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To ask what plans you have in place for your children?

(17 Posts)
elf1985 Mon 11-Mar-19 13:11:59

I've been thinking today about setting up plans for our children, if the worst were to happen to myself and my husband. We have 2 children aged 2 and 4. They are close to both sets of grandparents. His parents are retired and living about 3 hours from us. My parents are both still working and a little more well off financially. We have insurances which would total around £300000 if we were to pass at the same time. What would you do? What have you got planned. How do you even discuss these things without upsetting one side of the family.

Magpiefeather Mon 11-Mar-19 13:23:59

We are thinking about this kind of thing, but haven’t asked the people yet (very close friends) who we are going to ask to be guardians of our DD if we both die. It’s tough to think about but important.

We are not including grandparents because of age sadly. Our DD loves her grandma but she would be too old really to take on raising a child and what if something happened to her? (Not just death but sadly more likely to contract a serious illness as she ages). Another consideration for us was location. Family are not nearby and we would like DD to be able to stay in the same area, same school etc if we die otherwise it would be everything changing all at once if the worst did happen.

I personally wouldn’t tell either side of the family. Just the people you’re asking. Don’t tell the others. Hopefully the worst won’t happen anyway, so they’ll never know. You could also add something to your will about keeping contact up with extended family from each side if you’re worried about potential fall outs between your and OHs families.

Don’t forget to add how long the guardianship would last (mine was til I was 21 in my mum and dads wills).

DinoGreen Mon 11-Mar-19 13:25:34

I have one DS aged 3. DH and I recently did our wills so had to think about this. We ruled out both sets of grandparents on the basis that we don’t plan to die for quite a while and they’ll be too old. My siblings have no children, while DH’s sister has 2. We asked her to be guardian, with all our money going into trust for DS until he’s 25. DH’s sister can have some of the money from the trust if she needs it, eg to extend her house to add another bedroom for ds, but my DB is also a trustee of the trust so that there is still some involvement from my side of the family.

I don’t think anyone was offended by the arrangements - we just looked at what was most practical.

FudgeBrownie2019 Mon 11-Mar-19 13:29:12

I have a 13 year old with Ex and an 8 year old with DH. If I died and DH survived it's written into my will (and supported by Ex) that both would remain with DH. If we both died, they'd both go to Ex and his DW. It's an odd setup I'll admit, but Ex, his DW and I get on well, I trust them to love and nurture both DC and the Grandparents wouldn't be suitable on either side, although all of them would help out and step up.

TableforJane Mon 11-Mar-19 13:29:26

Our will states that our DC will live with DP’s mum if the worst should happen to both of us... for various reasons, one of them financial, this was the only scenario that made sense.

We are currently considering taking out life insurance and working out how to minimise any Inheritance Tax!

Spiderbanana Mon 11-Mar-19 13:29:55

We have 3 DCs and life insurance for 500,000.
DH and I are from different countries so it risks being complicated.
We have changed guardianship of the kids from my DB to SIL because we feel they could cope with 3 kids and my DB could not. When it was just 1, he would have been fine.

I don't care if it offends DB. My job is making sure my DCs have the best home if we are not here anymore.

I think DB will probably be relieved grin

Dontsweatthelittlestuff Mon 11-Mar-19 13:30:15

Mine are grown now but when they were young I had an understanding with my brother that should anything happen he would have my children and if anything happened to him I would have his. Insurance policies were in place to finance this.
Lucky never happened but everyone should think about these things.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 11-Mar-19 13:35:54

People confuse wishes in wills with legalities. You cannot will your children to another person. You might indicate that Mary and Fred are what you desire, but in reality Mary and Fred might not be able, willing, have their health, have the room, the finances and so forth . Social Services will make the final decision.

I know this on both a personal and professional level.

DH cousin had child taken into care. GPs were too old (in their 70's , perfectly healthy - at the moment) so the child was offered out for adoption. The cousins sibling took the child on - but the amount of scrutiny and interventions are phenomenal. They also do not get any financial assistance other than child benefit, as this is not considered a foster placement.

