I flipped out on DH and now I feel like the bad guy(144 Posts)
Yesterday I flipped out and intended to throw DH out over a very VERY unreasonable falling out.
He had asked me to not do something earlier in the year which upset him cos I was an arse and I did it, I wanted to explain why I had done it but he didn't want to listen cos he was upset and ended up leaving the house.
I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff and he was BU for not realising I was human and that was my first mistake.
I got really, really angry.
I felt justified to lock him out when he went out of the house.
Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it and I stopped, but then did it yesterday and it pissed me off!
He knocked for ages and I left him there and packed his things and told him he was BU and he needed to leave.
I finally came to my senses and I have been apologising that I overreacted but he seems so hurt that I did that and it keeps coming up over and over again.
The issue is soooo minor but ended up being a major problem
This is our first BIG fight in 7 years
I'm not sure what to do to make it up to him.
(Please be kind :/)
What is it that he doesn't want you to do?
Sounds like you're not good for each other
You locked him out of his own house ? grow the fuck up.
Sounds like some counselling to help you find a way to deal with arguments wouldn't go amiss.
You handled it really badly.
Really hope there are no kids witnessing this behaviour. Seriously man, if you're at the walking/locking out stage then it's time to go your seperate ways.
You locked him out of his house?! That’s a pretty major overreaction.
You sound very dramatic and it sort of doesn’t depend on what the initial issue was, you haven’t behaved well by packing his stuff up and trying to kick him out because he didn’t want to listen to your excuses for “being an arse” and doing something he’d asked you not to do.
You both sound very young, and it's weird that you're telling each other what to do.
Without context or background it's hard to say what or who is unreasonable. But you do sound utterly incompatible.
Very vague story, hard to have an opinion!
Sound petty tho
You sound like you ARE the bad guy. Unless it's about something really serious / controlling that he asked you not to do, this is a massive overreaction.
Are you sure you're suited for each other OP?
Without knowing what you did that upset him it is hard to really give an opinion.
You do both sound quite you g, is this your first serious relationship?
Locking someone out for their own house is really not on (unless they pose a threat to you).
Also why are you repeatedly brining this up if your partner has made it clear he is not ready to talk about it yet?
Ok let me shed the background info
I have a friend that he isn't fond of and has told me at the start of the year that he is not comfortable around her and that he feels she influences some of my behaviours and I promised him I would keep my distance. (We've been together for 7 years and Married for 1, with a 3YO but Ive only known her for 2).
She called me 2 days ago that she needed advice on what to do and did not know who else to tell about it, she was going through a hell of a lot so I called her yesterday to ask if she's feeling better. Whilst in the middle of the call yesterday, he came in and I put the phone down.
He was upset. I started trying to justify that I only started talking to her 2 days ago but he got really annoyed and just left the house.
I admit I really overreacted, I've been pleading with him and making promises that it would never happen again, he's just really hurt.
I would never leave him, I love him so much, I just want to show him.
I've never done that before, don't know why it happened. I was bringing up so many silly issues about how he doesn't listen with chores and stuff to defend myself.
BTW My DD was with my mum when this happened.
You shouldn't of locked him out and you shouldn't of agreed not to speak to this person if you still intended to.
He has no right to tell u who u can and cannot talk to.
As I said before it is all very petty and you probably both just need a bit of space.
What behaviours is she influencing?
Have you been behaving poorly since you became friends with her?
Though that's not her fault. Your behaviour is your problem.
You both sound ridiculous. But you dont have a right to lock him out of his home. That's not your house. Its shared.
You sound like a child. Being locked out of my home like that would be a complete deal breaker for me.
What do you mean by influences your behaviour? Stresses you out? Encourages excessive spending? Or does he just not like you having friends and wants to isolate you? Hard to say who is being unreasonable without details, but as pp said, don't promise anything you might not keep.
He shouldn't tell you who you can and can't be friends with.
You shouldn't go behind his back and hide it from him.
You massively overreacted and were out of line.
he feels she influences some of my behaviours
Does he think he's your dad?
I mean, locking him out is not the most mature response to an argument but I don't think I'd be able to take the high road if DH started telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with.
Care to give us a big drip feed OP? Is she feeding you cake or is she giving you crack? What...
