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To think he might be cheating?

(221 Posts)
loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 00:12:31

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 12-Mar-19 16:18:32

@loveactuallyisallaround honestly think it's been easier not having him here. I've been able to just concentrate on myself and baby

Honestly, my love. He's a selfish pig and you will be much better off without him. He won't help when baby arrives; he'll just be on his Playstation, complaining about the baby crying too loudly.

PLEASE LEAVE HIM BEFORE BABY ARRIVES.

Could you move into your Mum's? The atmosphere in your house sounds absolutely toxic. I don't think he's cheating but he's definitely checked out of the relationship.

Get out now. You deserve much better and so does your baby. Glad you are both OK.

loveactuallyisallaround Thu 14-Mar-19 00:01:02

Really struggling tonight, my anxiety is through the roof. Not even sure what's set me off to be honest. Can't switch off, can't sleep, can't think straight.

Just want to scream at him and get some answers but I know I'll never get them. How do you get over that? How do you move on with no closure? I know I'll do it, but when and how?!

I want to know why he's changed and I want to know if there is someone else. And I want to know why he hasn't been honest with me, it's a lie about me being at my most vulnerable. He knows I'd be better off financially without him and he knows I'm capable of bringing up my child without him (as I have a lovely support system). So why's he stuck around?? Coz it suited him??? That's just so degrading to think.

Honestly it's taking everything I've got not to stomp back home, wake him up and ask why he's treated me this way! I won't do it because I know I need to calm down for my child's sake and that it would be a massive waste of my time - and id feel like a fool tomorrow - but my god, the frustration!!!!

tokirara Thu 14-Mar-19 01:54:03

This is no way to be living, certainly not at 36 weeks pregnant.

Right now, you don't need answers from him or to understand his reasons (even if you wish to know).

What you absolutely need, and also for the sake of your child, is to. Walk. Away. from the relationship. It sounds horrific and I feel so much despair for you - no man is worth you martyring yourself like this under constant anxiety and emotional abuse.

Motoko Thu 14-Mar-19 02:52:58

The reason he's stuck around, is that you do all the cooking and housework, and pay for most of the bills. Why would he willingly walk away from that?

There is a cycle of abuse. It often starts with pregnancy, once they feel they've got you trapped. That's why he was all for having a baby.

But if you leave, they try several tactics to get you back, and under their control. Gaslighting, love bombing, promises to change, etc. Then if those don't work, they call you mental, say they'll take you to court for custody because you're an unfit mother, tell you no-one else will want you, etc. Anything to hopefully frighten you into going back to them.

IT'S ALL LIES! DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS!

You can do this. You deserve to be happy, and you will, once you've got over him. And you will find a loving, caring man, even when you have a child.

Get your mum to be your birth partner, she will love it. I had my mum when I had my first (I'd left an abusive partner) and she said it was so special seeing her first grandchild being born, and I was so glad she was there with me.

Good luck.

Listenkid Thu 14-Mar-19 21:58:44

Thinking of you ok, I hope your ok flowers

loveactuallyisallaround Thu 14-Mar-19 23:01:33

Really struggling with pains again tonight, feels like trapped wind but nothing is happening. Could this be the beginning does anyone know? Or do you think I just have trapped wind 😩

timeisnotaline Thu 14-Mar-19 23:20:49

Most likely trapped wind but you never know. Look for increased intensity/ misery, and regular waves. For me it was dull cramping for the first few hours, nothing sharp like trapped wind.
Both mine were over a week late and I only went into labour naturally with the second so with each I spent a solid month thinking this is it with muscle cramps/ tightenings etc , it must be it, there’s nothing else it could possibly be... but when I finally did go into labour it was quite different to all those more muscle /pain type feelings. I’m trying to be reassuring that it’s normal to not have a clue, and ok to call the midwives and ask if you need grin

Plumplump Fri 15-Mar-19 09:27:03

How are you this morning op thanks

lola006 Fri 15-Mar-19 10:28:50

OP, when you say you want to stomp back home does that mean you’re at your mums? Does he know you’re there? Is he concerned at all about why you aren’t at home?

You know you need to leave. You know you’ll be better off. Start the process now, before baby is born. Ask your mum for support. Ask friends for help moving your belongings out, do not start packing up your things alone with him.

losingfaith Fri 15-Mar-19 23:21:45

Hi Op, but of a late reply, but "trapped wind" and gripey tummy is exactly how I was when I went into early labour... hope you're ok.

SausageAndEgg Fri 15-Mar-19 23:32:08

Just remember that before you give birth your brain is EVERYWHERE and you can imagine things that aren’t exactly accurate to how they actually are. I’m just saying this because every time I’m pregnant I’m absolutely bloody sure he’s cheating on me for a whole host of reasons and mumsnet are always here to tell me I should leave him etc.
The reality is he’s wonderful but when I’m hormonal I make him out to be a proper nob.

