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To ask DP why he's done this?

(31 Posts)
cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:01:01

DP fell asleep with his phone on the bed instead of putting it on charge.

I never usually do this/haven't done it in a long long time, but I looked through his phone.

On fb messenger app in the search bar a girl came up who he used to see every now and then (think FWB type). This was complicated as his DM was best friends with her mother and they grew up together, but nobody knows that they've slept together on numerous occasions except me.

Then on Instagram he'd searched for another a girl, one he knew back in primary school.

I know i might just be overreacting but do I ask him about this? Feeling very hormonal due to pregnancy and paranoid sadsad

Hanab Sat 09-Mar-19 02:04:54

If you can’t look past it and it’s going to eat at you, you should ask him about it. Do take note that he may nit take kindly to you ‘ snooping’ and you may not like his response to your question.

scissorlover Sat 09-Mar-19 02:06:54

I wouldn’t mention it. I think snooping through his phone is a bit worse than searching a girl’s name on Instagram.

cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:07:42

@Hanab I was going to just let it slide but I am curious as to why he would search for them.

He used to check my phone a lot in the early days but he doesn't know and I haven't checked his for months. Now I wish I hadn't.

cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:09:22

@scissorlover I know, I would never usually do it but I was curious.

A few months back I did the same thing and found out he was a few thousand pounds worth in payday loans debt that he was trying to keep quiet. It was a good job that came out in the open, goodness knows what would have happened if it didn't

UnexpectedButExpected Sat 09-Mar-19 02:13:50

Oh God OP! I search exes/old friends from school/fwb/bosses I hated etc all the time if I can’t sleep and am taking a trip down memory lane.

Doesn’t mean a thing.

cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:15:21

@UnexpectedButExpected hmm. Just he knows that the FWB caused a lot of issues between us in the past so I don't know why he'd do it.

I'm thinking he's probably spoken to her if she's on the search bar on Facebook messenger rather than just the Facebook app.

ValeurNutritive Sat 09-Mar-19 02:19:07

No, it means he searched for her recently (or at least, more recently than he searched for anyone else). I look up ex partners or old friends from time to time too. I don't think it's a big deal.

cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:26:04

@ValeurNutritive just feel annoyed at him because he knows how I feel about her. Ugh.. sad

SparkiePolastri Sat 09-Mar-19 02:38:13

Meant kindly OP, but this is why you don't snoop. And it's why you respect people's privacy.

There's a high chance you won't like what you find, and to make it worse, there's no way to ask for clarification / reassurance, without divulging that you snooped.

I'd hate it if DH snooped on my phone. If he did, he might not like what he saw. I look up people from my past from time to time. Don't we all? It doesn't necessarily mean anything. It might. But it might not. For example, I have zero intention of doing anything other than staying happily married to DH.

Likewise, I'm sure if I surreptitiously looked on DH's phone I'd find some things that might look odd with no explanation, or make me feel worried. So I don't look. He's entitled to his privacy, as I am mine.

They say that an eavesdropper never hears good things about themselves. Likewise, a snooper is unlikely to come away feeling better for having snooped.

I'm not for one minute suggesting you ignore your gut instinct, if you feel something is up.

But that's bigger than this. Either you trust your partner or you don't. And it sounds like you don't. That's your issue.

I hope you're OK. Snooping and finding huge loans, and then finding yourself pregnant to someone it doesn't sound as if you can rely on will naturally augment any hormone-related unease or paranoia. 💐

cmjwx Sat 09-Mar-19 02:42:17

@SparkiePolastri thank you, I wish I'd never looked now sadsad

PurpleFlower1983 Sat 09-Mar-19 03:06:14

It sounds like your trust issues are bigger than him searching for his exes OP but as others have said, it likely doesn’t mean anything if he is otherwise faithful. Lots of people nosey at what their exes are up to from time to time.

Justagirlwholovesaboy Sat 09-Mar-19 03:14:43

Honestly op I think the two of you need to discuss trust issues “He used to check my phone a lot in the early days but he doesn't know and I haven't checked his for months. Now I wish I hadn't.”. You say this like it’s ok or normal

I would never let anyone check my phone, nothing to hide but why would they need to?

Then you say you haven’t checked his for months, that’s not very long and you are now checking it again

This isn’t sounding the best foundation for a relationship unless you sort this out now

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Sat 09-Mar-19 04:36:24

You don’t trust him, else you would never have checked his phone and wouldn’t be feeling like you are now.

With no trust, your relationship is dead in the water regardless of whether he’s shagging away or merely curious.

It is unacceptable to invade your partners privacy and look through their phone; there is never a reason to do it. Everyone is allowed their private life.

RebootYourEngine Sat 09-Mar-19 04:49:03

If anyone was to check my seach fb history they would think im sleeping with anyone and everyone. If i am having a conversation with someone and happen to mention a person and whoever i am with says they cant recall that person i will look them up on fb just to show that person a photo. Doesnt mean i am in touch with that person or i want to be.

Myfoolishboatisleaning Sat 09-Mar-19 04:58:02

How pregnant are you?
Tbh I would be far more concerned with the loans. I presume they are all cleared now?

AuntMarch Sat 09-Mar-19 05:01:40

I just had a look on my own messenger. The "recent searches" really aren't that recent!! So it doesn't mean anything

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius Sat 09-Mar-19 05:06:04

He does sound dodgy OP. The money thing is not good. If you had to snoop to find out about the debt that would be scaring the living shit out of me.
Do nothing but be aware of these types of issues is my advice.

Fabaunt Sat 09-Mar-19 05:13:11

I always think that the person snooping and checking their partners phone is probably quite emotionally abusive in the relationship.

lizzzyyliveson Sat 09-Mar-19 05:51:51

The state of these responses. What has happened to women recently? You are pregnant and he is looking for other women. You need to think about yourself and your child now. If he is not committed to you, it would be better to find out now while you have time to get things sorted out rather than once the baby is here. Have the difficult conversation and find out where you really stand.

rumptifizzer Sat 09-Mar-19 05:53:14

Not unreasonable no. I do it all the time. Doesn't meant anything except I'm curious and nosey!

shazzielgh1 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:12:41

DD had her first period in August 2018 followed by 4 regular periods then one that lasted 2 weeks. It's been nearly 3 months now. She is 13 years old. Just wondering if anyone else had experienced this.
Definelty not pregnant!!

Petalflowers Sat 09-Mar-19 06:18:38

I’ve also searched for friends from the past. Means nothing on its own. Maybe something recently just sparked a curiosity with the past.

As a one-off, I shouldn’t worry.

liamhemsworthsrealwife Sat 09-Mar-19 06:24:29

That is a massive stretch Fabaunt.

HopeIsNotAStrategy Sat 09-Mar-19 06:53:52

Frankly you have much bigger issues to worry about.

Why on earth are you having a child with someone that you obviously don’t/can’t trust, and who thinks having thousands of pounds of payday loans is a good idea? Unless you’ve actually managed to pay them off, which I somehow doubt, he has probably amassed a debt the size of a small country’s by now.

Is the debt paid off? What is the situation with it? Do you understand the interest rates on these things?

This is important and you need to start applying some better judgment, fast, in all areas of your life. Nothing suggests he is a keeper.

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