To have challenged DH over the lack of organisation of his workload (in the morning)?

[Notadonkey]

DH is known for being disorganised.

However, after DC1 was born, we had a frank discussion about the need for him to be more organised and not leave huge deadlines to the last minute as it would impact me greatly (who was also returning to work at the time).

Fast forward 3 years, we now have 2 DCs. DH has worked until 2am for the last 3 nights to meet a work deadline he has known about for weeks. I return to work next week after ML and I am nervous that he has reverted to old habits. Last week, he socialised 3 week day evenings and so could have prioritised his work then. I have barely seen him for 2 weeks.

DH is stressed and irritable, I have been ill with a virus for the last week and DC2 wakes a lot during the night.

I could see that DH was stressed yesterday so I skipped my exercise class so that he could work (not that he noticed). I felt guilty that I'd not collected DC1 from nursery so that he could stay at work longer, but I feel he uses me and his parents as a back-up far too much and it was his one turn each week to collect him. He also needs to learn that he doesn't have the luxury of being disorganised when he has 2 DCs and I work myself.

I have put together rotas and schedules for the family and myself for when I go back to work so that everything gets done. A great majority of my work has to be done at home so I am anxious about DH not honouring this and using me to fall back on when he can't do his share of pick ups and childcare because he hasn't planned better.

Having not seen DH much in the last 2 weeks to discuss this and what the family needs from him, I spoke to him this morning. My timing was awful as he had just put on his coat to leave the house, but I naively thought he would let me say what I had to say in a few sentences and then go off to work so no chance of an argument between us etc and time to reflect on what I'd said.

What he actually did shocked me.
He began shouting "shut up!" "Shut up!" At the top of his voice. I continued talking because I'm fed up of not getting my say because he's "too stressed" or "too busy" or "too tired" there is never a right time.
He then started kicking the wall and breathing heavily in an absolute rage as he slammed his cup down and left the house.
I've never felt scared of him before, but I was.

He has been immensely stressed out but this could have been avoided with a little planning. I also don't get much time to myself and my recreation time has suffered, partly due to my own guilt about not collecting DC1 so that he could work longer and partly because I just wanted him to complete the task as he's been so wound up.

I've expressed many times over the last 3 years that he can not work this way anymore with a young family to take care of. It means that if we fall ill, everything falls to me as he won't ever miss a work deadline and never has! There has been evenings over the weekend where he has sat and watched TV and he could have atleast done an hour here and there. It impacts on all of us when he spends 3 days working religiously all hours without any warning from him that he's going to be doing it.

He knows he's always got me and his parents to fall on though,which I think is a big part of the problem. His stress/moods and sulking affects us all so we all have to suffer the consequences.

I'm shocked at his reaction this morning. I clearly pushed him too far by bringing this up before he left the house. He has messaged me to tell me how wrong I was to do so when he's stressed, but surely the lesson is for him to bloody organise himself to avoid outbursts like this in the future?
AIBU?

[whywhywhy6]

YANBU. He needs to sort himself out, and urgently.

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

Hmmm, he sounds at breaking point. But of his own doing. I'd apologise for the poor timing, but point out that he has had plenty of time but has prioritised different things...that's not your fault.

[TheInvestigator]

You picked the wrong time. It's like you set it up so he would react badly and this would escalate.

However, it needed to be said. Admit your bad timing but tell him that is no excuse for ignoring you or for scream and kicking things etc. His reaction is a direct result of the way he is managing his time, it was not caused by you talking to him. He allowed his bad time management to cause a violent outburst. Make it very clear to him that you will not accept that and next time, you're leaving him.

In regards to the time management, just text him what you have said here and tell him not to reply until he has spent time thinking about it. You can then talk tonight.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

It maybe wasn't the best time to bring it up but that isn't an excuse to be aggressive and scare you.

He doesn't seem to recognise that his behaviour which is in his control, impacts on the rest of you. I'm not sure how you get him to see this though? Maybe tell him this week since the deadline has passed you're now going to be taking a catch up exercise class, you're out with friends a few nights as you've had to cancel socialising the last few weeks, etc etc.

Lots of people have times when their work impacts their home life but it must be frustrating that a lot of his is due to his own making - its his own fault he's stressed if he's left his work til the few days before the deadline rather than doing an hour every day for a month (that assumes he's not waiting for other people to do things for his project that he needs to pull together - then it's a bit more understandable)

Could you go out of the house and work in the library or coffee shop so he doesn't rely on you so much

To be honest even despite his deadline, going out 3 nights when you're not feeling well and you then have to get up in the night is a bit shit

[Notadonkey]

He is often at breaking point of his own doing.
Everything is so last minute.
He never leaves any manoeuvre for anything unpredicted that could happen. Before, I've had to take care of a sick child whilst being bedridden myself because of an imminent work deadline that he hasn't prepared for and it's always me that ends up taking days off work when a child is ill as he has "too much on."
He is the main breadwinner so I know his work is very important.
I think my timing was really shit, I will apologise, hopefully, he'll see that his time management is the problem.

