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To think he might be cheating?

(221 Posts)
loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 00:12:31

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

ADHMeeee Sat 09-Mar-19 03:10:52

Ok, something is definitely up. And it needs sorting before baby comes.

Can you write a calm letter, stating facts about how he has changed, the impact its having on you and that you need him to sit down and work through whatever is wrong?

Fabaunt Sat 09-Mar-19 05:16:13

You poor girl, I am sorry. Do you own your house? If not, is there anywhere you could go? Your parents maybe? That sounds so unhealthy and I can’t imagine he’ll be much support when the baby arrives.

ScarletBitch Sat 09-Mar-19 05:21:55

Why do you need to ask OP? Get rid of him

Ozziewozzie Sat 09-Mar-19 05:24:31

It's going to be ok is the first thing I want to say to you.
The suggestion of writing him a letter calmly is a great idea. Try not to put it across in an attacking way though and don't be afraid to listen to him. I'm not saying he will have anything constructive to say but even if he doesn't, you will have your answer.
Please don't undersestimate how strong you are. Do you have support?
I agree that you need to be sorted before baby comes so you know how things are.
Please don't trick yourself into thinking when your baby arrives he'll suddenly drop his toys and run into your arms and be the perfect Dad. It's highly unlikely. Xxx

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sat 09-Mar-19 05:42:19

I agree with PPs that a letter my be a good start, the only tip I can offer is arround assertive communication, try the following;
describe what is happening factually no opinion, it means or is hard to argue with of you go in with opinion straight off the bat the other person stops loathing of they disagree -'we spend less and less time together, we don't even share a bed anymore', then how you feel use I statements so 'i feel scared our relationship is going to end or I feel lonely and like I'm not a priority or I feel we are fixing sissy and it worries me we won't be in a string place to raise the baby. Try to avoid using you eg you spend all night on your game, you take no interest in me or the baby (the likely response you will get to that is defensive, the listener just heard it as you, you, you and at best shuts down, at worst interrupts and argues) all you can do is express how you feel, then say what you want eg 'i would like us to work on our relationship, have dinner together every night/share a bed/talk about what we plan to do when the baby comes etc then talk about how that will be a positive Outcome for all so 'that way I'll feel valued, you will know more about the baby and chatting might help you wind down from work and we'll get our relationship back on track before the baby comes and things get tough/sleepless for a while. The above steps are an assertive communication tool (DESO, describe, express, say what you want, outcome) and whilst won't necessarily get you what you want, are hard to rationally argue with and should at least get your point across without a row escalating.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sat 09-Mar-19 05:43:40

So many typos, sorry it's early!

katykins85 Sat 09-Mar-19 05:51:16

Could he be scared about the baby coming and rather than talk about it he's taking the stress out on you? Is he stressed about money whilst you are off work?

The situation sounds shit OP, I'm sorry you are going through this flowers

SerenaOverjoyed Sat 09-Mar-19 05:59:04

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP flowers

I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you haven't effectively been in a relationship with this man for several months. So much so that whether he's cheating is almost academic. Something prompted him on the sofa, it could be an OW but it could also be virtually anything else. It feels like he is deliberately concealing why? A letter is a really good idea to try and open communication.

I'm sorry to say this but my hunch is that he has plans to leave and wants to delay this until after your DC has arrived. Currently you'd get more from a half decent housemate than what this man is offering. Remember your worth, it will all be ok.

SerenaOverjoyed Sat 09-Mar-19 06:00:58

Ooh, lots of 'sorry to says' there.blush

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:40:44

I'm not sure I'd be writing to him.

Sit him down and talk to him, in a non accusatory way, explain you feel some distance has come into the relationship, a lack of affection, and that it worries you and you don't understand it and you'd like him to help you to.

It could be he is worried as it's a high risk pregnancy and is simply handing it very badly as he doesn't know how to handle it. But sit him down and talk to him.

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:59:50

It sounds to me as if he is depressed. These things are classic signs of depression, particularly avoiding life by gaming.

He needs to deal with it. Living with a depressed partner, as you have discovered, I’d difficult. It will be even more so once your baby is born.

EnglishRose13 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:35:50

One thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is that pregnancy changes some men.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have any family you can stay with? It's only going to get more difficult when the baby is here and you need to prepare yourself for that. He's not going to wake up one day and be "normal" again, and he's probably done too much damage now even if he did.

This is no way to live, you are your baby deserve so much better.

PtahNeith Sat 09-Mar-19 08:29:12

That ain't depression.

The way he is responding to you and flying off the handle at you - combined with the fact this started once you were pregnant - is concerning. I am sorry to read he's left you feeling disgusting; my concern would be the possibility that was deliberate.

