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To have not taken DS seriously? **Contains distressing content - Thread title edited at OP's request**

(57 Posts)
LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 07:58:52

A few weeks ago DS (20) sent me a text message saying his girlfriend was pregnant along with “grandma” type jokes. I think he was expecting me to be shocked and panicked but I was very calm and said “lovely” ... he then backtracked and said “actually, she was pregnant but not anymore” and made out she’d lost the baby. I was very sad about this and he picked up on it and then changed the story to say she was booked in for an abortion. So obviously at this point I’m assuming the whole thing is a piss take and stop taking it seriously. He’s known to make up stories for attention. Last year he went to London and made out that he’d got lost in a gang area, asked a huge gang for directions and got threatened with his life etc ... turned out to be a “wind up” so he has form for daft stories. Another one was telling me his dads girlfriend had tried to choke him with a lolly pop stick. Turned out to be a massive over exaggeration of what actually happened.

Anyway with the pregnancy one I assumed it was bullshit and during general conversation with his younger brother I mentioned that DS1 had played a joke on me and made out I was going to be a grandma. A week or so later DS1 confirms that she did indeed miscarry. I have no idea what to believe as the story changed so much. Why would you send someone a message saying they were going to be a grandma if you knew the baby was no more?? Makes no sense.

Anyway, DS1 is now furious that I told his younger brother of the pregnancy. But when I did, I didn’t even think there was a pregnancy! I’d told him if the joke that had been played on me as that’s what I thought it was!

AIBU to think DS1 needs to take some responsibility for this?

keepforgettingmyusername Tue 12-Mar-19 08:00:22

I think you need to give him a stern talking to.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:00:28

Sorry should have added “trigger” to the title just in case. Maybe MNHQ can add a trigger warning?

Fiveredbricks Tue 12-Mar-19 08:02:50

He sounds like he needs help confused

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 12-Mar-19 08:02:50

You can only gie your adult DS one message:

Do not be the little boy who crys wolf forever!

He is wholly, 100% responsible for any embarrassment, hassle, dismay he, his GF, your, other famly members may be feeling. He needs to grow up! You need to stop pandering to him and tell him bluntly how his actions hurt others.

Basically he is an untrustworthy liar and needs to decide whether this is him forever or whether he wants to take a chance and beome a proper adult!

NeutralJanet Tue 12-Mar-19 08:04:58

DS1 is a dick. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

LovingLola Tue 12-Mar-19 08:05:48

I would tell him to fuck off with his stupid crappy ‘jokes’ and to grow the fuck up.

Lungelady Tue 12-Mar-19 08:07:04

What a fucking idiot. And you are trivializing it with "daft stories".

Divgirl2 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:07:55

He's an adult and he's telling these "tall tales"?! I think he needs to grow up, get out, get a job, man up.

spaniorita Tue 12-Mar-19 08:08:54

I'm sorry, I don't 'get the joke'. What part of that was meant to be funny??

Sounds to me like there is something very wrong with your 'D'S, either that or he needs to grow up, and sharpish.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:11:05

He does have a job and he doesn’t live with me. He’s in student accommodation.

The daft stories reference is in relation to other stuff he’s said.

Last year he came home saying he was mugged at knife point. I immediately assumed he was lying. Then the police turned up and it was in the news and all confirmed and I felt awful. I just never know what to believe

tensmum1964 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:11:58

Does your DS have developmental delay or any other form of additional needs? This is not normal behaviour for a 20 year old.

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:14:09

Possible aspergers/ADHD but never diagnosed (which is why I didn’t mention it to start with as I can’t officially diagnose). I have aspergers and am very introverted. He’s extremely extroverted and loves attention. He’s well known for being the centre of attention which may explain the stories.

