In search of an easy life?

[alliejay81]

DH works away a lot. But he's mainly WFH for the next couple of months. So whereas normally I do the lion's share, we're making a conscious effort to spread the load more evenly.

What I have discovered is: it is just making my life a bit shit.

Today, I unexpectedly had to spend a long day in the office. I came home at 8pm (with a few more hours of work to do) to find the house in chaos and our DS hadn't been fed. I then get yelled at and after DH put DS to bed he disappeared upstairs to bed to watch TV.

Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard, but not really the point).

I realise I'm making him sound like a bit of a p*%#k. I am still fuming!

AIBU to just do everything myself for an easy life? I hate being shouted at. I don't shout back, I either burst into tears (if I'm tired or stressed) or speak very calmly (which I imagine sounds really condescending). Either way, DH storms off. I also hate my DH behaving like this in front of DS.

If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation?

[BlueSkiesLies]

Fucks sake. You know it’s not normal to be shouted at and have books thrown at you. No one should live like that.

[whywhywhy6]

YANBU. He is a dick.

I agree you should do everything yourself for any easy life, without him. Ditch him.

[HennyPennyHorror]

You need childcare or a cleaner or both.

Why was he meant to be cooking something from a cookbook? Did you tell him to?

I work from home...DH works in another location. If he'd told me to cook something from a cookbook, I might also throw the book.

I don't do ANY housework when I'm working. Not one thing.

Because I'm working. My DC are older though and sort themselves out when they get home from school.

You need help. Working from home doesn't mean "time to cook and clean".

[PuzzlingPuzzle]

If I am BU (which I probably am) how do I improve the situation - I cannot stress this enough, YANBU for expecting your husband to feed his child and not to shout at you or throw books. You can’t improve the situation when the problem isn’t you.

[pallisers]

The reason expecting your husband to act like an average adult is making your life a bit shit is because he is a lot shit.

Why are you tolerating him throwing a book at you because he did a shit job and got called on it? Why? This would be world war Z in my house in the very unlikely event it happened. Why wasn't it with you?

He is a lazy inherently violent man who wants you to continue doing all the grunt work. he is very very angry that you are making him contribute to the running of his adult life (that is what women are for) and it will get worse.

So many women putting up with utter pieces of shit men. There are actually decent men out there.

[Gaolbird]

Yep, he's a prick. They get used to doing fuck all at home, then make promises they're never going to keep. How hard is it to provide they family meal once in a while? Even if you're working from home, stuff still needs doing.
Please stand up for yourself, it'll be better for you in the long run.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Even if you're working from home, stuff still needs doing

But not during working hours. It;s very bad he shouts etc of course.

But I'm interested to hear more about how OP wanted him to cook something from a cook book. She says

"he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take. (It took 30 mins, he knew what he was cooking and he's been chilling whilst me and DS we're out). He threw the book (not hard)

So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook. He'd at least not looked himself...why would OP be telling him what to cook? Particularly involving 30 minute recipes. I wouldn't be at all happy if my DH told me what to cook and when.

[Seren85]

There is nothing in the OP that suggests she told him what to cook. Presumably he said he'd seen a recipe or she had and it was going to be cooked. He can read!

[Motoko]

I'd like to know his excuse for not feeding his child was.

[Gaolbird]

But not during working hours. It;s very bad he shouts etc of course.
Well, depends. If DC needs feeding during working hours, yes, it still needs doing! When I worked from home I'd still put laundry on etc. I'd just shift those 'working hours' to make sure things, and work, got done. It's not hard, and it's not as if he's being asked to do anything out of the ordinary for great chunks of time.

[Gaolbird]

So that suggests she was perhaps prescriptive in the meal he was meant to cook. He'd at least not looked himself...why would OP be telling him what to cook?

Because he CBA looking/doing the prep himself?

[OutOntheTilez]

How old is your DH? Sounds about five to me.

Does he help pay the mortgage/rent? Is he a father? Do you both work? Then he can damn well step up and behave like a father and a husband and a homeowner and an adult. When his work day is done, there’s nothing at all wrong with expecting him to contribute to child care and the housework, as you do when your work day is done. But you should not be doing everything.

Yanbu. It is not unreasonable to expect to not be shouted at and have cookbooks thrown around. Remind him – firmly - that he is a father and a homeowner and you both work and you are not a maid. And mean it.

Please don’t put up with his antics.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

It's a trap don't fall for it. When he messes up let him deal with the consequences.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Gaol or because the OP tells him what to cook?

[Gaolbird]

I don't know, henny. Maybe OP can tell us. But based on his lack of effort and attitude overall, I find it more likely that he didn't do any prep work by choice.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Not feeding your child by 8pm is pretty shit though wouldn't you say Henny?

OP it sounds as though he has got used to not having to think about the domestic stuff because he works away so much and so this new arrangement of sharing it out a bit more has come as a nasty surprise. You're going to have to talk to him again about this ... ask him why he has been so angry lately. If it boils down to he objects to pulling his weight at home then he needs to admit that, say it out loud. Then you can decide if you can tolerate decades more of living in that sort of set up.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Hat yes it's a bit shit but it's nothing I've not done myself sometimes. I'm not perfect and I don't think anyone else is.

I suppose I'm projecting a bit because some of what the DH is guilty of, I am too.

[Unfinishedkitchen]

He’s trying to act as thought he can’t do domestic stuff in the hope you’ll do it all. Don’t fall for it and come to his rescue.

Also please tell me you’re not TTC DC2 with this man child.

[liamhemsworthsrealwife]

He sounds really shit op. If your life is easier when he's away does that not make you think about what your life would be like if you were single? Having a partner should make life easier and happier, not worse.

[swingofthings]

He needs to learn and get on with it himself. When you are tasked to do something, there's nothing worse then having someone telling you what to do. So he is not as good at you, of course he's not, he doesn't have your experience. Let him get on with it, arrange what to cook in the evening,s, do a shopping list and that's that. Let him look after your ds and learn the consequences of not having a proper routine. He'll soon adjust.

Frankly, I don't understand why you would have got him to do a meal of your selection from a cook book. That seems a bit extreme if if it is not something he is used to. It might 1/2 hour for you but was most likely 1 hour for him. Also its not like he isn't working, he is working from home so still stressed and tired. Let him decides how taking on cooking in the evening works best for him and support him with encouragements even if it's not yet gourmet cooking.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Where does op say she chose what he was cooking?

[slipperywhensparticus]

Are we all projecting here? I didn't read anything about op forcing him to do a recipe from a book?

[HennyPennyHorror]

Slippery

OP said this Last week, he was supposed to be cooking something from a cook book. DH got annoyed because I hadn't forewarned him how long it would take

From that I think we can surmise that the man hadn't decided to cook it himself or he'd know how long it took.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I use that expression a lot and I'm the only adult in the house no one makes me do anything

[HennyPennyHorror]

What expression?