In search of an easy life?(58 Posts)
DH works away a lot. But he's mainly WFH for the next couple of months. So whereas normally I do the lion's share, we're making a conscious effort to spread the load more evenly.
What I have discovered is: it is just making my life a bit shit.
Today, I unexpectedly had to spend a long day in the office. I came home at 8pm (with a few more hours of work to do) to find the house in chaos and our DS hadn't been fed. I then get yelled at and after DH put DS to bed he disappeared upstairs to bed to watch TV.
Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard, but not really the point).
I realise I'm making him sound like a bit of a p*%#k. I am still fuming!
AIBU to just do everything myself for an easy life? I hate being shouted at. I don't shout back, I either burst into tears (if I'm tired or stressed) or speak very calmly (which I imagine sounds really condescending). Either way, DH storms off. I also hate my DH behaving like this in front of DS.
If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation?
Fucks sake. You know it’s not normal to be shouted at and have books thrown at you. No one should live like that.
YANBU. He is a dick.
I agree you should do everything yourself for any easy life, without him. Ditch him.
You need childcare or a cleaner or both.
Why was he meant to be cooking something from a cookbook? Did you tell him to?
I work from home...DH works in another location. If he'd told me to cook something from a cookbook, I might also throw the book.
I don't do ANY housework when I'm working. Not one thing.
Because I'm working. My DC are older though and sort themselves out when they get home from school.
You need help. Working from home doesn't mean "time to cook and clean".
If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation - I cannot stress this enough, YANBU for expecting your husband to feed his child and not to shout at you or throw books. You can’t improve the situation when the problem isn’t you.
The reason expecting your husband to act like an average adult is making your life a bit shit is because he is a lot shit.
Why are you tolerating him throwing a book at you because he did a shit job and got called on it? Why? This would be world war Z in my house in the very unlikely event it happened. Why wasn't it with you?
He is a lazy inherently violent man who wants you to continue doing all the grunt work. he is very very angry that you are making him contribute to the running of his adult life (that is what women are for) and it will get worse.
So many women putting up with utter pieces of shit men. There are actually decent men out there.
Yep, he's a prick. They get used to doing fuck all at home, then make promises they're never going to keep. How hard is it to provide they family meal once in a while? Even if you're working from home, stuff still needs doing.
Please stand up for yourself, it'll be better for you in the long run.
Even if you're working from home, stuff still needs doing
But not during working hours. It;s very bad he shouts etc of course.
But I'm interested to hear more about how OP wanted him to cook something from a cook book. She says
"he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard)
So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook. He'd at least not looked himself...why would OP be telling him what to cook? Particularly involving 30 minute recipes. I wouldn't be at all happy if my DH told me what to cook and when.
There is nothing in the OP that suggests she told him what to cook. Presumably he said he'd seen a recipe or she had and it was going to be cooked. He can read!
I'd like to know his excuse for not feeding his child was.
But not during working hours. It;s very bad he shouts etc of course.
Well, depends. If DC needs feeding during working hours, yes, it still needs doing! When I worked from home I'd still put laundry on etc. I'd just shift those 'working hours' to make sure things, and work, got done. It's not hard, and it's not as if he's being asked to do anything out of the ordinary for great chunks of time.
So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook. He'd at least not looked himself...why would OP be telling him what to cook?
Because he CBA looking/doing the prep himself?
How old is your DH? Sounds about five to me.
Does he help pay the mortgage/rent? Is he a father? Do you both work? Then he can damn well step up and behave like a father and a husband and a homeowner and an adult. When his work day is done, there’s nothing at all wrong with expecting him to contribute to child care and the housework, as you do when your work day is done. But you should not be doing everything.
Yanbu. It is not unreasonable to expect to not be shouted at and have cookbooks thrown around. Remind him – firmly - that he is a father and a homeowner and you both work and you are not a maid. And mean it.
Please don’t put up with his antics.
It's a trap don't fall for it. When he messes up let him deal with the consequences.
Gaol or because the OP tells him what to cook?
I don't know, henny. Maybe OP can tell us. But based on his lack of effort and attitude overall, I find it more likely that he didn't do any prep work by choice.
Not feeding your child by 8pm is pretty shit though wouldn't you say Henny?
OP it sounds as though he has got used to not having to think about the domestic stuff because he works away so much and so this new arrangement of sharing it out a bit more has come as a nasty surprise. You're going to have to talk to him again about this ... ask him why he has been so angry lately. If it boils down to he objects to pulling his weight at home then he needs to admit that, say it out loud. Then you can decide if you can tolerate decades more of living in that sort of set up.
Hat yes it's a bit shit but it's nothing I've not done myself sometimes. I'm not perfect and I don't think anyone else is.
I suppose I'm projecting a bit because some of what the DH is guilty of, I am too.