You overreacted but he cannot tell you who you can and cannot be friends with.
I'm not sure he's a keeper.
OP isn't asking whether or not she was BU - she knows she was and has already attempted to apologise to her DH - she's asking for advice on what to do now.
OP, I would send a message to explain yourself properly where there's no chance of interruptions or tempers. Explain how the situation came about, why you didn't tell him and then why you got so angry. Tell him you overreacted and you feel awful.
For goodness sake get over yourselves. Cook a nice dinner and don't be silly in future.
He's completely out of order to say you shouldn't see your friend. Why do you let him control you like this?
We've been together for 7 years
This is our first BIG fight in 7 years
Initially I used to do the walking out and he scolded me that he didn't like it
So you’ve had so many serious fights that you can even identify a pattern where you ‘used to do the walking out’ (like it’s a routine thing), yet now he’s walked out on you it’s suddenly the only big fight in the duration of your entire relationship?
You sound unhinged. What the actual fuck.
A partner who tried to lock me out of my own home due to an argument would regret letting me back in as I’d pack my bags and be gone and it’d be over. Locking him out is so disturbingly controlling, and you seem to have no control over your own emotions, that I’m finding it hard to believe this is all completely accurate.
You (an adult) locked him out of the house?! Grow the fuck up, please let there be no children witnessing this.
What are these things she influences you into? Are you a child? We need to know what these things are before we can have an opinion on whether your dh is unreasonable for not wanting you around this person.
Are you two quite young? It sounds immature, stupid behaviour to me. You 'pleaded' with him (about anything)?? He thinks this friend influences your behaviour?? Jeezo, You two need to grow up.....
I got angry because I felt he doesn't listen the first, second or third time after I tell him not to do stuff
So I think you know you over reacted.
But that line stands out to me.
It sounds like you basically thought ‘fuck that. He never listens to what I ask him not to do so I’ll do whatever I want to’.
And then when he was upset you hadn’t townthw line, everything blew up.
My advice would Be to contact him, apologise for your part (but just yours) and propose him to go and have couple counselling.
You have some anger management issue there. Butbtherebalso seem to be big issues with boundaries and respect in your relationhsip (both sides) which will not help re managing anger and frustration.
You both sound unreasonable but I'm still not entirely clear on the timeline or who did what.
He doesn't get to keep you from seeing or speaking to anyone. You don't get to lock him out of the house (?!). How old are you both?
you two sound very immature and you have dc in the mix, this behaviour isn't good on either side. you need to think if you should really be together, these out bursts and dramas are not the stuff of happy relationships or lasting marriages.
You 'tell' him to do stuff? He is a grown man.....
About being right for each other...
7 years and this is our first big fight and it is because of ME
He is AN AMAZING MAN. I promise I'm not a bad person I don't control him, he doesn't control me I have no idea why I flipped
burritofan Im 28 and he's 29 he's my best friend. I just acted all petty.
He's got a quiet personality and so have I but between us, I'm the crazier of the two
My ex used to lock me out, I used to knock and he’d ignore my pleas to be be let back in. The children would be able to hear, so I would stop knocking so not to distress them. And wait till he decided to let me back in.
I left him after I picked my dignity off the floor.
What behaviours is he concerned about OP? What has he specifically objected to with regards to this friend?
Apologise for what? Speaking to a friend. Why should the op apologise for that?!
Amazing men don’t stop their partners seeing friends.
Your behaviour was appalling and this all sounds so unhealthy.
Also one he’d done it once I knew the potential was always there.. it’s such a control concern
It sounds like you basically thought ‘fuck that. He never listens to what I ask him not to do so I’ll do whatever I want to’.
And then when he was upset you hadn’t townthw line, everything blew up.
@MadAboutWands That's exactly what happened. We are usually both laid back and quiet but between us two, I'm more outspoken. I just flipped, no idea why
7 years and this is our first big fight and it is because of ME sad
So why were you walking out, multiple times, over minor fights in the relationship over the past seven years?
You either never fight, or you fight enough to take turns storming out.
Might I suggest you both just grow up and stay put?
Also; what influences?
It depends for me on how she’s a bad influence. If you do coke around her or whatever, he’s every right to say don’t see her.
If you just act a bit giddy and different around her he can’t say don’t see her (but can ask why you are being different).
