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To keep secret from DH

(122 Posts)
Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:18:20

So I haven't done this yet but am thinking about it. Namechanged as a bit outing

We have 3DCs and don't want more children. Up to now I have always been in charge of contraception. when I was pregnant, DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it. We are using condoms which he hates but I don't mind. However, I want to be really sure I won't get pregnant so am thinking of getting a Merina fitted again.

If I tell him, he will stop using condoms and never get the vasectomy he promised. The only leverage I have is that he hates using condoms.

WIBU to get the coil and not tell him?

AryaStarkWolf Tue 12-Mar-19 15:21:14

No you wouldn't

PinkHeart5914 Tue 12-Mar-19 15:21:53

If you want the coil then get it! It’s your body and if you don’t want to get pregnant you have the responsibility to take steps to stop that happening

I don’t think you have to mention it to your dh if you don’t wish

nutbrownhare15 Tue 12-Mar-19 15:22:49

Yanbu

ZippyBungleandGeorge Tue 12-Mar-19 15:23:50

YANBU at all

10IAR Tue 12-Mar-19 15:24:15

In almost all circumstances I wouldn't consider lying to your DH acceptable.

This is one of the circumstances where I'd say absolutely do it. For your own sanity!

Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:24:16

I don't have any qualms about getting it, it is just keeping it a secret I feel a bit bad about.

Crockof Tue 12-Mar-19 15:26:18

When I had it my dh could feel the strands. Tbh I wouldn't want to go back on the coil, I will probably be flamed but I wouldn't be having sex

BackInGreen Tue 12-Mar-19 15:27:13

It's your body and that's a choice that can be private imo. He's being a selfish dick anyway.

peachgreen Tue 12-Mar-19 15:28:11

No way would I be putting hormones into my body and going through the discomfort of a coil insertion just because my DH wouldn't get a bloody move on and do what he had promised.

LuckyLou7 Tue 12-Mar-19 15:30:47

Get the coil. If he's put off organising a vasectomy for this long, he's probably having second thoughts about the procedure. Some men are squeamish about having surgery on their testicles. For my DH, it took an unplanned 4th pregnancy (we'd decided we'd completed our family after 3 DC) to persuade him to book an appointment - they did the procedure at the GP surgery. My 4th child was a delightful surprise, despite everything.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble Tue 12-Mar-19 15:31:09

God no I wouldn’t tell him! Lazy bastard. Have you had a conversation about vasectomy recently?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-19 15:31:33

It's a private medical decision and therefore fine to not tell him if you choose.

However, you shouldn't need 'leverage'. He offered, you'd always done everything, you've carried and birthed three babies. Time for him to step up. Frank discussion time.

Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:32:03

He hasn't once been to the doctor in the 18 years I have known him so I knew it was a bit optimistic grin

Mishappening Tue 12-Mar-19 15:36:27

Well I think he is being a prize wimp and very inconsiderate. It is you who will have to go through a pregnancy if a slip-up occurs.

My OH baulked at it, but when he saw it was putting me off sex he had it done. Ironically a short while after I needed a hysterectomy! Belt and braces job.

I would say to your OH that he needs to man up and get it done. If he still does not do it, then by all means take any necessary steps and it becomes no more of his business.

Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 15:37:28

I am also not unhappy with the status quo. I like using condoms so I can lie in bed afterwards and he has to trot off to the freezing bathroom.

Coil was never a problem for me so I don't mind getting it.

We do have conversations but I don't think it is likely to happen.

I just don't want the stress of an unplanned pregnancy and although he would never try and force me to have a termination, we would really struggle with another baby.

GottaGoGottaGo Tue 12-Mar-19 15:39:18

I wouldn't lie to my husband over something like this, if he finds out he might think that it's okay for him to lie about things too and who decides whether your lie is worse than his...

I think you need to sit him down and have a reasonable conversation (why does no-one do this anymore?) and ask him why he is putting it off. Then deal with his answer. Frankly I would just tell him he has X amount of time (whatever you feel is appropriate for you) and if he hasn't got an appointment by that time then sex is off the table until he does get one as you don't want to end up pregnant due to a condom failing!

DarlingNikita Tue 12-Mar-19 15:48:22

DH offered to get the snip which I gratefully accepted. DC3 is nearly 18 months now and he has done nothing about it.

