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To think he might be cheating?

(221 Posts)
loveactuallyisallaround Sat 09-Mar-19 00:12:31

I'm almost due with baby number 1, much wanted by both of us and a struggle to conceive but we're here and so far so good.

Problem is, for about 5 months now my DH has COMPLETELY lost interest in anything to do with me, baby, or us.

He used to be great around the house, real 50/50 with everything, now I can't even ask him to help take the bins out without getting a mouthful.

He doesn't come to any appointments anymore (high risk pregnancy) - not that I'm suggesting he should to be fair, he works, but not only does he not ask, when I try to talk to him or give him updates he just ignores me.

He doesn't want to have sex anymore and we haven't for almost four months, he voluntarily sleeps on our very uncomfortable sofa every night, and can't give me any reason why he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I have totally given up giving him a kiss or a cuddle because he always pushes me away or rolls his eyes.

He gets in from work and all he wants to do is play his PlayStation until the early hours and I'm not allowed to speak whilst he's on it, which is annoying as I'm on mat leave and look forward to having him home for a chat in the evenings - not asking for a four hour heart to heart but let's at least have tea together and discuss our days???

He's ALWAYS on his phone if not the game and the other day I looked at him whilst he was on his phone, genuinely just looked up at him, and he went crazy saying I was checking up on him?! I was extremely confused.

I've tried to speak to him about it all and he just shuts me down.

We spend zero time together and haven't left the house together in months, he says he's too tired to do anything with me but stays on his game every night until the early hours when he has work at 6.

I can't imagine he's physically cheating because I don't know where he'd find the time, but emotional perhaps?! Something isn't right. Please help because I can't take anymore, I feel disgusting. I tried to kiss him goodnight tonight and he just moved and looked at me 😩💔

ADHMeeee Sat 09-Mar-19 03:10:52

Ok, something is definitely up. And it needs sorting before baby comes.

Can you write a calm letter, stating facts about how he has changed, the impact its having on you and that you need him to sit down and work through whatever is wrong?

Fabaunt Sat 09-Mar-19 05:16:13

You poor girl, I am sorry. Do you own your house? If not, is there anywhere you could go? Your parents maybe? That sounds so unhealthy and I can’t imagine he’ll be much support when the baby arrives.

ScarletBitch Sat 09-Mar-19 05:21:55

Why do you need to ask OP? Get rid of him

Ozziewozzie Sat 09-Mar-19 05:24:31

It's going to be ok is the first thing I want to say to you.
The suggestion of writing him a letter calmly is a great idea. Try not to put it across in an attacking way though and don't be afraid to listen to him. I'm not saying he will have anything constructive to say but even if he doesn't, you will have your answer.
Please don't undersestimate how strong you are. Do you have support?
I agree that you need to be sorted before baby comes so you know how things are.
Please don't trick yourself into thinking when your baby arrives he'll suddenly drop his toys and run into your arms and be the perfect Dad. It's highly unlikely. Xxx

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sat 09-Mar-19 05:42:19

I agree with PPs that a letter my be a good start, the only tip I can offer is arround assertive communication, try the following;
describe what is happening factually no opinion, it means or is hard to argue with of you go in with opinion straight off the bat the other person stops loathing of they disagree -'we spend less and less time together, we don't even share a bed anymore', then how you feel use I statements so 'i feel scared our relationship is going to end or I feel lonely and like I'm not a priority or I feel we are fixing sissy and it worries me we won't be in a string place to raise the baby. Try to avoid using you eg you spend all night on your game, you take no interest in me or the baby (the likely response you will get to that is defensive, the listener just heard it as you, you, you and at best shuts down, at worst interrupts and argues) all you can do is express how you feel, then say what you want eg 'i would like us to work on our relationship, have dinner together every night/share a bed/talk about what we plan to do when the baby comes etc then talk about how that will be a positive Outcome for all so 'that way I'll feel valued, you will know more about the baby and chatting might help you wind down from work and we'll get our relationship back on track before the baby comes and things get tough/sleepless for a while. The above steps are an assertive communication tool (DESO, describe, express, say what you want, outcome) and whilst won't necessarily get you what you want, are hard to rationally argue with and should at least get your point across without a row escalating.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sat 09-Mar-19 05:43:40

So many typos, sorry it's early!

katykins85 Sat 09-Mar-19 05:51:16

Could he be scared about the baby coming and rather than talk about it he's taking the stress out on you? Is he stressed about money whilst you are off work?

The situation sounds shit OP, I'm sorry you are going through this flowers

SerenaOverjoyed Sat 09-Mar-19 05:59:04

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP flowers

I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you haven't effectively been in a relationship with this man for several months. So much so that whether he's cheating is almost academic. Something prompted him on the sofa, it could be an OW but it could also be virtually anything else. It feels like he is deliberately concealing why? A letter is a really good idea to try and open communication.

