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AIBU to be upset??

(29 Posts)
Catlover93 Sun 10-Mar-19 16:03:53

Hope this won’t be too long but I need some advice as to whether or not I am right to feel upset.

Bit of background: been best friends with someone for 10+ years but have lived a 3 hour drive away from each other for past few years. Managed to keep the friendship going with messages and meeting up every couple of months.

6 months ago I got engaged so we arranged to meet, I assumed to celebrate. However when we met she didn’t mention the engagement, didn’t ask to see the ring or ask how DP proposed etc. Nothing. I was quite hurt but figured I would let it go and have a nice day.

Later in the day she mentioned the wedding and I said we were eloping and therefore only our parents would be present (literally 3 people) but we would have a party for the rest of our family and friends after the honeymoon as neither of us want a big ceremony. She didn’t take this well and we fell out for a couple of weeks as she thought she would be invited.

If we had a big wedding she would have been my maid of honour, it just happens that we are not.

Anyway, she got engaged last month and so we met up. I asked loads about the proposal, got her a gift etc (basically did the opposite of what she did when it was me). The wedding came up and she said she had everything planned already and it would be early next year. However the language she used all day about the wedding made it sound like I might not be invited.

This wouldn’t be an issue as I’m having a small wedding so would understand, except she said she was inviting 50+ people and even mentioned inviting people from work to make up the numbers.

She said the save the dates would be sent in a couple of months so I guess I’ll know for sure if I’m not invited then but ......

AIBU to be hurt that it seems like I’m not going to be invited mainly out of retaliation for my wedding??

Do you think I should ask if I am invited or wait and see if I get an invite?

If im not invited do you think I’m right to feel as though the friendship will take a hit?

Sorry that’s so long, just not sure what to feel!!

LIZS Sun 10-Mar-19 16:08:33

You sound miffed that she did not want to know the details of your plans and proposal. In the nicest possible way that is for you to be excited about not her and was just not her priority on meeting you. The you tell her she is not included anyway! You can't expect it all ways. Whereas you , having been through some of the planning yourself might find her plans interesting. You do not know for definite that you are not invited.

Tomtontom Sun 10-Mar-19 16:08:41

You've chosen not to invite her to yours, therefore you shouldn't expect to be invited to hers.

It's not "retaliation", it's choice, just as you made the choice to invite no one.

OddCat Sun 10-Mar-19 16:12:34

Surely a good friend would be excited for you if you got engaged and would ask to see the ring. Sounds to me as if she was a bit jealous of you.

Maybe this friendship has run it's course.

TidyDancer Sun 10-Mar-19 16:18:57

Hmmm. I can see why you would be hurt if you don't get an invitation but I don't think you have any right to really express this to her. You chose a wedding that didn't include her, she may well do the same. Yes, I guess it's slightly petty if she's doing it solely as retaliation but....🤷🏻‍♀️

In her mind, it may be that she's not a priority for you and therefore why would she treat you as if you are. Even though you clearly aren't specifically excluding her, I can understand why she would be bothered.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 10-Mar-19 16:19:28

we would have a party for the rest of our family and friends after the honeymoon as neither of us want a big ceremony. She didn’t take this well and we fell out for a couple of weeks as she thought she would be invited

Was she invited to the after party, or not ? I presume she was, but was that made clear to her at the time of the conversation?

LipstickHandbagCoffee Sun 10-Mar-19 16:22:01

You both seem equally brittle and a bit touchy.perceived slights and she said,I said
It must be exhausting to read so much into events.
You need to decide whether you want to maintain the friendship

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 10-Mar-19 16:23:08

It sounds like she was jealous at first

I think you're right it would be mean not to invite you. You don't (primarily) invite people to a wedding because you expect an invite back or feel obliged to repay someone for an invite to theirs. Otherwise someone that made it clear they never wanted to get married wouldn't get invited anywhere! You're meant to invite the people you want to spend the day celebrating with. Since you're eloping and it's just family only this isn't a wedding in the traditional sense (as in a big party) - you aren't deliberately excluding her or singling her out at all. However if she is inviting colleagues to make up the numbers and isn't inviting you, solely because you didn't invite her to your family only get together, it clearly isn't the same situation and yes I'd be hurt if I was you and she would be singling you out and deliberately treating you worse than her colleagues etc

TapasForTwo Sun 10-Mar-19 16:25:47

To be fair if someone told me that they had got engaged I would be over the moon for them, but would not be interested in how her fiancé proposed or the ring. I just don't find those things interesting. I would be more likely to ask when they plan to get married etc.

I also, don't get why some couples make such a big deal about "the proposal". One asks the other to marry them, and the other says yes. Job done.

Andylion Sun 10-Mar-19 16:37:15

If my best friend got engaged I would ask lots of questions, if on,y because, I would assume, it was very important to her.

OP, have you had your party yet? It sounds as though you don't know yet if you will be invited. You may yet receive an invitation. If you aren't invited, and she has invited work friends to make up the numbers! I would think the friendship was on its last legs.

