Talk

Advanced search

To keep secret from DH

(122 Posts)
Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:18:20

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

Babysharkdududu Thu 14-Mar-19 14:45:33

Probably not a great sign that you are not willing to be fully open about contraception with each other.

Condoms plus coil sounds fine to me in the circumstances tho, sharing responsibility.

Divorce rate these days is something like 43%, I would not be rushing to perm sterilisation for either of you!

DarlingNikita Thu 14-Mar-19 14:09:29

He doesn't feel comfortable undergoing a medical procedure (which is a bit rich, given that I have had 2 csecs and an foreceps for our family)

I agree. Did you say that to him?

Did you tell him that you'll be using a coil but will need him to carry on with condoms? I wouldn't be happy keeping it a secret, personally. But then again I wouldn't be happy with a 'justification' like your DH has given.

Ladyinglitter Thu 14-Mar-19 14:07:57

Yeah..... the strings were cut, then cut again. Dh could still feel them. Said it was like being stabbed.

Now that sounds like perfect motivation for him to get the snip grin

MaisyMary77 Thu 14-Mar-19 14:05:05

First of all if your partner is feeling the strings then they need to be cut

Yeah..... the strings were cut, then cut again. Dh could still feel them. Said it was like being stabbed.

Thewheelsarefallingoff Wed 13-Mar-19 19:18:34

How about rhythm method, plus condoms? Can you still get the peeing on a stick contraceptive (Persona?)?

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 19:03:34

I didn't get periods on the Mirena. That site is also total bullshit because it omits the fact that your cervix is clamped open to insert it, not just your vagina. They leave that part out. Fucking HATE how the NHS does this to women, omits shit about their own body because of course, the assumption is that women are too stupid to know and will be put off if they're told the truth about what will happen to their bodies.

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 19:00:35

I wish I hadn't had issues with my 3rd. Pretty sure it wasn't properly inserted. At any rate, it was in the lining of my uterus, no wonder it hurt like all fuck. Got infected, too. Fucking done in after that! They offered to put another one in whilst I was under the GA having that one fished out. No, thanks!

I always had to have strings trimmed because my DH could feel them. And honestly, who wants to have their dick poked whilst having sex? And sorry, but the length of my index finger would be too small for me.

BettyDuMonde Wed 13-Mar-19 16:42:39

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/iud-coil/

Check strings after every period.

They do get trimmed (they are very long out of the box) but you should still be able to feel them with a finger.

Loopytiles Wed 13-Mar-19 16:41:24

YANBU.

If he notices the strings you would still NBU to insist on continuing to use condoms.

LostwithSawyer Wed 13-Mar-19 16:39:19

Lots of conflicting info on here.
Many women saying not to cut stings as need to feel them, others saying obvious to cut them.
Which is it? confused
All i know is a nurse trimmed mine. I can't feel them never have and I've had no issues on 3rd one.

BestZebbie Wed 13-Mar-19 16:36:32

Following coffeeismyspinach - how about injections (leaves no mark) or an implant in your arm (does leave a small mark on removal and requires a plaster over the insertion hole on the day you get it (like giving blood but higher up)/could be felt if your partner was holding your bare upper arm in a tight grip, but otherwise non-apparent)

TheDarkPassenger Wed 13-Mar-19 16:35:13

Imo you are perfectly reasonable to make a decision about your body privately but equally he is reasonable to also make a decision about his body too. I wouldn’t like it if my partner kept nagging me about one time I said I’d get selective surgery on my bits. He didn’t sign a contract and he is okay to change his mind.

I would just tell him personally but then I’m not into condoms and we never have a wet patch I’ve got the running to the loo thing down to an art! grin

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 16:27:05

Most erect penises are at least the length of a female index finger.

That's only about 4 inches long in the average height woman of 5ft., 4 in. Really?

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 16:24:15

Why do people answer when they haven't RTFT? So annoying!

First of all if your partner is feeling the strings then they need to be cut.

Well, that's obvious but once he's felt them then the secret is out and as she's with a selfish man who by her own admission doesn't even want to use condoms and before that didn't clean up his own mess, there's a good reason why she doesn't want him knowing she has it.

I had two Mirenas in between DC1 and DC3 with no issues, OP, but the third one was hell on Earth. I ended up having to have it removed in theatre, so it's not foolproof, tbh, it had migrated but I knew something was wrong because it hurt like a bitch from the get go. All the same, not something I could have hidden from DH as it several appointments - one for the GP to try to find it, one for her to refer me on where they tried to find it, another for a scan and then I had to go to theatre and have a GA to get it out.