@Shoxfordian I totally understand that, I understood why he was not comfortable with her, he did not tell me I should not talk to her as such, he expressed his concerns and I was the one told him I would keep my distance just to assure him. He felt I had lied to him and did not keep my distance at all but that was not the case.
OP won’t you say what his issue is with her as you know he’s BU?
Why did you feel you had to keep your distance though? He's treating you like a kid who's easily influenced into naughty behaviour not like an adult. What kind of rules do you give him? It is controlling behaviour op. He sounds controlling to me.
@stacktherocks so basically, my technique when we first met was before any little argument started (like "why did you not do the dishes?" argument), I would quickly exit the place before it turned to a fight but he was not ok with it and over the course of time, I stopped walking out. I hope that clears things.
Your relationship sounds volatile and antagonistic. Normal relationships don’t require a “technique”.
Why won't you tell us what behaviours resulting from contact with your friend your partner doesn't like?
Several people have asked and you are ignoring the questions.
It would help to know why your DP doesn't want you associating with your friend and therefore to have some idea why he walked out because you had been in contact with her.
Amazing men don't stop you seeing your friends unless there is a damn good reason eg. you are a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and every time you go out with said friend you end up relapsing.... something like that would be a reason.
I think the whole thing sounds pathetic. You sounded like a couple of teenagers and then it turns out you are 28 and 29.
@Wolfiefan ok basically she's someone that is always smoking weed but is a very lively girl.
One day on a night out with her I smoked it too ( was my first time, Im not a smoker at all and I had asthma) and I went home and acted out due to the high.
DH was not happy about it at all because he was the one that had to deal with me and since was not comfortable around her.
She's someone that is quite care-free and swears around DD quite a bit and he feels its cool that she cannot control herself around kids.
His behaviour around your friend is not great, unless you're about to unleash a huge drip feed about her actions that we don't know about.
But, why agree not to talk to her if you have no intention of doing so? I would never drop a friend for a partner, but equally I would never lie to him and pretend I had. Of course he's pissed off, he thought you were doing one thing and you were going behind his back and doing another.
But none of that excuses your behaviour. He's upset, you've packed his stuff and kicked him out. If I were him, I would think you were overreacting because you were guilty of something!
@carrotflinger sorry I'm at work so I can only see some messages I have responded to the question.
So she’s such a bad influence that you can’t even talk to her on the phone?
You sound like you have huge impulse control issues. You’re not acting like a rational person at all. I can’t understand why you hung up or what all these arguments are about.
It’s all a bit JK TBH.
I don't control him, he doesn't control me I have no idea why I flipped
He DOES control you - he wants to tell you not to see your friend
@Wolfiefan "technique" was a bad use of language.
I mean with anybody at all, I exit before an argument starts usually. He did not like that about me, he says it's avoiding confrontation and I should be able to sit and talk it out, which we started doing.
My husband was a cheating twat - at no point did I lock him him out of the house! You need to sort things out.....
He can’t tell you who to be friends with and telling you a friend is ‘influencing your behaviour’ makes him sound like your Dad rather than husband...
Equally you can’t lock him out of his own home unless he’s a danger to you in some way which he wasn’t.
You both need to grow up I think.
Oh my God, you're a GROWN WOMAN and you can talk to whoever the fuck you like on the phone! Having a friend call you upset is a totally different situation from a social call, or a drunken get-together, or whatever. Unless you are bi and have cheated with her, has really no right to forbid you to speak to her under any circumstances whatsover.
Grown assed adults generally don’t bicker like kids. This whole relationship is so beyond U.
Please guys I am looking for a way to sort it out and how to show him im sorry not to be attacked lol.
I understand what y'all are saying but it seems that some people are drawing conclusions too quick. I can be very petty sometimes unfortunately but we all have our weaknesses.
My DH is an amazing person and he was not the one who said I should not talk to her, all he said was he was not comfortable with her and I was the one who promised I would keep my distance which I did for about 6 months but only 2 days ago we started talking again and he was not happy about it because he thinks I lied to him about keeping my distance thats all that happened.
You smoked weed once? And now you can't be friends with her?
