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To decline deathbed visitors?

(369 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Budgieonaglass Sun 10-Mar-19 20:34:47

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

RivkaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 10-Apr-19 10:11:24

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted on the thread, and confirm that sadly the OP has now died.

We're aware that this thread was started on a namechange, which suggests the OP perhaps didn't want it to be associated with her other posting names. For that reason, we're going to close the thread to new comments just so she isn't accidentally outed.

mcjx Wed 10-Apr-19 01:24:17

RIP sad how heartbreaking 💔

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Tue 09-Apr-19 23:27:58

My heart goes out to Budgie’s family. thanks

Eliza9919 Tue 09-Apr-19 22:51:55

flowers

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Tue 09-Apr-19 22:42:39

purpleunicorns please don’t feel bad, I did exactly the same before I realised. She was special to you <3

purpleunicorns Tue 09-Apr-19 16:56:08

Sorry blush

AnyaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 09-Apr-19 16:41:26

Hi there all,

We'd just nipping in to remind you all that OP mentioned before her passing that she doesn't want to be outed from this thread - a gentle reminder for those of you who recognise OP from her other threads.

flowers

purpleunicorns Tue 09-Apr-19 12:15:44

Budgie sadly has passed [redacted] here's the remembrance thread if you would like to leave your condolences. We're hoping her family get to read it at some point and it brings them some comfort to see what a difference she made to so many people

*Identifying information edtited by MNHQ*

tessiegirl Tue 09-Apr-19 08:29:37

As others do, I recognise her as another username.

tessiegirl Tue 09-Apr-19 08:28:22

Yes actually white.
This lady has sadly passed. We wouldn't say RIP otherwise.

Mustbetimeforachange Mon 08-Apr-19 23:25:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitesoxx Mon 08-Apr-19 23:19:08

I know she hasn't been back but is there actually an update saying she has passed? If not then please stop with the RIP stuff.

CaptainJaneway62 Mon 08-Apr-19 23:11:02

Rest in Peace Budgie flowers

Newmumma83 Mon 08-Apr-19 22:19:39

rest I peace

Newmumma83 Mon 08-Apr-19 21:58:35

I am so sorry that your life is going to be cut short.

It is a tough one , because you clearly love your mum and it sounds like these relatives will make life difficult for her if you don’t see them ... that being said they don’t want to be there as you are in the final
Stages do they ? Strikes me as very odd... you really should do what gives you the most peace of mind.

AhhhHereItGoes Mon 08-Apr-19 21:54:07

Just seen update - terribly sad to hear of budgies passing for all who knew her.

AhhhHereItGoes Mon 08-Apr-19 21:53:06

Often (unless obviously really close or live far overseas) people want to visit their dying relatives to prove they 'did enough'. They also like to appear charitable, supportive and understanding - when it's clear the people who are already doing this and don't feel the need to boast of their kindness.

Focus on the time you have left with the people who do make you feel happy - not those who act pious but are deep down self indulgent and narcissistic.

tessiegirl Mon 08-Apr-19 21:44:03

Budgie has sadly passed flowers

Glitterblue Mon 08-Apr-19 21:33:02

I came back to check and saw budgie hadn't been back for a few weeks so I think she must have passed. RIP budgie.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Mon 08-Apr-19 09:22:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchtower Mon 08-Apr-19 08:29:26

Sorry, what a horrible position you are in. Sometimes when people are faced with these situations they realise what they’ve missed out on and want to say their goodbyes to make amends.

BUT it is totally your choice. Only you know what these people are really like and if you think they will bring you stress then say no, you are not up for it.

Queenofthestress Mon 08-Apr-19 08:06:01

Fucking hell, you know when you hope for a 'surprise I got better message' and there isnt one sad

Brilliantidiot Sun 07-Apr-19 20:08:05

flowers

BayandBlonde Sun 07-Apr-19 20:02:58

Thank you @Absolute

Absolutepowercorrupts Sun 07-Apr-19 19:40:57

Message deleted by MNHQ as it contains identifying information.

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