See how talking to him goes, but if you get more of the same from him in response then you might want to look at and see what conclusion you reach based on the entire picture you hold.

I hope he listens and is receptive, but if his response is more anger and deflection onto you then this is a bigger problem, and I don't think it's about him cheating on you.

AlexaAmbidextra Sat 09-Mar-19 08:52:10

Oh here we go. Less than a dozen posts in and the poor baby’s ‘depressed’. Like fuck. He’s just a nasty, selfish piece of work who’s showing his true colours.

Pawsandnoses Sat 09-Mar-19 09:12:53

Depressed or not, you need to take the bull by the horns as you can't bring a baby into this mess. If he's unwilling to resolve, then you need to quickly work out your exit, or else you could quite literally be left holding the baby. Babies and children are sensitive to the atmosphere created around them, so you will never have a happy baby if this continues which will just compound the problem.

LuaDipa Sat 09-Mar-19 09:32:34

Hi op, I was a bit reluctant to share this, but I think you might find it useful. My dh was a bit like this when I was expecting my first (planned). He did come to scans and first midwife appt, etc, but I could feel him pulling away. He started going out frequently when it had only been on special occasions previously. He wouldn’t talk about the baby, had no interest in preparing or shopping for anything and just didn’t really want to know. He has always been devoted to me previously so this was completely out of the blue.

I kept this to myself, until he had been out late one night (much later than he said he would be back), and the next day I picked up the top he had worn to wash it, and got a strong whiff of perfume. I asked about it and he gave me some excuse and told me there was nothing going on. I had arranged to see a friend that day and it all came out. She was shocked as she had again always thought that he was devoted to me, but she did me the biggest favour of my life. She made me face up to what was happening. She said that as a pregnant woman, I certainly wasn’t imagining the scent of anything, let alone perfume, asked me why I was putting up with this, why I thought I was better with someone who didn’t care than by myself and why I hadn’t already thrown him out. Her anger on my behalf made me wonder why I wasn’t more angry, and it gave me my fire back. I went home, packed dh a bag, latched the front door and text him to tell him he wasn’t welcome home anymore. After an hour or two banging on the front door and texting me while I ignored him with my headphones on upstairs, he realise that I was serious and left.

I’m not sure what happened but I think this shocked him into realising what he was doing. He was so apologetic and told me he didn’t want to lose me or our dc. I told him exactly how he had made me feel, and that dc and I deserved better and I wasn’t willing to allow this to become my life. After lots of begging and pleading I allowed him home, but told him that if he gave even the slightest indication of returning to his previous behaviour he was gone for good. He knew I was serious and that while I still loved him, I had realised I didn’t need him.

I have never got to the bottom of what was going on then, I’m not really sure that he even knew, but from that day forward he was back to being the loving dh I was used to. He stopped going out, came shopping for the baby and started being concerned for me again as he always had previously. I can’t say if it will be the same for your dh, and we have heard plenty of stories on here of this not being the case, but from the second he saw dc, he was smitten. I could see it in his face, but most importantly in his actions.

We discussed this again before trying for our second, as I wasn’t prepared to go through that again and I could see the shame and sorrow in his face. He was the perfect dh during my second pregnancy, although I must admit I was a bit on edge until dc was born.

I don’t think I will ever forget how he behaved and that he essentially ruined what should have a been a special time for our family, but because he has shown a great deal of remorse and been such a hands-on dad, I have been able to forgive him.

I can’t say if this will be the case for you, but I urge you, as my df did for me, to face up to what is happening. Why are you putting up with this? Why do you think you are better off with someone who doesn’t care than by yourself? Why haven’t you already thrown him out? I promise that whether he decides to change or not, you will feel 100% better for taking control of the situation. I didn’t really want to lose my dh, but I knew that continuing as we were would be detrimental to both myself and dc. That gave me the strength to realise that I could deal with whatever happened but I couldn’t live like this any longer. This isn’t how you imagined things would be but you will cope. flowers

Nathansmommy1 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:35:52

Tbh my mind would be thinking what you're thinking, that he's at the very least messaging someone else or up to something he shouldn't be and that's why he is sleeping on the couch, to get time to do whatever he was doing on his phone when you looked at him and he got so mad... You really need to let him know how you're feeling and that you can't continue to live together with things like this. See if he will open up to you then.

Whydoesshedoitffs Sat 09-Mar-19 09:48:53

LuaDipa is right - face up to it - take control. You don’t NEED him.

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:58:35

I don’t care what anyone posts, absent an affair, all of the behaviours, even the nastiness, are classic signs of depression.