He’s trying to act as thought he can’t do domestic stuff in the hope you’ll do it all. Don’t fall for it and come to his rescue.
Also please tell me you’re not TTC DC2 with this man child.
He sounds really shit op. If your life is easier when he's away does that not make you think about what your life would be like if you were single? Having a partner should make life easier and happier, not worse.
He needs to learn and get on with it himself. When you are tasked to do something, there's nothing worse then having someone telling you what to do. So he is not as good at you, of course he's not, he doesn't have your experience. Let him get on with it, arrange what to cook in the evening,s, do a shopping list and that's that. Let him look after your ds and learn the consequences of not having a proper routine. He'll soon adjust.
Frankly, I don't understand why you would have got him to do a meal of your selection from a cook book. That seems a bit extreme if if it is not something he is used to. It might 1/2 hour for you but was most likely 1 hour for him. Also its not like he isn't working, he is working from home so still stressed and tired. Let him decides how taking on cooking in the evening works best for him and support him with encouragements even if it's not yet gourmet cooking.
Where does op say she chose what he was cooking?
Are we all projecting here? I didn't read anything about op forcing him to do a recipe from a book?
OP said this Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take
From that I think we can surmise that the man hadn't decided to cook it himself or he'd know how long it took.
I use that expression a lot and I'm the only adult in the house no one makes me do anything
I don’t understand why you got yelled at when it was him who’d left the house in chaos?
I definitely don’t think that you should do everything for an easy life. In fact, how can you do everything if you’re back from work at 8pm? Obviously he needs to step up (as you both agreed).
It’s understandable for there to be teething troubles. He probably massively underestimated the work involved in running a house (as all of us - men and women - tend to, unless we have to do it!).
Does he realise that he shouldn’t be shouting and throwing books? Did he apologise afterwards?
Why are you putting up with it really is the only question you need to ask?
Once you know the answer to that, find the solution.
You can't live like that.
Slippery What? There's no part of what I quoted that says "I'm supposed to be"
So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook.
Perhaps she doesn’t have much choice but to be prescriptive because when left to his own devices HE FORGETS TO FEED THEIR CHILD
Op, YANBU. I would be having a serious talk when things are calm. And I’d start by saying what you said here:
Firstly, you hate being shouted at and it makes you cry or be ultra-calm (which you know may come across as condescending but it’s not your intention).
Secondly it has to stop.so must the temper and book throwing. So what’s his plan?
Horse perhaps. When OP comes back, no doubt she will explain.
I work from home most of the time - i am very clear with DH that i am working and not doing housework or childcare so he's not to expect me to do anything he wouldn't do sat in his office (he may be a bit dense but this took some explaining when i got this job). However, when i pick the kids up from childcare I am "back from work" and if the house is in chaos and the children aren't fed at 8pm then something has gone very wrong.
No one should be shouting or throwing books at you OP. Ever. Even if you did ask them to cook a meal or parent like a grown up.
Sorry, I wrote this then fell asleep!
Currently I still do the the foodplan and shop. Therefore I had agreed I pick something for DH to make. Small steps, I was thinking. I do realise this sounds condescending, which is why I this week he picked the (two) recipes whilst I wrote the foodplan.
I do know I need to call out his behaviour. My AIBU was (probably not that clear) AIBU to just go back to do everything? Which is why I said I know I'm being U about that bit at least.
He hasn't woken up yet, and I haven't spoken to him since the incident last night. Any advice please?
Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3. If DS was still very little I would have gone batshit.
I am still slightly concerned that I may be coming off as condescending, not my intention, but still....
No you don’t go back to doing everything.
Think of easier meals to make.
Pesto broccoli pasta
Jacket potatoes with fillings
Rotisserie chicken with salad
You really need a cleaner for a big clean and then the two of you can split day to day chores.
No don’t go back to doing everything.
Ask him why he got so aggressive and that you will not put up with that shit. It was not acceptable that his child had not been fed and that you had to come home from a days work to that nonsense.
Tell him to think of something that’s easier to cook if half an hour is too much.
No do not do everything...
Have a conversation and explain he needs to contribute and do so in a calm adult fashion
He should be fully capable of picking out a meal and not going batshit at you or throwing things.
I'll be very honest op. If I was getting screamed at and things thrown I wouldn't still be there. I won't put up with that kind of home life. Home should be a sanctuary and a happy place, and it certainly should be for your ds.
No excuses or explanations for that behaviour are acceptable. He,s a tosser, end of.
Whoever wfh in our house does a wash, nursery pick up and starts something for tea, as they are saving 1.5 hours getting ready and travelling time in their day
Personally I think that one doing the meal planning and one doing the cooking doesn't really work. It's better if those two jobs come as a package - otherwise the cook feels cross when the other person buys the wrong ingredient or similar.
Can you find another way to share the load more evenly? So he does both those but you do the laundry or something?