Your DH sounds like a drip. But you shouldn't have locked him out
"He can’t tell you who to be friends with and telling you a friend is ‘influencing your behaviour’ makes him sound like your Dad rather than husband... "
I know a couple who are like this, though. She likes a drink out with friends on the odd occasion (she is very, very far from being a party girl - she's really quite square, but she occasionally likes to go out, a few times a year). Sometimes she has a bit too much and then does the usual thing of waking up the next morning, groaning, and saying 'I'll never do that again'. Her wanker DH takes this as a sign that she doesn't actually want to go out (she does) and that he ought to stop her doing it in future. He's actually really controlling.
That’s all that happened?
Except it didn’t. He says you can’t speak to your friend. You locked him out and packed his stuff for him. Completely batshit.
@MaMaMaMySharona finally! someone that actually understands what I'm saying :/ phew
I don't understand why you locked him out over this? Are you sure there's not something else going on here?
I mean, if I came home and DH was talking to someone I didn't like, and he hung up, flipped out and kicked me out I'd be wondering what the fuck he was hiding.
Considering how you reacted, he probably thinks you've progressed from weed to something else. Your behaviour was so ott. And you keep saying he thought you'd lied about staying away from her but you hadn't . . . you did lie. You've been speaking to her for 2 days.
If you think it's ok for her to swear around your DCs and smoke weed then have that discussion with your DH. You may have stopped walking out of rooms but you're still avoiding discussion/arguments and that's impossible to manage in a relationship.
I think you should suggest relationship counselling. You've broken his trust. Both with the phone call and by locking him out of his home. You need to grow up and drop all the 'he's amazing!' It makes you sound insincere. If someone thinks they have an amazing partner, they don't lock them out of the house.
keeping your distance doesn't mean not talking to her at all. just seeing her less, maybe not going out in the evening with her smoking if that's what caused the issue. fwiw I think it is controlling to get annoyed with you because of who you speak to.
however to make up I think you need to apologise unreservedly. if he doesn't accept your apology after a short cooling off period, it would be another red flag to me for controlling behaviour.
assuming he accepts your apology I would then try to speak about the other issues this argument has raised at a later date when things have settled down.
I wouldn't want someone stoned and swearing around my kids either.
Nor would I want my partner to lie to me, especially since you've said he didn't tell you not to speak to her, but you acted very oddly when he found you on the phone with her.
Why lie? It's such an odd thing to lie about.
Work on communication and ffs don't pack his stuff and lock him out again, that's ridiculous.
What exactly did you 'act out' when you were stoned?
@downcasteyes No Im not Bi nor have I cheated with her.
He actually stated his concerns really calmly and said he didn't feel comfortable with her around and that when she comes round he would have to take DD out as she swears a lot around DD who's 3 and he didn't want her to pick up bad words.
He never stopped me from talking to her, I just stopped myself as I also felt I started swearing a lot too.
I understood why he said it hence why I kept my distance.
But I felt he was BU because he would not listen and she had a serious issue to deal with and called me for advice out of the blue and she's usually a very happy girl so I was concerned hence why I also flipped out.
I think you both over-reacted.
He felt I had lied to him and did not keep my distance at all but that was not the case
You said you'd keep your distance from her. This is a very different thing to promising never to speak to her again. It was a phone call, not an all night sesh in the pub.
But yes, you totally over-reacted too.
Maybe suggest couples counselling to improve the communication between you both?
@7Pip After smoking it and going home,I was paranoid and thought somebody killed DD in her sleep. So I was crying and screaming :/ and it was awkward because she was in bed but I was too high to realise it.
I have literally never known a person to react like that to smoking weed.
7Pip After smoking it and going home,I was paranoid and thought somebody killed DD in her sleep. So I was crying and screaming :/ and it was awkward because she was in bed but I was too high to realise it.
That's disgraceful behaviour with your child in the house. You're lucky he's "blaming" your friend. If that was my partner I wouldn't be blaming anyone other that them.
You're behaviour which obviously some does go on in front of your daughter is dreadful!
OP in the kindest possible way, that was not weed. Or not without some kind of additive anyway, your reaction sounds far more like one of those awful legal high things.
I don't blame him for being hacked off with you for it tbh.
Not entirely sure that was weed. Or maybe that wasn’t what caused the behaviour. There’s something very off here and it’s not the weed smoking friend.