User6949671 Sat 09-Mar-19 10:03:38

My other half was very distant and not interested at all when I was pregnant.
However this was due to him losing a child in a very hard way right at the last minute of the pregnancy in a previous relationship.
He really struggled in trying to bond or talk about anything pregnancy because I think in the back of his mind it was all going to end In disaster.
When baby came along happy and healthy he struggled again to make the transition from couple to family.
15 months on were all good.
Perhaps after the long time it took to conceive and the fact it's high risk as stumped him a little and he's struggling to come to terms with everything and the potential changes in your lives together?
The heart to heart letter is certainly a good starting point!

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sat 09-Mar-19 10:28:59


Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour, you and the baby do not need to put up with this. He is not even treating you with the minimum of respect

Please just be aware that pregnancy is a well known trigger for abuse for a lot of men. Men who were previously kind and caring. It's like they can't handle not being no 1 any more. There was a post similar to yours a few weeks ago from a poster who was sent upstairs when her husband was gaming, he didn't like her going out either. She eventually walked out.

Not allowing you to talk (especially when you've been home by yourself all day) and going 'crazy' at you for looking at him are NOT normal or acceptable behaviours towards any human. It is controlling aggressive and yes, abusive.

Do you think it's going to get better with a screaming baby when you can't work out why it's crying and you've both had a couple of hours sleep? A newborn can tes the strongest and happiest of marriages. I'd be having one last talk with him along the lines of some of the PP here. If it turns out that he has some massive childbirth phobia that's taking over his life then you can work with him. If it turns out (more likely) he is aggressive, tries to gaslight you by saying he's not ignoring you, tries to blame you by saying if you nagged less or were more interesting then he'd want to speak to you more, then you need to leave for the safety of the baby. Immediately. Id have my bags packed or another plan before the talk just incase. Good luck

SerenDippitty Sat 09-Mar-19 10:49:19

It could be that he is depressed and anxious about his impending fatherhood now the reality is almost upon him.

PoptartPoptart Sat 09-Mar-19 11:03:06

@AlexaAmbidextra - that is not helpful.
The op’s husband COULD be suffering from some sort of mental health problem, depression etc.
It’s not an EXCUSE for the way he is behaving but it could be the REASON.
Having said all that, it doesn’t mean it is ok for him to treat the op like this, it’s not ok at all.
Op you need to give it all you’ve got to really communicate with him. Whether that’s by letter or face to face. You need to be crystal clear that it needs to be addressed properly ASAP, or else you will leave. See what he says. He may be open to some therapy or councilling if he realises that you mean business.
I am so sorry you are going through this flowers

Gardai Sat 09-Mar-19 11:09:49

Even if he is anxious or ‘depressed’ about the impending reality of parenting - he has no right to treat the OP in this way. I would be worried if this continues and she has a newborn and him to deal with.
Consider asking him wtf is going on whilst there’s still one of you OP. When you have a tiny baby you will not be in the position to do anything. You will be exhausted and by the sounds of it you will be doing everything baby related by yourself.
If he has checked out of the marriage, so to speak, it’s best knowing now. You will be saving yourself a hellish few years if you sort it out sooner rather than later flowers

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 11:36:24

The problem is, that depressed people often don’t see they are treating others badly. I agree it’s unacceptable to treat your partner badly, and a partner should not be expected to endure abuse. It’s just that, if this is the reason for his behaviour, there is probably a solution, assuming he is willing to work on himself.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 11:38:45

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm just so completely baffled. We had MIL here this morning and my top came up a little when I sat down and she said "woah you've got some mega stretch marks there" (on bump) And I have to be fair, although they hadn't bothered me to be honest, they're not that bad and they're part of growing my baby so I felt ok about it, but that comment did actually hurt my feelings, particularly because she said it in front of DH who's face just seemed to be screwed up like it was gross. Again, it made me feel hideous, which is insane because I'm not even bothered about my stretch marks!!

This just isn't me at all, I'm not the most confident of women by any means but I've always just got on with things, a bad hair day, meh more important things to worry about. But now I literally want to look perfect because I feel so insecure, and that's extremely hard for a heavily pregnant woman who wants to be surgically attached to her jammies.

I have tried to speak to him so many times and I've done this really calmly and checked if I've done anything wrong and gone about it in so many different ways and he's just not interested in listening or speaking at all. He just tells me I'm paranoid or ridiculous.

I have bought everything for baby and I saved money for mat leave so he didn't need to worry about providing so no, I don't think he's stressed about money. And in my opinion he doesn't seem worried about baby. He doesn't want to come to any parenting classes, I read parenting books and tell him interesting things and he moans and says it's boring. It's so frustrating as I get excited learning new things and he makes it seem like I'm talking about taxes!

Again, I'm not suggesting he read every book under the sun, I know were two different people with different interests but it's our child and I don't think hearing me out when I'm excited about something is mad effort?

