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AIBU thinking about ex new GF and kids

(17 Posts)
Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 05:56:39

Ok so I know I'm being unreasonable, but just want some advice.
Me and my EXP split nearly a year ago, it was amicable on some level, but I'm still not fully over it.
Anyway he's met someone who has now become his GF. He told me last week that he wanted to introduce our 2 DC to her on Sunday. They've only been together 2 months, so I did express how soon this was, but he said the way he feels about her, he knows it's right.
My thinking of this is that 2 months, it's likely that you're still in that honeymoon stage, where if you waited around 6 months, you might have a better idea if it feels right (my opinion).
Anyway, I'm still finding it hard to move on, it's getting easier, but still hard and I'm hoping once I start Uni in Jan, I'll start to feel more like my old self.
But!! my main worry is that when we were together we didn't have much money so we never took the kids abroad. He now has a much better job, however, I dread to think of the day that he says he wants to take them abroad with his GF too. I would miss seeing their excitement over the first time going on a plane, to the actual holiday.
I know this might not happen, but it's hard not to think of stuff like that sad.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? How did you feel? Was it as bad as you thought? smile

wendz86 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:34:24

My ex introduced kids to his new gf after a few months of being together . Unfortunately not much you can do if he chooses to do that after 2 months even though I totally understand where you are coming from.

Anyway my ex has been with his gf nearly 4 years and they are getting married this summer. They have taken kids on holiday and it is hard. The thought of someone else getting to enjoy special times with your kids . I always try and think that it’s goid they get on so well and are happy and well looked after with them both. The sharing is hard but does get easier .

Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:01:55

wendz86 thank you for replying, I can imagine how hard that must have been for you.
I think because he's moved on, I feel stuck in a way, and I know I could end up finding someone and doing all of these things, but I can't see that yet.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Sat 09-Mar-19 07:05:53

You just need to move on, and the feelings you have are yours own to deal with. I hope he does take the kids on holiday, and they get to experience holidays with their dad.

He can introduce anyone into the children’s lives, you cannot dictate that he cannot.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones Sat 09-Mar-19 07:14:32

Oh op it's difficult what you feel is totally normal. I do think once you start uni things will get easier for you and it'll be really good for you to focus on yourself. I'd try and spend as much energy as you can thinking of things you want to do for you. Keep yourself busy when the kids are with their dad. As for the hypothetical holiday I think things like that can become a bit of a focus when really it's motsp important. I have little memory of my first trip abroad. My best holiday when I was little was camping in a weird amp site in Devon. You're making memories with your kids everyday and that's what's important.

MediocrePenguin Sat 09-Mar-19 07:20:37

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend what a helpful and sensitive reply to someone going through a difficult time hmm

OP it's hard I get it, you are not being unreasonable to struggle to deal with it. Unfortunately you just have to try and trust him to make decisions he feels is right. Try not to worry too much about the future either no one knows how it'll all turn out x

LL83 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:29:28

Sounds hard, and it will get easier as this becomes normal.

Holidays are probably a long way off, and if gf has no children they are likely to want couples holidays at first and only take the children if they can afford a 2nd holiday so more likely to be weekend or caravan.

If the relationship lasts and gf treats them as family in time you will prefer it to a gf who isn't interested at all.

Also being on a plane with children is generally not much different to being on a train for hours with them. Trying to keep them quiet and entertained as best you can. Its stressful more than anything.

Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:43:16

His GF has 2 DC. I always remember thinking of things that were going to happen, like I dreaded the day he was going to tell me he had a girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I'd worked it up to be, also when he said he was going to introduce the DC, the thought of that before hand made me feel sick, but again I didn't feel as bad as I had anticipated.

I know the kids would love holidays, and I'd never stop them from going out of spite. It's just the thought of missing out seeing them excited for the plane, the destination, etc. And maybe as some of you have said, it might not even happen.

Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:51:49

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend I don't think you've read my post properly, as I haven't mentioned, that I would dictate to them going, it was just thinking about missing out on the first plane journey etc. But I'd never stop them from experiencing these things.

Whatsername7 Sat 09-Mar-19 08:07:49

You sound like you have a really good handle on your feelings. You are self aware and that is really important because you are making rational, measured decisions. It must be great for your kids to have parents who are amicable. The one thing I would say, is even with an amazing job, a holiday abroad for 6 will still be very expensive. Its unlikely to be this year either if they havent booked.

Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 08:20:46

Whatsername7 thank you. I was with him 15 years, since high school, so he's the only person I've ever been with. I haven't even been on a date since we split, for many reasons.

When we split we were still having sex every now and then, which I admit I basically said he was using me as my feelings were stronger for him, but I know I was absolutely BU as it takes 2.
Just over 2 months ago, he mentioned getting back together on a 'trial' but he was 50/50 with his feelings and he was also speaking to this girl too. In the end he said I brought the possibility of a trial up too much and he wished he never mentioned it and that he didn't want to get back together, so I felt right back at square one.
Things are much easier now I don't see him as much, but I feel if he split from this person he would be right back here, as it happened last year, but I know I need to be in a strong position to say no, as even though life's shit at the mo, I'm free to to make my own decisions, haven't got anyone calling me nasty names like 'fat slag' and 'c**t' so I always think, why would I want to get in that situation again

slipperywhensparticus Sat 09-Mar-19 08:24:19

Take them in a plane to Ireland you get the first plane trip and Ireland is fantastic

CrazyAllAroundMe Sat 09-Mar-19 08:43:51

Oh op I just read your update sad what a nasty piece of work he is. That's not normal or OK in any context. He's an abuser. You deserve much better and it will come in time and when you're ready. Please if his relationship does or does not work out do not have sex with him again; he's using you. Your confidence has taken a severe 15yr battering. Uni hopefully will open up a whole new world for you and build your confidence at the same time give yourself time to grow and become your own person. Sending hugs.

With regards original OP totally understandable feelings that many Mums (and Dad's who I assume feel awful at another man moving in with their child) go through. Things there will get easier it will just take time. Although if he insults her the way he does you I'm hoping she kicks him into touch fast!

Layza101 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:26:23

CrazyAllAroundMe thank you for your kind words, don't worry I haven't for over a month now and it doesn't really bother me that much anymore.
It's so hard when you break up as you only ever think of the good times you had and the things you're gonna miss, and the bad stuff is always pushed aside. But I started thinking about the bad times more, which makes it a hell of a lot easier.

TwoShades1 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:42:45

I will agree it’s a bit soon to be introducing her to the kids as his GF. I didn’t mean my step kids til around 6 months and I was initially introduced as a friend and didn’t see them often. It was close to 12 months before I was officially introduced as a girlfriend and we started doing most things together. In regards to the holiday in sorry but your being unreasonable. DP and me earn more money than his ex and her partner (they also have more children). So we have taken the children on nice holidays on a plane. Their mum can’t afford this so tends to drive places for weekends away as that suits their budget. I don’t see why me and DP shouldn’t take the kids on holidays that involve plane flights? We are entitled to have a nice time with them too and there is not much we can do about the discrepancy in family income/size!

StepCatsmother Sat 09-Mar-19 12:05:13

The issue of "firsts' is so tough, and one of the harder things about not having your kids "full time".

First plane ride was a biggie for my OH and his ex too, so I get where you are coming from. It must be so tough as a parent to miss things you didn't think you'd miss when you had them.

I don't like the suggestion above that you take them on a flight just to get that in ahead of your ex. It feels spiteful. Just do what is best for the kids and what will be will be.

We have OH's kids about 40% of the time so it's sad but we'll miss some of their firsts. But we have them enough that his ex misses some too. We all just muddle through & make sure the kids get chance to be excited & tell their other parent about things. The fact they are happy is most important.

Its hard OP, but it will be ok.

outpinked Sat 09-Mar-19 12:11:04

My exH moved in with his new GF a month after we separated. She has two DC of her own and the youngest’s dad had literally moved out a few days before my exh moved in hmm, very Jeremy Kyle. She isn’t a very nice woman and her DC aren’t great either. As a result exH has all but lost his relationship with our DC to protect his relationship with her, pathetic. I don’t say any of this through jealousy or whatever, she shouts and swears for very little reason and has even hit my DC before. Our DC don’t have a bed there and are expected to sleep on the floor as if it’s the 19th century. Also only have a two bedroom house so her two DC and my three DC are expected to share which isn’t appropriate the older they get.

Anyway my overall point is that you sadly can’t prevent him introducing anyone to your DC however seriously thank your lucky stars if she is a nice woman who tries hard with your DC. All you can ask is that they feel happy and secure. Don’t fret about the holidays abroad and such, it’s great sure but kids actually care more about feeling loved and safe.

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