In search of an easy life?(58 Posts)
DH works away a lot. But he's mainly WFH for the next couple of months. So whereas normally I do the lion's share, we're making a conscious effort to spread the load more evenly.
What I have discovered is: it is just making my life a bit shit.
Today, I unexpectedly had to spend a long day in the office. I came home at 8pm (with a few more hours of work to do) to find the house in chaos and our DS hadn't been fed. I then get yelled at and after DH put DS to bed he disappeared upstairs to bed to watch TV.
Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard, but not really the point).
I realise I'm making him sound like a bit of a p*%#k. I am still fuming!
AIBU to just do everything myself for an easy life? I hate being shouted at. I don't shout back, I either burst into tears (if I'm tired or stressed) or speak very calmly (which I imagine sounds really condescending). Either way, DH storms off. I also hate my DH behaving like this in front of DS.
If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation?
I don’t understand why you got yelled at when it was him who’d left the house in chaos?
I definitely don’t think that you should do everything for an easy life. In fact, how can you do everything if you’re back from work at 8pm? Obviously he needs to step up (as you both agreed).
It’s understandable for there to be teething troubles. He probably massively underestimated the work involved in running a house (as all of us - men and women - tend to, unless we have to do it!).
Does he realise that he shouldn’t be shouting and throwing books? Did he apologise afterwards?
Why are you putting up with it really is the only question you need to ask?
Once you know the answer to that, find the solution.
You can't live like that.
Slippery What? There's no part of what I quoted that says "I'm supposed to be"
So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook.
Perhaps she doesn’t have much choice but to be prescriptive because when left to his own devices HE FORGETS TO FEED THEIR CHILD
Op, YANBU. I would be having a serious talk when things are calm. And I’d start by saying what you said here:
Firstly, you hate being shouted at and it makes you cry or be ultra-calm (which you know may come across as condescending but it’s not your intention).
Secondly it has to stop.so must the temper and book throwing. So what’s his plan?
Horse perhaps. When OP comes back, no doubt she will explain.
I work from home most of the time - i am very clear with DH that i am working and not doing housework or childcare so he's not to expect me to do anything he wouldn't do sat in his office (he may be a bit dense but this took some explaining when i got this job). However, when i pick the kids up from childcare I am "back from work" and if the house is in chaos and the children aren't fed at 8pm then something has gone very wrong.
No one should be shouting or throwing books at you OP. Ever. Even if you did ask them to cook a meal or parent like a grown up.
Sorry, I wrote this then fell asleep!
Currently I still do the the foodplan and shop. Therefore I had agreed I pick something for DH to make. Small steps, I was thinking. I do realise this sounds condescending, which is why I this week he picked the (two) recipes whilst I wrote the foodplan.
I do know I need to call out his behaviour. My AIBU was (probably not that clear) AIBU to just go back to do everything? Which is why I said I know I'm being U about that bit at least.
He hasn't woken up yet, and I haven't spoken to him since the incident last night. Any advice please?
Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3. If DS was still very little I would have gone batshit.
I am still slightly concerned that I may be coming off as condescending, not my intention, but still....
No you don’t go back to doing everything.
Think of easier meals to make.
Pesto broccoli pasta
Jacket potatoes with fillings
Rotisserie chicken with salad
You really need a cleaner for a big clean and then the two of you can split day to day chores.
No don’t go back to doing everything.
Ask him why he got so aggressive and that you will not put up with that shit. It was not acceptable that his child had not been fed and that you had to come home from a days work to that nonsense.
Tell him to think of something that’s easier to cook if half an hour is too much.
No do not do everything...
Have a conversation and explain he needs to contribute and do so in a calm adult fashion
He should be fully capable of picking out a meal and not going batshit at you or throwing things.
I'll be very honest op. If I was getting screamed at and things thrown I wouldn't still be there. I won't put up with that kind of home life. Home should be a sanctuary and a happy place, and it certainly should be for your ds.
No excuses or explanations for that behaviour are acceptable. He,s a tosser, end of.
Whoever wfh in our house does a wash, nursery pick up and starts something for tea, as they are saving 1.5 hours getting ready and travelling time in their day
Personally I think that one doing the meal planning and one doing the cooking doesn't really work. It's better if those two jobs come as a package - otherwise the cook feels cross when the other person buys the wrong ingredient or similar.
Can you find another way to share the load more evenly? So he does both those but you do the laundry or something?
I think meal planning, shopping and cooking should be a joint effort as that's a mammoth job for one person to have to do alone. Maybe not quite so much when just a couple, but certainly for a family.
"Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3"
It really isn't. Why do you think that?
He's learning about relationships. How you treat your Partner and the boundaries that you set. He's still being emotionally harmed by what he's seeing. You are both the blueprint for his future partnerships.
So, reading back, two incidents in two weeks? hardly every night is it? Meal planning is a ballache. Normal people just go to the fridge and say 'what do you fancy'. And you have a 10 year old - who apparently is equally incapable of going to the fridge and sorting himself out.
WFH - so what did he do correct ? nothing at all? was the washing all put through? the dishwasher stacked? the hoover slung round?
OP stop using the word ‘condescending’ about yourself, please! You’ve somehow been fooled into thinking that because you expect your husband to pull his weight, that it’s somehow YOUR problem and your behaviour that needs to change. Not being fed by 8pm and I’m assuming nothing on the go either, my children would be howling! There’s no excuse for throwing a book at you either. He’s being an absolute pig and clearly wants you to revert to doing everything - which is disgustingly selfish. The fact that you are contemplating doing it all yourself for an easy life speaks volumes about your relationship.
Reading between the lines OP, seems like you are saying that your life is a whole lot easier and less stressful when he isn't there.
Sounds like he has no clue what your life involves.
In Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that?, he is clear that abusive people don't lose their temper, they use their temper. They make you feel shit because they get some advantage from it. Your H is using his temper to get you to do everything domestic.
You can choose to give in, allow him to be lord and master and have everything his own way. Or you can decide that that's not the life you want for yourself, or the life you want to model for your dcs.
PlainSpeaking, if someone shouted and threw books at me, say, once a year, I think that is too much and would leave them. Possibly that makes me a precious little flower in your eyes, but actually I don't take pride in the amount of ill-treatment I'm able to suck up.
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