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To think he might be cheating?

(221 Posts)
loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 00:12:31

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:36:24

The problem is, that depressed people often don’t see they are treating others badly. I agree it’s unacceptable to treat your partner badly, and a partner should not be expected to endure abuse. It’s just that, if this is the reason for his behaviour, there is probably a solution, assuming he is willing to work on himself.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 11:38:45

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm just so completely baffled. We had MIL here this morning and my top came up a little when I sat down and she said "woah you've got some mega stretch marks there" (on bump) And I have to be fair, although they hadn't bothered me to be honest, they're not that bad and they're part of growing my baby so I felt ok about it, but that comment did actually hurt my feelings, particularly because she said it in front of DH who's face just seemed to be screwed up like it was gross. Again, it made me feel hideous, which is insane because I'm not even bothered about my stretch marks!!

This just isn't me at all, I'm not the most confident of women by any means but I've always just got on with things, a bad hair day, meh more important things to worry about. But now I literally want to look perfect because I feel so insecure, and that's extremely hard for a heavily pregnant woman who wants to be surgically attached to her jammies.

I have tried to speak to him so many times and I've done this really calmly and checked if I've done anything wrong and gone about it in so many different ways and he's just not interested in listening or speaking at all. He just tells me I'm paranoid or ridiculous.

I have bought everything for baby and I saved money for mat leave so he didn't need to worry about providing so no, I don't think he's stressed about money. And in my opinion he doesn't seem worried about baby. He doesn't want to come to any parenting classes, I read parenting books and tell him interesting things and he moans and says it's boring. It's so frustrating as I get excited learning new things and he makes it seem like I'm talking about taxes!

Again, I'm not suggesting he read every book under the sun, I know were two different people with different interests but it's our child and I don't think hearing me out when I'm excited about something is mad effort?

Personally, and this might make me sound crazy, I worry that he's talking to/seeing someone else and that's why he won't sleep with me or kiss me or anything. It feels like he's distancing himself and when baby comes he is going to leave. Maybe he thinks if he leaves now and something happened he'd be to blame?

It's just that, I'd be extremely heartbroken if he left me, of course I would. But id cope, I have a great family and am so happy to have this baby on the way.... so yeah it would be awful but at least I'd know where I stood rather than this. And I've told him this and he says things like "as if I'd leave you when you're at the most vulnerable state of your life".

But then, maybe once a week, he will send me a random text about how much he loves me and how he couldn't live without me. It's just so, so weird. It's ruined my pregnancy tbh, I've spent so much of it wishing he'd feel her kick or talk about her development or anything like that. And honestly now, I don't even tell him things, I feel like I'm doing it all on my own. I don't even show him the clothes or items I buy anymore for her coz he just isn't interested at all.

outpinked Sat 09-Mar-19 11:44:36

Unfortunately many men change when their partner gets pregnant, however wanted the baby was. I’m not sure what causes it, perhaps it is just as simple as being fearful of becoming a Father, of the lifelong commitment etc.

No excuses for his behaviour, he is treating you like shit at a time when you are vulnerable and need support. I would say LTB but obviously that’s incredibly difficult when you’re due any day. You do need to try and sort this out before the baby is born though, strong conversations need to be had.

Fiveredbricks Sat 09-Mar-19 11:49:17

"He doesn't want to come to any parenting classes" ... Possibly he just doesn't want to be a parent and had hoped it wouldn't actually happen, or maybe he has just realised this, especially if you were struggling to get pregnant.

Some men feel that way when reality hits as suddenly they feel more 'trapped' than maybe they did prior. The resent the woman for it.

Deadringer Sat 09-Mar-19 11:49:24

Whatever his reason for behaving this way he is treating you like shit. I would tell him to start acting like a loving partner again or piss off. And mean it. If you accept this from him there is no reason for him to change. If he is depressed, which I doubt based on what you have said, he needs to do something about it. Whatever happens op, you should not allow him to treat you like this, you deserve better.

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 13:22:24

My letter would say that except for about one kind text a week , everything you do and say tells me you don’t want to be with me and you don’t want our baby. I’m heartbroken and devastated, but I won’t live like this and I won’t let our precious baby ever live with anyone who doesn’t love and cherish them.
I am also deeply hurt that you could agree that we would bring a baby into our lives then check out, when my having a baby leaves me so vulnerable. This seems both selfish and cruel and I can’t continue to ignore it.
You refuse to discuss this with me so here are our options
A: I can stay with my family for a few days while you pack up your things
c
d: I will be very surprised but if you really do want me and your baby we need to see a councillor and you need to see one individually. I won’t stay with your current behaviour, to choose us you need to tell and show me that you will change.

LuaDipa Sat 09-Mar-19 14:20:09

Your update is heartbreaking op, but you don’t have to let this go on. Tell him that It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to leave when you are at your most vulnerable (doesn’t flinch at making you feel disgusting though), but you are not prepared to carry on as you are. That you need to feel loved and nurtured. And that you and your child deserve more than he is willing to give and you will not settle for anything less than that.

You don’t have to live in limbo. You can take back control and decide whether you still actually even want to be with him after the way he has treated you. It’s difficult to believe now, but allow me to tell you again - you will feel better for taking your power back, even if it means you lose him. Think of it this way, could you feel much worse?flowers

AlexaAmbidextra Sat 09-Mar-19 15:37:30

I don’t care what anyone posts, absent an affair, all of the behaviours, even the nastiness, are classic signs of depression.

They’re the classic signs of being a nasty fucker.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 16:14:40

I've asked him if we can go out for dinner tonight (my treat so he shouldn't be able to give any excuses!). Has to be out of the house as here he just won't listen to me or will be on the game before I even open my mouth.

