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Pinch me and tell me it’s not a big deal

(144 Posts)
LifeIsToughMate Fri 08-Mar-19 22:59:58

ahhh.. this is one of them in law threads.

I was enjoying my little victory year, having moved out of my in laws house after huge drama and obsessive attempts to invade my privacy by MIL and her little gang of a family . Currently signed up to therapy so I can recover from the trauma they caused me.

Used to love them. Until they became so enmeshed in my life that they want to make every decision for me, and run through my daily tasks..

Then when I stood up for myself I found out how toxic they are. Their reaction showed me how little respect they had for me.

Took me a year to find my flat which we are buying with a mortgage. It’s around 1hr away from them. Such a blessing.

I get to see them once a month and DH sees them more often but without dragging me.. we working sooo perfectly...

I have a toddler and I did want to keep the good relations. I’m a massive fan of big family set ups and grandmas being involved in their grandkids life and in fact it is me who is mourning the loss of that due to finding out how nasty they can get. So I limited contacted but keep their relationship with my son reasonably loving so he doesnt miss out... gritting my teeth and all that.

They announced today that they’re selling their flat and moving next door...

That’s literally the end of my peaceful living.. they gave us a timeline and it is quite soon that they want DH to dedicate time and energy to help them find the perfect flat on our street...

Not sure where I’m going with this, AIBU to invest my next month trying to find better deals on another planet ?

Orrrrrr... shall I take that time to say goodbye to my peaceful life.

She keeps saying how she wants me to have another baby and then go to work and let her raise them.. now I used to think I’m the luckiest daughter in law for such offers until I realised she literally means possessing my child, wiping me out of their existence... she has an extreme level of toxic competition it engulfs her life.

I’m gonna have to live a new life of saying “no” to every request and dealing with huge drama and bullying after.

She has a lot of leverage over my husband. She orchestrated to be this way. She bullies him for it... I can’t share the details but plz be assured that she does. He is seeking therapy too.

What shall I do 😥

Singlenotsingle Fri 08-Mar-19 23:01:27

Move away!

RJnomore1 Fri 08-Mar-19 23:01:49

Move again

Outer Mongolia?

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon Fri 08-Mar-19 23:03:00

Time for dh to decide. .
He helps them move into the St=
You move out.
Your marriage will depend on his choice.
Make that crystal clear.

ssd Fri 08-Mar-19 23:03:48

Christ that's a lot if therapy

TinselAndKnickers Fri 08-Mar-19 23:06:33

What the fuck?! They sound utterly deranged. Move again if you can, although I appreciate it's easier said than done. I would also make it clear to your husband this is not what you want at all and there will be consequences!

Mum2OneTeen Fri 08-Mar-19 23:08:40

Australia is nice grin

Seriously though, this is a big deal. I have no suggestions other than to try and find them something nice that isn't too close to you.

Treaclesweet Fri 08-Mar-19 23:13:55

Marriage counseling. Now. You need your DH to have your back on this. Or you need to leave him. It is not happening. Do not allow this woman to ruin your quiet life. Do not allow your husband's spinelessness to overwhelm your resolve. It is not happening. You are not being unreasonable!

foxsbiscuit Fri 08-Mar-19 23:17:03

Tell them no.

ADHMeeee Fri 08-Mar-19 23:18:48

I cannot even.

DH needs to step up NOW and be blunt and say he loves them but they moved that distance for space to be a family.

Jackshouse Fri 08-Mar-19 23:19:53

But this is massive. Sorry, I’m sure you will get helpful replies too.

blackcat86 Fri 08-Mar-19 23:21:06

Big no's all around. She just sees you as a walking uterus who will provide wrap around childcare but also work and provide her with children so she can dip in and out. I naively took up this offer from my MIL and now only 2 months from my returning to work I'm having to put them through baby bootcamp because they really aren't that involved.

They talk as if I've stopped them seeing DD and how they so desperately want to provide childcare but have done so little with her that she now screams when they hold her. I had a very traumatic birth and DD nearly didn't make it. 1 day post c section I came down to special care to see MIL holding my baby saying 'thank you for giving me her'. I have had to be very clear about a lot of boundaries - no you can't have her overnight at 8 weeks because her cousins came to you (in my opinion its downright neglect to palm your baby off at 8 weeks), no you cant put her in a £15 2nd badly worn carseat from a stranger on Facebook.