Personally, and this might make me sound crazy, I worry that he's talking to/seeing someone else and that's why he won't sleep with me or kiss me or anything. It feels like he's distancing himself and when baby comes he is going to leave. Maybe he thinks if he leaves now and something happened he'd be to blame?

It's just that, I'd be extremely heartbroken if he left me, of course I would. But id cope, I have a great family and am so happy to have this baby on the way.... so yeah it would be awful but at least I'd know where I stood rather than this. And I've told him this and he says things like "as if I'd leave you when you're at the most vulnerable state of your life".

But then, maybe once a week, he will send me a random text about how much he loves me and how he couldn't live without me. It's just so, so weird. It's ruined my pregnancy tbh, I've spent so much of it wishing he'd feel her kick or talk about her development or anything like that. And honestly now, I don't even tell him things, I feel like I'm doing it all on my own. I don't even show him the clothes or items I buy anymore for her coz he just isn't interested at all.

outpinked Sat 09-Mar-19 11:44:36

Unfortunately many men change when their partner gets pregnant, however wanted the baby was. I’m not sure what causes it, perhaps it is just as simple as being fearful of becoming a Father, of the lifelong commitment etc.

No excuses for his behaviour, he is treating you like shit at a time when you are vulnerable and need support. I would say LTB but obviously that’s incredibly difficult when you’re due any day. You do need to try and sort this out before the baby is born though, strong conversations need to be had.

Fiveredbricks Sat 09-Mar-19 11:49:17

"He doesn't want to come to any parenting classes" ... Possibly he just doesn't want to be a parent and had hoped it wouldn't actually happen, or maybe he has just realised this, especially if you were struggling to get pregnant.

Some men feel that way when reality hits as suddenly they feel more 'trapped' than maybe they did prior. The resent the woman for it.

Deadringer Sat 09-Mar-19 11:49:24

Whatever his reason for behaving this way he is treating you like shit. I would tell him to start acting like a loving partner again or piss off. And mean it. If you accept this from him there is no reason for him to change. If he is depressed, which I doubt based on what you have said, he needs to do something about it. Whatever happens op, you should not allow him to treat you like this, you deserve better.

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 13:22:24

My letter would say that except for about one kind text a week , everything you do and say tells me you don’t want to be with me and you don’t want our baby. I’m heartbroken and devastated, but I won’t live like this and I won’t let our precious baby ever live with anyone who doesn’t love and cherish them.
I am also deeply hurt that you could agree that we would bring a baby into our lives then check out, when my having a baby leaves me so vulnerable. This seems both selfish and cruel and I can’t continue to ignore it.
You refuse to discuss this with me so here are our options
A: I can stay with my family for a few days while you pack up your things
d: I will be very surprised but if you really do want me and your baby we need to see a councillor and you need to see one individually. I won’t stay with your current behaviour, to choose us you need to tell and show me that you will change.

LuaDipa Sat 09-Mar-19 14:20:09

Your update is heartbreaking op, but you don’t have to let this go on. Tell him that It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to leave when you are at your most vulnerable (doesn’t flinch at making you feel disgusting though), but you are not prepared to carry on as you are. That you need to feel loved and nurtured. And that you and your child deserve more than he is willing to give and you will not settle for anything less than that.

You don’t have to live in limbo. You can take back control and decide whether you still actually even want to be with him after the way he has treated you. It’s difficult to believe now, but allow me to tell you again - you will feel better for taking your power back, even if it means you lose him. Think of it this way, could you feel much worse?flowers

AlexaAmbidextra Sat 09-Mar-19 15:37:30

I don’t care what anyone posts, absent an affair, all of the behaviours, even the nastiness, are classic signs of depression.

They’re the classic signs of being a nasty fucker.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 16:14:40

I've asked him if we can go out for dinner tonight (my treat so he shouldn't be able to give any excuses!). Has to be out of the house as here he just won't listen to me or will be on the game before I even open my mouth.

He's said yes but I'm not holding my breath, I'll believe it when we're actually sat at the table!

If we do go, I'm not going to say we need to talk or make a big deal of it, I'm just going to work it into a conversation (somehow!) and hope he takes it on board. If I say we need to talk or I have something I want to say I think he will start to get angry and switch off.

If tonight doesn't happen or it does and he denies anything has changed again I really don't know what I'll do. He's blamed so much on my hormones (which I definitely have!) but other than being a bit more sensitive and emotional I don't think I've changed. My expectations are still the same! I just want to be in a mostly happy relationship with the man I love. I'm not expecting poetry and roses every single day, just conversation and interest which I don't think makes me needy?