This is the real issue. Why did he make an offer/promise and then (pardon the expression) withdraw it? You need to talk to each other properly and seriously about this, because while I agree that it's your body and you don't need his 'permission' to use whatever contraception you want, you DO need to both be on the same page.

I also have little sympathy for men who hate using condoms. They really need to get over it.

Halloumimuffin Tue 12-Mar-19 15:49:00

I've been told that men can feel the coil, so it's possible he would notice.

FooFighter99 Tue 12-Mar-19 15:50:46

What happens when a condom splits and he panicks and you're like "it's fine, don't worry" and he rushes out to get you the morning after pill and they you sheepishly have to tell him "well actually, I had a coil fitted months ago... but I didn't want to tell you so you'd keep using condoms and I could avoid the clean up"

How shit are you going to feel then?

Just bloody talk to him! He's your DH for crying out loud.

If you can't have an honest discussion with him then you're in the wrong bloody relationship

excitedtobehere Tue 12-Mar-19 15:52:04

Book your DH an appointment with his GP or get referral for the snip. He has already agreed. 🤷‍♂️

Badwifey Tue 12-Mar-19 15:54:35

I personally wouldn't get it. I had one fitted after my dd and had an awful experience with it. It actually made me suicidal. Once it was removed my moods returned to normal.

I would carry on with condoms. I think if you have it you might let him away without a condom in the heat of the moment occasionally, I know I would, and then he will never get the vasectomy...

NunoGoncalves Tue 12-Mar-19 15:54:45

I would feel pretty crappy if I felt like my DH and I couldn't have a mature conversation about something like this beyond "I'll get a vasectomy" followed by never getting a vasectomy.

LakieLady Tue 12-Mar-19 15:56:56

I would talk to him about sorting the snip rather than lie, tbh. And in the meantime, carry on with the condoms.

drunkenflamingo2 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:00:02

DP had baby number 2 with his ex-wife in 2005. He swore blind he wanted no more babies and was going to have the snip. Didn't bother. Fast forward to 2017, I'm pregnant and has was pissed off about it.

It was very, very stressful and I'm convinced the depression I suffered in pregnancy was partially down to this.

Do what you need to do to look after yourself, you don't need to tell DP in my opinion. Ultimately it's his body and if he has the right to say he doesn't want to even if he has already said he will.

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 12-Mar-19 16:00:16

just withold sex, surely?

JellyBaby666 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:00:28

"DP, I love you but we've agreed our family is complete, so when are you going to make the appointment for the snip?"

Repeat ad nauseam. You're both adults, why lie about it AND why have a coil if you want your husband to have a vasectomy? You getting or not getting a coil is obviously not going to change that!

backinaminute Tue 12-Mar-19 16:02:10

YANBU - exactly the same thing here except I told him about my new coil. All has gone quiet on 'the snip' front again........ I don't think there is anything malicious or disrespectful. I think he's not done it for the same reasons he hasn't done things like sort out the garden when he said he would, he's just a bit useless like that. I'm not overly bothered though and he knows that he will need to sort it in the coming years. I quiet like my mirena but I'm not telling him that.

A word of warning, he could feel this coil when I first had it fitted, he couldn't my precious one.

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 16:03:53

I wouldn't - I don't think lies about something so serious have any place in a relationship.

However, I would be making it very clear how little I thought of him for promising to get a vasectomy and doing nothing about it, and asking him for very clear ways in which he was going to fix that.

Justaboy Tue 12-Mar-19 16:04:59

Umm, well you can feel the cut ends of the coil strings but I've only noticed them with fingers not the olde todger but and this is what you really ought to do and that is to Talk to him re the matter, bring it up and discuss, fine if you don't mind a coil some women it suit's others not but really you need to communicatesmile

FWIW I much prefer the natural skin on skin without condoms, of course if theres a possibilty of a STI in a new relationship then fine but in an established relationship different matter.

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

feelingverylazytoday Tue 12-Mar-19 16:12:44

If you're happy on the mirena coil then get that, and tell him.
There's no need to play games here, if you're happy with one form of contraception and he isn't happy with another form then why wouldn't you go for the one that neither of you have any problems with?

Gardai Tue 12-Mar-19 16:18:19

I don’t understand how you actually have sex with someone you can’t have an honest talk with. Surely you can say I’d rather we didn’t have sex until you get the snip ? Not unreasonable.

DarlingNikita Tue 12-Mar-19 16:20:32

FWIW I much prefer the natural skin on skin without condoms

Yes well we don't always get to have everything we 'much prefer', do we?