I'm sorry to say this but my hunch is that he has plans to leave and wants to delay this until after your DC has arrived. Currently you'd get more from a half decent housemate than what this man is offering. Remember your worth, it will all be ok.

SerenaOverjoyed Sat 09-Mar-19 06:00:58

Ooh, lots of 'sorry to says' there.blush

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:40:44

I'm not sure I'd be writing to him.

Sit him down and talk to him, in a non accusatory way, explain you feel some distance has come into the relationship, a lack of affection, and that it worries you and you don't understand it and you'd like him to help you to.

It could be he is worried as it's a high risk pregnancy and is simply handing it very badly as he doesn't know how to handle it. But sit him down and talk to him.

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 06:59:50

It sounds to me as if he is depressed. These things are classic signs of depression, particularly avoiding life by gaming.

He needs to deal with it. Living with a depressed partner, as you have discovered, I’d difficult. It will be even more so once your baby is born.

EnglishRose13 Sat 09-Mar-19 07:35:50

One thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is that pregnancy changes some men.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have any family you can stay with? It's only going to get more difficult when the baby is here and you need to prepare yourself for that. He's not going to wake up one day and be "normal" again, and he's probably done too much damage now even if he did.

This is no way to live, you are your baby deserve so much better.

PtahNeith Sat 09-Mar-19 08:29:12

That ain't depression.

The way he is responding to you and flying off the handle at you - combined with the fact this started once you were pregnant - is concerning. I am sorry to read he's left you feeling disgusting; my concern would be the possibility that was deliberate.

See how talking to him goes, but if you get more of the same from him in response then you might want to look at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and see what conclusion you reach based on the entire picture you hold.

I hope he listens and is receptive, but if his response is more anger and deflection onto you then this is a bigger problem, and I don't think it's about him cheating on you.

AlexaAmbidextra Sat 09-Mar-19 08:52:10

Oh here we go. Less than a dozen posts in and the poor baby’s ‘depressed’. Like fuck. He’s just a nasty, selfish piece of work who’s showing his true colours.

Pawsandnoses Sat 09-Mar-19 09:12:53

Depressed or not, you need to take the bull by the horns as you can't bring a baby into this mess. If he's unwilling to resolve, then you need to quickly work out your exit, or else you could quite literally be left holding the baby. Babies and children are sensitive to the atmosphere created around them, so you will never have a happy baby if this continues which will just compound the problem.

LuaDipa Sat 09-Mar-19 09:32:34

Hi op, I was a bit reluctant to share this, but I think you might find it useful. My dh was a bit like this when I was expecting my first (planned). He did come to scans and first midwife appt, etc, but I could feel him pulling away. He started going out frequently when it had only been on special occasions previously. He wouldn’t talk about the baby, had no interest in preparing or shopping for anything and just didn’t really want to know. He has always been devoted to me previously so this was completely out of the blue.

I kept this to myself, until he had been out late one night (much later than he said he would be back), and the next day I picked up the top he had worn to wash it, and got a strong whiff of perfume. I asked about it and he gave me some excuse and told me there was nothing going on. I had arranged to see a friend that day and it all came out. She was shocked as she had again always thought that he was devoted to me, but she did me the biggest favour of my life. She made me face up to what was happening. She said that as a pregnant woman, I certainly wasn’t imagining the scent of anything, let alone perfume, asked me why I was putting up with this, why I thought I was better with someone who didn’t care than by myself and why I hadn’t already thrown him out. Her anger on my behalf made me wonder why I wasn’t more angry, and it gave me my fire back. I went home, packed dh a bag, latched the front door and text him to tell him he wasn’t welcome home anymore. After an hour or two banging on the front door and texting me while I ignored him with my headphones on upstairs, he realise that I was serious and left.

I’m not sure what happened but I think this shocked him into realising what he was doing. He was so apologetic and told me he didn’t want to lose me or our dc. I told him exactly how he had made me feel, and that dc and I deserved better and I wasn’t willing to allow this to become my life. After lots of begging and pleading I allowed him home, but told him that if he gave even the slightest indication of returning to his previous behaviour he was gone for good. He knew I was serious and that while I still loved him, I had realised I didn’t need him.

I have never got to the bottom of what was going on then, I’m not really sure that he even knew, but from that day forward he was back to being the loving dh I was used to. He stopped going out, came shopping for the baby and started being concerned for me again as he always had previously. I can’t say if it will be the same for your dh, and we have heard plenty of stories on here of this not being the case, but from the second he saw dc, he was smitten. I could see it in his face, but most importantly in his actions.

