To have not taken DS seriously? **Contains distressing content - Thread title edited at OP's request**(57 Posts)
A few weeks ago DS (20) sent me a text message saying his girlfriend was pregnant along with “grandma” type jokes. I think he was expecting me to be shocked and panicked but I was very calm and said “lovely” ... he then backtracked and said “actually, she was pregnant but not anymore” and made out she’d lost the baby. I was very sad about this and he picked up on it and then changed the story to say she was booked in for an abortion. So obviously at this point I’m assuming the whole thing is a piss take and stop taking it seriously. He’s known to make up stories for attention. Last year he went to London and made out that he’d got lost in a gang area, asked a huge gang for directions and got threatened with his life etc ... turned out to be a “wind up” so he has form for daft stories. Another one was telling me his dads girlfriend had tried to choke him with a lolly pop stick. Turned out to be a massive over exaggeration of what actually happened.
Anyway with the pregnancy one I assumed it was bullshit and during general conversation with his younger brother I mentioned that DS1 had played a joke on me and made out I was going to be a grandma. A week or so later DS1 confirms that she did indeed miscarry. I have no idea what to believe as the story changed so much. Why would you send someone a message saying they were going to be a grandma if you knew the baby was no more?? Makes no sense.
Anyway, DS1 is now furious that I told his younger brother of the pregnancy. But when I did, I didn’t even think there was a pregnancy! I’d told him if the joke that had been played on me as that’s what I thought it was!
AIBU to think DS1 needs to take some responsibility for this?
your son sounds awful - joking about a miscarriage? Christ alive. You need to speak to him about this - one day he is going to be making up stories to the wrong person then he will seriously get in trouble then.
We will have to agree to disagree.
Whether he has ad or not this needs to stop.
Ad is not an excuse for what he is doing and he doesnt believe his stories. He knows they are lies and does it for attention.
You may want to go with your son. The OP may. But that's out of her control as he is an adult. He may not want to, may not want her to. May go and lie about the diagnosis. Might tell her he has a brain tumour. He may not go and tell her has.
She cant control if he has diagnosis. But she can control whether she engages with this bullshit lies. And his girlfriend needs to know what he is telling people. It's unlikely it's only his mum that he has told, that she had an abortion.
Getting the process started IS a priority. Mum might want to go to the appointments with him ... I would if he were mine. He might be happy for her to be there with him, as support or to provide information.
As his mum, I’d be having a conversation with him about his inappropriate stories, obviously going into detail of the effect they have, and bringing up the subject of assessment and going into detail about that.
no I don’t mean to let him carry on for as long as the dx process takes. I’m meaning to keep an open mind, but to get the dx process started asap.
But then its jot the priority.
Can you imagine have a miscarriage and finding out your partner was telling people you had an abortion?
These are silly daft lies. This is awful.
And he is now using it to punish the OP.
How would she even know if he is attending appointments? Will she have to escort him?
I'd be reluctant to have any sort of communication with him if this is the bs he comes out with but a kinder approach would be to suggest professional help.
Even if your son does choose to be referred for a possible adult diagnosis of some kind of SN he still needs to know how to live as an acceptable member of society; these are not tall stories, not funny, and have consequences. I think you are going to have to be very firm and clear that going forward you will not tolerate it anymore, that he must grow up, accept his humour could/does hurt people’s feelings and that it needs to stop. Don’t react to anything he tells you that sounds dramatic until you have corroboration.
I have 3 teens all with different diagnosed SN and very differing personalities - they all know this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and I won’t condone it. Your son is an adult, it must stop now. Good luck.
It sounds as though ds needs a lot of support. I’d approach this from a place of concern rather than anger.
There are a lot of possibilities.
Processing and communication issues as a result of asd. Struggling with overall narrative.
Mental health issues of one kind or another.
But happy and healthy adults with no SN don’t do this.
That's just not a joking matter.
Whatever the issue is, it needs to be addressed because someone going through life doing things like that is going to cause a lot of upset.
french ... no I don’t mean to let him carry on for as long as the dx process takes. I’m meaning to keep an open mind, but to get the dx process started asap. Yes he’s an adult and can go for a dx himself ... but his mum can support and play a huge role in that. She will probably be the one who has to initiate the conversation with her ds to the prospect of going down this route. That would be part of the conversation re his lies, not acceptable etc.
This seems to be part of a much bigger issue. This behaviour isn't normal and seems quite worrying. I'd be trying to help him get support for it.
I would go round and talk to both of them together, that way you can establish exactly what has happened and then you will be able to respond appropriately.
French, no that’s my DSS. This is my DS.
I am reading replies but at work so will reply properly later
OP is this your ds or your 20 year old dss who have said has the mental age of 12?
Frazzledbutcalm so let him carry like this for a couple years while diagnosis happens?
He doesnt believe his own story. He said she had an abortion at one point. He now says a miscarriage.
He can go for diagnosis, if he wants. He is an adult and it's not ops call.
She can however refuse to accept that behaviour and refuse to engage when she knows he is lying. And refuse to believe anything without proof.
As terrible as a miscarriage is, it's probably best that he's not going to be a father. He needs to grow up. Who jokes about things like that!
SN or not making up stories that could have repercussions isn't funny.
I was going to quote an Aesop fable but @CuriousaboutSamphire
He has no right to be cross with you whatsoever
Having seen other posts of yours about the way you and your partner behave I am not totally surprised your DS plays stupid ( so called) jokes on you. All very strange.
I’d be relieved she wasn’t pregnant with him for a partner.
Told me was pregnant. Got a reaction instantly and then immediately said she wasn’t pregnant anymore. There was no time for panic or discussion in between. The whole conversation was in 20 minutes via text.
Is it possible GF was around - and getting upset about what he'd told you - then he tried correcting that and making it all worse?
Though I do think given other stories you need a long talk about not being belived now. Also might be worth broaching getting any SN looked at as a seperate issue.
That’s very true french .... that’s why I said SOME have this trait. I think the most important thing is for OP to get her son tested and get help from the most appropriate place. It will be no use lecturing him on how inappropriate his stories are IF they are part of his SN as this just won’t work. Equally, it can’t be brushed under the carpet if it’s NOT SN. I’ll be much easier to get the correct help when OP knows exactly what she’s dealing with.
some SN make up and believe their ‘stories’. That’s why I think the most important thing is getting tested ... then help.
And plenty dont. He could get a diagnosis and get help but continue to do this. Because he just loves the drama and attention. He didn't get much this time so escalated it. Wouldn't surprise me of it's not true but his claim of miscarriage and annoyance at the OP telling someone else, is because he did get the drama he wanted in the first place.
His lies and his possible SN could be 2 different things.
I would look more into the PDA side of autism.
I would contact the National Autistic Society for advice, their helpline is really very good and you can discuss how to go about seeking a diagnosis.
The possible SN makes sense. He isnt too old to be assessed and diagnosed. A friend of mine was diagnosed recently at the age of 39. He needs support to help him understand how dangerous this behaviour could be and to learn not to tell wild stories. Good luck op, not an easy situation to be in.
Yes curious .... but it’s easier to parent when you know exactly what you’re dealing with. IF there’s SN, SOME absolutely live in their lies not knowing they’re lies. My ndn is 24 and is like this. Thankfully, my SN dd does not have this trait - but seeing it first hand makes me realise just how difficult it is to deal with.
If I was the OP, my main concern would be realising that my ds needs help, FAST. He should have had help before now. That has to be first and foremost.
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