I think meal planning, shopping and cooking should be a joint effort as that's a mammoth job for one person to have to do alone. Maybe not quite so much when just a couple, but certainly for a family.
"Oh and DS is 10, so slightly less concerning than if he were 3"
It really isn't. Why do you think that?
He's learning about relationships. How you treat your Partner and the boundaries that you set. He's still being emotionally harmed by what he's seeing. You are both the blueprint for his future partnerships.
So, reading back, two incidents in two weeks? hardly every night is it? Meal planning is a ballache. Normal people just go to the fridge and say 'what do you fancy'. And you have a 10 year old - who apparently is equally incapable of going to the fridge and sorting himself out.
WFH - so what did he do correct ? nothing at all? was the washing all put through? the dishwasher stacked? the hoover slung round?
OP stop using the word ‘condescending’ about yourself, please! You’ve somehow been fooled into thinking that because you expect your husband to pull his weight, that it’s somehow YOUR problem and your behaviour that needs to change. Not being fed by 8pm and I’m assuming nothing on the go either, my children would be howling! There’s no excuse for throwing a book at you either. He’s being an absolute pig and clearly wants you to revert to doing everything - which is disgustingly selfish. The fact that you are contemplating doing it all yourself for an easy life speaks volumes about your relationship.
Reading between the lines OP, seems like you are saying that your life is a whole lot easier and less stressful when he isn't there.
Sounds like he has no clue what your life involves.
In Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that?, he is clear that abusive people don't lose their temper, they use their temper. They make you feel shit because they get some advantage from it. Your H is using his temper to get you to do everything domestic.
You can choose to give in, allow him to be lord and master and have everything his own way. Or you can decide that that's not the life you want for yourself, or the life you want to model for your dcs.
PlainSpeaking, if someone shouted and threw books at me, say, once a year, I think that is too much and would leave them. Possibly that makes me a precious little flower in your eyes, but actually I don't take pride in the amount of ill-treatment I'm able to suck up.
He thinks it's acceptable to shout at you and throws things in front of your DC. This is a much bigger issue then meal planning!
So are you saying that your husband has recently been asked to do his fair share at home and his response is to shout, throw things and sulk?
It's a trap don't fall for it. When he messes up let him deal with the consequences.
Thing is the dynamic of your living arrangements has changed. He’s used to working away from home and basically doing nothing because he’s not there to do it. Now he’s there all the time and you, quite rightly, expect him to step up and he’s out of his depth. He absolutely shouldn’t be throwing books but it shows the depth of his frustration.
You’ve agreed to share the workload, maybe you need to have a discussion about the detail of how that’s going to happen. Maybe you cook and he does the bulk of the housework - which is our arrangement only in reverse, mine loves cooking and I’m useless at it!
It is difficult for transition from working away to WFH. I have a DH who would leave on a Sunday morning to travel, work away for 2 weeks (sometimes 3) and get home around lunchtime on the Saturday having flown overnight. He'd work in the local office for 2 weeks (max), having 1 weekend at home (and under pressure to spend that "down home" with family 2.5 hours away ) and, having not really slowed down at all, be back on the merry-go-round of overnight travel again on the Sunday of the 2nd weekend. For 4 looooong years. DD and I literally had a routine for when he was away, and a completely different routine for when he was home. And DH did get used to having laundry and cleaning done for him while away (he still had to either eat out or make relatively easy dinners for himself - slight step up from pot noodle but lots of ready meals as usually only microwave, or a single ring in the better digs).
Find time to sit down with him and ASK what he expects, and how he wants it to work. And acknowledge that it is hard for him, but also let him know that it's hard for you to adjust after he has been away for so long.
Have a list of the different chores that need doing, and roughly how often/how long they take, to help figure it out.
Would the 10 yo be able to cook themselves, or at least get involved in prep work? Teaching DCs to cook is an invaluable lifeskill, regardless of anything else.
If your son is 10, why didn't he tell his dad he was hungry? Have you asked him? I'm wondering if he did, but got shouted at, or if he was too afraid to ask.
I hope my DDs don't end up married to your DS if this is the behaviour his father is modelling. A 10 year old boy and an adult husband should be perfectly capable of putting in a day at school / work and keeping the house respectable and making a meal for a working Mum returning home at 8pm.
Do you normally work so late when your DH is away? If not and you are taking the chance to "lean in" while your DH is home then perhaps they both resent this. Did you expect them to wait that late to eat?
If I worked full time I would not be doing all the wifework for the Lord of the manner to return home and treat me like S**t. Struggling to understand why you don't just LTB if you want an easy life.
He is being an absolute fucken wanker ,
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
You also don't deserve to have to do all the work just to not be treated like shit.
You deserve some one who respects you , the amazing person you are and the work you do, and does there share without even being asked
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