He says I depend on him too much as well, which is absurd because financially, I am the one who sorts everything out and pays most of the bills. I do all of the house work and cooking, I've sorted everything for baby, and any slight issue he has, he comes to me. Whereas to be honest I either sort my problems out myself or my poor mum gets the brunt of it bless her (she's fab). I sometimes feel he accuses me of doing things that actually he's doing? Does that make sense?

Thanks again for your replies it's oddly reassuring to know I'm not insane. Fingers crossed for tonight!

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 16:37:18

Honeslty fingers crossed for tonight but you will get much more out of him if you are prepared to suggest taking a break. There is nothing in this relationship at the moment for you, no matter what he says or texts.
You shouldn’t have to be paying for wverything for the baby either, or not planning to use any of his money to fund your mat leave. You don’t actually seem to expect him to want his life changed at all based on this.

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 09-Mar-19 16:38:35

financially, I am the one who sorts everything out and pays most of the bills. I do all of the house work and cooking, I've sorted everything for baby

Why do you think this is a situation you should be in?

PixieBob28 Sat 09-Mar-19 17:10:51

I could have written this myself last year. My hubby was he exact sign 2 months before baby was born and even during my week stay before he was born (high risk like you too) he was distant and it was really hard I didn't think he wanted me or the baby anymore.

Even after our son was born be was useless, honestly thought we were going to break up.

It turnt out he was a mess himself. It took him to reach breaking point for him to admit it was because he was so nervous of what was going to happen and possibly losing me or the baby he got himself in a complete pickle. He was apparently trying to be strong for me and didn't want to bombard me with his feelings but instead he ended up shutting me out and making the situation a million times worse.

I think he had a touch of anxiety and pre/post natal depression too. It took me a long time to accept it affects men too. We carry the babies but he was honestly so scared of losing me he worried himself into a right state.

So yeh don't always think the worse. It might be worth getting someone close to him (dad, brother, best friend) to maybe ask how's he's coping with it all might get you some questions answered. Good luck!

ATBhinchers Sat 09-Mar-19 19:08:52

Jesus Christ get rid of this bloke he is a massive twat!!

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 19:27:18

Got myself all ready. Last minute he says he doesn't want to go. I should have known.

Teaandcrisps Sat 09-Mar-19 19:35:55

Oh noooo - thats disappointing. Any reasons given? Doesn't sound right to me.

MoMandaS Sat 09-Mar-19 19:38:39

Go by yourself and tell him to have packed some stuff and left by the time you get back. Whether it's permanent or not is up to you.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 19:40:23

No, just said that he doesn't want to and that he never does want to go out.

I asked why and he started shouting at me so I have came upstairs and can't help but cry. I was not only looking forward to speaking to him, I was also looking forward to spending some time with him to be honest. Which I understand after everything makes me sound pathetic but I was. I've spent the entire day alone and trying to make myself look nice for this, can't help but be gutted.

My friends called a while before to ask if I wanted to go out with them and I said no because I was going out with him and they were surprised. Now I'm too embarrassed to call them because they'll know that he's let me down yet again. 😞

EKGEMS Sat 09-Mar-19 19:50:18

For fucks sake OP tell him to leave or you leave! You've got to take care of yourself and your baby-go to a friend or a family member and get away from this son of a bitch.

Lantern92 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:51:44

Go out with your friends OP do not hide his behaviour from them you need his support. The more people you have around you telling you you're not crazy the more you will have belief and confidence in yourself. You are worth so much more than this. Please leave him

Boxingmum Sat 09-Mar-19 19:53:34

Call your mate & go out with them! You are an independent strong woman ... now fix your mascara, look amazing & walk out the door.

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:53:36

God op, your mother in law said that to you? He looked disgusted? He's let you down at rhe last moment?

What are you doing sweetie? Why are you flogging this dead horse?

Claref80 Sat 09-Mar-19 19:54:28

Ring your friends back and go out with them. Pack a bag and stay with your friends or mum for a few days. He needs to see the actual consequences of his behaviour, that you won't put up with it, otherwise there's no chance of him changing.

Boxingmum Sat 09-Mar-19 20:00:55

I agree with claref80, pack a bag & stay at your mums or mates.

Don’t put up with his treatment of you, it will only ever get worse.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 20:04:01

He hasn't even came up to see if I'm okay. I know that somehow this will get turned around and he will make out like it's my fault we haven't gone, me and my hormones he will say.

I'm just so fed up and lonely.

I also have been getting pains in the bottom of my bump which feel like period cramps and I'm wondering if it means anything but I don't want to speak to him about it. Anyone got any advice? Is this what the beginning can feel like? I'm not in agony but it's not pleasant, comes and goes but I haven't timed anything.

