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To keep secret from DH

(122 Posts)
Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:18:20

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 12-Mar-19 16:00:16

just withold sex, surely?

JellyBaby666 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:00:28

"DP, I love you but we've agreed our family is complete, so when are you going to make the appointment for the snip?"

Repeat ad nauseam. You're both adults, why lie about it AND why have a coil if you want your husband to have a vasectomy? You getting or not getting a coil is obviously not going to change that!

backinaminute Tue 12-Mar-19 16:02:10

YANBU - exactly the same thing here except I told him about my new coil. All has gone quiet on 'the snip' front again........ I don't think there is anything malicious or disrespectful. I think he's not done it for the same reasons he hasn't done things like sort out the garden when he said he would, he's just a bit useless like that. I'm not overly bothered though and he knows that he will need to sort it in the coming years. I quiet like my mirena but I'm not telling him that.

A word of warning, he could feel this coil when I first had it fitted, he couldn't my precious one.

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 16:03:53

I wouldn't - I don't think lies about something so serious have any place in a relationship.

However, I would be making it very clear how little I thought of him for promising to get a vasectomy and doing nothing about it, and asking him for very clear ways in which he was going to fix that.

Justaboy Tue 12-Mar-19 16:04:59

Umm, well you can feel the cut ends of the coil strings but I've only noticed them with fingers not the olde todger but and this is what you really ought to do and that is to Talk to him re the matter, bring it up and discuss, fine if you don't mind a coil some women it suit's others not but really you need to communicatesmile

FWIW I much prefer the natural skin on skin without condoms, of course if theres a possibilty of a STI in a new relationship then fine but in an established relationship different matter.

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

feelingverylazytoday Tue 12-Mar-19 16:12:44

If you're happy on the mirena coil then get that, and tell him.
There's no need to play games here, if you're happy with one form of contraception and he isn't happy with another form then why wouldn't you go for the one that neither of you have any problems with?

Gardai Tue 12-Mar-19 16:18:19

I don’t understand how you actually have sex with someone you can’t have an honest talk with. Surely you can say I’d rather we didn’t have sex until you get the snip ? Not unreasonable.

DarlingNikita Tue 12-Mar-19 16:20:32

FWIW I much prefer the natural skin on skin without condoms

Yes well we don't always get to have everything we 'much prefer', do we?

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser Tue 12-Mar-19 16:21:45

I would imagine in that situation foo that the op would say she would go and get the morning after pill. If anything surely that would be a massive wake up call and it’s that situation that the OP is concerned about and is instrumental in wanting to use the coil!

Op I would go ahead and have the marina fitted. Even after your h has a vasectomy, he will need to continue using condoms until several consecutive sperm samples come back clear. You want double protection, so go for it! My husband and I used condoms and the pill whilst we waited for his vasectomy to be cleared! My husband had an excellent reason for arranging his vasectomy quickly, at the end of my second pregnancy my spd and the resulting damage to my pelvis, was so severe that I was advised another pregnancy would leave me wheelchair bound for the rest of my life. DH went straight to the gp as soon as dd was born and had his vasectomy whilst dd was still tiny - around 6 weeks if I remember right.

We have no regrets regarding choosing a vasectomy. I think that the benefit of arranging it so close to dd’s Birth, was that dh had seen first hand (very recently at the time) the toll that bearing our two babies had taken on my body. It made him feel that a vasectomy was a small thing he could do to protect me and to ensure our family was complete. MIL was not one bit happy about it though- she kept asking what he would do if he divorced me and wanted more children (dh and I are very happy together and very much in love but mil hates/d me). He told her he would never be divorcing me, but in any case, he already had two children to concentrate on loving and raising and he had no intention of having any more.

