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AIBU?

To be upset with my husband?

17 replies

Bearlover16 · 11/03/2019 08:14

I've been bed bound for just over a week with a herniated disc which is causing major irritation on my nerves down my leg. I cannot stand or walk. Im waiting for a referral to the spine clinic.

My husband has been going to work and then coming home and sorting kids, (1 who has special needs and requires all self care support) sorting tea and general house duties etc.

He was meant to be flying out to Portugal tomorrow (tuesday) for a 5 day golf holiday with his friends. Obviously this was booked and paid for ages ago.

There's no way I can cope without him here, he's repeatedly asked me this and he begrudgingly came to the decision last night that he can't go. We have no family support around us.

He's been really horrible since the reality has set in. Huffing and puffing, shouting at the kids. No compassion for the excruciating pain I'm in.
The kids are frightened to ask him for anything in case he blows his top. Yesterday he stormed out the house slamming the front door shouting he was about to 'lose it'. Everything seems an effort for him and he's constantly in a mood.

I've said to him I'm absolutely gutted with what's happened and the timing (and the money weve lost) but I do feel you're acting very childish. Your meant to be a man looking after your family and I feel like a massive inconvenience to you. Im usually the woman of the house who does absoloutely everything for them all they don't lift a finger so I feel like a massive hindrance but I would offer the support for them in a heartbeat.

I told him this morning best thing is he pack his bags and piss off to Portugal if it means that much to him. I just cannot cope with the stress.

OP posts:

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Singlenotsingle · 11/03/2019 08:27

And not to bother coming back! Selfish asrsehole!

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 08:31

He's being incredibly immature. Does he always react so negatively when you hit hard times?

Sure it's disappointing to miss a holiday but his family come first. I can understand feeling a bit disappointed BUT this is him feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on you and the kids. Awful behaviour.

Why do women marry men like this?! I hope he has some incredible redeeming features!

Absofuckinglutely · 11/03/2019 08:31

I get that he's disappointed, but ffs how childish of him.
Is he usually like this?

I hope you feel better soon op.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/03/2019 08:35

Im usually the woman of the house who does absoloutely everything for them all they don't lift a finger so I feel like a massive hindrance but I would offer the support for them in a heartbeat.

I read this so many times on here. The martyr who does everything then doesn’t understand why their family won’t do the same when the mother in the family needs help. He’s wrong to be acting like this, but since he’s evidently never had to help before, why did you think that in a moment of ‘emergency’ he’d suddenly act like a normal adult and realise whilst disappointing to miss out on a trip, family comes first.

When people get ‘looked after’ and never have to life a finger in years, a light switch won’t suddenly come on when they need to step up - and you’re the one who’s allowed that to happen. Now that mirror has been held up to your life (and once you’re better), what are you going to do about it? Either it’s time to reevaluate how the house is ran, or you carry on like this and accept that you’re happy to enable a man-child (and probably raising your children in the same way).

Bearlover16 · 11/03/2019 08:57

As harsh as that sound Kipper you are absoloutely right. He's been spoilt for so many years. 17 years to be exact.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 11/03/2019 09:03

Of course Kipper is right.

He's been spoilt for so many years. 17 years to be exact

Why? Doesn't sound an equal or healthy relationship to me.

Longdistance · 11/03/2019 09:04

My dh was like this when I broke my leg. Well, I broke it in spectacular fashion as my leg needed surgery. Didn’t stop me spitting out ‘in sickness and in health’ from our wedding vows with venom. That sorted it.

Bearlover16 · 11/03/2019 09:31

Bubbles because I don't work (carer for our disabled son) he does, I'm the one at home all day therefore he hasn't had to lift a finger.

OP posts:

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 09:48

You really need to let him know you've been silly allowing him to get away without doing everything by doing it all yourself. Men and women should both know how to manage a house and family. And then work on him becoming more involved.
When I've been in hospital my dh can manage all household, cooking and childcare duties even if I want to throttle him for his appalling hanging of wet washing on the airer. It's criminal the way he does it

Sorry about your back though, mine's knackered so I can empathise with thesuckening pain.

Readytogogogo · 11/03/2019 10:05

Has he forgotten the 'for better or for worse' part of his vows? His attitude is pathetic. Your poor children having to tiptoe around him.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/03/2019 10:07

I'm the one at home all day therefore he hasn't had to lift a finger.

I’m (currently) a stay at home mum to our young kids, my partner works long hours. If he tried to get away with doing nothing at home, he’d either have to change his attitude quickly or fine another idiot to put up with him. Of course, the balance is different in terms of how much is done, but doing nothing is unacceptable. The home is to be taken care of everyone who lives in it, unless there’s a damn good reason not to pitch in.

My partner was mollycoddled by his parents and was pretty useless when we first got together. It took quite a bit to undo years of laziness around chores, but I felt the overall relationship was worth it. Ultimately, if you want things to change, you have to be proactive in saying ‘I’m not doing everything anymore’.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2019 10:09

Time to change things from now on OP! Bloody big baby. Yes he’s disappointed he’s not going on his golfing trip but you’re bed bound fgs, not whining about a bit of a cold!

I hope he can see what a dick he’s been OP.
Get better soon

MarthasGinYard · 11/03/2019 10:10

Is it his friends stag do?

Soubriquet · 11/03/2019 10:24

Oh OP how horrible for you

He’s throwing a massive tantrum because he can’t have his own way.

I would also tell him to fuck off to portugal and not bother coming back unless he steps up as a man

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/03/2019 10:27

Do you need to get extra help in - if he is still going to work whilst doing all what you do he is effectively covering 2 jobs currently.

rose789 · 11/03/2019 10:31

Presumably this would be covered by his travel insurance so you won’t lose the money? Then use that money for help around the house for a week or two.
I hope you feel better soon

Bearlover16 · 11/03/2019 10:41

It's not a stag do no. He plays golf every weekend so with that and work he's hardly here. He said he's missing out on the 'trip of a lifetime'. (The lads go every year). I said to him you've the rest of your life to go on golf holidays.

He'd already booked the week off work so he's home anyway with me this week. I just can't be in the same room as him right now.

He doesn't have any travel insurance because he hasn't sorted it yet. Was going to arrange it a couple days before he went apparently. Typical.

Thankyou for all your get well wishes.

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