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to regret giving my son his last name?

(41 Posts)
marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 11:52:15

Recently ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex partner. I mentioned double barreling our son's name or giving him mine until we ever got married, but he shut me down. I gave in and have him his last name because I felt so bullied. I left him when my son was 3 months old and severely regret this.

I know it's only a name but now I am reminded of how awful my ex is and feel sick that my son has his surname. I don't think I can change it now.

AIBU to feel like a fool? I was really weak at the time and now I severely regret not being stronger

marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 12:07:05

I'm filling out forms at the moment and don't even like writing his surname. It makes me feel sick.

IratePanda Tue 12-Mar-19 12:09:45

If I recall correctly, when we registered our daughter in December, we were told that it could be changed later, but for a fee. If you truly dislike your choice that much, it may be worth looking in to. I don't think it's cheap though. A hundred pounds at the very least. I can't be sure.

IratePanda Tue 12-Mar-19 12:12:20

Though, for what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't want such a prominent reminder of an abusive ex, either. I hope you find a solution x

marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 12:12:56

@IratePanda his name is on the birth certificate and I would need his permission which he would absolutely not give...

megletthesecond Tue 12-Mar-19 12:14:07

Yanbu. Exactly the same here. XP wouldn't let me double barrel the dc's names. But it would be hard to double barrel without finding him and asking him, which I'm not going to risk.
I think the dc's plan to double barrel when they're 18.

marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 12:16:11

It makes me feel sick to my stomach even writing it down. I hate it so much.

BruceAndNosh Tue 12-Mar-19 12:20:18

You can call yourself or your child whatever you want as long as there is no intent to defraud.
So if your child is legally Josh Exname he can still be "known as" Josh Yourname for day to day use, including school.

Once your ex realises that everyone apart from Government departments know your child as Josh Yourname, he might accept that it's pointless to stop you from completing the name change legally.

Bookworm4 Tue 12-Mar-19 12:22:03

You do not need his permission, I had 2 of my DC surnames changed when I remarried, witnessed and signed by a JP.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 12-Mar-19 12:22:39

A lot of the kids at school used different names - this isnt illegal - the MIS is set up to cover this :legal first name, legal family name, preferred known name, preferred surname. So long as GCSE certificates come out in the correct name, and passports of course, at 16 the child can legally chage their own name if they so wish. Many did. Its worth pointing out that many schools use upto 4 exam boards, each certificate costs in the region of £35 to replace - it's an expensive financial lay out if they do need replacing.

We had many instances of :

'Anastasia Brown' known as Ana Green.

Bookworm4 Tue 12-Mar-19 12:23:02

Everything since they were tots has this surname including NI number, passport etc

planespotting Tue 12-Mar-19 12:24:38

Call him your name apart from passport and when he is old enough he can change it himself. He would want yours anyway thanks

Sindragosan Tue 12-Mar-19 12:25:36

Both my mother and Mil use first names that aren't on the birth certificate. No issues anywhere, and I think practically all paperwork/bills are in these names.

Call your son whatever you'd like on any form, earlier the better, and in time he can change it legally if he'd like to.

GetStrongKeepFighting Tue 12-Mar-19 12:25:44

Could you add yours as a second surname and then just phase out his?

My birth certificate doesn't even name my father but I have his surname as my surname confused. I had another name in my christening bracelet when she met another bloke and then I just decided to revert back to my BC name and never had any issues. I never even state the second surname I had and now I have my husband's name.

planespotting Tue 12-Mar-19 12:26:15

My son didnt have a name for a few weeks so NHS numbers etc are on mine
I just changed it all no problem
Official stuff you use the other one I guess

IncrediblySadToo Tue 12-Mar-19 12:45:55

As has already been mentioned, you can use any name you like, as long as it’s not done for fraudulent reasons.

Just use the name you want to use on absolutely everything. No need to tell people or explain anything.

sollyfromsurrey Tue 12-Mar-19 12:58:18

Bookworm4 I think it's appalling that you could change your DCs name without their father's consent. You changed their names to your new DHs name I presume? What if you split up? Will you change them again or will they forever carry the name of some random bloke that is neither their father nor step-father? Their father is still their father. I know in some cases the bio father may not be in the picture etc but surely you haven't got the right to just wipe him from your DCs life just because you want to. He's their father!!!

Bookworm4 Tue 12-Mar-19 13:01:32

@sollyffromsurrey
Maybe not be so quick to judge, their so called father walked out on them at 14 months old and has not attempted to contact us in 18years, so do keep your misplaced outrage to yourself, you don't know me or my life.

Bookworm4 Tue 12-Mar-19 13:03:47

Their 'father' lost his rights when he turned his back on them, their step father is the only Dad they know.

marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 13:08:32

@IncrediblySadToo won't that cause issues for him later on? Also his dad still sees him so we would both be using a different surname. Won't that confuse things,

marmana Tue 12-Mar-19 13:08:40

?

sollyfromsurrey Tue 12-Mar-19 13:13:24

Bookworm4 far from misplaced judgment, I did acknowledge that there are cases where the bio father may not be in the picture but this is not the same as pretending he never existed. I am surprised if you were not required to prove he was a non-involved, and absent father. I very much doubt you or anyone else could just flippantly change your DCs names without evidence of some sort. The OP has not mentioned whether the ex is involved with his DC or not. The fact remains, you can't just flippantly change DCs name. It requires a process. Your comment suggests mother's can just do what they please with no issue. They can't

raindropsinspring Tue 12-Mar-19 13:16:44

Its selfish to change it now just because you no longer get on with the father - presumably he is a good father?? You just cant airbrush him out of the Childs life because it no longer suits you? If that was the case then you should have seriously thought about having kids with the man first!

FlipperSocks Tue 12-Mar-19 13:26:55

@raindropsinspring "emotionally abusive expartner", no I would assume he is NOT a good father. He also bullied OP into not including her name, this will be correcting this problem.

CleanAndPaidFor Tue 12-Mar-19 13:28:17

Wow @raindropsinspring what a perfect life you must lead. OP said her ex is emotionally abusive. Can you not understand how difficult this must be for her? Try on a little empathy for size. You never know it might suit you.
OP I suspect you may have to find a way of living with it until your child is old enough to change it themselves if they want to.

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