NeedAMakeover Sat 09-Mar-19 20:05:33

Please call your friends, If you were my friend I’d want to know and try and help.
You’re being treated really badly at the moment.
Is he a partner or a husband?

Runkle Sat 09-Mar-19 20:08:56

You deserve so much better than this. Get rid and focus on you and your baby. The way he's treated you is unforgiveable for whatever reason (if he has one). It'll only get worse when baby is here.

threeboysandus Sat 09-Mar-19 20:09:45

That's very strange behavior.

How are the pains? What gestation are you?

ENormaSnob Sat 09-Mar-19 20:14:01

You deserve better than this.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 20:14:27

They're not too bad, I'm 36 weeks so I would assume it's braxton hicks but nothing seems to be shifting them 😩 without being gross it feels like I need a number 2, but nothing happens when I try. A mix of that and period pains. But again, nothing unbearable so I don't imagine it's labour.

He will be on his game all night now so I hope it's not labour, would hate to have to interrupt him!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Sat 09-Mar-19 20:15:35

Op. so sorry you have to go through this.
It sounds to me like everytime you try to talk to him he ends up shouting at you. I can imagine that this must be quite frightening for you, especially when you are heavily pregnant. I would be scared too.

Your reactions are completely normal and you are not being paranoid.
This is not right. Whatever his problem he shouldn't be making you scared like this.
You said you had a great supportive family. I think you need to call on them for help right now. I'd actually go and stay with them. You need to feel safe.
If he won't let you discuss this without being aggressive with you, then you need to have a family member ( a sensible one) there with you. I hope you get the help you need now from your family, best of luck.

CouldntThink Sat 09-Mar-19 20:18:57

loveactuallyisallaround you deserve better. He’s not interested. This is not your hormones, how fucking dare he blame your hormones! You need to leave him.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius Sat 09-Mar-19 20:22:12

In your shoes, if I went into labour I would leave the house without telling him and get a friend to take me to hospital. He has so checked out that I would leave now. He is done he just doesn't have enough human decency to say it.
I don't see why you want to stay with him. He brings nothing to your life but utter misery.

sallievp Sat 09-Mar-19 20:23:12

He sounds horrible. You sound lovely. Who rolls their eyes when their pregnant partner kisses them!!!???

icarriedaturnip Sat 09-Mar-19 20:28:39

I would just completely confront him, walk down to him and without saying ‘we need to talk’ just say, I’m unhappy with this, this and this. If he says he doesn’t want to talk tell him that if he won’t discuss this you will leave him. You deserve a lot better than this child.

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 20:33:32

Please call your friends and ask them round to help you. Pack a bag and go stay with your family. You could go into labour any day now and you need support for that! The waste of space you thought you were in a relationship with is not going to support you, please go to your family so someone is there for you.

bugeyedbarber Sat 09-Mar-19 20:53:03

Oh love! This thread is heartbreaking to read. He sounds checked out and borderline abusive with shutting you out at every opportunity.

Whatever is happening with him is irrelevant tonight. Call your friends/family - someone you love and trust and go and stay with them. Tell them what's been happening. You need IRL support.

Take care my lovely. It really isn't on thanks

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Sat 09-Mar-19 20:53:55

What a disgusting individual your partner is.
Make sure you have a hospital bag ready. Have you got any support (family, friends) just in case, as clearly you can't count on him.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Sat 09-Mar-19 21:02:51

So sorry OP. If he is shouting when you try to talk to him, it won't matter what form of words you use.. Please DONT confront him without having someone else there. You are too vulnerable. Also if you can't even discuss your pregnancy concerns with him, he's not the ideal person to help you if you suddenly go into labour. You need to feel safe and cared for and it doesn't sound if you do at the moment. Please ring your family for help. You will get through this.

Tinyteatime Sat 09-Mar-19 21:10:55

Oh op. This sounds like such an unhappy relationship. I feel sorry for you. Expecting your 1st baby should be exciting, you should be making the most of time just the 2 of you. Of course you will both feel nervous and scared of what’s to come but it shouldn’t be like this. I might understand if baby was unplanned but thats not he case. Either he has become deeply depressed, has lost all interest in life and hasn’t opened up to you or he is simply a massive man child arsehole. Often men do change when their partner becomes pregnant, which is why they check for signs of domestic abuse at every pre natal apt. I think If it were me I would wait until baby is here and see how he behaves then, If the way he’s acting now is out of character. If he continues to show so,little interest in you and your child I dont think you have many options other than to chuck him. I wish you all the best.