So, just because you think Nan and Grandad are the best people, SS might not.

mondaycando1 Mon 11-Mar-19 13:37:47

DH & I really struggled with thus when ours were younger but as they got to school age and their personalities and closeness to various relatives changed so we went with his sis and bil. Hopefully it'll only ever be a paper exercise.

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe Mon 11-Mar-19 13:41:47

We have asked SIL to have DC should the worst happen, it was sad seeing it all written down but it needed to be done.

We have asked her not to tell anybody at all as it would very much upset my family, who we live close to, and they live about 4 hours away.

Her and her husband are financially stable and currently healthy, so I can’t imagine SS would have any issues.

elf1985 Mon 11-Mar-19 13:56:49

Thank you everyone. That's really helpful. Luckily, both our parents are your enough as had us both early in life. I think discussion need to be had. I don't think anyone would really be put out with whatever we plan (probably just my paranoia). I hadn't thought of siblings.

MinnieMountain Mon 11-Mar-19 14:35:18

We have life insurance. Our wishes are that DS would live with MIL. They are close and she lives nearby. If she is unable, my DSis as she has a DS and BIL has no DC yet.

SweetheartNeckline Mon 11-Mar-19 14:59:59

My mum and dad (in their 50s) would take on our 4 DC. They've worked as foster carers, live 3 miles away and are close to the DC.

The DC would inherit an estate worth close to £1 million between them I think (£500,000 life insurance plus our house, savings and a generous death in service benefit from DH). It has been made clear that my parents as trustees would be able to dip into the pot for whatever they need to raise our DC, be that full time domestic help, private school or wraparound care, early retirement, a different house to suit them all, cars etc. As it stands, if we dropped dead tomorrow, mum and dad would move into our family home to care for the DC.

Whatever you decide you need to chat through (and legally facilitate) your hopes and expectations should the worst happen - which it won't, but, in case it did. It's not morbid because once it's sorted you can forget about it! grin

kaytee87 Mon 11-Mar-19 15:06:41

We need to sort this out.

On one side we have my mum & step dad. Very well off, could afford a nanny if needed as they're in their 60s. Large house so would be able to keep our money to give to our son once he's an adult.

My DH mum adores ds too and possibly has more patience for toddler things but also has a disables adult ds and hardly a penny to rub together so our money would be eaten into.

I think we'll stipulate my parents as primary carers with plenty of visitation for MIL. Eg she could take him on summer holidays using our money left. Have regular sleepovers etc.

Theunreasonableone Mon 11-Mar-19 15:07:11

I have a public sector pension that would pay out approx £200,000 if I died in service. DDs would also get a monthly income from that (approx £500 a month). DH has life insurance worth £200,000 and another £200,000 from work if he died in service so our DDs would be financially ok. My parents are elderly DH’s are quite a lot younger and still working. DDs are very close with both sets of grandparents.

We haven’t prepared for the practicalities but we have prepared financially.

BackinTimeforBeer Mon 11-Mar-19 15:10:38

We've had this discussion many times over the years - we chose a member of the family who was suitable at the time, had a big enough house to cope with 2 more - told everyone involved - but over time it became clear that the dcs did not want to leave our home town and they suggested that they would prefer to go to the boarding school in our town. So we have put my sister in charge of the finances and a friend who is local in charge of their emotional well being, we have made suggestions as to what we would be comfortable with as a guide only. They will be financially comfortable.

Nomad86 Mon 11-Mar-19 15:52:21

We asked our chosen guardians after dc1 was born. We also agreed to adopt their DC in the same circumstances. Each couple went on to have another child each so we had another conversation to check everyone was still happy with the arrangement.

Financially, we would be happy for them to be in charge of the children's money and accept that a proportion of it would need to be used for their care.

We told all relatives about our decision, to explain our reasons and prevent anyone contesting the decision.

Bear in mind though, that naming someone as guardian does not necessarily mean they are responsible for taking those children in, simply to be in charge of any decisions concerning them.

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