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To decline deathbed visitors?

(369 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Budgieonaglass Sun 10-Mar-19 20:34:47

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

magicstar1 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:43:25

I’m sorry to hear about your illness too.
I think you should use your remaining time to be with who you want, and not waste it keeping anyone happy. They’ll have to deal with their own consciences in the future.

pallisers Sun 10-Mar-19 20:44:09

Sorry you are facing this.

You should only see those people you want to

you should only do those things you want to

Your mother should say "oh how kind of you but Budgie is too weak to see you"

No decent person would insist in this situation.

warriorprincessandwidowed Sun 10-Mar-19 20:44:34

My husband didn't have this for the exact same reason. Never regretted it he was asked more than once. His choice I fully supported. He had his inner circle as he called it. That's all that mattered to him. No fakeness. The fake came with the funeral ( All 5 of them) of a turn out of over 200. He said he didn't give a shit if they attended that he would be dead.

I fully understand your stance and say fuck it and fuck them...

I write this with tears as mine is recent and raw but I really truly hope peace finds you and you see beauty at the end xx

JaneEyre07 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:45:11

The only feelings that matter right now are yours.


DramaAlpaca Sun 10-Mar-19 20:45:15

I think it is entirely up to you who you have to visit, and your wishes should absolutely be respected.

Spend your time with those you love & who love you.

Much love to you flowers

mindutopia Sun 10-Mar-19 20:46:37

Your life, your choice, you do what you want.

I think it says a tremendous amount about you that you’re even worrying about this now (and probably a lot about them that they’ve put you in the situation to worry about it). You do what feels right for you. You only get one life to do you.

CoachBombay Sun 10-Mar-19 20:46:59

I am very sorry to hear of your health OP, my thoughts are with you. I can completely see why you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, you don't like them, but you want to make life easy for you mum.

I will however tell you a story about my dear grandfather, a strong man, a WW2 prisoner of war, perhaps it will bring a smile or two.

I'll always remember my great grandfather on his death bed, we were kissing him goodbye as we were leaving his bedroom one day, like us grandchildren did, all the time. And then our creepy great uncle (who nobody liked) asked "where's my kiss?" My grandad told him "you can kiss my arse".

He passed away that night, but part of me knows he passed happy that he said what he wanted to say on behalf of us all 😂

Take of it what you will, perhaps you could let them visit and just smile, perhaps you can decline their visit, or perhaps you could speak out of turn but nobody would blame you 😉.

Sending you many peaceful thoughts. 💐

liitlepenguin Sun 10-Mar-19 20:47:24

Fuck them OP.

Merryoldgoat Sun 10-Mar-19 20:47:26

If you can’t be selfish on your deathbed when can you be?

I’m sorry OP - I wish you peace and freedom from any suffering flowers

tessiegirl Sun 10-Mar-19 20:47:31

Don't waste time. Spend time with those who want to be with you, those who genuinely care for you op.
This time is all about you...

Neverender Sun 10-Mar-19 20:47:32

I'm so sad for you but I have had an experience which is the opposite. My friend was diagnosed with liver cancer and refused to see me. It was so sad. I truly think I could have made an impression and helped her son in the future but she completely rejected any visits. I get that she didn't have the energy but I absolutely wanted to promise to help her son. I went to her funeral but am not involved in any way with her son, because she actively chose not to let me.

Neverender Sun 10-Mar-19 20:48:19

Her DH then chose not to have anything to do with me because of her choice. It was awful.

Bythebeach Sun 10-Mar-19 20:48:21

I think you are being generous thinking of your mother but I think if you say it will not bring you comfort, your mother will draw comfort from knowing she did the right thing by you. I can only imagine how you both feel but I feel sure your mother’s primary concern will be your comfort. I hope very much your symptoms are well controlled and you are not physically suffering too much. I am so sorry you are in this position.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 10-Mar-19 20:49:03

I would say no, and I think that while it might be difficult for your mum afterwards, it would also be difficult for her to be at peace with any regret at having 'pushed' you into spending some of this very precious time with people she knows you didn't want to see.

Especially if they are (and it sounds as if they are) the kind of people to make holier-than-thou pronouncements about how they were there in front of her.

Maybe you'll be doing her a favour too by refusing them - it'll certainly shut down any of that nonsense.

Cuddlysnowleopard Sun 10-Mar-19 20:49:21

You choose. Absolutely.

I often work with people who are terminally ill. Family and carers are often very relieved when they can simply do as asked - you say, no, I don't want them to visit, I'm not strong enough. Your family pass on this message, and repeat if necessary. The would be visitors simply can't argue with that. It's not your parent's decision, so they can't argue with them.


EssentialHummus Sun 10-Mar-19 20:49:34

Not unreasonable at all OP.

flowers Wishing you all the best.

Budgieonaglass Sun 10-Mar-19 20:49:40

Would it make a difference to anyone's opinion if I said they were my grandparents?

Sorry, I know we hate drip-feeding, but I wasn't sure if it would affect people's opinions if I conjured up images of doting granny and grandpa (they're not and never have been).

They are elderly, but no dementia or similar, and no recent personality or behaviour change. They've always been this way.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sun 10-Mar-19 20:49:48

I’m sorry you are in this awful situation. flowers

I think YANBU and if they do visit, I’d just pretend to be asleep.

EssentialHummus Sun 10-Mar-19 20:50:37

Would it make a difference to anyone's opinion if I said they were my grandparents?

No, though it may explain why it's harder for your mum to see.

Neverender Sun 10-Mar-19 20:50:40

Just remember that if you push people away now, your Mum won't be able to draw on their help...I'm ashamed to say I'd have anyone visit me in the belief that they cared and would help the people I'd left behind.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Sun 10-Mar-19 20:51:35

I recognise you and you are a lovely person with a lot of patience.

Don’t waste these precious hours making small talk with people who don’t matter to you.

“Budgie was too tired for visitors, I’m so glad you’re so understanding of that” will be easy enough for your mum.

They can tell their church friends how kind they are to your mum at your funeral instead. You’re not here to prop up their image and you shouldn’t be asked to spend your last days doing so.

Budgieonaglass Sun 10-Mar-19 20:51:42

Neverender I'm terribly sorry. That must be really difficult for you. I have no idea why your friend behaved that way. But it sounds like quite a different situation. Perhaps in time your friend's family will get in touch with you flowers

WhiffofSnell Sun 10-Mar-19 20:52:08


If your parents will be getting support from elsewhere after you die, will they actually care if these relatives play silly beggars afterwards? I imagine i would be do sad at losing my beloved daughter, I wouldn't really care to be honest.

flowers to you OP and your parents.

CoffeeRunner Sun 10-Mar-19 20:52:37

If you can’t say “fuck you. I’m spending my time with the people I want to see” in your situation then when can you?

No. YANBU in the slightest. Fill your days with the people & things that make you happy. Now is the time to be selfish.

Cuddlysnowleopard Sun 10-Mar-19 20:52:55

Hmm, still think it's your choice. Do your parents find them supportive?

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