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AIBU to have mood swings after a termination?

(9 Posts)
lgc1991 Sun 10-Mar-19 17:39:22

I had a medical abortion on Wednesday. It was the right thing to do, it wasn’t the right time and it was something my partner and I would do ‘one day’, just not now. My parter was the first to say an abortion was what he wanted and although I agreed, I wish we’d come to that conclusion by talking options through together rather than him just jumping straight in with it, but I suppose that doesn’t matter as ultimately, it was the right choice for us. I live in a different city to him, but spent a few days with him after the appointment and have just got back home to my city. He had long standing dinner plans Friday and Saturday night and although I felt like I needed him around more than anything, I would've never asked him to cancel so I spent those nights alone, but couldn't help feeling resentful for it, even though I wouldn't ask him not to go.

My mood just switches from being upset, to anger, to guilt, to feeling insecure about myself and our relationship and needing massive amounts of reassurance (I desperately felt like I needed to feel more solid), lashing out at my partner, wanting space, or not wanting to be alone. I'm not normally a crier but I am just breaking down in hysterical tears out of nowhere and over the most trivial thing.

My parter is obviously the one that has been on the receiving end of all of this. The day after the procedure he told me he was leaving me on my own to go out and speak to one of his female friends because I was making him feel like anything he did wasn't good enough and I just broke down, I don't think anything he's ever done has hurt me so much, but then again, I am obviously super sensitive at the moment. I've been lashing out (I feel absolutely horrendous, but one of the things that I've said is that this is his fault and that I feel like he doesn't care'), and we've been fighting about it and he's really, really, angry with me - like can't bear to talk to me angry.

I feel like such a failure and I've spoken to the BPAS counselling team, researched on the internet and all the advice is that, because of the massive changes in hormones, frequent, changing moods & mood swings are a part of the process that you just have to roll with, and that partners need to not take them personally and just be there and be sensitive, but my partner tells me that doesn't make it acceptable and that I can't just expect everything to be ok. I absolutely agree with him, there is no excuse for me making him feel bad, but I don't know how to make something better that is so (scientifically) out of my control. I'm still struggling with the physical after effects of the procedure, but I'm absolutely beside myself worrying and apologising for making him feel so awful and he doesn't even want to speak to me. We're only 4 days since the termination.

Does anyone have any experience with this, is there something wrong with me, or if this is normal, is there a way I can better explain things to him - there aren't really many resources out there for men that explain what to expect when their partner has an abortion, or the reactions they might have and ultimately how to deal with it.

LovingLola Sun 10-Mar-19 17:44:17

He’s a bastard. Complete and utter bastard.

outpinked Sun 10-Mar-19 17:51:30

He sounds like an insensitive prick. He absolutely should have cancelled dinner to sit with his partner who is upset following a termination. He shouldn’t be making you feel bad for being emotional. Some women are largely unaffected by abortions but for others it can be hugely distressing. Either way, he should be more supportive than he currently is. He sounds like a total dick.

outpinked Sun 10-Mar-19 17:52:07

Oh and I wouldn’t be considering a future involving children with this man either. Find someone who is worthwhile.

Loopytiles Sun 10-Mar-19 17:53:33

Sorry you went through that.

He wouldn’t cancel dinner, and discussed your relationship situation with a female friend?!

The relationship isn’t “solid”, and he’s an arse.

Cornettoninja Sun 10-Mar-19 17:59:35

There doesn’t need to be specially targeted information for men, all the information available is clear and easily applied by anyone needing to offer support.

You are feeling normal for where you are, I’m sorry you’re finding it tough but don’t make it harder for yourself by giving this more headspace than it deserves. He is being crap, completely and utterly crap. That’s the only conclusion you need to reach.

If I was being generous I would consider that he’s maybe working through some stuff too but you are the one whose bourne the brunt physically here and you really shouldn’t be in a position where your worrying about someone else.

I think you really do need to consider your relationship. Do you really want to continue with someone who isn’t in your ‘team’ when the shit hits the fan?

Curl up and watch some utterly shite tv. I hope you feel better soon flowers

lgc1991 Sun 10-Mar-19 18:03:47

I understand that he is struggling with it too, and to have me lash out at him is obviously going to make him feel useless and angry with me. I just don't know how to make the situation any better because he just want's space from me.

lgc1991 Sun 10-Mar-19 18:03:52

I understand that he is struggling with it too, and to have me lash out at him is obviously going to make him feel useless and angry with me. I just don't know how to make the situation any better because he just want's space from me.

JohnnyHatesJazz Sun 10-Mar-19 18:04:45

I would imagine it is perfectly normal due to changing hormones.

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