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Too fucked up for words!

(31 Posts)
dumplingPie Sun 10-Mar-19 09:07:10

When I was a child I was a victim of sexual abuse. I'm also no contact with my parents
This I believe has given me a life of low self esteem and no confidence in myself.
My current boyfriend of 9 months is a recovering drug addict (always relapsing)

Some of the shit he's done to me in this time is insane. He lied about his job (he doesn't work and hasn't done in a very long time)

He sold my iPad.
He told me he got me a gift (gig tickets) but the day of the gig he was ill. Long story short he never actually got the gig tickets.

He made out he was a way for work in a different country. When I asked for photos of the studio, he went to our local music shop and took photos from there. He never actually left!
There is so much he's done I could be here all day writing about it.

I just feel so low. Sometimes I hate myself.

I've never had a normal, loving and kind relationship.
I'm not a stupid person honestly. I just seem to put up with this behaviour. Thinking I deserve no better.

TheABC Sun 10-Mar-19 09:09:59

I would leave this man and ask your GP to refer you to counselling. I would also recommend the online freedom programme as that will help you void another abuser.

[Flowers] for you, OP. You do deserve better.

Treaclesweet Sun 10-Mar-19 09:10:32

So sorry to hear all this dumpling flowers

Your boyfriend sounds horrible and I hope you are able to end things with him.
Have you had any counselling or help dealing with the aftermath of the abuse?

Ruru8thestars Sun 10-Mar-19 09:10:55

Moving on from this relationship would be a good start to rebuilding your self esteem. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time.

WatchingFromTheSidelines Sun 10-Mar-19 09:12:15

flowers You DO deserve better and recognising that your boyfriend is an utter shit is a good first step.
Telling him you are ending it will be a good second step.
It is far, far better to not be in a relationship than to be in a dysfunctional one like this. He stole from you? Get him out.

Merryoldgoat Sun 10-Mar-19 09:14:30

Well. You DO deserve better.

You need help and fast, before this shit of a man destroys you.

Have you any friends you can confide in? You need to leave him ASAP.

SavoyCabbage Sun 10-Mar-19 09:14:36

Of course you deserve better than someone who is lying to you. You absolutely do.

The good news is you’ve only wasted nine months on him, which is nothing at all. And you’ve not married him or had any children with him so you are free as a bird.

dumplingPie Sun 10-Mar-19 09:20:21

I've never had any help for what happened but I know I need it. And I've told myself I'll look into it.
Sorry there is so much stuff that's happened in such a short time. And don't mean to drip feed but I'm nine weeks pregnant. I am booked in to start medical management tomorrow though as I know I can't continue this pregnancy.

Motherofcreek Sun 10-Mar-19 09:27:11

Dumpling you need to kick him out. Get rid.

Then work on yourself love. I tried therapy for what happened to me when I was little but it was too painful so I read every book I could that involved recovery for child sexual abuse and self esteem.

Your body and soul has been bashed about so much you need to recover.

I’m going to PM you

Merryoldgoat Sun 10-Mar-19 09:33:06


You really are going through the mill, aren’t you?

I think the termination is the right course of action, but use it as a wake up call - you know you can’t comtinue living like this, in pain and making bad relationship choices.

Be kind to yourself, dump the loser and make a start with The Freedom Program online. Start recovery from the termination and seek help from your GP.

Make a plan. You can do it!!

Twerking9til5 Sun 10-Mar-19 09:35:40

OK: well done for not letting the pregnancy drag you further into loss of control over your life.

Keep going!

He is not a ‘recovering’ addict, he is an addict who lies and thieves to suppprt his habit. Thieves from the very person he should most support.

He is an addict and will not, can not, ever prioritise you. He will destroy you.

I am so sorry to hear you were abused. You are right to recognise that you need and deserve help.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

But also ask your GP about counselling, (though I understand disclosing the reason may be impossibly hard) so maybe seek some advice from specialist support groups first? Other posters will be more informed but Women’s Aid or Rape Crisis might be a start.

Or you could try out what it feels to tell someone by anonymously calling The Samaritans?

You do deserve better. I wish you your life back. You will get it, and you do deserve it.

Deal with the pg, leave this man, cut all contact, and don’t start another relationship until you have the support and self confidence to believe in and recognise the love and respect that you deserve.

Sending loads of flowers

dumplingPie Sun 10-Mar-19 10:10:53

A few months ago he told me he had a seizure. So I went over. Took him loads of things, food, soup, juice. We were meant to go out that night on a date and he was paying. He admitted a while later that he never did have a seizure.

Why do I even put up with this shit? Something is very wrong with me.
In other aspects of my life I have my shit together. I went to uni and got a career.
I learnt to drive two years ago, I have a beautiful home. I'm not a stupid person. I know what I'm doing but for some reason it's a cycle I can not break.

All you're kindness means so much though. I'm currently on the mobile app but will check inbox tonight whilst I get a second
Thank you everyone

noego Sun 10-Mar-19 10:44:28


Places you can get help......

Women's Aid
Samaritans for emotional support
Private therapy if you can afford it. The BACP has list of counsellors, therapists in your area.
Mindfulness meditation classes. (good ones) Try local Buddhist centre or Taoist centre or reputable teacher.

