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To think OH should take the day of?

(68 Posts)
caute Mon 11-Mar-19 05:53:11

I'm very ill drowsy and tired and a really bad migraine every time I bend down my head goes so dizzy I feel like I'm going to collapse. I don't feel safe driving like this. Ds needs to go to nursery and I need to go to the doctors and the hospital for a blood test. I've been ill for a while now but It's getting much worse.

He said he will drop me at my mums but that is no help because my mum can't drive.

CanuckBC Mon 11-Mar-19 06:11:02

Yes, if he can he should take a day off to help you. That is what partners are for.

Scarydinosaurs Mon 11-Mar-19 06:12:35

He needs to sort DS. Can you get a taxi? It would be cheaper than losing a day’s pay.

caute Mon 11-Mar-19 06:18:47

I I could but I have DS as well I just don't feel good to be our with her on my own.

TheNavigator Mon 11-Mar-19 06:26:28

Can't he drop DS at nursery and then go to work? I don't think he needs to take a whole day off to look after you.

CanuckBC Mon 11-Mar-19 06:29:08

Do you mean you have a DD as well? How old is she?

CarpetGate Mon 11-Mar-19 06:30:26

He should sort nursery and you should sort yourself with taxi, etc. No need for him to take day off.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Mon 11-Mar-19 06:30:33

Do you really need it to be hospital for a blood test? That will be way more stressful for you than necessary. I’m not sure why your GP can’t sort it all if you do need to be seen.

Your DP should sort out getting your DS to and from nursery though for sure

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Mon 11-Mar-19 06:49:26

When you say you've been ill for a while, have you seen your GP already about this? Have they found any cause for concern?

If you are generally well and now I'll, or if you have a chronic health condition, then your DH should at least take your DS to nursery, and if possible ask for him to do a long day. However if this is a bit of an ongoing situation he can't be taking time off for a migraine.

BlimeyCalmDown Mon 11-Mar-19 06:53:33

I'd say get him to drop baby off at nursery or your mum's. No need for him to take a day off.

caroline161 Mon 11-Mar-19 06:54:50

Np way would my Dh take a day off for my illness ever. He might run children places and then run me to the hospital in his lunchtime but he would still do a full days work

FuckyNel Mon 11-Mar-19 06:56:42

No! He should save it for a real emergency like projectile vomiting or death (his not yours)

icelollycraving Mon 11-Mar-19 06:59:11

I don’t think he needs to take a day off. As long as he can do the nursery run,

BertrandRussell Mon 11-Mar-19 06:59:31

“Np way would my Dh take a day off for my illness ever.“

And you’re still with him because?

OP, unless you are a serial hypochondriac or you are incredibly poor and he would lose a day’s pay or his work is so incredibly vital that others will suffer badly if he’s not there, of course he should take a day off if rhere’s no one else you can call on.

HK20 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:01:48

He should take DS to nursery but don't see why he needs to take the day off

Bookworm4 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:04:16

I often wonder how all the married mums think how single parents cope? A day off work when you have other options is a bit much, he can drop DS off and you get a taxi to GP, simple.

EmperorBallpitine Mon 11-Mar-19 07:05:22

Your hospital appointments and diagnoses are important. Your childcare arrangements are important. His work is important. None of these things are more important than others. At the very least he needs to organize to take your children to your mums house so you can go to hospital in a taxi because he is the one who does not feel shite.
My husband has a very responsible job which would not enable him to take random days off but he has occasionally for days like this!

BertrandRussell Mon 11-Mar-19 07:06:39

“I often wonder how all the married mums think how single parents cope?”
They cope. And sometimes it’s shit. The OP is incredibly lucky not to be in that position.

adaline Mon 11-Mar-19 07:09:52

* I often wonder how all the married mums think how single parents cope?*

What does that have to do with anything? OP isn't a single parent, she has a partner who should step up and help her out when she's not well - isn't that kind of the point of being in a partnership?

Bookworm4 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:12:56

My point is the immediate reaction is I can't cope, yes partners support one another but there's plenty you can do for yourself; I don't think the first response should be 'help me' think how you can manage without someone taking a day off or running you somewhere, life doesn't end because you can't drive.

blueskiesovertheforest Mon 11-Mar-19 07:17:46

Bookworm4 how single mums cope is irrelevant to the OP. How people without their mum nearby cope is irrelevant to the OP. How people who don't have their child in nursery cope is irrelevant to the OP. How people in Mexican slums cope is, today, irrelevant to the OP.