Hersheys Sun 10-Mar-19 16:46:22

@TapasForTwo are you bitter that maybe a) no ones ever proposed to you or b) your proposal was utter shit?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sun 10-Mar-19 16:47:35

Some people have strange friendships. Of course you show interest when a friend gets engaged, even if you personally don't care about the details - it's a big deal to them so you feign interest in the wedding etc.
I think this friendship has run its course. If you had a 59+ wedding and didn't invite her, she'd be right to be miffed. But eloping is entirely different. No one is coming bar parents. For her to have a big wedding and exclude you to make some sort of point is petty and childish and spiteful. I'd drop her sorry arse from a great height after that. There's no going back from that.

Catlover93 Sun 10-Mar-19 16:52:26


Yes I told her she would be invited to the party after the honeymoon and even asked her if it would be weird for me to wear a wedding dress to it!! She is fully aware she is invited

Catlover93 Sun 10-Mar-19 16:53:40


No we aren’t due to get married until the end of next year so the party will be then. But she is aware she is invited to that

OneStepSideways Sun 10-Mar-19 16:54:24

I think she was hurt that you didn't want her present for your elopement wedding. Was she invited to the party you're planning to have when you get back?

I had an elopement wedding with just a handful of guests, no family present from either side but we had our closest friends witness the ceremony.

FullOfJellyBeans Sun 10-Mar-19 16:56:36

There's no way that you a compares elopement toa wedding. YANBU tone upset love Mrs XxXxXxX

nocoolnamesleft Sun 10-Mar-19 16:57:19

I suspect she'll give you an evening invite. To keep parity. You've hurt her feelings, and she's reassessed the friendship in the light of that.

TapasForTwo Sun 10-Mar-19 16:58:57

Not at all @Hersheys

I was just trying to put another point of view across. I have been happily married a long time.

Nellieelephant Sun 10-Mar-19 17:05:10

Maybe not being invited to your wedding has made her realise she was viewing your friendship differently to the way you were?

Maybe your friendship meant so much to her if the tables were turned she would’ve made sure you were invited no matter how small the wedding. Maybe she then reflected on the rest of your friendship history and decided she wasn’t going to get the type of friendship she wants from you so has distanced herself.

Maybe she views close friendships differently to you and expects certain things from a friendship that you don’t, which is fine it’s ok for her to feel that way.

Some people have very high expectations from friendships, although I would class my best friend as family and would have invited her even had my wedding been so small it was only me, DH and our respective (living) parents.

I think you both have different ideas of what constitutes a ‘close/best friend’ friendship so it’s better you maybe distance yourselves.

PurpleDaisies Sun 10-Mar-19 17:06:12

I’m with tapas. I’d obviously say congratulations and be v happy for them, but I’m not really bothered about proposals. That’s a private thing for the couple to me. I’d assume if someone wanted to tell me all about it, they would.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 10-Mar-19 17:29:56

I'm also with tapas, it's a private thing between the couple - or it ought to be.

Your post to tapas, Hersheys, was snide, unnecessarily so.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 10-Mar-19 17:31:52

She sounds a little childish. You might find you are invited, she is just playing mind games.

However, I agree that this friendship has perhaps run its course.

Springwalk Sun 10-Mar-19 17:36:37

I would assume you are invited until you know otherwise. If you are not this may signal the end of the friendship.

My friend got married overseas and only family were invited, I was happy she was happy. It’s her day.

Springwalk Sun 10-Mar-19 17:39:20

I also find too much talk of engagements, proposals weddings incredibly boring. I wouldn’t expect anyone to sit and rapturously listen especially if they arent invited to the wedding!
So if you are expecting her to be excited I would think again. It’s a big ask given she isn’t included!!

DonnaDarko Sun 10-Mar-19 19:00:12

I also agree with tapas. I'm the least romantic person in the world so I would congratulate someone on their engagement, but I could really care less about the details of their proposal.

I'm not sure you're best friends anymore tbh

sackrifice Sun 10-Mar-19 19:01:38

However when we met she didn’t mention the engagement, didn’t ask to see the ring or ask how DP proposed etc. Nothing. I was quite hurt but figured I would let it go and have a nice day.

I have literally never asked this of anyone.

I am womaning wrong again!

TapasForTwo Sun 10-Mar-19 19:04:00

Blimey, I thought I would be in a minority of one here. I am always interested in my friends and their relationships, but not in the material trappings that go with them.

HarrysOwl Sun 10-Mar-19 19:06:13

I eloped. Must me & DH, no guests!

My friends were totally happy for me & relieved that I didn't expect them to fork out hundreds of pounds for my choice of a wedding abroad.

And there's no way any of them would NOT invite me to their weddings!

We've all got much more going on in our lives to get petty about invites; her behaviour sounds a bit 'off' to me.

marathonwomanintraining Sun 10-Mar-19 19:53:01

OP what makes you think you aren't invited to her wedding? It's really odd (and passive aggressive) for her to discuss her wedding with you in great detail if you're not invited. How sure are you that that was her intention?

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