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser Tue 12-Mar-19 16:21:45

I would imagine in that situation foo that the op would say she would go and get the morning after pill. If anything surely that would be a massive wake up call and it’s that situation that the OP is concerned about and is instrumental in wanting to use the coil!

Op I would go ahead and have the marina fitted. Even after your h has a vasectomy, he will need to continue using condoms until several consecutive sperm samples come back clear. You want double protection, so go for it! My husband and I used condoms and the pill whilst we waited for his vasectomy to be cleared! My husband had an excellent reason for arranging his vasectomy quickly, at the end of my second pregnancy my spd and the resulting damage to my pelvis, was so severe that I was advised another pregnancy would leave me wheelchair bound for the rest of my life. DH went straight to the gp as soon as dd was born and had his vasectomy whilst dd was still tiny - around 6 weeks if I remember right.

We have no regrets regarding choosing a vasectomy. I think that the benefit of arranging it so close to dd’s Birth, was that dh had seen first hand (very recently at the time) the toll that bearing our two babies had taken on my body. It made him feel that a vasectomy was a small thing he could do to protect me and to ensure our family was complete. MIL was not one bit happy about it though- she kept asking what he would do if he divorced me and wanted more children (dh and I are very happy together and very much in love but mil hates/d me). He told her he would never be divorcing me, but in any case, he already had two children to concentrate on loving and raising and he had no intention of having any more.

Is there a chance that someone is whispering doubts into your dh’s ear OP?

dietcokemegafan Tue 12-Mar-19 16:40:37

No way would I be putting hormones into my body

sigh

the hormones in the combined pill halve your risk of ovarian cancer if taken for ten years

the hormones in the mirena make your periods light (or stop them) and are a treatment for endometriosis

the hormones in HRT give many women their lives back

up to everyone to choose their own contraception but I do despair of intelligent women who get up in arms at the thought of 'putting hormones into my body'

AcrossthePond55 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:41:59

I don't have a problem with you looking out for yourself contraceptive-wise and not telling him.

But it's time for a 'Come to Jesus' talk with him. If he's changed his mind he needs to own up to it. It's his right to not have the snip, but you deserve to know it so you can make your own decisions.

My DH hemmed and hawed and finally said he 'couldn't do it'. I didn't agree with his reason, but it is his body and his decision. I had my tubes tied and have never looked back.

BettyDuMonde Tue 12-Mar-19 16:42:44

I don’t think that you ABU but my DH can definitely feel the threads of my (copper) coil.

How about a teeny fib as to the length of time your new coil can stay in place for? Different brands have different life spans and that way your DH has a deadline...

JaneEyre07 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:43:53

I had 3 horrendous births and a stillbirth, so when the surgeon told me during my last section that my uterus was too damaged to ever carry another pregnancy safely, DH said he'd get a vasectomy. I had a long difficult recovery afterwards due to complications,and to be honest it was a long time before I felt ready for sex again. So DH had plenty of time to sort one out - but he didn't.

He soon arranged it when I said we weren't having sex until he had. Why do you have to be the one to take responsibility, OP?

Kaddm Tue 12-Mar-19 16:47:07

It’s not great keeping secrets
Why don’t you ask him how he feels about getting the vasectomy

Ameliant Tue 12-Mar-19 16:48:33

Well DH is a massive wuss, rather like Justaboy, and backtracked on his vasectomy promise.

He was grateful and delighted to pay for me to be sterilised instead. Problem solved.

akerman Tue 12-Mar-19 16:56:48

I got pregnant while the Mirena was firmly in place - and when I googled my plight I discovered that this happens to thousands of women. I wouldn't trust the Mirena at all.

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 16:57:19

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

But it’s ok for any partner to pump themselves full of hormones?

daisyjgrey Tue 12-Mar-19 16:59:45

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

The 30+ stitches I had without anaesthetic didn't exactly fill me with joy either, but I didn't have a choice.

NOTHING pisses me off more than men wittering on about "oh but I don't want sharp things near my balls" but think it's perfectly ok for their partners to give birth and deal with all that comes with it.

DarlingNikita Tue 12-Mar-19 17:00:59

NOTHING pisses me off more than men wittering on about "oh but I don't want sharp things near my balls" but think it's perfectly ok for their partners to give birth and deal with all that comes with it.

I know. Why do they think they should be exempt? They can get to fuck.

