Worrying things DP/ex said last night

[Orangecookie]

I’m worried about some of the things exDP said in an argument last night. It was about how to separate, he was saying that I should not get full custody and that I should stop playing the victim. He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

He had been shouting at me and I had been crying. He also said that he’s felt so bad about all this that he got mental health problems last year and had to have professional counseling. The implication is that I’ve caused this.

I’m coming on AIBU for traffic and because I posted before and got good advice. We are in a stressful situation, both living in the same house but the relationship has ended.

I’d resigned myself to living with exDP for the next 1.5 years for some big reasons: eldest DS is in final years of school; youngest is in a good special school. Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. He massively procrastinates about any alternative and I do not have the financial power to do this myself. Some pertinent issues:

• ILs despise me, have tried to alienate me from young DS, and are a chorus for the me being controlling and unstable brigade. I’ve distanced myself and DS.
• exDP owns the house and will not move out. I cannot claim benefits for rent. I am a sahm providing DSs care.
• I thought that I’d wait until eldest finished school and then move to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country. Which obviously complicates things. ExDP has accepted that if we break up that’s where I’d go, but I fear he will change his mind.
• Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.

I would like to be able to stay in the house or alternative until eldest finishes school, and then leave with kids to my families. If we live apart but the same town then I don’t want DS alienated from me by ILs. I’ve been upfront with DP about this, however I worry that I’m going to be trapped here and that perhaps exDP is more unstable than I thought, and could staying here together become emotionally unsafe? Yet what are my options? I’m not sure I have any. I am trying to think straight. ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS. I’ve suggested mediation again but I don’t hold out much hope that this is going to massively help.

[MitziK]

Sounds like you need to go now. The eldest will cope or insist upon staying with his father. He's old enough to make that choice.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He thinks you’re controlling and says he’s scared of you because of your behaviour. You think he’s unstable but haven’t said why. You’re not married so he can tell you to leave. If your children are both at school you can look for paid work. You can move abroad but can’t just take the children.

[Order654]

It’s his house ? Why would he leave ..

Your have to leave the house and rent somewhere in the area for your son or your son stays with him.

Then move.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

The thing is, people post from the perspective they are right, they are the maligned party and everything is so unjust - but is this true ?

He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

Are you controlling ?

And this bit - Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. - why the hell should he leave his house ?

Your older DS will not move, even when he has finished school, why would he , this is this home, his friendship base, his social life

And this bit ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS - you can try of course but as you have no where to take them, they are settled at school, you'll find yourself on the rough end of a judge if you do …. this bit …. he was saying that I should not get full custody - you wont, it starts at 50/50.

You have a choice to move out - But the kids are old enough to make up their own minds and your moving would be detrimental to the youngest.

[Dvg]

Sorry but i think you need to leave, he is allowing you to stay right now so he cant be too bad...

Its his house so he doesn't need to leave, your Child obviously doesn't want to leave so either stay and just be happy he isn't making you homeless or leave on your own

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Would he help you set yourself up in a rented place? Would your family? You say your ds is in a special school. Does your ds need specialist care, which would prevent you from working? I assume not seeing as your ExDP is saying 50/50. Is there anything else stopping you from getting a job?

[NoCauseRebel]

It’s his house, therefore you need to be the one to move.

He says that he’s scared to come home at night and is walking on eggshells.

You think that you should get full residency and be allowed to stay in a house which you have no ownership of while the person who actually owns the house should move out?

You sound controlling and abusive tbh.

[adaline]

Why do you think you have the right to stay in his house? You're not married so you have no rights.

[Orangecookie]

I have no money to leave. Or job. Youngest has only morning school and I provide most of what he needs therapeutically each afternoon. I cannot just go and rent somewhere, that’s the point.

[AutumnCrow]

OP, I'd post in Relationships tbh. AIBU is a bear pit.

[adaline]

I cannot just go and rent somewhere, that’s the point.

That's irrelevant in law. If he wanted you out, you'd have no choice but to leave. He's being very generous allowing you to stay in his home.

[NoCauseRebel]

Also, I think to often women come on here and claim that their partner accused them of x and y in the hopes that people will respond “he’s the abusive one. If you were the woman whose partner were demanding you move out of a house you owned so he could stay there people would be telling you to pack his bags and change the locks, which given the ownership and relationship status would be perfectly legal. So essentially I would advise your DP to do the same in the same circs, the fact he hasn’t shows that he’s clearly a better person than that and is actually considering his children.

[Orangecookie]

I gave up a full time job to look after our child, and my own house. I think all you posters have only served to make me think my worst fears are true, that being labelled controlling just makes it so. I am in fact the one who has no control and pretty vulnerable.

[AutumnCrow]

If the OP 'just leaves', who's looking after the children?

[NoCauseRebel]

OP, I'd post in Relationships tbh. AIBU is a bear pit. I don’t give responses based on which board these things are posted on. To suggest that relationships is somewhere where the OP should be pandered to is ridiculous.

[Orangecookie]

He's being very generous allowing you to stay in his home.

I could chuck DS into daycare and give up all therapies, which I do, and work and get myself a house. That is an option. But I’d rather give DS the best start.

[adaline]

OP, I'd post in Relationships tbh. AIBU is a bear pit.

People are telling the truth. This is one of the real pitfalls of becoming a SAHP without the protection of marriage. If OP was married she could stay in the marital home, but she's not. Her ex could change the locks tomorrow and, well, that would be that. She has no right to stay there.

[adaline]

I could chuck DS into daycare and give up all therapies, which I do, and work and get myself a house. That is an option. But I’d rather give DS the best start.

Of course you would. But you need to think practically. What are you going to do if he doesn't want you living there anymore? Where are you going to go?

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

You haven't answered - is he afraid to come home? is your behaviour causing his mental health issues ?

This forum is pretty blunt at the best of times. TBH you sound lucky he hasn't kicked you out, because your OP does sound as if you are abusive.

[MadCatEnthusiast]

He was saying that I should not get full custody
Well you wouldn't get full custody by default unless there were concerns about the other parent. It starts at 50/50 but other posters may know more.

Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.
He's 15-16 maybe even 17-18? He's old enough to decide, surely especially as it's only months until exams. If you do go to court with all this, they'll listen to what he has to say anyway.

youngest is in a good special school
Are special schools available to him where your parents are? They can be hard to get in depending on where it is and their criteria, of course as we don't know your youngest. Do they have long left in school?

[krankykittykat]

Why can't you work whilst your youngest is at school? You could do that and put in a benefits claim which would help with rent etc. Has your youngest got a disability? You'd get extra if he did so it's not like youd be penniless.

[Merryoldgoat]

Why is he saying you’re controlling? What’s his ‘reasoning’?

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

I think all you posters have only served to make me think my worst fears are true, that being labelled controlling just makes it so. I am in fact the one who has no control and pretty vulnerable.

Why is he frightened of you ? why is he walking on egg shells ?

[Tractortod]

OP..pack up..drive to your family and present as homeless.

You need to move away.

[outpinked]

I am sorry for your situation but this is precisely why women need to either get married, enter a civil partnership or at least be on the mortgage/tenancy agreement.

You have put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position quitting your full time job whilst living unmarried in your DP’s home. Nobody else chose to do this, you naively and impractically figured the relationship wouldn’t break down and haven’t put anything in place now it has happened.

Your eldest DC is old enough to decide where to live and may choose your DPs house due to schooling. I’m unsure why you can’t rent or claim benefits? You would be a single Mother with a disabled child so definitely could get benefits...