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To have not taken DS seriously? **Contains distressing content - Thread title edited at OP's request**

(57 Posts)
LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 07:58:52

A few weeks ago DS (20) sent me a text message saying his girlfriend was pregnant along with “grandma” type jokes. I think he was expecting me to be shocked and panicked but I was very calm and said “lovely” ... he then backtracked and said “actually, she was pregnant but not anymore” and made out she’d lost the baby. I was very sad about this and he picked up on it and then changed the story to say she was booked in for an abortion. So obviously at this point I’m assuming the whole thing is a piss take and stop taking it seriously. He’s known to make up stories for attention. Last year he went to London and made out that he’d got lost in a gang area, asked a huge gang for directions and got threatened with his life etc ... turned out to be a “wind up” so he has form for daft stories. Another one was telling me his dads girlfriend had tried to choke him with a lolly pop stick. Turned out to be a massive over exaggeration of what actually happened.

Anyway with the pregnancy one I assumed it was bullshit and during general conversation with his younger brother I mentioned that DS1 had played a joke on me and made out I was going to be a grandma. A week or so later DS1 confirms that she did indeed miscarry. I have no idea what to believe as the story changed so much. Why would you send someone a message saying they were going to be a grandma if you knew the baby was no more?? Makes no sense.

Anyway, DS1 is now furious that I told his younger brother of the pregnancy. But when I did, I didn’t even think there was a pregnancy! I’d told him if the joke that had been played on me as that’s what I thought it was!

AIBU to think DS1 needs to take some responsibility for this?

keepforgettingmyusername Tue 12-Mar-19 08:00:22

I think you need to give him a stern talking to.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:00:28

Sorry should have added “trigger” to the title just in case. Maybe MNHQ can add a trigger warning?

Fiveredbricks Tue 12-Mar-19 08:02:50

He sounds like he needs help confused

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 12-Mar-19 08:02:50

You can only gie your adult DS one message:

Do not be the little boy who crys wolf forever!

He is wholly, 100% responsible for any embarrassment, hassle, dismay he, his GF, your, other famly members may be feeling. He needs to grow up! You need to stop pandering to him and tell him bluntly how his actions hurt others.

Basically he is an untrustworthy liar and needs to decide whether this is him forever or whether he wants to take a chance and beome a proper adult!

NeutralJanet Tue 12-Mar-19 08:04:58

DS1 is a dick. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

LovingLola Tue 12-Mar-19 08:05:48

I would tell him to fuck off with his stupid crappy ‘jokes’ and to grow the fuck up.

Lungelady Tue 12-Mar-19 08:07:04

What a fucking idiot. And you are trivializing it with "daft stories".

Divgirl2 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:07:55

He's an adult and he's telling these "tall tales"?! I think he needs to grow up, get out, get a job, man up.

spaniorita Tue 12-Mar-19 08:08:54

I'm sorry, I don't 'get the joke'. What part of that was meant to be funny??

Sounds to me like there is something very wrong with your 'D'S, either that or he needs to grow up, and sharpish.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:11:05

He does have a job and he doesn’t live with me. He’s in student accommodation.

The daft stories reference is in relation to other stuff he’s said.

Last year he came home saying he was mugged at knife point. I immediately assumed he was lying. Then the police turned up and it was in the news and all confirmed and I felt awful. I just never know what to believe

tensmum1964 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:11:58

Does your DS have developmental delay or any other form of additional needs? This is not normal behaviour for a 20 year old.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:14:09

Possible aspergers/ADHD but never diagnosed (which is why I didn’t mention it to start with as I can’t officially diagnose). I have aspergers and am very introverted. He’s extremely extroverted and loves attention. He’s well known for being the centre of attention which may explain the stories.

CalmdownJanet Tue 12-Mar-19 08:15:46

You reap what you sow, if you spend your life living like an attention seeking prick like he has then it's bound to back fire eventually. To be honest judging by what he has said about the pregnancy I'd take the upset as fake too. Tell him to cop on and stop bring a fucking idiot, he sounds like an annoying asshole

EvaHarknessRose Tue 12-Mar-19 08:16:33

I read this as
- panicking, reach out to parent for support in jokey way
- have further conversations with gfriend, decide not to keep the baby, panic about letting down excited gmother to be, realise you have to tell her you’re not keeping the baby
- realise gfriend is not going to be happy you told anyone about the abortion, and both decide to talk about it as baby loss

This is a young couple going through a pregnancy scare and not knowing how to deal with it.