Although I have to say that actually things have improved because I have put those boundaries in. I've said no, I've said when DD isn't ready and I've sent videos from YouTube backing up the guidance I've stuck to (mostly SIDS and car safety). Ive shoved myself in front and centre as the mum and MIL has realised that DD is very clear who mummy is. I've also causally mentioned that breaches of trust would be treated very seriously and I would not hesitate to block contact, find alternative childcare etc if needed. Theyve actually got a lot better with her to the point I now feel able to leave her for 2 hours.

MountIronSolo01 Fri 08-Mar-19 23:22:05

Is it likely they will be able to find something they could afford? It’s like stalking.

Butterymuffin Fri 08-Mar-19 23:28:53

This has to be a 'them or me' choice for your husband on this occasion, unfortunately. No way round it.

Weenurse Fri 08-Mar-19 23:29:40

Have they sold already or is it planned in the near future?
If they have sold, where are they planning on staying until they can find a flat?
Tell DH that if they move next door to you, you are gone!
He needs it spelled out in black and white how you feel and why this is not a good idea. His parents may have sold him on the ‘close family and help with child care’ idea, when he does not realise it is a deal breaker for you.
Some DH need the blunt conversation.

Pineappleunder Fri 08-Mar-19 23:34:21

Start composing about your flat/ the area and hint that you will probably move soon. Hopefully it will be enough to make them re-think their plan.

AnneOfCleanTables Fri 08-Mar-19 23:34:45

Tell DH to focus on his therapy and to tell his parents 'no'. Make it clear that if they move in, then you move out and away.
You can't leave any confusion about how you feel about this. Keep repeating 'no' and if you have family and friends rope them in to make it obvious to DH that you are serious about this and that his parents are being very UR.

Pineappleunder Fri 08-Mar-19 23:35:09

Complaining

GabsAlot Fri 08-Mar-19 23:50:31

its still down to your dh im afriad even if he is in therapy he must see what they are doing to u all

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Sat 09-Mar-19 00:19:10

"Yes, I've just spoken to a local estate agent and it transpires that there's a lovely house here on Acacia Avenue that's only just gone on the market. I'm certain that you'd be very happy living in it. In fact the front door is within 20 yards* of the front door of where we are now."

It's completely true: 0 yards is indeed 'within 20 yards'....

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Sat 09-Mar-19 00:27:44

< pinch > It’s not a big deal
Heads straight to the nearest confessional “ forgive me father etc etc Lying Father - huge fuck off lies to a stranger on the internet ! “
In the interests of full disclosure irl barely observes religious bylaws.

LifeIsToughMate Sat 09-Mar-19 00:36:23

Thanks everyone ...

At least I’m glad I’m not unreasonable.
I’m just soooo exhausted from the drama they put us through when we moved houses... I feel like I haven’t had the time to pick myself up yet to start a new fight and here they come.

My DH said he doesn’t think he has any say in this.. what can I ask him to do ?

They’re very wealthy.. we aren’t, we are literally living on credit cards because f a complicated financial situation related to them and the house...

They’re a nightmare ... And I’m sleepless trying to think of solutions.

Going to try find them a nice house far from
Us...

I am sooooo upset with them right now, I really wanted peace

Tolleshunt Sat 09-Mar-19 00:51:08

He needs to tell them you both really don't want them living nearby. And that if they do it, it will irreparably damage his relationship with them, and that you will move away again. And mean it.

LifeIsToughMate Sat 09-Mar-19 01:05:08

The problem is I’m currently pregnant and I promised myself that in this pregnancy I won’t put myself through abs much drama as last pregnancy because I genuinely end up going into anxiety and panick attacks..

Last pregnancy my baby was born destressed snd I blamed myself for it.. it was all the stress from how they bullied us after we moved...

I feel like they will do the same I’m too scared to erect boundaries and I can understand why DH is too..

My only solution was distance and I hate them for wanting to take that away from me

Tolleshunt Sat 09-Mar-19 01:15:13

Why are you too scared to erect boundaries? What do you think they will do?

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