Billben Tue 12-Mar-19 17:01:42

Just remember that he will be able to feel the strings if he puts his fingers inside of you. Just like you have to feel for them every now and again.
Otherwise, no, I wouldn’t tell him. I don’t keep secrets from my DH but I am in charge of my own body.

rumptifizzer Tue 12-Mar-19 17:02:27

I'd be giving him a deadline and refusing sex!

tealcoat Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:10

I think you just need to tell him to get a move on!

I feel like with holding sex is a slightly slippery slope - you could phrase the conversation as that you're really worried about getting pregnant and can't enjoy sex because of it and scare him a bit with the thought of having 4DCs. grin

Book him in at the GP

SoupDragon Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:18

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

🙄

YourSarcasmIsDripping Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:19

Have you had any serious conversations about it recently? Tell him he needs to get it done and now or at least tell you if he's changd his mind.Give him a week to get his ass in gear, and then either ge the coil if he shows no signs of doing it or tell him no sex until booked.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 12-Mar-19 17:04:23

I'd be more inclined to say, Look mate, if you don't get that snip then PIV sex is off the menu. Or do you think that he might lie to you and claim he's had it done when he hasn't, just to get out of using condoms?

HK20 Tue 12-Mar-19 17:05:01

Why would you possibly lie rather than just have an adult conversation?

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair Tue 12-Mar-19 17:05:06

Jaques not just full of hormones, but also the discomfort of having a coil / implant fitted and the potential side effects. Funny how when it’s women’s quality of life it’s “just something that happens” but when it’s men they’re pathetic about it.

Sorry, rant over blush

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 17:06:32

not just full of hormones, but also the discomfort of having a coil / implant fitted and the potential side effects. Funny how when it’s women’s quality of life it’s “just something that happens” but when it’s men they’re pathetic about it

No absolutely agreed. I was more using “hormones” as a catch all for majority of female contraception!

MaisyMary77 Tue 12-Mar-19 17:14:33

My dh could feel the coil-I ended up having it removed as he said it hurt him and would refuse to come near me. I now have the nexoplanon arm implant.

7Pip Tue 12-Mar-19 17:15:58

I'd be having a firm conversation. Tell him to make the appointment tomorrow. If he doesn't follow through with it, I would have absolutely no qualms about getting the coil fitted AND using condoms. And I'd tell him too!

PiebaldHamster Tue 12-Mar-19 17:18:14

I had to have the strings trimmed on mine twice because DH could feel them, even after they told us to have loads of sex to soften them, you wouldn't want to have sex with your dick getting stabbed. So for that reason alone I wouldn't have it because he could possibly feel them. I'd stick with condoms.

SparkiePolastri Tue 12-Mar-19 17:21:10

* FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!*

You do realise this makes you a bit pathetic, and you're shown up by all the men are are ready and able to to it?

IncrediblySadToo Tue 12-Mar-19 17:29:55

YANBU not to tell him. However, I wouldn’t get it done.

I would tell him that I think I’m pregnant. See what his reaction is. If it’s one if shock and horror, tell him THAT is why PIV sex is completely off the table until he gets a vasectomy, because neither of you want another baby and YOU do not plan on having a termination.

His turn to step up. It doesn’t matter that he’s a Dr avoider, YOU have gone through a lot to have your children, it’s his turn to step
up as he said he would.

Stop enabling him to back track on it.

SparkiePolastri Tue 12-Mar-19 17:32:16

He's only a Dr avoider because he can be.

As a woman, you can't be.

EvaHarknessRose Tue 12-Mar-19 17:46:28

Yes. I would be feeling a bit like I might be pregnant and wondering about getting some pregnancy tests. You could really have some fun with that.

Purpleartichoke Tue 12-Mar-19 18:20:15

I think this is one rare scenario where lying by omission to your spouse is perfectly acceptable

Justaboy Tue 12-Mar-19 18:52:48

You do realise this makes you a bit pathetic, and you're shown up by all the men are are ready and able to to it?

Yes possibly but it isn't really a problem anymore and it wasn't really a problem then as my then wife had a coil and that suited her fine and in all, no need over many years.

I do however know Three men who did have the snip and they had quite a lot of problems afterwards and hearing them going on about their issues it does make you want to avoid having the same done. Have been involved in some other scary episodes so not a wuss or pathetic thanks.