The past stuff is also probably due to him dealing with stuff he found a bit alarming with exaggeration and humour.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 08:18:53

He needs to grow up

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:21:09

The text messages were seconds apart.

Told me was pregnant. Got a reaction instantly and then immediately said she wasn’t pregnant anymore. There was no time for panic or discussion in between. The whole conversation was in 20 minutes via text.

Thegoodthere Tue 12-Mar-19 08:22:55

Have you asked him "what actually happened? Because you've told me 3 different things in 3 mins".

ALargeGinPlease Tue 12-Mar-19 08:25:46

His behaviour does seem very old for a 20 year old. Why don't you talk to him and explain that his lies will lead to more and more people not believing the true stuff (assuming he does it to everyone). Explain, that your reaction was as a direct result of his previous behaviour. Ask him, how he expects you to believe him every time, as he has form for lying. He really does need to stop this now, or get help for whatever the underlying cause is.

dreaming174 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:29:12

I think your son sounds enormously immature and seriously needs to grow up, definitely not father material so probably a blessing in disguise.

Sarahjconnor Tue 12-Mar-19 08:38:32

I would be very concerned that your ds seems to age a serious communication problem - is he like this with everyone or just you?

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 08:38:51

He needs a stern talking too.

Joking about her having an abortion when she us going through a miscarriage is disgusting behaviour.

If he wants people to take him seriously he needs to stop with the lies. You can say it's a daft story, it's not. It lies.

And not even funny ones. I would devastated if dp told someone I was having an abortion when I was going through a miscarriage.

If he wants be taken seriously and have people believe him, he needs to change. Given his history and him changing the story, there was no reason to think this was anything than another lie.

Missingstreetlife Tue 12-Mar-19 08:41:53

Do you know the girl? Sounds like a card would be nice, and contraceptive advice.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 12-Mar-19 08:44:31

His behaviour is rather odd. You say he’s a student. I think I’d suggest he talks to someone in student welfare. If he continues in this vein he’s going to have all sorts of problems if he lies in this way to an employer.

Does he lie to the university staff?

As for the maybe / maybe not pregnancy, do you know his gf? Maybe talk to her? I know parents don’t normally get involved. But you can only know the reality of the situation by talking to her. And maybe getting her take on his behaviour.

GetOffTheTableMabel Tue 12-Mar-19 08:44:42

I think your DS1 needs to really start to understand one single point:- people do not take his stories seriously because of his past history of lying. This is his responsibility, and his alone, and it means that he has NO RIGHT to criticise anyone for the way that they react to things he tells them. You are entitled to disbelieve him and he is not entitled to be cross with you about that.
This ought to be a simple concept but it sounds as though it is something he has struggled to internalise. He needs to hear this message every time he tells you something that you doubt. Don’t just doubt him in your own mind. Calmly doubt him out loud. “I don’t know whether I believe this because you have lied so much in the past. I would like to believe you but it is not easy. When I feel more sure that you have changed and stopped lying, I will be able to trust the things you say straight away but I cannot do that yet.” He needs to hear this over and over again. Otherwise he risks losing friends and jobs. All his relationships need trust and he probably doesn’t confine his lying to you but only you can patiently make the point, because you love him.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Tue 12-Mar-19 08:45:35

You can't take anyone seriously when they keep changing their 'story'. My 3 year old does this and even then it's a bit annoying!

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 08:47:52

I'm not sure if posters are picking up on the possible SN...

OP ... I’d try to encourage your ds to be officially tested for SN. I’m assuming he’s at uni? They could help.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 08:50:16

I'm not sure if posters are picking up on the possible SN...

I am. My son has aspergers.

His behaviour isnt acceptable. Possible SN or not. Someone needs to tell him its job acceptable and he will not get the reactions he wants or people listening to him until he grows up.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 12-Mar-19 08:52:15

Well, some of us responded before OP updated! But SN or no SN the advice would be much the same.