We discussed this again before trying for our second, as I wasn’t prepared to go through that again and I could see the shame and sorrow in his face. He was the perfect dh during my second pregnancy, although I must admit I was a bit on edge until dc was born.

I don’t think I will ever forget how he behaved and that he essentially ruined what should have a been a special time for our family, but because he has shown a great deal of remorse and been such a hands-on dad, I have been able to forgive him.

I can’t say if this will be the case for you, but I urge you, as my df did for me, to face up to what is happening. Why are you putting up with this? Why do you think you are better off with someone who doesn’t care than by yourself? Why haven’t you already thrown him out? I promise that whether he decides to change or not, you will feel 100% better for taking control of the situation. I didn’t really want to lose my dh, but I knew that continuing as we were would be detrimental to both myself and dc. That gave me the strength to realise that I could deal with whatever happened but I couldn’t live like this any longer. This isn’t how you imagined things would be but you will cope. flowers

Nathansmommy1 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:35:52

Tbh my mind would be thinking what you're thinking, that he's at the very least messaging someone else or up to something he shouldn't be and that's why he is sleeping on the couch, to get time to do whatever he was doing on his phone when you looked at him and he got so mad... You really need to let him know how you're feeling and that you can't continue to live together with things like this. See if he will open up to you then.

Whydoesshedoitffs Sat 09-Mar-19 09:48:53

LuaDipa is right - face up to it - take control. You don’t NEED him.

Halo84 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:58:35

I don’t care what anyone posts, absent an affair, all of the behaviours, even the nastiness, are classic signs of depression.

User6949671 Sat 09-Mar-19 10:03:38

My other half was very distant and not interested at all when I was pregnant.
However this was due to him losing a child in a very hard way right at the last minute of the pregnancy in a previous relationship.
He really struggled in trying to bond or talk about anything pregnancy because I think in the back of his mind it was all going to end In disaster.
When baby came along happy and healthy he struggled again to make the transition from couple to family.
15 months on were all good.
Perhaps after the long time it took to conceive and the fact it's high risk as stumped him a little and he's struggling to come to terms with everything and the potential changes in your lives together?
The heart to heart letter is certainly a good starting point!

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sat 09-Mar-19 10:28:59

Hi OP

Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour, you and the baby do not need to put up with this. He is not even treating you with the minimum of respect

Please just be aware that pregnancy is a well known trigger for abuse for a lot of men. Men who were previously kind and caring. It's like they can't handle not being no 1 any more. There was a post similar to yours a few weeks ago from a poster who was sent upstairs when her husband was gaming, he didn't like her going out either. She eventually walked out.

Not allowing you to talk (especially when you've been home by yourself all day) and going 'crazy' at you for looking at him are NOT normal or acceptable behaviours towards any human. It is controlling aggressive and yes, abusive.

Do you think it's going to get better with a screaming baby when you can't work out why it's crying and you've both had a couple of hours sleep? A newborn can tes the strongest and happiest of marriages. I'd be having one last talk with him along the lines of some of the PP here. If it turns out that he has some massive childbirth phobia that's taking over his life then you can work with him. If it turns out (more likely) he is aggressive, tries to gaslight you by saying he's not ignoring you, tries to blame you by saying if you nagged less or were more interesting then he'd want to speak to you more, then you need to leave for the safety of the baby. Immediately. Id have my bags packed or another plan before the talk just incase. Good luck

SerenDippitty Sat 09-Mar-19 10:49:19

It could be that he is depressed and anxious about his impending fatherhood now the reality is almost upon him.

PoptartPoptart Sat 09-Mar-19 11:03:06

@AlexaAmbidextra - that is not helpful.
The op’s husband COULD be suffering from some sort of mental health problem, depression etc.
It’s not an EXCUSE for the way he is behaving but it could be the REASON.
Having said all that, it doesn’t mean it is ok for him to treat the op like this, it’s not ok at all.
Op you need to give it all you’ve got to really communicate with him. Whether that’s by letter or face to face. You need to be crystal clear that it needs to be addressed properly ASAP, or else you will leave. See what he says. He may be open to some therapy or councilling if he realises that you mean business.
I am so sorry you are going through this flowers

Gardai Sat 09-Mar-19 11:09:49

Even if he is anxious or ‘depressed’ about the impending reality of parenting - he has no right to treat the OP in this way. I would be worried if this continues and she has a newborn and him to deal with.
Consider asking him wtf is going on whilst there’s still one of you OP. When you have a tiny baby you will not be in the position to do anything. You will be exhausted and by the sounds of it you will be doing everything baby related by yourself.
If he has checked out of the marriage, so to speak, it’s best knowing now. You will be saving yourself a hellish few years if you sort it out sooner rather than later flowers

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