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Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

(229 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

whoevenami Fri 08-Mar-19 10:32:35

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

frazzledasarock Fri 08-Mar-19 10:35:24

I’d say the biological parent is mostly to blame for this situation.

I cannot imagine letting anyone treat my dc like you describe your father allowed your stepmother to treat you.

Yes the step mum sounds evil but your father sounds worse in passively colluding in throwing his children out of their home with him.

TedAndLola Fri 08-Mar-19 10:36:31

I don't have any step-parents but you're right. There are so many stepmums on here who clearly resent their partner's children, but when challenged they trot out the old "Mumsnet hates second wives!" trope.

You will be accused of that too, by the way. Give it a few posts. smile

whoevenami Fri 08-Mar-19 10:38:38

@frazzledasarock You are right! That's a whole other thread though!

But as there are parents out there who may be unaware of the goings on etc, I just can't understand why men or women enter relationships with the intent of ridding the children from a previous marriage. It's so cruel! Just find somebody who doesn't have children!

allgirlsaroundhere Fri 08-Mar-19 10:41:53

I agree with all you have said. I am a step mum and always tried to be one big family.My step daughter now lives full time with us as her mum attacked her in school for staying at ours during half term. When she was with her mum I always said to my step children I am not your mum as you have a mum already but we love you (I have 3 DD) and we treat you all the same in this house but that did mean the praise as well as being told off. Your step mum surely could not have been a good mum to her children to treat other children that way. How could she do that !!! Being a mum herself !!

Limensoda Fri 08-Mar-19 10:44:29

A friend of mine had a young son when she met her second husband. Her DH accepted they came together and was a good step dad. She told me that she wouldn't have liked it if her dh had children with his first wife because she wouldn't have wanted him to have a relationship with them once he was with her. Thank god he didn't have any. It changed the way I felt about her and I've not been as close to her since.
I agree, embrace your step children or don't get involved with their father/mother.
It's sad that many women are hostile to their partner's children and even his mother and siblings.

Thisisnotadrill Fri 08-Mar-19 10:45:33

Lovely - a step parent bashing thread hmm

lyralalala Fri 08-Mar-19 10:45:42

My DDs step mother is blatant about wishing they weren’t around.
To the point that my girls weren’t allowed in the house unless their dad was there even for an hour. So when he was on call at night on the weekend, despite the fact he’s been called out 3 times in 5 years, contact had to be cancelled as she wouldn’t keep an eye on them (even though she and they would be asleep).
She also refused to learn how to give my DD her epipen as it was ‘nothing to do with her’.

Whereas when I met DH in our first date he told me that he might have to shoot off early as DS was with a new babysitter. He wasn’t, but it was something DH said to see someone’s reaction to him putting his DS first.

allgirlsaroundhere Fri 08-Mar-19 10:46:30

I think your step mum wanted your dad all to herself and felt threatened by his previous life and that unfortunately included you. Was it more about the way she felt about your mum ??? Your dad should have stepped up !

TedAndLola Fri 08-Mar-19 10:47:28

Lovely - a step parent bashing thread

Bingo! grin

NewLevelsOfTiredness Fri 08-Mar-19 10:48:16

Early in the dating process with my girlfriend she laid it out that her kids would be her priority and that was that - if it bothered me we should just end it there and then rather than waste each other's time. It was reiterated many times over the months until I met them as 'mummy's friend.'

Although my stepdaughters are awesome so she needn't have worried anyway.

Their dad has many faults, but his love for them is clear and I know he'd be appalled by any new partner trying to shuffle them out of the picture.

Huntawaymama Fri 08-Mar-19 10:49:06

I'll be honest I couldn't do it. Not a big fan of other people's kids and even if I tried I couldnt pretend to love them like my own

Thisisnotadrill Fri 08-Mar-19 10:49:28


As a step parent who loves my step DC very much I never look here for any support because if you post as a step parent the replies are normally absolutely vile and totally distort the reality beyond recognition.

whoevenami Fri 08-Mar-19 10:49:34

@Thisisnotadrill If you yourself are a step parents and assuming you're a bad one... why would this post bother you?! This is not a "Step Parent" bashing thread... it's a "Shit Step Parent" bashing thread!

I have an absolutely amazing Step Father.

magicstar1 Fri 08-Mar-19 10:49:44

I agree that your father has to take a lot of the blame in your situation...that's terrible!
I would never have dated a man with children. I'm not that bothered with kids and would never have wanted to look after someone else's, so made sure I was never in that situation.

whoevenami Fri 08-Mar-19 10:50:49

*I meant to say "assuming you're a good one"

whoevenami Fri 08-Mar-19 10:51:26

@magicstar1 Exactly! That's perfectly reasonable and understandable!