Stern conversation explaining the issue from all sides. Admonition about continuing to lie, warning about never being believed and then, if SN are a real possibility, signposting to some help!

Either way, OP needs to parent her now adult son, to help him get out of this self destructive behaviour!

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 08:53:31

french ... some SN make up and believe their ‘stories’. That’s why I think the most important thing is getting tested ... then help.

spanishwife Tue 12-Mar-19 09:04:57

Couple of issues to address:
1) Making up stories: It's not on as an adult and he has lost all credibility in your eyes and probably others. Solution - he must stop this immediately and show he is becoming more mature to the people around him

2) Communication issues: it reads to me like a cry for help but he just didn't know how to approach it or approach you. Whatever the real story is, sounds like he just wanted some support or attention but had absolutely no idea how to get it in the right way. Solution - sit down with him and open the lines of communication. Work out how best you can support him as a parent and explain the ways in which he should reach out to you when he needs help.

thisisntmeok Tue 12-Mar-19 09:06:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 09:07:23

Yes curious .... but it’s easier to parent when you know exactly what you’re dealing with. IF there’s SN, SOME absolutely live in their lies not knowing they’re lies. My ndn is 24 and is like this. Thankfully, my SN dd does not have this trait - but seeing it first hand makes me realise just how difficult it is to deal with.

If I was the OP, my main concern would be realising that my ds needs help, FAST. He should have had help before now. That has to be first and foremost.

tensmum1964 Tue 12-Mar-19 09:14:19

The possible SN makes sense. He isnt too old to be assessed and diagnosed. A friend of mine was diagnosed recently at the age of 39. He needs support to help him understand how dangerous this behaviour could be and to learn not to tell wild stories. Good luck op, not an easy situation to be in.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser Tue 12-Mar-19 09:31:25

I would look more into the PDA side of autism.

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

I would contact the National Autistic Society for advice, their helpline is really very good and you can discuss how to go about seeking a diagnosis.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 09:32:08

some SN make up and believe their ‘stories’. That’s why I think the most important thing is getting tested ... then help.

And plenty dont. He could get a diagnosis and get help but continue to do this. Because he just loves the drama and attention. He didn't get much this time so escalated it. Wouldn't surprise me of it's not true but his claim of miscarriage and annoyance at the OP telling someone else, is because he did get the drama he wanted in the first place.

His lies and his possible SN could be 2 different things.

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 09:41:24

That’s very true french .... that’s why I said SOME have this trait. I think the most important thing is for OP to get her son tested and get help from the most appropriate place. It will be no use lecturing him on how inappropriate his stories are IF they are part of his SN as this just won’t work. Equally, it can’t be brushed under the carpet if it’s NOT SN. I’ll be much easier to get the correct help when OP knows exactly what she’s dealing with.

bigKiteFlying Tue 12-Mar-19 09:42:34

Told me was pregnant. Got a reaction instantly and then immediately said she wasn’t pregnant anymore. There was no time for panic or discussion in between. The whole conversation was in 20 minutes via text.

Is it possible GF was around - and getting upset about what he'd told you - then he tried correcting that and making it all worse?

Though I do think given other stories you need a long talk about not being belived now. Also might be worth broaching getting any SN looked at as a seperate issue.

maddiemookins16mum Tue 12-Mar-19 09:46:07

I’d be relieved she wasn’t pregnant with him for a partner.

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 12-Mar-19 09:52:39

Having seen other posts of yours about the way you and your partner behave I am not totally surprised your DS plays stupid ( so called) jokes on you. All very strange.

oh4forkssake Tue 12-Mar-19 09:54:26

I was going to quote an Aesop fable but @CuriousaboutSamphire beat me to it on the fourth post.

He has no right to be cross with you whatsoever

OddCat Tue 12-Mar-19 09:58:25

SN or not making up stories that could have repercussions isn't funny.

Drogosnextwife Tue 12-Mar-19 10:00:30

As terrible as a miscarriage is, it's probably best that he's not going to be a father. He needs to grow up. Who jokes about things like that!