CalmdownJanet Tue 12-Mar-19 08:15:46

You reap what you sow, if you spend your life living like an attention seeking prick like he has then it's bound to back fire eventually. To be honest judging by what he has said about the pregnancy I'd take the upset as fake too. Tell him to cop on and stop bring a fucking idiot, he sounds like an annoying asshole

EvaHarknessRose Tue 12-Mar-19 08:16:33

I read this as
- panicking, reach out to parent for support in jokey way
- have further conversations with gfriend, decide not to keep the baby, panic about letting down excited gmother to be, realise you have to tell her you’re not keeping the baby
- realise gfriend is not going to be happy you told anyone about the abortion, and both decide to talk about it as baby loss

This is a young couple going through a pregnancy scare and not knowing how to deal with it.

The past stuff is also probably due to him dealing with stuff he found a bit alarming with exaggeration and humour.

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 08:18:53

He needs to grow up

LellowYedbetter Tue 12-Mar-19 08:21:09

The text messages were seconds apart.

Told me was pregnant. Got a reaction instantly and then immediately said she wasn’t pregnant anymore. There was no time for panic or discussion in between. The whole conversation was in 20 minutes via text.

Thegoodthere Tue 12-Mar-19 08:22:55

Have you asked him "what actually happened? Because you've told me 3 different things in 3 mins".

ALargeGinPlease Tue 12-Mar-19 08:25:46

His behaviour does seem very old for a 20 year old. Why don't you talk to him and explain that his lies will lead to more and more people not believing the true stuff (assuming he does it to everyone). Explain, that your reaction was as a direct result of his previous behaviour. Ask him, how he expects you to believe him every time, as he has form for lying. He really does need to stop this now, or get help for whatever the underlying cause is.

dreaming174 Tue 12-Mar-19 08:29:12

I think your son sounds enormously immature and seriously needs to grow up, definitely not father material so probably a blessing in disguise.

Sarahjconnor Tue 12-Mar-19 08:38:32

I would be very concerned that your ds seems to age a serious communication problem - is he like this with everyone or just you?

Frenchmontana Tue 12-Mar-19 08:38:51

He needs a stern talking too.

Joking about her having an abortion when she us going through a miscarriage is disgusting behaviour.

If he wants people to take him seriously he needs to stop with the lies. You can say it's a daft story, it's not. It lies.

And not even funny ones. I would devastated if dp told someone I was having an abortion when I was going through a miscarriage.

If he wants be taken seriously and have people believe him, he needs to change. Given his history and him changing the story, there was no reason to think this was anything than another lie.

Missingstreetlife Tue 12-Mar-19 08:41:53

Do you know the girl? Sounds like a card would be nice, and contraceptive advice.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 12-Mar-19 08:44:31

His behaviour is rather odd. You say he’s a student. I think I’d suggest he talks to someone in student welfare. If he continues in this vein he’s going to have all sorts of problems if he lies in this way to an employer.

Does he lie to the university staff?

As for the maybe / maybe not pregnancy, do you know his gf? Maybe talk to her? I know parents don’t normally get involved. But you can only know the reality of the situation by talking to her. And maybe getting her take on his behaviour.

GetOffTheTableMabel Tue 12-Mar-19 08:44:42

I think your DS1 needs to really start to understand one single point:- people do not take his stories seriously because of his past history of lying. This is his responsibility, and his alone, and it means that he has NO RIGHT to criticise anyone for the way that they react to things he tells them. You are entitled to disbelieve him and he is not entitled to be cross with you about that.
This ought to be a simple concept but it sounds as though it is something he has struggled to internalise. He needs to hear this message every time he tells you something that you doubt. Don’t just doubt him in your own mind. Calmly doubt him out loud. “I don’t know whether I believe this because you have lied so much in the past. I would like to believe you but it is not easy. When I feel more sure that you have changed and stopped lying, I will be able to trust the things you say straight away but I cannot do that yet.” He needs to hear this over and over again. Otherwise he risks losing friends and jobs. All his relationships need trust and he probably doesn’t confine his lying to you but only you can patiently make the point, because you love him.

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