But these days no real chance of getting any lady up the duffington only one FWB who we meet up with now and again, and shes post menopause.

But yes it is always a bigger problem for women and theres no real problem free answer to contraception, that yet remains to be devloped.

JacquesHammer Tue 12-Mar-19 18:55:36

But these days no real chance of getting any lady up the duffington only one FWB who we meet up with now and again, and shes post menopause

Dude I think your turn of phrase is the best contraception you could employ

BlackPrism Tue 12-Mar-19 19:00:03

@FooFighter99 don't you have to take the pill in front of the pharmacist? I always have had to...
Either way I'd just say thanks can you get me some water and then not take it.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-19 19:24:31

FWIW 2 the idea of anyone taking a scapel to my nuts err no thanlks;!!

Oddly my DH cared about the pain I went through during childbirth. He would rather deal with the pain of a vasectomy than risking an unwanted pregnancy and painful childbirth. But he's a grown up.

SparkiePolastri Tue 12-Mar-19 20:17:09

* I do however know Three men who did have the snip and they had quite a lot of problems afterwards and hearing them going on about their issues it does make you want to avoid having the same done.*

No - it makes YOU want to avoid it. Not decent men.

On the flip side, every woman I know has had complications with contraception / pregnancy and/or childbirth, so I'm sticking with my opinion that men who opt out are wusses, and yes, pathetic.

Unlike men, women can't avoid the issue, so men who opt to avoid it and leave it all to women are definitely wusses.

blockedoffandfuckedoff Tue 12-Mar-19 20:20:12

Sorry but I’d tell him.

If the shoe were on the other foot and a man came on here to say he’d tricked his wife then the whole place would be in an uproar hmm

bobstersmum Tue 12-Mar-19 20:22:06

Are you me? This is exactly my situation! Do it. I was going to ask about the copper coil though. Why can't men step up and have a simple procedure? I have been sewn up 3 times after birth, it's the least my dh could do!

Ozziewozzie Tue 12-Mar-19 20:30:36

Each individual is responsible for contraception.
Let's say you don't get the cool and you forget to use condomn, it's your body that will get pregnant. It's your body which could potentially have a termination.

I would personally have a coil. Or you instigate the vasectomy appt yourself and drag him along. grin

Ozziewozzie Tue 12-Mar-19 20:35:58

@blockedoffandfuckedoff

I disagree. A guy ejaculates into a woman. A woman can get pregnant. A woman doesn't ejaculate anything inside a man and a man can't get pregnant.
Theyve both agreed they don't want more children. The op is ensuring that is the reality by herself as her husband hasn't done what he's agreed to. Condomns split or are forgotten. The coil with condomns is much more reliable.

Ladyinglitter Tue 12-Mar-19 22:06:13

So we have had another frank conversation. The vasectomy is not happening. He says he offered on the spur of the moment and now doesn't feel comfortable about it. He doesn't feel comfortable undergoing a medical procedure (which is a bit rich, given that I have had 2 csecs and an foreceps for our family)

He would rather continue to use condoms.

I will get the coil and not say anything to him. I am not willing to take risks but I am also not willing to absolve him of responsibility.

Sex is too good to withhold it and he can deal with the cleanup.

I know he will get a lot of disapproval from you guys but short of taking a hatchet to his balls myself, there is not a lot I can do hmm

YourSarcasmIsDripping Tue 12-Mar-19 22:08:21

Aaand...there it is. At least now you know for sure. I mean it was obvious but he came out and said it, so you can do what's best for you and the situation guilt free.

HoraceCope Tue 12-Mar-19 22:11:06

thing is the snip is not reversible, a coil is

Nousernameforme Tue 12-Mar-19 22:12:46

Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied. Granted its not as easy as a vasectomy but its a another idea

SparkiePolastri Tue 12-Mar-19 22:14:20

Wow.

In your shoes, that would be contraception sorted for me right there. I just wouldn't want to, with such a man.

stellarfox Tue 12-Mar-19 22:22:03

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting a vesectomy. It’s a big thing and difficult to reverse should he ever want to do that. Glad you had a discussion with him about it. You probably don’t need to get a coil as well as using condoms as they are quite reliable aren’t they?

Mishappening Tue 12-Mar-19 22:25:04

Well TBH I have been waiting for someone to say that. What sort of man is happy for his wife to undergo these surgeries and all the risks of pregnancy but doesn't feel comfortable about having to undergo a medical procedure himself? The sort of man who would not get my vote I have to say!

mirime Tue 12-Mar-19 22:35:00

"Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied."