Oh and dump this guy pronto. Go NC. WA will help you achieve that.

HTH's. Good luck.

dumplingPie Sun 10-Mar-19 10:49:56

I'm going to look in to all the advice after the medical management. Thanks anyone.
I know I need help.

During our third date he spent the entire time chatting up another women (he did not know her)

He's honestly vain, arrogant, and a cunt basically.
I am a fool!

BlueSuffragette Sun 10-Mar-19 10:53:30

Dump him. Get some professional support to help you deal with your past abuse. This will also maybe help you see why you accept being treated so badly now. You deserve so much better. Best of luck. flowers

Nellieelephant Sun 10-Mar-19 10:53:31

The thing is all the time you are in this relationship you’re never going to find a loving, respectful relationship are you?

Unless you take that leap of faith and start afresh it’ll never get better will it?

Some therapy for yourself would be really good, you need help to start building your self worth because honestly you are worth so more than this.

noego Sun 10-Mar-19 10:57:15

And one day she woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with her or against her. She realised who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will.
She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace.

Twerking9til5 Sun 10-Mar-19 11:06:17

Dumpling, abuse does that.

Bad attention is better than no attention.
Only someone really bad could have such horrible things happen to them.
Being a child is such a vulnerable position that it is better to believe that what your parents are doing is right than that you are wholly dependent on people who are bad.

These are the mind tricks that some children are forced to play on themselves to get through. At the time it is a survival mechanism, of sorts.

But it leaves long deep scars.

None of this is your fault . It is not your fault.

You have done and are doing brilliantly showing yourself that you can build a life for yourself. Looking at the emotional structure of a healthy relationship from the landscape of abuse is hard and painful work.

But it sounds as if it is a journey that you are ready to begin.

Twerking9til5 Sun 10-Mar-19 11:10:06

The thing is, you are NOT ‘too fucked for words ‘.

The man will fuck you up if you stay in contact, and he is fucking up his own life.

But you are aware, you have a good life, good prospects, and looking for
help us a huge sign of strength.

PocketDelia Sun 10-Mar-19 11:26:24

You need therapy.

You have two choices: 1. don't have therapy, continue in this cycle (whether with this man or the next one) and remain unhealthy and miserable.
2. Get some therapy ASAP. Educate yourself and understand the link between your past trauma and your learned behaviours. Read about co-dependency. Put yourself first. Leave this man. Get some boundaries. Learn to love yourself first and foremost. If you can't love yourself you will not be in a position to love a child properly and be a healthy example to them. If you don't have self esteem or value for your self you won't teach your child how to love and value their self because you don't have the tools.

None of this is your fault. It IS, however, your responsibility as an adult to take the action needed to recover and achieve the happiness you deserve as a human being.

LiftedHigh Sun 10-Mar-19 13:26:12

He needs to be dumped before you waste any more time with him. Or become even the slightest bit more invested.
Being single is better

MyHomeworkAteMyDog Sun 10-Mar-19 13:38:13

Hey Dumpling! It’s taken me until my 40’s to realise that I’m not a fuck up and actually can be a semi normal person. My parents abused me too. Their relationship was terrible. I’ve never been in a good relationship and thought violence was just a normal part of relationships as that was all I’d ever seen. I now realise it’s not. Don’t put up with this prick! With the right help you have every much as chance as everyone else to be happy! This is not normal. What your parents did to you is completely unforgivable and NC is the kindest thing you can do to yourself to anyone who’s hurt you. I don’t know you but I can guarantee you are one of the strongest people ever as only the strongest make it through the trauma you’ve experienced. I really hope you can find that strength and fight for your own happiness! Don’t be me and realise once your old! Sending you love and strength. flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 10-Mar-19 13:46:35


Sorry this has happened to you. None of this was your fault. You already sound like you've made a success of a lot of areas of your life. And this one area you still have to work on, you are already half way there as you sound self aware. You know you have low self esteem, you know it is caused by issues in your past, and you know he treats you like shit and you don't want to continue like this. That's half the battle honestly. You see a lot of posts on here with people getting walked all over and saying 'he loves me and he's a lovely guy really other than [whatever abusive behaviour] as they just can't see it. You know you don't deserve this.

I hope you manage to get the help you need to get him and people like him out of your life for good. If you dump him he may love bomb you for a while and it might make you feel like changing your mind but just remember it's an act

Jekyllandhydesmother Sun 10-Mar-19 14:24:08

0808 2000 247

This is the national domestic abuse helpline. What he's doing isn't right. Even if he's not hitting you it can still be abuse. Please give this line a call and they can give you info on how to protect yourself and also local support.

There are also specific Rape and sexual abuse counselling helplines/local counseling if you google RASAC and your area you should get some links.

You deserve better. You know you deserve better. He needs to go. As soon as you can really believe you are worth it, it'll get so much easier to get rid smile

Lambzig Sun 10-Mar-19 14:28:30

OP you deserve better. Please don’t waste any more of your time on him.

Just to let you know, RapeCrisis provide (usually free) counselling for survivors of child sexual abuse. It is usually longer term than the GP can offer. They can also give you practical advice too if you need it.

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