Jekyllandhydesmother Sat 09-Mar-19 21:13:17

This is so sad to read. Please do do as the others have said and go see your friends or family. You deserve better.
His behaviour isn't right. Honestly I don't know what's behind it and only he can explain. But until he's ready to talk/wake up to his issues. Then I think you need some space. Maybe leaving will be a wake up call?
Or can you say you'd like him to leave?
I wish I could offer more comfort sad

Snappedandfarted2019 Sat 09-Mar-19 21:19:26

Sounds like my ex he was excately the same. How old are you guys? He was utilmately cheating on me. He was extremely unkind to me when I was pregnant and left me just after ds 1st birthday. I wish I left when I was pregnant. Get out whilst you can he’s gaslighting and being emotionally abusive.

PotatoesDieInHotCars Sat 09-Mar-19 21:20:16

Why are you waiting for him to leave you? Stop listening to his bs. Nothing has changed he says. So it's your hormones making him sleep on the sofa? It doesn't really matter what the reason is for his behaviour. If he wont address it and it's making you miserable then don't waste your time.

You're already going through this difficult pregnancy on your own. Remove the thing that's adding stress and enjoy the time you have left before the baby comes. Let him come to you if he can be bothered, then YOU decide if you want whatever he has to offer.

PinkiOcelot Sat 09-Mar-19 21:24:05

OP I feel so sorry for you. Pack yourself an overnight bag and just walk out of the front door. Go to your mum for some tlc xx

Whydoesshedoitffs Sat 09-Mar-19 21:26:00

You need to get out of this shitty relationship for you and your child.

Imagine how good it will feel not having to tiptoe around? He’s awful OP and I’m so sorry you have been dealing with it.

Call your friends - tell them everything.

You know what I’d do? I’d make my plans now. Talk to my family and friends about the support they could give, pack some stuff up etc. See a solicitor. Get out of that shit and take control.

crunchie12 Sat 09-Mar-19 21:31:23

OP, go to your mums. Have a bath. Don't have him at the birth. Leave him - you can do better. thanks

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit Sat 09-Mar-19 21:35:43

Do you really think he's going to suddenly buck up his ideas and man up when you go into labour? Isn't that all going to be a huge inconvenience to him? No playstation at the hospital after all.

He's doing nothing for you, he's adding nothing to your life and bringing fuck all to the table.

Can he go back to his mother's for the next few weeks? You don't need this stress at this point.

Susannach Sat 09-Mar-19 21:44:26

This is really horrible to read. OP, you sound absolutely lovely and I hope you know that this isn’t about you at all. Whatever’s going on with him is his problem only. You and your baby should be and deserve to be his priority right now, you’re not being unreasonable or needy or hormonal and it’s so sad to read that he’s making you feel that way and putting it all on you. I hope you manage to get through to him somehow and get an explanation about what’s changed (because something clearly has, you’re not imagining it), but even if you do, I’d personally find this behaviour at this vulnerable and precious time very, very hard to forgive and move on from.

As for tonight, I’d give your lovely mum or friends a call now and have a chat, even if you don’t want to discuss any of this. You sound lonely and like your self-confidence has been seriously knocked, and you need to reach out to the good people in your life who remind you of how great and fun you are, not the ones that make you feel like shit.


loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 21:54:30

Pains seem to have subsided so feel a bit better about that, I'm in bed now and we haven't spoken since I came upstairs. Other than when I went to the toilet I heard him moaning that I was making the floorboards creek(!).

I've got plans to spend the day with my mum tomorrow so going to have a chat with her, although she kind of already knows everything. I don't know why I'm still here, I honestly know he's not going to change. I'm really not expecting miracles, I guess I just haven't been brave enough to leave. And the sad pathetic thing is, I think if I did leave he wouldn't even notice. He certainly wouldn't have a wake up call and suddenly want me back - perhaps to pay bills and do shopping but other than that, he'd be happy as Larry I think.

I just don't think now is the time to be uprooting my life, I wish he'd just bite the bullet and leave to be honest. Because this hurts like hell. I don't know why he's staying, it makes no sense. It's like he hates me.

Whydoesshedoitffs Sat 09-Mar-19 21:58:18

I just don't think now is the time to be uprooting my life

I’m telling you now it’s loads harder WITH a baby.

Do you own or rent? Do you have much joint in the way of finances? Can you support yourself financially?

These shitty men fucking women over left right and centre. Urgh.

MamaLovesMango Sat 09-Mar-19 22:01:31

It absolutely is the time OP because it’s going to be so much harder when you’ve got a newborn baby. It doesn’t sound like this situation will be getting better any time soon and you need to be somewhere where you’ll feel comfortable and safe right now, that means someone has to take charge.