Isn't the Mirena supposed to be more effective than being sterilised?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-19 22:46:26

Two sections and forceps and he won't get the snip. I'd be really angry.

PiebaldHamster Tue 12-Mar-19 23:13:51

Isn't the Mirena supposed to be more effective than being sterilised?

It is, and many trusts will no longer fund female sterilisation.

If he feels the strings on the coil, OP, he'll stop using condoms.

Perpetualdawn1 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:18:33

Chronic pain rate occurance stats from a number of national level health bodies:
Canadian Urology Association give the chronic pain outcomes at between 1 and 14% www.cua.org/themes/web/assets/files/vasectomy4017_v4.pdf

14% = up to one in eight

In the U.S. the AUA say quality of life impacting chronic pain occurs in between 1/50 to 1/100 surgeries. www.auanet.org/guidelines/vasectomy-(2012-amended-2015)

British Association of Urological Surgeons, patient advice reports chronic pain in 5-15% of patients. www.baus.org.uk/_userfiles/pages/files/Patients/Leaflets/Vasectomy.pdf
5% = 1 in twenty
15%= 1 in seven

UK National Health Service www.nhsdirect.wales.nhs.uk/encyclopaedia/v/article/vasectomy/#risks

"Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy. The pain is usually the result of a pinched nerve or scarring that occurred during the operation. You may be advised to undergo further surgery to repair the damage and to help minimise further pain."

Journal article on what life is like living with long term genital pain for men (in summary it's pretty bad):
www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/24740527.2017.1328592

Background article on Post vasectomy pain syndrome:
vasectomy-information.com/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome-scientific-review/

Journal of Urology article on post vasectomy pain syndrome and it's causes:
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/j.1939-4640.2003.tb02675.x

AcrossthePond55 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:19:23

The thing is, both partners have the right to body autonomy. A man shouldn't be forced into a vasectomy any more than a woman should be forced into an abortion (or into carrying to term).

Our only option if we don't like our partners decision, is what are we going to do about it?

Lovingbenidorm Tue 12-Mar-19 23:25:54

I really think some honesty is required here.
I also think lying about contraception to your husband is rather unnecessary.
You both agree you don’t want any more children.
He dislikes condoms
A coil has risks and side effects.
Talk to him fgs!

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 13-Mar-19 00:57:33

A man shouldn't be forced into a vasectomy any more than a woman should be forced into an abortion

It's not about forcing. It's about him being a decent man.

SparkiePolastri Wed 13-Mar-19 01:00:44

@Perpetualdawn1 no-one is claiming vasectomy is risk-free.

However, neither is female contraception, pregnancy and childbirth. Those risks go up to, and include, death.

@AcrossthePond55 - unfortunately, when a man opts out of a vasectomy, and therefore any risk to himself, he forces his partner to opt in, and take the full risk load herself.

No-one is suggesting forcing a man to have a vasectomy - just judging harshly any man who won't willingly step up to the plate just for once.

StoppinBy Wed 13-Mar-19 01:29:55

The only thing I would worry about is if you have any of the side effects that can come from either the insertion or from having the actual device.

Do you think he would attend the information appointment if you offered to book it for him? From there hopefully he will book in the appointment and just get on with getting it done.

StoppinBy Wed 13-Mar-19 01:46:42

Also after reading your update I just want to add that I agree that at this point there is not much more you can do apart from getting him to agree to go to the information appointment.

I had two c/s and my hubby was booked in before out 2nd was even born (vas was booked for a month after bub2 was due), probably helped him to get it done that it was so close after my second labour & c/s as what I went though was still fresh in his mind.

I would not have forced him though and we would have been using condoms as I can't use contraception. His recovery was pretty good and as far as I am aware 18 months down the track it doesn't bother him at all.

HK20 Wed 13-Mar-19 07:02:31

You had another 'frank' discussion but STILL didn't tell him about the coil? I don't understand!

Why can't you just be open and honest like he has been about his feelings?

SoupDragon Wed 13-Mar-19 07:14:06

short of taking a hatchet to his balls myself, there is not a lot I can do

Well, it's an option...

Seriously though, I hope you made it quite clear how fucked off you are with him and pointed out the things you have gone through. His attitude would make me think very differently about him TBH.

