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Losing everything. Can we ever recover?

(59 Posts)
itsallgonetohell Mon 11-Mar-19 13:55:38

Name changed for this as very outing.

DH has always been a bit of a wheeler dealer, and has recently made some catastrophic financial decisions which now mean that we have no choice but to sell our house and move into rental with our DC. I think we'll still be in debt after that to be honest.

I am pressing pause on any anger and resentment until we are out of this dire situation. He has been ridiculously stupid, but he's a good man and had all the best intentions. But like I said, I will deal with the anger once I'm not so frantic and afraid.

Has anyone had experience of losing their home and getting back on the ladder at a later date? DH is in his late fifties, which complicated things in terms of work/mortgages.

I just feel so petrified about what's going to happen now. The estate agent is coming today to value the property for a quick sale. sad

FemalePersonator Mon 11-Mar-19 13:57:37

Nothing to offer, OP, except my sympathies. You have been dealt a rotten hand so I admire your calm (when I am sure you are feeling anything but calm).

I hope this storm soon passes and that you are your family are on the way back to financial stability.

Notcontent Mon 11-Mar-19 14:04:12

I have no experience of this but I think the most important thing for you right now is to get disclosure of the complete picture, so that there are no surprises later on. You don’t want the stress and pain to drag out. The other thing I would want to do in that situation is to have my own job and start saving my own pot of money if possible... how old are you OP?

ToffeePennie Mon 11-Mar-19 14:13:10

You absolutely can! We were in that position 3 years ago. We lost everything. Our house, both our jobs (redundant). We had to move with an 8 month old in with my in-laws. We have pulled ourselves up from that shitty place to where we are now (own our own home, I have my own business and added a baby to our family!)

dimsum321 Mon 11-Mar-19 14:15:08

Have you sought professional financial advice before deciding you need to sell your home?

itsallgonetohell Mon 11-Mar-19 14:15:21

Thank you* FemalePersonator*, you're right I don't feel calm...I'm flip flopping between being stoic and then wanting to curl up in a ball.
Notcontent* I'm 43. In a decent NHS job, but only part time due to having a toddler. Will have to look at going full time I guess. You're so right about full disclosure. I think he will provide it, he's devastated that we're now in this position.

itsallgonetohell Mon 11-Mar-19 14:16:38

Thank you ToffeePennie that is really reassuring to hear

kandykane77 Mon 11-Mar-19 14:28:03

Yes. Ring StepChange. They are a charity and will advise you re how best to handle the debt. They gave us letter templates and everything. Be completely honest with them.

We were there 7 years ago. Lost everything and had a small baby at the time too. We’re (hopefully!) about to get back on the housing ladder.

It feels like the end of the world, I know it does, but it isn’t, you can get through this. And ring step change - honestly!

Sitdownstandup Mon 11-Mar-19 14:35:11

Have you had proper debt advice?

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 11-Mar-19 14:35:22

I think that it is always possible to pull yourself up from the pits if you have a dedent job and determnation. You may not pull up very far, bute nough not to feel terrified of every day.

However, I am not sure you can always reman with the person that pulled the rug out from under you and your kids. You say your DH is a 'wheler/dealer' type. What you are saying is he is a BIG gambler and has felt absolutely fine gambling away your DCs home and known life. That he is mortified now is too little too late, perhaps!

When you are less angry, less terrified and can think straight it is quite possible that you will get your life together for you and your DC but will not incldue your DH in that re-build. That would be wholly acceptable.

Go to StepChange and any/all other charirties that can help. Best of luck.

NWQM Mon 11-Mar-19 14:36:48

If you haven't already please get some financial advice. If you are in a union in the NHS then they may have a debt advisory service otherwise there are lots about.

Before selling your house you need to make sure you have explored all options. I'm not saying this because of any emotional attachment but a practical financial ones. The costs of selling may outweigh any benefits. It may not be the fresh start that you'd hoped. It all depends of course but whilst you are feeling emotive you might not 'see the wood for the trees'.

And try and let out some of the anger. It's lordable that you don't want to at your DP but perhaps go out on a run...or whatever works for you...and pound out some of the stress.

MadameDD Mon 11-Mar-19 14:39:45

Jesus F Christ - I'd go mental if this happened to me.

LakieLady Mon 11-Mar-19 14:44:32

Aww, OP, I really feel for you.

Not my story, but my friend's husband (also a wheeler dealer) had a bit of a breakdown a few years ago and got them into the most dreadful financial mess. He owed money everywhere and all they could do was go bankrupt before HMRC made them bankrupt.

They lost everything. The beautiful, big, £750k period cottage in a tiny lane that was her pride and joy, jewellery, antiques, cars (except for one that he put in someone else's name for the duration). He was employed as a director as well as having his own businesses, and lost a big chunk of his salary because he couldn't be a director and more. They rented a tiny modern townhouse and her father had to acto as guarantor.

Three years later, the bankruptcy was discharged and he got his director's salary reinstated. By then, she had worked her arse off and built up a moderately successful business on her own account. After a further 3 years, they had built up significant savings. Her father sold a house that he had built on land that they had owned, and they got half the money from that (approx £200k).

That gave them the deposit for a house, and they bought a big detached place that was a bit of a wreck, but with wonderful period features and in a very good road. They've spent about £100k on renovation and restoration, and it's now worth £800k-£1m.

They're only 8-10 years out of bankruptcy, and they're probably millionaires again now, at least on paper.

I hope you have the same sort of outcome, OP.