He had the snip after that!

But I'd look at something else like the mini pill, tbh.

BettyDuMonde Wed 13-Mar-19 16:14:25

First of all if your partner is feeling the strings then they need to be cut

Naw. The strings need to be reachable with your own fingers, so you can check the coil is in place. This is recommended at the point in your cycle when the cervix is lowest, but many women with a hormonal IUS don’t have a regular cycle.
Most erect penises are at least the length of a female index finger. Lots are bigger.

PregnantSea Wed 13-Mar-19 14:46:47

I don't think it's right to lie to your husband about this. However, at least we can safely say that it won't have any negative consequences for him so it's up to you really.

Is there a reason why you can't talk to him about this? Or have you talked about it a lot and he hasn't done it? If so, that makes me think that for some reason he doesn't want to do it. You need to get to the bottom of this together. I really think this kind of problem is best solved by talking to each other rather than lying.

Ladyinglitter Wed 13-Mar-19 14:45:37

He pretty much opts out of anything medical so I can't see him being desperately upset that I kept information from him.

He will probably resent his inferior orgasms but it is better than no orgasms which would be his alternative grin

LostwithSawyer Wed 13-Mar-19 14:44:46

First of all if your partner is feeling the strings then they need to be cut.
And secondly no Dr will operate if a guy confesses he's being pushed into a vasectomy by his partner.

Wedgiecar58 Wed 13-Mar-19 14:39:17

Hmm, ok I see your point.

But if he got the snip you wouldn't make him continue to use condoms?

If he found out later on that you'd had the coil fitted, would he be more upset at being lied to, or the fact that he's been spunking into a condom unnecessarily?

Ladyinglitter Wed 13-Mar-19 14:34:36

Because he doesn't like using condoms, he'd rather squirt and leave her lying in the wet spot, but the OP likes them because it's the one area of his life where he has to deal with his own mess and if he knows she's got a coil in he won't use condoms.

This really.

We are on the same page that our family is complete. We are actively using contraception (condoms) at the moment. I am happy to use them but want a backup.

I have had the Merina before with no side effects.

I am not being dishonest in terms of contraception. We are using it.
I am just looking at getting a backup for myself because I know that if I did get pregnant, I would have to deal with that one way or the other.

I am pissed off with him of course for wimping out on me, especially when I feel my reproductive system has been through enough, but I can't withhold sex forever.

I have made it clear to him that I want him to get it and he is not willing. He has said that he will take responsibility by continuing to use condoms. I am not willing to absolve him of that responsibility but I am also not willing to risk an unwanted pregnancy.

Kpo58 Wed 13-Mar-19 14:12:58

I wouldn't lie about the contraception, but I wouldn't mention it unless asked.

YABU if either a) either of you got sterilised without discussing it with your partner first or b) are using contraception when you have been actively been "trying" to get pregnant because you claim that you want another child when you don't.

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 14:06:20

I dont really understand why you would want to lie to him, so he gets the snip, if you don't mind having the coil?

Because he doesn't like using condoms, he'd rather squirt and leave her lying in the wet spot, but the OP likes them because it's the one area of his life where he has to deal with his own mess and if he knows she's got a coil in he won't use condoms.

Wedgiecar58 Wed 13-Mar-19 13:59:40

I dont really understand why you would want to lie to him, so he gets the snip, if you don't mind having the coil?

ElizabethMountbatten Wed 13-Mar-19 13:10:50

My husband offered to get a vasectomy and it took him fourteen months to actually make the appointment. You'd be surprised how many men are concerned that it leaves them neutered

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 13:08:36

I started a thread about it at the time and was handed my arse by everyone when I said I wasn't going to use hormonal contraception and I was happy to abstain until he went for a vascetomy - as he'd promised.

Wow, that wouldn't have been from me. No one is entitled to PIV sex. I don't blame you at all.

And yy, a lot of trusts no longer fund female sterilisation. It's much more expensive than vasectomy and for all people bang on about side effects of vasectomy, female sterilisation has the potentially lethal complication of increased risk of ectopic pregnancy in the event of its failure.

Really don't see how you're going to clandestinely have a Mirena because he'll be able to feel the strings.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »