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To keep secret from DH

(122 Posts)
Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:18:20

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 13-Mar-19 10:43:23

Sex may be too good to withold it completely, but I know I'd probably find myself not in the mood half so often with a guy I knew to be, deep down, a selfish fucker who will let others take one for the team but ain't on the team himself.

So I'd say if you're gagging for it that's one thing, but if he's in the mood and you're lukewarm, remind him that the days of you meeting him half way are gone, sadly. It's everyone for themselves in this relationship now, so he's just gonna have to get used to being told to jog on, with sex and probably a lot of other things.

Selfish fucker!

GarthFunkel Wed 13-Mar-19 10:16:25

Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied. Granted its not as easy as a vasectomy but its a another idea

Not available on the NHS in our area - not for me, anyway. I would have paid for BUPA, but would have needed DH to take at least a week off work for childcare. That, surprisingly enough, was the kick DH needed to make an appointment for the snip. He didn't want to take a week off work and look after the DC hmm We'd not had sex for months, but that didn't sway him what does that say He had it done on a Saturday morning, walked home, and went back to work on the Monday. And it was more than half the price of tubal ligation as well.

I started a thread about it at the time and was handed my arse by everyone when I said I wasn't going to use hormonal contraception and I was happy to abstain until he went for a vascetomy - as he'd promised.

Leeeeemon36 Wed 13-Mar-19 09:13:37

I’ve had 2 failed Mirenas and 2 MAPs as a result. Also a friend of mine got pregnant on Mirena

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 08:37:17

He'll feel the strings and know and then blow off the condoms. So I'd just stick with the condoms. He's inherently selfish and would rather leave it all to the woman.

Ozziewozzie Wed 13-Mar-19 08:28:05

I'm baffled by how many are pointing the finger at op for having considered withholding the coil being fitted.
Comments such as 'coil is reversible' 'snip isnt'
A lady has a period every month, smear tests, vaginal examinations, birth, possible stitching etc afterwards, really heavy bleeding after birth, more periods, thrush, bv, maybe more births, weak bladder, incontinance for some ladies as a result of traumatic births, menopause.
Yes the snip is permanent, but so is being a parent!
The snip is done, it's a fairly simple procedure, and then it's all forgotten about.
Op discussed it with dh. He said yes. Then he should get it done. She doesn't wait for him to insert her tampons does she, or arrange her smear tests?

Op and dh are not wanting anymore dc. Op was considering coil secretly as what she's actually after is validation of all that she's contributed, and she wanted her dh to show her that by saying ' you've been wonderful and been through enough, now it's my turn'

youknowmedontyou Wed 13-Mar-19 07:21:40

I personally find this depressing, why can't you say "OH, I'm worried about the safety of using condoms, I don't want to go back to hormonal contraception, when are you likely to get the snip?"

Discuss how an unwanted pregnancy will change both your lives, why in a relationship such subterfuge? Yes, he will be able to feel the strings also.

Honestly, if you have to "con" him into doing what he agreed, you need to speak to him seriously about your relationship.

SoupDragon Wed 13-Mar-19 07:16:22

You had another 'frank' discussion but STILL didn't tell him about the coil?

What's strange about that? If she tells him, she absolves him of even the responsibility and hassle of using condoms. Why would she do that?

Veronicat Wed 13-Mar-19 07:14:20

He'll be able to feel the strings. And how will you explain the possible side affects of the mirena ? I had a terrible time with mine at first.
If you must keep it a secret (confused) then why not get the depo provera injection?

SoupDragon Wed 13-Mar-19 07:14:06

short of taking a hatchet to his balls myself, there is not a lot I can do

Well, it's an option...

Seriously though, I hope you made it quite clear how fucked off you are with him and pointed out the things you have gone through. His attitude would make me think very differently about him TBH.

HK20 Wed 13-Mar-19 07:02:31

You had another 'frank' discussion but STILL didn't tell him about the coil? I don't understand!

Why can't you just be open and honest like he has been about his feelings?

StoppinBy Wed 13-Mar-19 01:46:42

Also after reading your update I just want to add that I agree that at this point there is not much more you can do apart from getting him to agree to go to the information appointment.

I had two c/s and my hubby was booked in before out 2nd was even born (vas was booked for a month after bub2 was due), probably helped him to get it done that it was so close after my second labour & c/s as what I went though was still fresh in his mind.

