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Asthma, Cat and MIL

(32 Posts)
xmasbamechange Sun 10-Mar-19 19:36:02

Fuck off Daily Mail
Ok so just looking for abit of advise please.
I have had asthma my entire life and now don’t even realise I have it on a day to day basis, the only time I really need to take my inhalers anymore is when I come into contact with one of my allergies or if I have a cough. I have been with DP for 12years and him and everyone I know is aware I have a serious allergy to cats... Last year his mum decided to buy a kitten, now I’m not angry at this in the slightest, she has every right to buy one but it has now made it very difficult to visit her. She lives around 90mins away and we only ever visited maybe 4 times a year, we see her normally every 2 weeks when she comes to us for dinner or lunch. Ever since she bought the cat last May we haven’t gone to her home, we had just had a baby and I was breastfeeding and I couldn’t risk getting ill and needing to go into hospital and put on a nebuliser which has happened to me in the past. Now though if im being honest I just don’t want to, it’s not her, I really do like her but having to do a 3 hour round trip to then spend the rest of my Sunday sitting at home wheezing all night and probably not getting any sleep really doesn’t seem fair to me, especially as she can come to us. DP I think agrees with me because he hasn’t said any different, we barely see each other all week as he works very long hours and I think we both feel like why should we split up on a Sunday so he can go there with or without the children when she can easily drive to us. My reason for coming on here now and asking opinions is bevauS she’s now constantly trying to make up reasons for us going to her and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable because she knows why we haven’t gone, surely she thought about the repercussions of buying an animal I was so allergic to? AIBU?

Cornishmumofone Sun 10-Mar-19 19:38:44

Would it not be possible to drive to where she lives for a day out/pub lunch? Do any other relatives live near to her? If so, maybe you could go to their house and she could come over.

xmasbamechange Sun 10-Mar-19 19:40:43

No, no other relatives live near her.
I would be more than happy to go for a pub lunch BUT meeting up with her to eat lunch won’t be enough for her, she’ll then start with the pressure of going back to hers etc. I say this from experience. She’s on of these people that it is impossible to see for an hour, has to be for an afternoon or something.

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 19:43:08

meeting up with her to eat lunch won’t be enough for

Why not try it?

It's about compromise. She has an animal you're allergic to, so you can't visit her house. So either you meet somewhere else (nice pub) or she visits you.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 10-Mar-19 19:44:14

Of course you're not being unreasonable and it's high time you stand up for yourself. Say, "I'm sorry that we are no longer able to visit your home, but I have severe asthma, which you know about, and I am also severely allergic to acts. You also know this and yet you chose to get a cat last year. You have every right to have the pet of your choice, but the consequence is that I can no longer visit your home."

Do NOT jeopardise your health to appease this woman. I'm very suspicious as to why on earth she would have gotten a cat when she KNOWS how ill they make you.

thewreckofthehesperus Sun 10-Mar-19 19:48:34

I would be honest with her and if she asks you over just say as much as we'd love to visit I'm afraid with my allergies it's just not possible. Explain to her the very real possibility of ending up in hospital and being away from your husband and kids. Of course you're always welcome at ours yadda yadda.

I would do this once and make sure dh was clued in and then if she keeps on let him have a word. She is massively unreasonable if she tries to make you feel guilty over this.

xmasbamechange Sun 10-Mar-19 19:48:38

HarrysOwl We have tried it in the past, just to do something different instead of just sitting in her living room as she has no stair gates and it used to be such a challenge with my older DC, she didn’t seem to understand we were going out INSTEAD of going to her house and the pressure to go back to hers after made me so anxious.

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 19:53:01

Have you had a conversation with her and explained how allergic you are to cats and that's why you can't visit her?

I'm asthmatic and car fur triggers an attack for me, too, so I really sympathise.

Can you ask your DH to explain the situation to her? I really don't think you should risk your health (as you know, asthma is serious and it kills 3 people a day) to keep your MIL happy.

If she's aware of your asthma and knows cat fur triggers it, and STILL wants you to visit, then I wouldn't give a shiny shit what she thought.

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 19:53:39

*cat fur. Car fur is fine.... grin

xmasbamechange Sun 10-Mar-19 19:54:13

See I would love to just be honest but I don’t think it would go down well with DH, he wouldn’t want to upset her and make her feel like she’s done something wrong by buying this cat, I’m also not angry at her in the slightest, she’s very lonely and it’s given her company but surely she has to realise that it would change our ability to go to her home?

xmasbamechange Sun 10-Mar-19 19:58:12

No I’m not compromising my health at all that’s why we haven’t been in nearly a year. DH wouldn’t ask me to do that especially as she is able to come to ours. She 10000% knows how allergic I am, there is no
Question what so ever. She knows for instance that I have a cousin that has an outdoor cat that is hardly ever in their home and I can only go for an hour and a half and even that’s leaves me wheezing so I only do it twice a year. She’s been there and seen it happen. Her cat is very much an indoor one and she has a fully carpeted house, it’s loterally an attack waiting to happen

AnnaMagnani Sun 10-Mar-19 20:00:49

A friend could visit her mum with cats with the aid of anti-histamines and her mum washing the cat in petalcleanse.