OKBobble Fri 08-Mar-19 10:52:37

Quite often grown up children i look back and see it like you have here and it may have been different. Your own mother may have not let them take you on holiday, she may have been a nightmare and caused problems, there may have conveniently been no school photos "left" from the package bought and the school hadn't thought to send a set out to the non-resident parent.

I do get there are people (and in general I would have to say the Dad - I realise there are always exceptions) that would just go along with a new wife who does try to erase all trace of his former life for jealousy reasons but quite often it is not so clear cut.

I am sorry your situation has left you with this taste in your mouth still that as an adult you feel your release is to post about it here. I hope your relationship is good with your Mum. Do you have your own children now and is it because you see a difference in how your kids are being treated as grandchildren.

Personally I can take stuff on the chin for myself but when it affects my kids ...

NewLevelsOfTiredness Fri 08-Mar-19 10:52:56

I think stepmums often get a very rough deal on here, but I do think this is a valid thread.

There are many mums who are vile to their children's step mums. It should be ok to discuss that here.

There are many people who get with partners that have children, that make those children's lives miserable - that should absolutely be ok to discuss too without it being a dig at steps in general smile

I will say I have noticed that us stepdads seem to get a much easier ride though.

Doubletrouble99 Fri 08-Mar-19 10:54:57

As a step mum for over 30 years I would say the op's step mother is not typical and has never been my experience of life as a step mum.
My DH always had his 2 children every other weekend and I knew this when I first dated him and knew that they came as a package, end of.
If you are not prepared to accept this then you are in the wrong relationship.
I agree with the poster up thread that the OP's DF has a lot to answer for, my DH would never ever let me wipe his children out of our lives. There was absolutely no way he would allow their bedrooms to be removed from the house in any way, in fact we bought a new house together when we married, it never occurred to me that we wouldn't have a bedroom for each of them in our new house.

UnderCaffeinated Fri 08-Mar-19 10:55:50

Your father needs to take the blame for this, equally as your step mother. Your step mother treating you that way is wrong and awful, but your Dad allowing it to happen is in my opinion just as bad, if not worse, because you are his children who he should not have allowed to be excluded in that way.

For the record, I have a DSS, he's 6 and I love him so much, I'd do anything for him. I'd never see him go without, and I'd never put my own needs before his. He deserves the world, and nothing will ever change that. He'll never play second fiddle to any child from me and DP, and I'd never dream of excluding him from anything.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 08-Mar-19 10:56:25

I agree your father has to take the majority of the blame for allowing this to happen to his children.

I also think it makes it 10x worse that she had a child from a previous marriage that was included in 'family' stuff, as that also makes her a hypocrite as well as a massive bitch

Have you ever talked to them about it as an adult?

IrmaFayLear Fri 08-Mar-19 10:59:47

I'm sorry to say it, but there do seem to be a lot of weak men who put wives before their (existing) children. Look at Baron Hardup! What was he thinking?!

My aunt married a man three months after his wife had died and moved into his (very nice) home. He had a 17-year-old son. She was quite vocal about how he was a cuckoo in the nest. He went to university and never returned. A year later the dh died and my aunt inherited everything. Even my aunt's siblings (including dm) were shock that she had just eliminated the son.

PookieDo Fri 08-Mar-19 11:00:19

I had a step mother but she was ok. I didn’t really have much to do with her and my DF as they lived so far away. She never tried to be my mum or a grandparent really

My DC also have a lovely step mum. She has never ever tried to step on the mum boundaries and is very much in the camp that DD’s are mine and my ex’s responsibility but she is willing to help take care of them too. My DD2 prefers step mum to her actual dad.... confusedgrin

But I can see how this can result - all it takes is insecurity, and it can snowball. I was in a RS with a single dad and I couldn’t handle the weird relationship he had with his ex or their child sharing arrangement and started to get resentful - so I broke up with him. Kinder to the DC. FYI I have no issue with other people’s kids this was not really a normal situation and I didn’t want it to escalate

FizzyGreenWater Fri 08-Mar-19 11:03:49

Well I hope they're reaping what they sowed now OP and that you and your family have stuck two fingers up at them and are NC.

Your father is an absolute disgrace and believe me, their family at heart won't be happy. It's not possible, for example, for their biological children to have seen the way you were treated and not have a deep-seated insecurity that that could one day happen to them too. They've seen that their dad, at least, has conditional love for his kids. And your dad - no matter how deep he's buried it, he knows at heart that he ripped up your childhood with him.

They aren't happy, even if they think they are.

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