I would not have forced him though and we would have been using condoms as I can't use contraception. His recovery was pretty good and as far as I am aware 18 months down the track it doesn't bother him at all.

StoppinBy Wed 13-Mar-19 01:29:55

The only thing I would worry about is if you have any of the side effects that can come from either the insertion or from having the actual device.

Do you think he would attend the information appointment if you offered to book it for him? From there hopefully he will book in the appointment and just get on with getting it done.

SparkiePolastri Wed 13-Mar-19 01:00:44

@Perpetualdawn1 no-one is claiming vasectomy is risk-free.

However, neither is female contraception, pregnancy and childbirth. Those risks go up to, and include, death.

@AcrossthePond55 - unfortunately, when a man opts out of a vasectomy, and therefore any risk to himself, he forces his partner to opt in, and take the full risk load herself.

No-one is suggesting forcing a man to have a vasectomy - just judging harshly any man who won't willingly step up to the plate just for once.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 13-Mar-19 00:57:33

A man shouldn't be forced into a vasectomy any more than a woman should be forced into an abortion

It's not about forcing. It's about him being a decent man.

Lovingbenidorm Tue 12-Mar-19 23:25:54

I really think some honesty is required here.
I also think lying about contraception to your husband is rather unnecessary.
You both agree you don’t want any more children.
He dislikes condoms
A coil has risks and side effects.
Talk to him fgs!

AcrossthePond55 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:19:23

The thing is, both partners have the right to body autonomy. A man shouldn't be forced into a vasectomy any more than a woman should be forced into an abortion (or into carrying to term).

Our only option if we don't like our partners decision, is what are we going to do about it?

Perpetualdawn1 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:18:33

Chronic pain rate occurance stats from a number of national level health bodies:
Canadian Urology Association give the chronic pain outcomes at between 1 and 14% www.cua.org/themes/web/assets/files/vasectomy4017_v4.pdf

14% = up to one in eight

In the U.S. the AUA say quality of life impacting chronic pain occurs in between 1/50 to 1/100 surgeries. www.auanet.org/guidelines/vasectomy-(2012-amended-2015)

British Association of Urological Surgeons, patient advice reports chronic pain in 5-15% of patients. www.baus.org.uk/_userfiles/pages/files/Patients/Leaflets/Vasectomy.pdf
5% = 1 in twenty
15%= 1 in seven

UK National Health Service www.nhsdirect.wales.nhs.uk/encyclopaedia/v/article/vasectomy/#risks

"Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy. The pain is usually the result of a pinched nerve or scarring that occurred during the operation. You may be advised to undergo further surgery to repair the damage and to help minimise further pain."

Journal article on what life is like living with long term genital pain for men (in summary it's pretty bad):
www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/24740527.2017.1328592

Background article on Post vasectomy pain syndrome:
vasectomy-information.com/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome-scientific-review/

Journal of Urology article on post vasectomy pain syndrome and it's causes:
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/j.1939-4640.2003.tb02675.x

PiebaldHamster Tue 12-Mar-19 23:13:51

Isn't the Mirena supposed to be more effective than being sterilised?

It is, and many trusts will no longer fund female sterilisation.

If he feels the strings on the coil, OP, he'll stop using condoms.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-19 22:46:26

Two sections and forceps and he won't get the snip. I'd be really angry.

mirime Tue 12-Mar-19 22:35:00

"Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied."

Isn't the Mirena supposed to be more effective than being sterilised?

Mishappening Tue 12-Mar-19 22:25:04

Well TBH I have been waiting for someone to say that. What sort of man is happy for his wife to undergo these surgeries and all the risks of pregnancy but doesn't feel comfortable about having to undergo a medical procedure himself? The sort of man who would not get my vote I have to say!

stellarfox Tue 12-Mar-19 22:22:03

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting a vesectomy. It’s a big thing and difficult to reverse should he ever want to do that. Glad you had a discussion with him about it. You probably don’t need to get a coil as well as using condoms as they are quite reliable aren’t they?

SparkiePolastri Tue 12-Mar-19 22:14:20

Wow.

In your shoes, that would be contraception sorted for me right there. I just wouldn't want to, with such a man.

Nousernameforme Tue 12-Mar-19 22:12:46

Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied. Granted its not as easy as a vasectomy but its a another idea

HoraceCope Tue 12-Mar-19 22:11:06

thing is the snip is not reversible, a coil is

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