Veronicat Wed 13-Mar-19 07:14:20

He'll be able to feel the strings. And how will you explain the possible side affects of the mirena ? I had a terrible time with mine at first.
If you must keep it a secret (confused) then why not get the depo provera injection?

SoupDragon Wed 13-Mar-19 07:16:22

You had another 'frank' discussion but STILL didn't tell him about the coil?

What's strange about that? If she tells him, she absolves him of even the responsibility and hassle of using condoms. Why would she do that?

youknowmedontyou Wed 13-Mar-19 07:21:40

I personally find this depressing, why can't you say "OH, I'm worried about the safety of using condoms, I don't want to go back to hormonal contraception, when are you likely to get the snip?"

Discuss how an unwanted pregnancy will change both your lives, why in a relationship such subterfuge? Yes, he will be able to feel the strings also.

Honestly, if you have to "con" him into doing what he agreed, you need to speak to him seriously about your relationship.

Ozziewozzie Wed 13-Mar-19 08:28:05

I'm baffled by how many are pointing the finger at op for having considered withholding the coil being fitted.
Comments such as 'coil is reversible' 'snip isnt'
A lady has a period every month, smear tests, vaginal examinations, birth, possible stitching etc afterwards, really heavy bleeding after birth, more periods, thrush, bv, maybe more births, weak bladder, incontinance for some ladies as a result of traumatic births, menopause.
Yes the snip is permanent, but so is being a parent!
The snip is done, it's a fairly simple procedure, and then it's all forgotten about.
Op discussed it with dh. He said yes. Then he should get it done. She doesn't wait for him to insert her tampons does she, or arrange her smear tests?

Op and dh are not wanting anymore dc. Op was considering coil secretly as what she's actually after is validation of all that she's contributed, and she wanted her dh to show her that by saying ' you've been wonderful and been through enough, now it's my turn'

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 08:37:17

He'll feel the strings and know and then blow off the condoms. So I'd just stick with the condoms. He's inherently selfish and would rather leave it all to the woman.

Leeeeemon36 Wed 13-Mar-19 09:13:37

I’ve had 2 failed Mirenas and 2 MAPs as a result. Also a friend of mine got pregnant on Mirena

GarthFunkel Wed 13-Mar-19 10:16:25

Well there is another option. You could get your tubes tied. Granted its not as easy as a vasectomy but its a another idea

Not available on the NHS in our area - not for me, anyway. I would have paid for BUPA, but would have needed DH to take at least a week off work for childcare. That, surprisingly enough, was the kick DH needed to make an appointment for the snip. He didn't want to take a week off work and look after the DC hmm We'd not had sex for months, but that didn't sway him what does that say He had it done on a Saturday morning, walked home, and went back to work on the Monday. And it was more than half the price of tubal ligation as well.

I started a thread about it at the time and was handed my arse by everyone when I said I wasn't going to use hormonal contraception and I was happy to abstain until he went for a vascetomy - as he'd promised.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 13-Mar-19 10:43:23

Sex may be too good to withold it completely, but I know I'd probably find myself not in the mood half so often with a guy I knew to be, deep down, a selfish fucker who will let others take one for the team but ain't on the team himself.

So I'd say if you're gagging for it that's one thing, but if he's in the mood and you're lukewarm, remind him that the days of you meeting him half way are gone, sadly. It's everyone for themselves in this relationship now, so he's just gonna have to get used to being told to jog on, with sex and probably a lot of other things.

Selfish fucker!

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 13:08:36

I started a thread about it at the time and was handed my arse by everyone when I said I wasn't going to use hormonal contraception and I was happy to abstain until he went for a vascetomy - as he'd promised.

Wow, that wouldn't have been from me. No one is entitled to PIV sex. I don't blame you at all.

And yy, a lot of trusts no longer fund female sterilisation. It's much more expensive than vasectomy and for all people bang on about side effects of vasectomy, female sterilisation has the potentially lethal complication of increased risk of ectopic pregnancy in the event of its failure.

Really don't see how you're going to clandestinely have a Mirena because he'll be able to feel the strings.

ElizabethMountbatten Wed 13-Mar-19 13:10:50

My husband offered to get a vasectomy and it took him fourteen months to actually make the appointment. You'd be surprised how many men are concerned that it leaves them neutered

Wedgiecar58 Wed 13-Mar-19 13:59:40

I dont really understand why you would want to lie to him, so he gets the snip, if you don't mind having the coil?

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