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 10:00:32

Frazzledbutcalm so let him carry like this for a couple years while diagnosis happens?

He doesnt believe his own story. He said she had an abortion at one point. He now says a miscarriage.

He can go for diagnosis, if he wants. He is an adult and it's not ops call.

She can however refuse to accept that behaviour and refuse to engage when she knows he is lying. And refuse to believe anything without proof.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 10:06:19

OP is this your ds or your 20 year old dss who have said has the mental age of 12?

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 10:12:45

French, no that’s my DSS. This is my DS.

I am reading replies but at work so will reply properly later

mushlett Tue 12-Mar-19 10:13:10

I would go round and talk to both of them together, that way you can establish exactly what has happened and then you will be able to respond appropriately.

Fishwifecalling Tue 12-Mar-19 10:37:49

This seems to be part of a much bigger issue. This behaviour isn't normal and seems quite worrying. I'd be trying to help him get support for it.

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 10:38:28

french ... no I don’t mean to let him carry on for as long as the dx process takes. I’m meaning to keep an open mind, but to get the dx process started asap. Yes he’s an adult and can go for a dx himself ... but his mum can support and play a huge role in that. She will probably be the one who has to initiate the conversation with her ds to the prospect of going down this route. That would be part of the conversation re his lies, not acceptable etc.

AspasiaLunata Tue 12-Mar-19 11:01:14

That's just not a joking matter.

Whatever the issue is, it needs to be addressed because someone going through life doing things like that is going to cause a lot of upset.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Tue 12-Mar-19 11:17:47

It sounds as though ds needs a lot of support. I’d approach this from a place of concern rather than anger.

There are a lot of possibilities.

Processing and communication issues as a result of asd. Struggling with overall narrative.

Mental health issues of one kind or another.

But happy and healthy adults with no SN don’t do this.

MrsTeaspoon Tue 12-Mar-19 13:20:46

Even if your son does choose to be referred for a possible adult diagnosis of some kind of SN he still needs to know how to live as an acceptable member of society; these are not tall stories, not funny, and have consequences. I think you are going to have to be very firm and clear that going forward you will not tolerate it anymore, that he must grow up, accept his humour could/does hurt people’s feelings and that it needs to stop. Don’t react to anything he tells you that sounds dramatic until you have corroboration.
I have 3 teens all with different diagnosed SN and very differing personalities - they all know this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and I won’t condone it. Your son is an adult, it must stop now. Good luck.

FilledSoda Tue 12-Mar-19 14:27:14

I'd be reluctant to have any sort of communication with him if this is the bs he comes out with but a kinder approach would be to suggest professional help.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 15:19:07

no I don’t mean to let him carry on for as long as the dx process takes. I’m meaning to keep an open mind, but to get the dx process started asap.

But then its jot the priority.

Can you imagine have a miscarriage and finding out your partner was telling people you had an abortion?

These are silly daft lies. This is awful.

And he is now using it to punish the OP.

How would she even know if he is attending appointments? Will she have to escort him?

Frazzledbutcalm Tue 12-Mar-19 15:58:32

Getting the process started IS a priority. Mum might want to go to the appointments with him ... I would if he were mine. He might be happy for her to be there with him, as support or to provide information.

As his mum, I’d be having a conversation with him about his inappropriate stories, obviously going into detail of the effect they have, and bringing up the subject of assessment and going into detail about that.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 16:42:17

We will have to agree to disagree.

Whether he has ad or not this needs to stop.

Ad is not an excuse for what he is doing and he doesnt believe his stories. He knows they are lies and does it for attention.

You may want to go with your son. The OP may. But that's out of her control as he is an adult. He may not want to, may not want her to. May go and lie about the diagnosis. Might tell her he has a brain tumour. He may not go and tell her has.

She cant control if he has diagnosis. But she can control whether she engages with this bullshit lies. And his girlfriend needs to know what he is telling people. It's unlikely it's only his mum that he has told, that she had an abortion.

NCforthis2019 Tue 12-Mar-19 16:46:59

your son sounds awful - joking about a miscarriage? Christ alive. You need to speak to him about this - one day he is going to be making up stories to the wrong person then he will seriously get in trouble then.

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