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To decline deathbed visitors?

(369 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Budgieonaglass Sun 10-Mar-19 20:34:47

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

JuniperBeer Sun 10-Mar-19 20:35:52

They are doing it for their own good. Not yours.

Say no to the people that you really don’t want to see. Time is too short. Soendit with those you want to.

hardheadedwoman Sun 10-Mar-19 20:36:46

I’m very sorry to hear about your illness and of course you can refuse to see them or anyone else. At this stage the only thing that matters is your wishes. Good luck

clairedelalune Sun 10-Mar-19 20:37:09

No you are not being unreasonable at all xxx

bridgetreilly Sun 10-Mar-19 20:37:50

I'm so sorry, OP.

Honestly, I don't think there is a right answer in this situation. You don't have to have them visit if you don't want to. But it might be kind for your mother's sake to let them if you could bear it, even if it's just for a couple of minutes.

Either way I would make your decision and have the visit (if that's what you decide) as soon as possible, so you can stop worrying about it and just have the people you really want around you.

sprouts21 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:37:54

No way.

chockaholic72 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:38:36

You're not being unreasonable. My mum was the same - we told them that she was just too ill. Wishing you peace xx

HerRoyalFattyness Sun 10-Mar-19 20:38:50

Yanbu at all flowerscake

HirplesWithHaggis Sun 10-Mar-19 20:39:28

How awkward will they make it for your mum, if you don't let them visit? I can absolutely see why you wouldn't want them, but wonder if fifteen minutes when you're dozy would be tolerable, if it avoids making things even harder for your mum. flowers for you.

TinyBarista Sun 10-Mar-19 20:39:33

I think they are doing it to salve their consciences and not through any real concern or empathy.
It's like grief hijacking. They want people to know they were there
Totally in agreement with JuniperBeer- - it's your time and please do as you wish

MitziK Sun 10-Mar-19 20:39:37

Perfectly reasonable to refuse them. And it wouldn't be unreasonable if they still turn up, to feign sleep for the entire time they're there.

Sorry that you're having to deal with this sort of crap. But it is really your decision, not anybody else's.

yolofish Sun 10-Mar-19 20:39:41

I am so sorry to hear this, for you and your parents. I think, to make things easier all round, you might be very tired when they visit and last about 20 seconds? If it would make it easier/less hassle for your mum in the long term, then perhaps they could visit and you be having a ' bad day'? Again, I am so sorry and I wish you all the very best.

NuffSaidSam Sun 10-Mar-19 20:39:45

I think if it would really help your mum and you could bear it just for a little while I would.

But if you can't bear it or your mum isn't that bothered then don't.

I wouldn't factor them or what they want into the decision really, I'd make the decision solely based on you and your mum.

Orangeday Sun 10-Mar-19 20:40:00

Ywnbu to have or don’t have whoever you like. I’m so sorry to hear about your illness.

Leeds2 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:40:04

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to decline their visits. They want to visit for their sakes, not yours.

Divgirl2 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:40:40

Your death, your rules. I think you should get to choose who you see, personally.

People like to say goodbye I suppose, but if you're not interested don't let them in.

missyB1 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:40:55

Don’t waste precious time on people who don’t deserve it. Enjoy your time with those you love.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 10-Mar-19 20:41:00

You are the priority here.

It's not good for anyone to have to spend time with people who don't care for them. If you've only got a short time left you need to put yourself first and not spend it making other people happy.

lou1221 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:41:12

We have very recently lost a close friend's child, this child, a teenager, was of an age where they could make a decision as to who they would like to visit, and who not to. There decision was respected. Please do what makes you feel at peace and comfortable, life is literally too short to waste on people who don't bring anything of value to your life.
I'm sorry that you are so ill, I wish you a peace and comfort. flowers

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 20:41:58

I'm so sorry for your situation flowers and YANBU at all. If they haven't shown support and love when they could (should) have done, then why entertain a visit just so they feel they have done the right thing. Sod that, and sod them.

MeAgainAgain Sun 10-Mar-19 20:42:43

I am so very sorry.

PP idea is good - say to your mum to say sorry but you are not well enough.

I don't think you should have to see them & the very idea they will make life difficult for your mum in this situation is just horrendous. As if things aren't difficult already.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sun 10-Mar-19 20:42:47

No, no, no. I do see why you want to save your mum from awkwardness but really I don’t think she would want that to be your main concern flowers

lljkk Sun 10-Mar-19 20:42:53

I guess since you're asking AIBU then you need to explain more about what the relatives did that upset you.

How about inviting them to visit when you're drowsy & out of it & then you can snub them to their faces? grin

alwaysncxx Sun 10-Mar-19 20:42:52

So sorry to hear about your illness sad

It's totally up to you and you know how you feel and that you don't want visitors so tell them firmly no, you don't want to see them and you want to rest thanks

You are certainly not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

londonrach Sun 10-Mar-19 20:42:57

Yanbu. You decide who visits op. Your bed, your choice. Xxxx

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