Is there a chance that someone is whispering doubts into your dh’s ear OP?

dietcokemegafan Tue 12-Mar-19 16:40:37

No way would I be putting hormones into my body


the hormones in the combined pill halve your risk of ovarian cancer if taken for ten years

the hormones in the mirena make your periods light (or stop them) and are a treatment for endometriosis

the hormones in HRT give many women their lives back

up to everyone to choose their own contraception but I do despair of intelligent women who get up in arms at the thought of 'putting hormones into my body'

AcrossthePond55 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:41:59

I don't have a problem with you looking out for yourself contraceptive-wise and not telling him.

But it's time for a 'Come to Jesus' talk with him. If he's changed his mind he needs to own up to it. It's his right to not have the snip, but you deserve to know it so you can make your own decisions.

My DH hemmed and hawed and finally said he 'couldn't do it'. I didn't agree with his reason, but it is his body and his decision. I had my tubes tied and have never looked back.

BettyDuMonde Tue 12-Mar-19 16:42:44

I don’t think that you ABU but my DH can definitely feel the threads of my (copper) coil.

How about a teeny fib as to the length of time your new coil can stay in place for? Different brands have different life spans and that way your DH has a deadline...

JaneEyre07 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:43:53

I had 3 horrendous births and a stillbirth, so when the surgeon told me during my last section that my uterus was too damaged to ever carry another pregnancy safely, DH said he'd get a vasectomy. I had a long difficult recovery afterwards due to complications,and to be honest it was a long time before I felt ready for sex again. So DH had plenty of time to sort one out - but he didn't.

He soon arranged it when I said we weren't having sex until he had. Why do you have to be the one to take responsibility, OP?

Kaddm Tue 12-Mar-19 16:47:07

It’s not great keeping secrets
Why don’t you ask him how he feels about getting the vasectomy

Ameliant Tue 12-Mar-19 16:48:33

Well DH is a massive wuss, rather like Justaboy, and backtracked on his vasectomy promise.

He was grateful and delighted to pay for me to be sterilised instead. Problem solved.

akerman Tue 12-Mar-19 16:56:48

I got pregnant while the Mirena was firmly in place - and when I googled my plight I discovered that this happens to thousands of women. I wouldn't trust the Mirena at all.

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 16:57:19

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

But it’s ok for any partner to pump themselves full of hormones?

daisyjgrey Tue 12-Mar-19 16:59:45

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

The 30+ stitches I had without anaesthetic didn't exactly fill me with joy either, but I didn't have a choice.

NOTHING pisses me off more than men wittering on about "oh but I don't want sharp things near my balls" but think it's perfectly ok for their partners to give birth and deal with all that comes with it.

DarlingNikita Tue 12-Mar-19 17:00:59

NOTHING pisses me off more than men wittering on about "oh but I don't want sharp things near my balls" but think it's perfectly ok for their partners to give birth and deal with all that comes with it.

I know. Why do they think they should be exempt? They can get to fuck.

Billben Tue 12-Mar-19 17:01:42

Just remember that he will be able to feel the strings if he puts his fingers inside of you. Just like you have to feel for them every now and again.
Otherwise, no, I wouldn’t tell him. I don’t keep secrets from my DH but I am in charge of my own body.

rumptifizzer Tue 12-Mar-19 17:02:27

I'd be giving him a deadline and refusing sex!

tealcoat Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:10

I think you just need to tell him to get a move on!

I feel like with holding sex is a slightly slippery slope - you could phrase the conversation as that you're really worried about getting pregnant and can't enjoy sex because of it and scare him a bit with the thought of having 4DCs. grin

Book him in at the GP

SoupDragon Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:18

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!


YourSarcasmIsDripping Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:19

Have you had any serious conversations about it recently? Tell him he needs to get it done and now or at least tell you if he's changd his mind.Give him a week to get his ass in gear, and then either ge the coil if he shows no signs of doing it or tell him no sex until booked.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:23

I'd be more inclined to say, Look mate, if you don't get that snip then PIV sex is off the menu. Or do you think that he might lie to you and claim he's had it done when he hasn't, just to get out of using condoms?

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