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Reasonable contact re DC after separation

(6 Posts)
OhMalley Mon 11-Mar-19 11:33:14

What would you say is reasonable contact when you've separated from your partner and a small baby under 1 is involved? I'm taking day to day contact between parents, not between child and dad.

At the moment I wake up every morning to a text message asking for photos, requests up to 3 times a day to skype, constant asks if baby is ok, random messages telling me how his day has been, asking what I've been up to.

He was emotionally controlling of me when we were together, but he thinks I need to just forget about that and let it go for the sake of our son. He doesn't listen when I tell him it's not that simple.

So what is normal in a situation like this when you live in different county's? Is there a normal?

detoke Mon 11-Mar-19 11:42:44

He does not want to let go :/ I am assuming it's a recent split.
Set some boundaries in my opinion.
You cannot fulfil his desires unless it suits you to skype, send pictures or whatever. Set a date and time aside for that and let it be between him and your DC and not with you.
Tell him you are not for all of that when he wants to talk about his day, that's no longer your cup of tea.
If you entertain it, he will wiggle his way back in and the cycle will continue.
He needs to let you live your life and move on.

OhMalley Mon 11-Mar-19 11:45:01

Yes it's very recent. My mental health is suffering. I'm so anxious that I have a bad stomach and am constantly on the toilet (this is really starting to become problematic). I have butterflies all the time. I just need him to stop. Even a solicitor has told me he can't do this but I'm just too nervous to tell him to sod off (in politer terms!)

JacquesHammer Mon 11-Mar-19 11:45:39

I don't think there's a "norm" per se, but you're obviously not happy with the level of contact and that's perfectly acceptable.

I agree with the pp - you're perfectly reasonable to set some boundaries.

Agree one day a week to send pictures.
When you say Skype - is that so he can Skype the baby? Again agree one night a week when he can have that contact.
Ignore the chatty messages - they're irrelevant.
Next time he asks how the baby is, reply "all well, I'd let you know if any different"

OhMalley Mon 11-Mar-19 11:47:24

I feel like things would be so different if he hadn't been abusive. Every ounce of my body knows this man is bad news for me and our son, but I know I have to let him in. I have to accommodate contact. It's a horrible feeling. If he was kind and normal it would be entirely different.

AdaColeman Mon 11-Mar-19 12:01:09

He's still trying to control/dominate you even from a distance.
Can you get a cheap new phone and move your present number to it, then just look at his calls once a week?

Or maybe you would be better telling him firmly exactly what level of contact you will tolerate?

One way or another you have to change your own mindset so that he isn't able to invade your life to such an upsetting degree.

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