In my option: Relax. Block him out for now. Think about yourself and your impending little bundle of love! Everything else can wait X

Susannach Sat 16-Mar-19 06:28:31

SausageAndEgg WTF?! Are you seriously telling the OP that her “hormones” are the issue here, rather than her abusive dick of a husband? Way to put all the blame, guilt and self-doubt back on to the (heavily pregnant, confused and devastated) victim in this situation, rather than assigning any responsibility to the perpetrator here.

OP: This “hormones” argument is exactly the sort of bullshit your H is likely to try and pull in you after the baby’s here and you’re feeling even more vulnerable. Fuck that. Your hormones aren’t making him ignore, belittle and verbally abuse you. This is not your fault.

As for the pains, quite honestly it sounds like it could be the beginning, especially as they’re recurrent and seem to kick in at night (my first labour was very like this — slow start overnight for several nights), but the only way to really tell is to wait and see. Could you contact your midwife or delivery unit and explain your symptoms and situation, for some reassurance?

Hope you’re OK and your mum is looking after you flowers

nevergreene Sat 16-Mar-19 06:49:16

Hi OP. Your H's behaviour reminds me of my abusive ex when I was pregnant/had babies to look after. Totally disconnected, would never touch or speak to the bump, would never lift a finger to help me, or generally be a caring partner to the mother of this children. Moody and evasive if confronted with why he's acting a certain way. It's brought some horrible memories back because I stayed a long time. But I wanted to say to you well done for acting on this NOW and not just putting up with being miserable and treated with such utter disregard. You don't deserve this. He's a dick. Let him sit and game for hours in silence like a teenager. He's a waste of space. All the best to you and your baby thanks

ShesABelter Sat 16-Mar-19 06:49:36

Honestly, if you can, move in with your mum for the short term and het the fuck out there.

He's going to make the first precious weeks of your babies life a miserable time. You will have no support and feel shit. I moved to my dad's for my first child's birth due to the relationship being shit and can remember the first six weeks happily. My dad was an amazing, supportive help. I wouldn't of got that from him. When I was ready I moved back out. She was about 3/4 months.

SenoritaViva Sat 16-Mar-19 07:15:45

Poor you OP. I know it seems scary and horrendous now but going alone is SO much easier than going ahead with a total dickhead.
Good luck OP. X

6demandingchildren Sat 16-Mar-19 07:58:25

Please don't waste any more time on him, if he is like this now what is he going to be like with a baby around? And when your daughter is a toddler will she be able to play or make a noise?

rainbowstardrops Sat 16-Mar-19 08:37:23

Bloody hell, you poor thing!
What an utter bastard you have there angry
I know it's way easier said than done and I don't normally suggest this on here but I really do think you need to leave the bastard.

He's showing you his true colours and they are ugly as hell.

I certainly wouldn't be able to look at him the same way if he was my partner.

Utterly vile.

I really hope you're ok though thanks

Jekyllandhydesmother Sun 17-Mar-19 16:28:58

How are you feeling OP? Any more pains?

loveactuallyisallaround Sun 17-Mar-19 17:59:27

I'm okay thank you, yesterday I was convinced it was happening but things have stopped today so no idea really!

I've taken the first step to Singleton life today and taken myself to the cinema alone for the first time ever. Although I guess I have my little one with me in a way so not totally alone! I'm feeling shitty about everything but I'm proud of myself for even getting ready and coming here.

Nomorepies Sun 17-Mar-19 20:30:44

OP I’m so sorry this is happening. What you described happened exactly the same way to me. Literally exactly. It was awful, I’ve never felt so confused and upset in my life. I wanted to leave, I didn’t know what to do. I tried to get help but no one could Really explain what was behind it all.

Sadly I’ve learned some men really change during pregnancy, and abuse is common. I think it’s something to do with not coming first for once. But it’s not your fault-
Please remember that.

IME- my partner changed after the birth, he loved our child and once he realised everything was ok, he went back to normal. I think it was an extreme over reaction to worry about change/the birth/being a parent. No excuse but I’ve learned to live with it and move on. It wasn’t easy and I think it’s scarred our relationship. But I’m still here and trying and hoping it never happens again.

I really hope for you that things change on the birth of your child. If they don’t- get rid of him. You can do better and you and your baby will be better off without him. 💐

CanuckBC Mon 18-Mar-19 20:52:05

@loveactuallyisallaround How are you today? Have you told him it’s over or are you just staying at your moms right now?

I hope you and baby are wellsmile

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