The OP has a partner, a baby and a nursery aged child and needs to go to hospital and doesn't feel safe to drive. He's a crappy partner if he could take the day off if she needs him to, yet when she asks him to he says a flat no. Assuming that this is a one off and not happening regularly, in which case of course another solution needs putting in place.

CarlGrimesMissingEye Mon 11-Mar-19 07:18:04

In similar circumstances my DH would do the nursery drop off / kid sorting then would stay in touch throughout the day in case I needed him to do pick up too. Xx

Decormad38 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:18:19

I don’t think he should take a day of because you have a migraine! My dh has had a migraine every day since a year last November. We would have lost our jobs with that approach! Just get him to drop dd off at nursery. There are things called taxis!

ScreamingValenta Mon 11-Mar-19 07:22:39

It depends how easy it would be for him to do this, whether it would negatively affect his work.

caute Mon 11-Mar-19 07:23:19

I have a hypothyroidism and I have a genetic blood disease so Im often in excruciating pain as my blood cells can block my blood flow. and I have been a single mum before and I had more help then than I do now.

He has taken the day of anyway.

Mmmmbrekkie Mon 11-Mar-19 07:23:52

He drops dd at nursery

Have you got an app for docs or hospital? Or are you planning to book? If the latter, very unlikely you will get for today! If you already have app, then get taxi.

If dd only in for half day, dh arranges that she in for full day and then he collects.

wowfudge Mon 11-Mar-19 07:24:53

@Decormad if your DH is getting daily migraines for that length of time that is really worrying. Does he have prescription medicine for them and take a preventative? I am a migraine sufferer and they are really debilitating even though I carry on when I have one. I don't think I could cope with them daily for 18 months.

ArgyMargy Mon 11-Mar-19 07:27:27

Having migraines since November is not 18 months. I suspect he just has headaches.

CaptainCabinets Mon 11-Mar-19 07:33:28

@caute are you having a sickle cell crisis? If so that’s a bit different to a migraine so might’ve been helpful to mention it in your OP! Surely your DP can take your child to nursery on his way to work, and drop you at your Mum’s so you and she can take a taxi to the GP? Your DP can always leave work if he needs to, i.e. if you need to be admitted to hospital.

RMogs Mon 11-Mar-19 07:34:48

We rely on DH wage. He actually offered to take the day off on Friday after I had been ill for a day and a half already with a migraine. I sent him in.
Yes it was difficult, especially with a 19 month old who has discovered the joy in climbing, but although we could have managed without losing the days wage, at the same time, my migraines are a monthly occurrence, and I was already having to take the night off work due to it.
If you can manage (and by manage I mean literally cling on until he gets home) then I wouldn't expect him to stay off.
However,that being said, he does use annual leave when I have a hospital appointment as with how far we live from hospital, and the delays with late appointments means he needs to have DS. If you had known about your appointment in advance, that is when I would have asked for help, but DS isn't in nursery.
Time off for a migraine when you can cope but it's easier not too wouldn't really be a priority for me.
Hope you feel better soon

Bigearringsbigsmile Mon 11-Mar-19 07:36:21

Argymargy, she said a year last November.
Who made you the Oracle on everything????

Decormad38 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:43:01

@wowfudge yes hes on super strong meds now that are giving him multiple side effects. Hes had 3 MRI scans. An ongoing nightmare of chronic pain!

UnspiritualHome Mon 11-Mar-19 07:46:17

I don’t think he should take a day off because you have a migraine! My dh has had a migraine every day since a year last November. We would have lost our jobs with that approach

If your DH has been able to work despite having migraines every day, he hasn't been having migraines.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 11-Mar-19 07:48:16

Has he been taking a lot of time off recently? Is his job secure?

Decormad38 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:50:55

@UnspiritualHome tell that to the neurologist he is now under for it! The point I was making is that expecting her dh to take a day off after one day of it seems over the top.

Willow2017 Mon 11-Mar-19 07:54:39

Good god op is ill, too ill to drive, has a baby and has 2 medical appointments but her supposed 'partner' is far too 'important' to help her out?

I love all the "just get a taxi" thats spouted on here every time someone is ill. My nearest hospital is 40 miles away. Taxi is not an option and buses are few and far between and take 2 hours either way. Not everyone lives in cities.

Its not much to ask your partner to step up once in a while is it?