Can you imagine if a woman come on her saying her husband did this on a night out and then came home screaming and crying with a three year old in the house.
@AnneOfCleanTables but he is a very good man anyway. I keep saying it because I don't want people to think I'm living with a psycho and not to sound insincere. People just keep coming out with he's controlling and all, he really isn't.
But thanks, I realise now that I think I just put up a stupid defence and overreacted instead. I will suggest counselling and see how it goes.
You want to ask yourself why your Friend can't respect your Daughter and not swear.
He is probably thinking that if you'd partly lie, what's to stop you having your DD around her.
My language would match anyone's, so would my eldest DD's, but we don't swear around my GC/DNs.
He's lost trust in you. You're going to have to build it back up.
Are you sure your Friend isn't creating her own problems? Do you have time for someone who has no respect for you and just needs to sort her life out?
@howwillwedeal none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement.
@10IAR No idea what I smoked then as I assumed that was weed. Just that I was really paranoid after that night out.
"Can you imagine if a woman come on her saying her husband did this on a night out and then came home screaming and crying with a three year old in the house."
She'd get lots of, "phone the Police and don't let him back in".
It's also often considered OK to tell your DH what Friends and especially family they can't see, or let in the house.
@Birdsgottafly hence why I feel I really ruined this one and I need to know what to do to make it up.
I was very irrational in my actions and I understand how much trust he has lost. I'm just confused on what to do
"none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement"
That is a fair statement. Children pick up on things.
Seeing the pair of you never engaging in conflict resolution, is damaging as well.
Honestly. I think you would be far better being on your own until you learn to stand up to “friends” who offer you drugs and learn not to get into such ridiculous and OTT arguments. This is so unhealthy.
Do you just apologise, or do you admit what you did i.e breaking his trust?
Couple Counselling might be the way to go.
@detoke - that is some amazing weed if it had that effect, like your user name btw
I have to say, if she's causing this much of an issue and won't tone down her language in front of your DD and gives you something that makes you behave completely out of character I'm not entirely sure why you want to be her friend?
It sounds like both of you need to work on communication, and trust. I really hope it works out for you.
I'd ditch her though. Not because of your partner, but because she doesn't sound like much of a friend!
To be fair to the OP, there are some extreme posts on MN that always begin by by advising someone to kick the bastard out. Most reasonable posters know that is against the law. You cannot just decide to kick out someone unless it is your house.
I worry sometimes that impressionable posters might get the false impression that it is legal for any female poster to kick out her partner as a punishment for any reason. It clearly illegal. It is one of the dangers of MN that totally fabricated falsehoods are widely circulated.
MN can be wrong. Always check facts before acting on impulse.
She was not at home when this happened btw, shes been with my mum since Thursday.
We have little arguments, as expected but we try to squash it instantly, that's why this issue is just beyond me and Im confused.
I think you start out with an apology. Then I think you need solo counselling before attempting couples counselling – there's so much going on here and I think you need to untangle your own behaviour before attempting to solve your communication problem with your partner.
Honestly from the OP I thought you'd both be teenagers. Apologise for locking him out. Get a therapist. Work on your boundaries and impulse control.
owwillwedeal none of it ever goes on in front of my daughter. We never fight in her presence or anything. Please don't be so pre-judgemental, that's not a fair statement.
By your own admission the drug incident was when your daughter was there?
I quite frankly don't believe she sees non of you storming out, him storming out, locking him out, arguing over friends, over reactions blah blah, you are kidding yourself and potentially damaging your child.
@Birdsgottafly She was not at home when this happened btw, shes been with my mum since Thursday.
We have little arguments, as expected but we try to squash it instantly, that's why this issue is just beyond me and Im confused..
I admit that I was BU like in my original post, I admit I was very petty and just want to make it up really.
To be honest if I were him I'd be thinking very seriously about what resolution I want.....
Give him time, he may come round.
I'd also be ditching the "friend" not because OH wants it but because she sounds like hard work and trouble. Not what I call a friend at all!!
"But I felt he was BU because he would not listen and she had a serious issue to deal with and called me for advice out of the blue and she's usually a very happy girl so I was concerned hence why I also flipped out."
That's because HE WAS BEING UNREASONABLE! He doesn't get to dictate your relationships with other people to that level of detail. You should be free to help whomever you want to help.
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