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is my daughter in danger?

(99 Posts)
allworkandnopay Sun 10-Mar-19 12:43:25

My 23 year old daughter has just taken up an au pair job for twin girls in Australia. The family have been very nice, the mum and I have had messaged conversations etc. Before my daughter travelled to the country the mum gave her the details of the previous au pair so my daughter could make contact and check out all the details etc. As my daughter landed in Australia a message came through from the previous au pair that the husband had tried it on with her and from what she can make out he did it with the au pair before her. My daughter has just told me and said she will be very careful not to be alone with him etc.
I have made the mistake of telling my husband...of course he wants to contact this man/ book our daughter a flight home/rage against the world.
Of course I realise she is an adult, a really sensible girl who never creates drama and has a great instinct with people, so Im trying to be calm and encourage her to see how it goes for a couple of weeks.
My husband is cross with me. He thinks my daughter should show the mum the message she has received, he thinks anything less is shielding this man who we owe nothing to. I do see his point but Im really conflicted over this?? But what if I do nothing and she is 'hit' on by this man or worse?
I have asked her to contact the previous nanny to ask for more details etc

teatimez Sun 10-Mar-19 12:46:51

Well I agree with your husband.

Are you crazy?

Why take the risk?

Ofcourse your daughter can't guarantee that she will never be left alone with the husband.

Get her to look for another role in Australia.

mangolover Sun 10-Mar-19 12:47:20

I also agree with your husband

Thehop Sun 10-Mar-19 12:49:22

I’m with your husband

TwoRoundabouts Sun 10-Mar-19 12:49:46

Agree with your husband. The wife will likely chuck her out to save her marriage.

Either way your daughter has to move on.

Also if the job was via an agency they need to be informed of the husband's behaviour.

Iooselipssinkships Sun 10-Mar-19 12:50:10

It's just too risky. She should turn down the job and explain to the Mum why, prerably from afar or not anywhere near the Dad.

Iooselipssinkships Sun 10-Mar-19 12:50:50

preferably* fucks sake

Rachie1973 Sun 10-Mar-19 12:51:51

I think your daughter is 23 and I agree with you OP. You can’t just demand she does as she’s told!

There may be a history with the previous au pair, no one really knows.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sun 10-Mar-19 12:57:41

How do you know the previous au pair is telling the truth? Maybe it was the other way around or maybe she has sour grapes for another reason? Good for her to have her wits about her and if he makes any even vaguely inappropriate comments etc she should tell the wife, the agency and move on, but I wouldn't quit a job I've travelled around the world for, based on the word of a stranger

Ithinkmycatisevil Sun 10-Mar-19 12:57:45

You can't really say if she's in danger without knowing the man. He could just be trying his luck, but will take no for an answer and it won't go any further. Still not nice, but not a danger. Or he could be a lot worse, you just don't know.

Your dd is a sensible adult though, sensible enough o do her best not to be alone with him. I'd let her see how it goes and if any situation does arise, tell the wife and get the hell out of there.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Sun 10-Mar-19 13:08:17

I agree with Rachie. Your dd is 23.. she sounds more than capable of sorting this out herself, and making the right decision based on what she learns for herself, not the words of a complete stranger

runoutofnamechanges Sun 10-Mar-19 13:12:05

What does the previous au pair mean by "trying it on"? Sexual harassment or sexual assault?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 10-Mar-19 13:14:42

She’s 23 years old. She has to make her own mind up where this man is concerned imo.

AnneOfCleanTables Sun 10-Mar-19 13:15:03

Why does the wife think the previous au pair left? I'm guessing if the wife thought it was connected to her husband she wouldn't have suggested your DD contact her.
If the post is through an agency, then I'd encourage your DD to contact them and see if they can shed any light.

Purplecatshopaholic Sun 10-Mar-19 13:17:22

Get her out of there! Jeezo, why is it even a question

OddCat Sun 10-Mar-19 13:18:17

I agree, it could be sour grapes from the previous au pair but then again if she was dismissed why would the mother have passed her details on.

Sorry not much help.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 10-Mar-19 13:18:41

Get her out of there? How? She’s an adult ffs. Her parents have no control whatsoever whether she stays or not.

ScienceItUsedToBeAThing Sun 10-Mar-19 13:21:41

I know at least two people who have had this before. Living with someone and drawing your wage from them (so relying on them for everything basically) is inherently risky. Some men will use this situation to their advantage I think your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions but I would be very clear as her mother that she owes this family NOTHING

GabsAlot Sun 10-Mar-19 13:22:52

shes an adult and noone has any idea if this au pair is telling the truth or not

of course she should be on her guard as anyone would but unless he tries anything its hearsay

PinkHeart5914 Sun 10-Mar-19 13:29:36

Danger is not the right word here, the husband may or may not make advances but even if does your daughter is an adult with her own mind so will only shag him if she wants too.

You also have no idea if the old au pair is telling the truth, it’s just someone saying something that does not make it 100% gods honest truth.

She goes to her job and sees how she gets on 🤷🏻‍♀️ She’s 23 an adult not a child and can form her own opinion on people and decide where she wants to work

NotTheFordType Sun 10-Mar-19 13:30:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ScienceItUsedToBeAThing Sun 10-Mar-19 13:33:06


What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Is it supposed to be funny,

GiveMeSteam Sun 10-Mar-19 13:36:45

Why are so many people saying that the previous au pair might not be telling the truth? confused

What on Earth would someone have to gain by making that up?

What about the other things she said? Might they be made up too? What’s the point in speaking to her at all if you can’t believe anything she says? confused

allworkandnopay Sun 10-Mar-19 13:37:56

Wow, I'm new to mumsnet but I'm thanking you all for your prompt views.
Yes she is an adult, she's been travelling on her own before , been to uni etc but I know she would listen to me if I felt strongly about it.
I agree that at the moment it's one girls word and the mother has no clue this has gone in because she encouraged us to contact her. My daughter has messaged her to ask for more details and we will make a decision based on the seriousness of what he did.
Unfortunately it was not sourced through an agency, it was Facebook group for au pairs in this particular city so no support there.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 10-Mar-19 13:38:04


I think she needs to contact the previous au pair back and see exactly what happened and if that's why she left. If the guy wouldn't leave her alone, didn't take her first 'no' for an answer, was pressuring her, 'accidentally' walking in on her in the shower or something and she was scared of him, then absolutely she needs to try and find another role instead and you can support her in this by sending her money helping her find a suitable place to stay in the mean time etc.

If he made a suggestion to the au pair and she turned it down and it was never mentioned again then that's a different story. Yes it still isn't great as au pairs are meant to be treated as part of the family and if not, it's generally wrong to try it on with someone who works for you (moral issues of him being married aside) but it might be OK to work for them for a while, while she finds someone else.

She is 23 not 17 and hopefully she will be able to deal with this

I wouldn't tell the wife, it is a bit harsh to break up someone else's marriage on the basis of a text from someone you've never met

I'd tell her to trust her instincts, I'd transfer some cash to her incase she needs to find somewhere else to stay at short notice and advise her to be firm and clear if he does try it on. And to just walk out if he makes her feel unsafe or uncomfortable and you will support her. She should be out of the house and have another job before telling the wife (if it came to that)

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