Being a single parent has no bearing on ops situation. She isnt a single parent she has someone who supposedly loves her and should want to.support her. Why is her dp more important than she is?

wowfudge Mon 11-Mar-19 07:56:47

@Unspiritual everyone's migraines are different. I prefer to get on with things, go to work, etc as lying in a darkened room with one is my idea of hell. However I think the pp's husband may be suffering from something other than migraine to have headaches so severely for a prolonged period of time.

EmeraldShamrock Mon 11-Mar-19 08:00:33

Can your mum take you in a taxi.
Let him take DS, drop you to your mum.
You know his work set up, I know I couldn't take it off unless it was an emergency, neither can DP both jobs use minimum staff cover.

UnspiritualHome Mon 11-Mar-19 08:02:20

OP's husband is taking the day off, people. She doesn't need further advice on this.

SapatSea Mon 11-Mar-19 08:03:52

caute I hope you are okay. I'm glad your DP has taken the day off, sometimes you need support even if you aren't at death's door. Also with a long term condition rather than getting "used to it" occasionally I find I get panicked and need some reassurance and support as my energy and rsolve have been worn down.

Pinkbells Mon 11-Mar-19 08:04:46

Can he take your son to nursery and you to your mum's then you and your mum get a taxi to the hospital?

blueskiesovertheforest Mon 11-Mar-19 08:08:46

caute glad to hear he's taking the day off.

There are no rewards for martyring yourself unnecessarily, and not asking your partner for help wouldn't do any good to single mothers or men with neurological conditions, it's totally and utterly irrelevant in this specific moment whether others can out suffer you without taking a day off.

I spent years doing every night waking with my 3 kids, your usual breastfed babies with dc1 and 2 but dc3 woke every hour long after I'd stopped breastfeeding and well into preschool age, and I had the older kids too up all day of course. I spared DH the night waking because I thought there's no point us both being exhausted and he had a long commute and I only worked a few hours per week, locally. Does he remember this with any sort of gratitude? Nope, he thinks I must be exaggerating how bad it was because I never asked for help.

Ask for help. There are no medals.

Lou670 Mon 11-Mar-19 08:17:10

I am actually surprised that as you stated are 'ill, tired and drowsy' along with a very bad migraine, that you can actually type on here. I don't think I could feeling like that.

With regard to getting your child to nursery. Would it be the end of the world if he had to miss one day? Could a mum of a child attending the same nursery collect him on her way for you? Can a neighbour quickly drop him of for you? If you are that bad that you feel you are going to fall over when you move then I would advise against going out to see the GP and insist they come out to you on a home visit.

As your mum cannot drive and you feel unable to then could you get to the hospital by public transport or a taxi? This would be cheaper than you partner losing a day in wages/holiday leave.

I think the above posting of how do single mums cope was just pointing out that some people do not have a choice as they have noone around to help. They then (in the situation you are now in) just do the bear minimum until they feel more able to do more.

The blood test surely can wait another day and if you get the blood test done at the hospital in the path lab then you can just turn up when you want and wait in turn. I would call the GP out if you are feeling as bad as you say you are. If your partner was working away from home (as mine does) then there would not be the option there as to whether he could help or not.

blueskiesovertheforest Mon 11-Mar-19 08:18:12

Get a taxi is the new cancel the cheque - what a novel and innovative idea from all those unable to read the thread before posting their unique brainwave...

I once tried to get a taxi spontaneously from where I live because my car wouldn't start on a Monday morning... After ringing every possible taxi number and being told no availability within the next couple of hours I had to ask a neighbor for a lift. As others have pointed out taxis aren't an option in many rural areas unless pre-booked, and not everyone lives near a hospital - £60 one way fares are realistic in some areas.

MondayMorningBluesy Mon 11-Mar-19 08:30:20

There are some bloody stupid answers here.

Have any of you got any IDEA what a migraine is like? I get migraine and can't get out of bed or bear light. the idea of getting a taxi for a blood test while feeling dizzy would be out of the question.

Equally, my DH would not hesitate to take time off work- or rather work from home, which is an option for him, were I really unwell.

At the very least he'd have got the DCs to nursery.

@caute You are not in a fit state to go anywhere. Cancel your drs appt. I am not sure if you have an appt or mean you WILL need to see a dr and have a blood test OR if these appts are for today.

Worst case is your child will have to miss nursery for a day unless your DP or a friend can take them.