He's said yes but I'm not holding my breath, I'll believe it when we're actually sat at the table!

If we do go, I'm not going to say we need to talk or make a big deal of it, I'm just going to work it into a conversation (somehow!) and hope he takes it on board. If I say we need to talk or I have something I want to say I think he will start to get angry and switch off.

If tonight doesn't happen or it does and he denies anything has changed again I really don't know what I'll do. He's blamed so much on my hormones (which I definitely have!) but other than being a bit more sensitive and emotional I don't think I've changed. My expectations are still the same! I just want to be in a mostly happy relationship with the man I love. I'm not expecting poetry and roses every single day, just conversation and interest which I don't think makes me needy?

He says I depend on him too much as well, which is absurd because financially, I am the one who sorts everything out and pays most of the bills. I do all of the house work and cooking, I've sorted everything for baby, and any slight issue he has, he comes to me. Whereas to be honest I either sort my problems out myself or my poor mum gets the brunt of it bless her (she's fab). I sometimes feel he accuses me of doing things that actually he's doing? Does that make sense?

Thanks again for your replies it's oddly reassuring to know I'm not insane. Fingers crossed for tonight!

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 16:37:18

Honeslty fingers crossed for tonight but you will get much more out of him if you are prepared to suggest taking a break. There is nothing in this relationship at the moment for you, no matter what he says or texts.
You shouldn’t have to be paying for wverything for the baby either, or not planning to use any of his money to fund your mat leave. You don’t actually seem to expect him to want his life changed at all based on this.

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 09-Mar-19 16:38:35

financially, I am the one who sorts everything out and pays most of the bills. I do all of the house work and cooking, I've sorted everything for baby

Why do you think this is a situation you should be in?

PixieBob28 Sat 09-Mar-19 17:10:51

I could have written this myself last year. My hubby was he exact sign 2 months before baby was born and even during my week stay before he was born (high risk like you too) he was distant and it was really hard I didn't think he wanted me or the baby anymore.

Even after our son was born be was useless, honestly thought we were going to break up.

It turnt out he was a mess himself. It took him to reach breaking point for him to admit it was because he was so nervous of what was going to happen and possibly losing me or the baby he got himself in a complete pickle. He was apparently trying to be strong for me and didn't want to bombard me with his feelings but instead he ended up shutting me out and making the situation a million times worse.

I think he had a touch of anxiety and pre/post natal depression too. It took me a long time to accept it affects men too. We carry the babies but he was honestly so scared of losing me he worried himself into a right state.

So yeh don't always think the worse. It might be worth getting someone close to him (dad, brother, best friend) to maybe ask how's he's coping with it all might get you some questions answered. Good luck!

ATBhinchers Sat 09-Mar-19 19:08:52

Jesus Christ get rid of this bloke he is a massive twat!!

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 19:27:18

Got myself all ready. Last minute he says he doesn't want to go. I should have known.

Teaandcrisps Sat 09-Mar-19 19:35:55

Oh noooo - thats disappointing. Any reasons given? Doesn't sound right to me.

MoMandaS Sat 09-Mar-19 19:38:39

Go by yourself and tell him to have packed some stuff and left by the time you get back. Whether it's permanent or not is up to you.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 19:40:23

No, just said that he doesn't want to and that he never does want to go out.

I asked why and he started shouting at me so I have came upstairs and can't help but cry. I was not only looking forward to speaking to him, I was also looking forward to spending some time with him to be honest. Which I understand after everything makes me sound pathetic but I was. I've spent the entire day alone and trying to make myself look nice for this, can't help but be gutted.

My friends called a while before to ask if I wanted to go out with them and I said no because I was going out with him and they were surprised. Now I'm too embarrassed to call them because they'll know that he's let me down yet again. 😞

EKGEMS Sat 09-Mar-19 19:50:18

For fucks sake OP tell him to leave or you leave! You've got to take care of yourself and your baby-go to a friend or a family member and get away from this son of a bitch.

Lantern92 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:51:44

Go out with your friends OP do not hide his behaviour from them you need his support. The more people you have around you telling you you're not crazy the more you will have belief and confidence in yourself. You are worth so much more than this. Please leave him

Boxingmum Sat 09-Mar-19 19:53:34

Call your mate & go out with them! You are an independent strong woman ... now fix your mascara, look amazing & walk out the door.

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:53:36

God op, your mother in law said that to you? He looked disgusted? He's let you down at rhe last moment?

What are you doing sweetie? Why are you flogging this dead horse?

Claref80 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:54:28

Ring your friends back and go out with them. Pack a bag and stay with your friends or mum for a few days. He needs to see the actual consequences of his behaviour, that you won't put up with it, otherwise there's no chance of him changing.

Boxingmum Sat 09-Mar-19 20:00:55

I agree with claref80, pack a bag & stay at your mums or mates.

Don’t put up with his treatment of you, it will only ever get worse.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 20:04:01

He hasn't even came up to see if I'm okay. I know that somehow this will get turned around and he will make out like it's my fault we haven't gone, me and my hormones he will say.

I'm just so fed up and lonely.

I also have been getting pains in the bottom of my bump which feel like period cramps and I'm wondering if it means anything but I don't want to speak to him about it. Anyone got any advice? Is this what the beginning can feel like? I'm not in agony but it's not pleasant, comes and goes but I haven't timed anything.

NeedAMakeover Sat 09-Mar-19 20:05:33

Please call your friends, If you were my friend I’d want to know and try and help.
You’re being treated really badly at the moment.
Is he a partner or a husband?

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