RaspberryBubblegum Sat 09-Mar-19 22:01:43

There any way you can show him this thread OP? He needs to know how awful he is being and he needs to know it's not just you who thinks it. Whatever his problems are he's hiding them and is too cowardly to confront them. Stay strong flowers

Boxingmum Sat 09-Mar-19 22:06:09

He sounds like a narcissist, an emotional abuser, alarm bells are ringing!!!
What is the home situation, rented, owned? What I’m saying is ...are you able to pack his bags & change the locks or is it more complicated?

FascinatingCarrot Sat 09-Mar-19 22:07:41

I just don't think now is the time to be uprooting my life
Youre already 36 weeks, it cant be more uprooting than that so decide now. Fuck him off. What do you expect? If he was ok after this you will never ever trust him again.
As this is going, you'll turn around in 10 years time and still be waiting for him to validate you as a partner day after day and accept a crumb of a shitty text once a week.
He isnt there now, he wont be when she's born and he's not going to step up after this.
It is what it is..its a fucker but it is. One day you will laugh at him.

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 09-Mar-19 22:09:22

There any way you can show him this thread OP?

Absolutely not. That is a really bad idea if he's escalating nasty behaviour.

TriciaH87 Sat 09-Mar-19 22:14:09

Way i see it you have three options. Ignore it which is a big no with baby on the way. 2 is you hide his console and force a talk and 3 is if his so into his phone write him a message or better still forward him your post to force him to listen.

Mmmhmmm Sat 09-Mar-19 22:17:44

This reminds me a lot of another recent thread, she left the loser, I think you should follow suit OP.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 22:21:05

Made the epic mistake of going downstairs and asking if we could speak. He said I'd caused the whole evening to be sh*t and that I'm annoying. I started to get upset and he put his hands over his ears and the quilt over his head and told me to* fuck off.

I went upstairs and he kept shouting at me to shut up because he could hear me crying. Im sat in my car now. This is the lowest I've ever felt.

WeakAsIAm Sat 09-Mar-19 22:22:56

Start the car and drive to your mums OP, don't look back.
It's really hard but one day you will be glad you did.


Dottysmum18 Sat 09-Mar-19 22:24:44

I have just read through the thread
Turn on the car and drive to your mums he is a nasty fucker and doesn't deserve u

icarriedaturnip Sat 09-Mar-19 22:24:53

He’s acting like a child! Go to your mums or a friends OP, please

Coffeeisnecessary Sat 09-Mar-19 22:24:55

Go to your mums, you need to be around better people for your baby's sake. Surround yourself with love, he sounds awful.

GruciusMalfoy Sat 09-Mar-19 22:27:25

Fuck him, drive to your mum's. You need her love and support now. Isn't a a teenager, because it reads as if he is. Take care of yourself OP, put yourself first.

Sonicknuckles Sat 09-Mar-19 22:27:37

Fucking hell op he's an arse hole. You poor thing. I had those symptoms you stated when I was going into labour early. Go to your mums and don't delay. Don't go back to him.

GruciusMalfoy Sat 09-Mar-19 22:27:51

*Is he a teenager

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 22:31:16

Start the car op. NOW IS THE TIME. Go to your mums and you can go back together for some things in the morning. Please don’t spend another night with this horrible person.

loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 22:31:24

Can't go to mums she's not there tonight. I don't have anywhere to go right now. I have driven away from the house though.

It makes me so sad that I'm heavily pregnant with his child and he just watched me walk out sobbing and doesn't even care.

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 22:33:41

It makes me so sad for you. Please make this the only time it’s ever going to happen. He doesn’t deserve you and you certainly are worth so much more than this. And your baby is worth love and care and everything. Is there really no one you can ask? Your friends who aksed you out would let you stay , you just have to tell them. Don’t be scared, it’s not your fault.

Sonicknuckles Sat 09-Mar-19 22:34:02

Can you go to a friends?

ENormaSnob Sat 09-Mar-19 22:34:15

This relationship is over.

He doesn't love you. He just hasn't the balls to tell you.

Please leave. Do it for your baby if not for yourself.

Yippeeayeyeah Sat 09-Mar-19 22:34:23

Oh op I am so sorry this is happening. Is there a friend or other family member you could go to?

timeisnotaline Sat 09-Mar-19 22:34:25

And in case you do go into labour, I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate, and I wouldn’t give the baby his name if hell froze overs

Tiredmum100 Sat 09-Mar-19 22:34:34

You deserve so much better than that! I'm sorry you're upset and he's treating his pregnant partner so awful. Can you stay with a friend tonight?

Gotthetshirt23 Sat 09-Mar-19 22:36:05

Nice hotel ? Am so sorry

Sonicknuckles Sat 09-Mar-19 22:38:20

You must stay strong and believe in your self worth! Listen to your gut.

Anon10 Sat 09-Mar-19 22:38:38

OP are you married to him? Are you renting or do you own, and if so is it owned together?

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