MondayMorningBluesy Mon 11-Mar-19 08:31:32

Oh, missed your update. sounds as if ti's sorted.

Lou670 Mon 11-Mar-19 08:32:15

Who lives 60 miles away from the nearest hospital? Unless of course she is going to a hospital that specialises in the illness she has. I would not (when having young children) live 60 miles away from a hospital.

My nearest hospital is 3 miles away from me. I am however attending at the moment a hospital that is an hours drive away from me. This is because I am attending (today actually) a specialist burns unit as I was involved in a fire and my face is covered in skin grafts.

As the poster has stated that she has been ill for some time, therefore it was a possibility that she could have been (and now is) quite ill today. As she cannot get to the hospital alone then surely there should have been some back up plan arranged?

Damntheman Mon 11-Mar-19 08:39:59

I am actually surprised that as you stated are 'ill, tired and drowsy' along with a very bad migraine, that you can actually type on here. I don't think I could feeling like that.

Eyeroll.. Just because YOU couldn't manage it, doesn't mean nobody else can. Judging how sick a person does or does not feel based on how able they are to type on an internet forum is bullshit, and cold AF. Don't do it! OP says she's feeling dreadful - this means she's feeling dreadful. There's no behaviour meter for how dreadful one can possibly feel if one is still able to type on a phone in bed, get over it.

MrMeSeeks Mon 11-Mar-19 08:43:50

If your DH has been able to work despite having migraines every day, he hasn't been having migraines.

Odfod.
Everyones migraines are not the same! At one point i was having them nearly everyday for months, if i’d have missed work everytime i’d have lost my job!
Oh and yes my consultant agreed it was migraines hmm

Lou670 Mon 11-Mar-19 08:46:32

There is a 'behaviour meter' as you name it when a duty doctor rings up to assess whether or not a patient requires a home visit or whether or not they are deemed as fit to attend the surgery. The doctor will endeavour to make a home visit should the patient be unable to move.

This is not the case with the poster as she has stated that she is well enough to attend a hospital appointment. Even with getting a lift to the hospital you still then have to walk to the relevant department/ward/path lab. I am wondering how far away the child's nursery is?

MrMeSeeks Mon 11-Mar-19 08:47:10

Eyeroll.. Just because YOU couldn't manage it, doesn't mean nobody else can. Judging how sick a person does or does not feel based on how able they are to type on an internet forum is bullshit, and cold AF

Agree. Sometimes i can’t lift my head off the pillow, others i’ll struggle into work because i have too!
I hear the same crap that “why do you not turn the lights off etc.”
Because it makes no difference to me confused

blueskiesovertheforest Mon 11-Mar-19 08:47:32

A £60 one way taxi fare isn't 60 miles, it's more like 35 miles daytime off peak rate. In lots of rural areas you need to pre-book taxis the day before if you have a fixed appointment to get to, or wait for potentially well over an hour until a taxi will come out.

needthisthread Mon 11-Mar-19 08:49:25

I have had to cancel GP appointments in the past because I have woke. Up with a migraine. There is no way I could get a taxi anywhere while suffering with one.

I would cancel the blood tests for today tbh. I know it's important but there is such a thing as being too unwell to go to the docs.

EvaHarknessRose Mon 11-Mar-19 08:51:11

Take care OP

downcasteyes Mon 11-Mar-19 09:00:48

YES, absolutely - he is a parent, some of this falls on him if you are out of action.

We really need to do something about the fact that the default setting for parenting is 'the woman will do it', to the point that certain men are left scratching their heads about what to do when she is ill. FFS! It's 2019!!

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers Mon 11-Mar-19 09:13:44

It's very, very difficult for me to persuade DH to take a day off without prior planning - he has a job that involves appointments and they tend to be set up in advance. Mine doesn't, so I generally have 'give' in my day. We are piling on DP without knowing enough about his position.Say he is a dentist - not so easy to cancel a day's worth of appointments. But I have to say, unless the LW is just someone who's sick all the time and tells everyone so, I do not like the sound of these symptoms at all. Bending over head pain suggests blood pressure issues or something nasty going on in her head. I'd def get a proper looking at, but fix it up in advance so DP can plan.

caroline161 Mon 11-Mar-19 09:26:28

My DH has taken days off (worked from home) to care for ill children whilst i have worked but I can't imagine a situation where we would take a day off if each other was ill? Only perhaps if admitted to hospital. I say this as a manager as well. It wouldn't be looked upon too favourably. But we are fortunate to normally be well and have minimal sick time. I realise others are not x flowers

cantfindname Mon 11-Mar-19 09:54:21

For the judgmental posters: migraine can be severely debilitating. I doubt the OP can barely think straight let alone do anything practical to sort out her problems. I collapsed several times with migraine, my speech was also affected to the extent that no one could understand me. Sometimes you can push through it, other times you honestly can't.