However she wasn't as bad as you.

If you are really keen, and your MIL is understanding and not a guilt-tripper, you could try it on the understanding that the first hint of needing an inhaler you are out of there and staying the night is never on the cards at all.

But given that doesn't seem to be your situation, I think it would be a straight no, you can't go there.

Also, your DH needs to get real - he's seen you in hospital FFS. I have asthma and never been as ill as you and my DH would have my back. There are alternatives - visit out of the home, he goes without you, you stay at a hotel, cat goes to cattery when you go.

HermioneWeasley Sun 10-Mar-19 20:04:31

Of course you can’t go. She needs to come to you. She realised the implications when she got a pet you’re allergic to.

As a fellow cat allergy sufferer, people don’t know how bad it can be and how long it takes to recover.

LL83 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:06:25

I think you should speak to her explaining the allergy and you will be wheezing and very uncomfortable afterwards if not in hospital. Also explain you are glad she has the cat and enjoys it and are happy to visit at yours or elsewhere.

It is worse not to as then she may be wondering what she has done to offend? Perhaps she is trying to get you to her house ro reassure herself you dont hate her house/think its dirty/dislike the biscuits she gets. Your reasons shouldn't upset/offend her not saying anything is worse. Perhaps she has forgotten allergy or doesn't understand the seriousness.

Yanbu not to go to her house though.

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 20:10:11

You have to be honest with her. You have to tell her.

If she doesn't know why you're not visiting, she may feel hurt and upset. That's not fair for her, is it?

You can't predict how she may or may not react; don't be anxious. Just be honest, and go from there. She may be able to help find a solution that suits all of you.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 10-Mar-19 20:14:07

I am as allergic to cats like you and I can't visit people with cats. No strong antihistamine or cat washing helps. Despite that I don't blame anyone for getting a cat, people love their pets and need the company.

Be honest with your MIL, so many people just don't believe the impact of allergies. Could you try being proactive and invite her to somewhere she likes near you and make sure you have plans for afterwards that can't be changed so you need to go straight home.

RandomMess Sun 10-Mar-19 20:14:57

I am allergic to cats but do not asthma. First 3 weeks of getting our current cat after a break of a year I wheezed, couldn't lay down etc I thought they would have to go.

YANBU asthma is so serious and no way can you compromise your health just to spend time in MILs home rather than the compromise of meeting out (only) or her coming to you.

Jasmineallenestate Sun 10-Mar-19 20:15:05

You sound lovely. But your h sounds like a wimp. I would speak to her anyway, you clearly are fond of her and the cat issue could cause no end of misunderstandings that are not necessary. flowers

greenelephantscarf Sun 10-Mar-19 20:18:03

to visit a relative with pets I have to drug up (steroids, antihistamines & inhaler) and even then I can stay one hour max.
it's misreable and I only do it once a year.

flumpybear Sun 10-Mar-19 20:18:12

Just say no!! Tell her you're not risking an asthma attack off the back of cat allergy - if she persists in asking just say well it's that or I end up in hospital ...

ChicCroissant Sun 10-Mar-19 20:20:22

I am allergic to cats and some dogs too - there are relatives we can only spend an hour or two in their house because of this (unfortunately antihistamines make me sleep!) and it is a pain tbh.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 10-Mar-19 20:45:47

I have always had cats, and we had a cat while I was a child. My poor mum became allergic to cats at the age of SIXTY, and I am always very concerned when she visits my home. Luckily, she doesn't have asthma like you do, so the threat to her health isn't even as remotely extreme.

When she visits (usually at least a week because of distance), I make sure the guest room is thoroughly cleaned and shut off from the cats for at least 2 weeks prior and for the entire time she visits. It makes me very angry that your MIL is so uncaring of your situation.

Purpleartichoke Sun 10-Mar-19 20:51:54

My mom developed a cat allergy and had asthma. I already had cats at the time. She lived very far away so visits were rare. When she came to visit us she stayed in a hotel and we stayed out of my house as much as possible. She generally would just come in for a quick tour.

So Basically, we respected her illness. I didn’t get rid of my cat, but we still found a way to visit and neither of us took it personally.

consciousparent Fri 03-May-19 12:36:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bumtickler Fri 03-May-19 12:42:00

OP just explain! Tell her you like cats (even if you don`t ;) ), BUT you can`t be around them. Many people are like that with allergies. I love a certain food.....but I suffer if I eat it lol!

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