AnneOfCleanTables Mon 11-Mar-19 14:45:39

This happened to my DSIS and DBIL. Their marriage was falling apart at the same time and they split up. However, it's now about seven years later and DSIS has her own business. She is still renting but that's her choice. She is in a position to buy. Her DH retrained, has a successful career and has bought a new house.
I know it may feel impossible just now but you will find a way out of this flowers

SapatSea Mon 11-Mar-19 14:45:55

Mae sure you are getting tax credits/UC etc if entitled now that your circumstances have changed. If there is no equity left after the sale will you get HB help?

If you went back to work FT you might be able to take on a mortgage or if our DH got a job you could still get a mortgage for a new place (as long as DH hasn't missed lots of mortgage payments and banjaxed his credit raing) . Some companies such as Aldermore specialise in "difficult" mortages and retiree/older person mortgages although they charge higher rates.

It's heartbreaking no wonder you are flip flopping. Be kind to yourself. We lost our business during the last recession and had to move to a different part of the SE. We may have to sell up again due to a big mortgage, illness and erratic self employment (so no sick pay etc)and move "down" again. to a different region. This time I'm determined to buy mortgage free as I don't think I could cope again, even if we end up in a tiny cottage or flat. I'm mid fifties and seriously scared and then feel stoic like yourself . You adapt , it won't be the end of the world. Well that's what I tell myself anyway.

Your trump card is that you are still young and have current skills and a regular type job. Build on that and be self relaint so you don't have to rely on your DH

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Mon 11-Mar-19 14:46:24

Similar happened to a relative. Five years on she has a new job (previously SAHM), new friends, new life - not as well off as she once was, but she's in control of it and so much happier now. A very hard time for you, but you will find a way out the other side, get as much professional help and advice as you can. Best of luck x

Notcontent Mon 11-Mar-19 14:46:36

I think Curious speaks a lot of sense. I guess how you move forward depends on the circumstances and I may be that you decide that no matter how much you love your DH, you need to separate so you can rebuild your life without the fear of it happening again.

Grace212 Mon 11-Mar-19 14:54:46

another one saying please make sure you get proper advice.

Are you fully in the picture and confident that selling the house is the right plan? If you have any doubts you must revisit all the figures.

what is the plan for DH earning in future?

PiebaldHamster Mon 11-Mar-19 15:01:00

Has anyone had experience of losing their home and getting back on the ladder at a later date? DH is in his late fifties, which complicated things in terms of work/mortgages.

Late 50s?

Look, the last thing on your mind right now should be the 'ladder'. You need to know exactly how much debt you are in and get some proper debt advice, StepChange or Christians Against Poverty or the like. Has he actually come clean about how much debt is involved? And what is he doing to change and not stop being a 'wheeler dealer'?

It's not as likely he'll be a homeowner again as his age with shit credit but again, the priority is now.

He's late fifties with a toddler? Are you sure he doesn't have any other assets at his age you can use?

fuzzyduck1 Mon 11-Mar-19 15:06:09

Don’t sell the house doesn’t matter what you owe they can’t take your house unless he owes tax.

Get advice and quick.

PettyContractor Mon 11-Mar-19 15:08:54

If he made the decisions, is there any chance the debt is only his while half the house is yours? Could he go bankrupt while you keep some savings, even if the house is sold? (I'm guessing he borrowed against the house though.)

PiebaldHamster Mon 11-Mar-19 15:09:02

Don’t sell the house doesn’t matter what you owe they can’t take your house unless he owes tax.

That's not necessarily true depending on how he's borrowed against it sad.

Millyonthe Mon 11-Mar-19 15:26:02

This happened to my friend some years ago. They stayed together and are happy now. They had a nice big house which they had to sell. They moved in with his parents who evicted them so that they were homeless and they eventually got a housing association house (they had two small children at the time). They don't own their house and probably never will but they have a secure tenancy. Their debts were to do with their business and they both had to get new jobs. They had some very hard years but I would say they are among the happiest people I know now - very wise and unmaterialistic.

mackerella Mon 11-Mar-19 15:27:34

This happened to our family when I was a teenager - my DF (self-employed) had secured a business loan against the family house, which was repossessed when his business went tits up (for reasons not entirely his fault, tbf). We had to stay with friends for a month and then move into a complete wreck of a house in a different village. Truthfully, the upheaval wasn't great as a teenager (but you have a toddler, by the sound of it, so I'm sure they'll adapt much more quickly). I felt a slightly irrational sense of shame about being put in this position, even though lots of my friends were in rented accommodation! It also killed me to see how upset my DM was sad. And it took me a long time to forgive my DF for what he'd done to the family. However, this was a long time ago and my parents have largely recovered from the whole thing (albeit much less well off than their siblings and friends). They don't own a house, but they manage renting ok (in an expensive part of the country) with a combination of pensions and working (and they're working longer than they would have done otherwise).

So... I wouldn't say that the damage was long-lasting! It has made me extremely financially cautious, but I think it's also made me more resilient and financially independent than I would have been (you can't rely on the bank of mum and dad when the bank is bust!). I also have a great relationship with both parents smile.

I will say: one of the things that upset me most was that my DF put some pressure on my DM to use her personal assets as security for his business ventures (she had a bequest from her mother), and that was all lost in the financial crash. She's still upset about that, especially because she trusted him so much. So, although I know she's forgiven him for everything nearly 30 years later, I think she's much more cautious about how separate she keeps her finances. If you can, please make sure that you have some assets that can't be taken away by your DH's wheeler dealing! flowers

Whatnotea Mon 11-Mar-19 15:31:40

I went through something similar, not quite as bad and I earned good money but something similar.

He should go bankrupt - you should not, the house is half yours (hopefully). The bankruptcy lot can't take your assets.

Get professional advise now. Do not do anything rash.

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