OP I am glad your partner has taken the day off to help you, but when you are over this attack you need to make a plan of action for the next time it happens. Is there another nursery mum living close to you who would take your DS in an emergency? Could your Mum get a taxi, collect DS and take him to nursery? If you put your minds to it I expect there is a solution.

I imagine your migraine is exacerbated by the blood flow caused by your genetic condition, so sadly it will be an ongoing problem that needs sorting.

Hope you feel better very soon flowers

WillyNilly00 Mon 11-Mar-19 10:08:22

@Decormad38

This idea of migraines annoys me. I have 1-3 migraines a year and I cannot see for half the da, I'm often sick and my head pulses. You can't do anything with a migraine.

geekone Mon 11-Mar-19 10:13:36

@WillyNilly00

I agree you cannot do anything with a migraine that includes typing on a phone/iPad/computer.

I have recently been incapacitated due to a fall and my DH was able to leave early etc in order to take DS to football/school etc but not to look after me, I am a big girl.

wowfudge Mon 11-Mar-19 10:16:26

@WillyNilly00 - I have migraine and I can function. Not as well as I do without them, but I do. In fact, I'd rather do anything to distract me from the pain. I take sumatriptan which helps a lot. Propanolol hasn't helped prevent my migraines.

Please don't tell me and others that I cannot have migraine just because my symptoms and the way I cope are different from yours.

Migraine attacks typically last a maximum 72 hours. My concern for Decormad's DH was that it was something else. He's being tested and scanned so I imagine the doctors have some idea what it is.

wowfudge Mon 11-Mar-19 10:17:54

@geekone - that's your experience. Don't tell me and others that we don't have migraines!

needthisthread Mon 11-Mar-19 10:20:51

have recently been incapacitated due to a fall and my DH was able to leave early etc in order to take DS to football/school etc but not to look after me, I am a big girl.

Aww bless you. Have a fucking medal 🏅

How pathetic of these other people hmm

Willow2017 Mon 11-Mar-19 10:31:48

Who lives 60 miles away from the nearest hospital? Unless of course she is going to a hospital that specialises in the illness she has. I would not (when having young children) live 60 miles away from a hospital.

It was £60 taxi fare not 60 miles away. I live nearly 40 miles away from my nearest general hospital.
Its not uncommon outside cities fgs. Blame the council who decided to put it there nearer the big towns instead of closer to 'my' side of the county when they built the new hospital and closed down the smaller ones in the area and the walk ins.

adaline Mon 11-Mar-19 10:54:50

Who lives 60 miles away from the nearest hospital? Unless of course she is going to a hospital that specialises in the illness she has. I would not (when having young children) live 60 miles away from a hospital

Millions of people @Lou670 - we don't all live in a city or large town with lots of amenities.

I live about 45 minutes drive from the hospital on a good day. It could be closer to an hour with traffic or roadworks. That's life when you live rurally. What do you think all the millions of parents who live in villages or small towns do? They just cope. We don't have a walk-in clinic or OOH here either. That's also 45 minutes away.

geekone Mon 11-Mar-19 14:05:19

@wowfudge I didn’t say other type of migrains were not possible. I also have 72 hour migraines where all I want to do is cry and sleep where I can cope and do things but then I wouldn’t need my DH to take time off work I would be able to deal with my child. You can either have a debilitating migraine that does not allow you to post online or look after your children or you have one of the many other kind of migrains that the pain is prolonged and depressing but you can plod on and do what needs done. Which one does the OP have.

wowfudge Mon 11-Mar-19 14:28:55

You're backtracking @geekone because that is not what you posted.

MrMeSeeks Mon 11-Mar-19 19:47:41

This idea of migraines annoys me. I have 1-3 migraines a year and I cannot see for half the da, I'm often sick and my head pulses. You can't do anything with a migraine.

Ffs. you can’t do anything with a migraine, some of us manage to do things with some of our migraine attacks.

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