Scared of unhealthy baby - jealous of friends

[chronicfear]

NCed for this, posting for traffic.

I have a few chronic illnesses, including endometriosis which is currently affecting my fertility and causing a lot of pain and horrible symptoms (I am in treatment, have had surgery before, but there are bad lapses sometimes). Though I'd love a child, I'm a little terrified what will happen if I do get pregnant. My endo raises the risk of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, pre-eclampsia, premature birth and stillbirth. It seems so unfair given the symptoms I already suffer daily, and my lack of energy to deal with them. I'm really frightened of complications - I know many women have complications, and I'm not saying I'm special in that regard, but in a way it makes trying for a baby seem futile. I also fear having a baby who is in bad health - not because I would love them any less, but because I might not be able to cope. I do have a good support network and my partner is very helpful and supportive. But I find myself thinking, 'it would be just my luck to have multiple MCs, or a stillbirth, or an unwell newborn.' I know this attitude isn't good and I have to have hope. But I've been so unlucky in my health the past ten years. Everything is hard and goes wrong. I do everything I can to manage my health conditions and life is still a nightmare.

It's more difficult because I have so many friends and relatives who are in good health and have given birth to healthy babies. A good few got pregnant by accident. Out of a dozen, one had a previous miscarriage. Only one had a baby who had some issues when born (he is fine now which is wonderful). The rest of them had healthy, enjoyable pregnancies. I just keep thinking, statistically someone in a group of people has to have problems? And I'm convinced that it'll be me. Most of my other friends aren't planning on kids at all so I'm pretty much last.

I know this is anxiety, too. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has felt similar, especially if they have health issues or infertility. I would appreciate ways to get around this negative thinking. I'm in my mid-thirties now, it has taken this long with me waiting for my symptoms to improve, which they haven't really. So now it's crunch time with conception, and I know that my older age makes complications even more possible. Which obviously makes me more worried as each day goes by.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[cloudymelonade]

Been in the same boat OP. Not with endo but with chronic illness that can affect fertility and make pregnancy risky. DH also has a few health concerns and it's something we've discussed when talking about having kids in the past.

No advice as such but in August we got pissed at our engagement party got pregnant accidentally and funnily enough, there was so much more to think about, those anxieties just kind of faded into the background. 33 weeks pregnant now, have had a pretty easy pregnancy as far as they can go and those worries have pretty much stayed in the back of our minds. Having a happy, relaxed set of parents is much more important to baby :)

[ADHMeeee]

I can honestly say, avoiding the stress makes the whole thing much easier.

But my chronic illnesses weren't diagnosed before I had kids, and I struggle with parenting.

Both my kids have issues, SEN. And I strongly suspect my youngest has FMS like me.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't have a baby if you want one. Knowing you have your illnesses, before deciding, puts you in a stronger position.

Talking to your GP, or asking to speak to a community midwife, could reassure you.

[IdaBWells]

Also people may prefer to keep their health issues private, so you may be making large assumptions regarding no struggles or suffering on behalf of people you (think) you know.

I have had a miscarriage but hardly anyone knows as it rarely comes up in conversation.

[IdaBWells]

Also two of my three kids have had cancer. They are both healthy teenagers so you may have no idea if you just met us.

[NotTheFordType]

I've been there OP.

The one thing I'd say is make sure you have a financial plan in place. You either need a partner who is capable of supporting you all for the next 18 years, or sufficient savings+earning potential to do so yourself. (This could include income support or PIP but be aware this could be taken away on a whim.)

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I did ivf. The moment I started on hormones my health took a nose dive and I never recovered. I had endo pre pregnancy. Not too badly. Pregnancy deeply affected my health.

I didn’t fall pregnant on my first ivf attempt. Imo dd only stuck because she is so strong and I believe a weaker baby would not have survived. She has an abundance of energy in comparison to her peers. She’s 10 now.

My dh is very strong as well and rarely ill. What about your partner?

I am now diagnosed with a bunch of illnesses. On reflection I see I already had signs of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue in my 20’s. Perhaps I would never have tipped into getting them had I not had a child.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

And I agree with Nottheford, having enough money really helps. You don’t know how ill you may get. I was in so much pain in pregnancy.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

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[Brummiegirl15]

I’ve had multiple miscarriages but now have 2 healthy daughters
I think you could do with getting some reassurance from your GP perhaps?

[Stargazer888]

I have endo and lost the only baby I was ever pregnant with. That said I have an amazing child through adoption who does have significant special needs.
In terms of my health I had my last surgery a few years ago to remove more endo and it helped.
I think being financially secure is very important! Due to ds's sns we are unable to have babysitters help out however we are able for me to get a massage once a month and do acupuncture and other alternative health treatments that help me. My dh works 60-80 hr weeks so the house stuff is all me and while I've always been organized since becoming a mom I'm' hyper organized. Our home runs on a strict schedule and there's no clutter. It doesn't stress me out when I'm having a bad week because everything is typically clean and organized. This helps ds's anxiety and my own.
I think if you are going to have a baby and you have a chronic illness you need to figure out ways to take care of yourself in the middle of chaos. Also given your anxiety already my biggest advice would be to seek treatment for it now. As for your endo I would seek a specialist and not your GP for guidance. You may have no trouble getting pregnant and it may work out fine but endo is the leading cause of infertility and any fertility treatment you may need will only compound your current anxiety. Or if you do have a child with sns that will compound your anxiety. I would strongly encourage you to make a solid plan for your mental and physical well being and then try for a baby. I wish you the best of luck.

[PixieBob28]

I have endometriosis, currently waiting another ultrasound at the moment as things have changed down below. I've had it for 4 years now, as well as PCOS, a rare blood disorder and anxiety.

I currently have a 7 month old. It took one miscarriage and 2 years to concieve. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It was hard, and as soon as we gave up hope it happened.

Spent the entire pregnancy worried, was high risk. Was unwell a lot of it, but trust me it was worth every single second. My son is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

And he got ill. Very ill. He had sepsis and nearly died in Jan this year. But we got through it. We coped. As soon as you're a mum you find you have this mazing ability to just cope.

I've been poorly since too. 2 postnatal infections (which has had an effect on my endometriosis, hence why I'm waiting for the ultrasound). Was septic too at one point, now having issues with hyperthyroidism.

Honestly it hasn't stopped and I definitely am stopping with the one child. Wouldn't put any of us through what we have had to go through again especially as I'm lucky enough to have my son and want to be around for him.

It's hard but you can do it, if you want that is. And trust me when I say my baby is honestly the best thing to have every happened to me and I would go through it all again for him.

[PauciloquentBumfuzzle]

I'm wondering if health related CBT may be helpful for you. It teaches how to navigate health related problems by relearning understanding and changing to behaviour we use in response to problems or situations. (I probably haven't explained it well, but it it has shown to be more beneficial than normal counselling type therapy). I have just started thisast month after decades of serious health related issues and already changing how I react to (mainly) bad news.

www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/iapt/