[Notadonkey]

I wouldn't mind if he worked hard all the time, but there are times he needs to be chipping away at his work at home and chooses not to. I will have to work at home 3 evenings a week when I return to work due to obligations like nursery pick-ups etc, which means I won't be able to stay at work until late. DH never works at home unless he has an imminent deadline. If he set aside one evening a week for work (something I've said to him over and over) he would save himself and us a lot of misery and stress.

[Birdsgottafly]

If you haven't seen him for two weeks then he's prioritising work amd whoever he's socialising with, over you and the children.

Did you agree to be a sole Carer for the children?

What was your reaction to him going out?

How much has he done with the children and thr running of the house in the two weeks?

Like many Men, he seems to have checked out of Family life.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Could he tell you exactly when the right time would be, as you are fed up of walking on eggshells around his perma stress and him not noticing or reciprocating your actions that accommodate his poor organisation?

[mindutopia]

I would apologise for the poor timing, but you need to stop bailing him out. You go to work, you go to your other commitments, he keeps his commitments in terms of childcare, etc. You rotate through who takes a day off for sick children (literally write down who did it last time and the date and stick to the fridge). If it's his turn, you get up and make sure you leave the house first so he has no choice. If he wants to call on his parents, then that's his choice, but let someone else feel the burden. They'll soon tire of it too probably and be forced to have a word. But you keep your end of the bargain and he'll be forced to keep his by default. If he's having issues at work, it needs to be discussed with his line manager and not just get dumped on you because he can.

[adaline]

His reaction is appalling. If you'd picked the wrong time, then all he needed to do was say "Look, not now, I have to go to work but we'll sit down tonight and discuss it over dinner". He didn't need to kick off.

But maybe you should talk to him and go into it admitting your error. Say you shouldn't have spoken to him just before work (when he was probably rushing and stressed) and that you shouldn't have continued on when he was clearly getting wound up, but that his reaction was inexcusable. I just think if you go into the discussion admitting that your behaviour wasn't perfect either, he might be more receptive to a decent discussion about things. Nobody likes to feel "attacked" and when someone just goes on and on and doesn't seem to listen to your need for space, it can be quite difficult to be rational I think.

Good luck

[Notadonkey]

@birdsgottafly I pay a cleaner for a reason! I'm not willing for absolutely everything to fall on me. I have got upset with him a few times this week and told him he seems to have checked out. He can't see further than the day he's on. So he would never think... oops I've said I'll go out 3 times this week, I'll cancel one. He seems to agree to everything then gets stressed when he has a pile of jobs and a family waiting for him at the end of the week or 2.

[Poppyfr33]

If he hasn’t got time, send him an email at work telling how you feel, it might catch his attention for a few minutes.

[Notadonkey]

He has never realised that you don't "have" to be stressed when there is a deadline. I suffer with MH issues- anxiety and depression so have to organise my time to stay sane. But it's like if I'm not stressed and over-worked, he sees me as an 'option' when he is.

[adaline]

If he hasn’t got time, send him an email at work telling how you feel, it might catch his attention for a few minutes.

No, no, no. Bad advice. Don't continue an argument over his work e-mails. It's hugely unfair.

Give him space, let him focus on work - that's what he's at work to do. Speak to him at home, when nobody has to rush out of the door or has a deadline to meet.

[adaline]

But it's like if I'm not stressed and over-worked, he sees me as an 'option' when he is.

What happens when you tell him no?

[magicstar1]

He's a procrastinator. I know because I'm the same. He has a job to do but will keep doing anything else until it's so urgent that it has to be done, and will do it in a big hurry.

Have a read of this, and maybe get him to do the same. It made so much sense to me.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

[MiniCooperLover]

I'd possibly apologise for raising it at such a bad time this morning but I'd make it bloody clear that his response and reaction was incredibly OTT and unacceptable... do not let him guilt you into thinking that was your fault !!!

[CheshireChat]

Hmm, while I might apologise for picking the wrong time, his reaction is way OTT and what happens the next time you do something 'wrong' when he's stressed. It sounds a bit like 'she drove me to it's so I'd really spell out you were frightened of him and why. Also what would've happened if one of the kids had bothered him, would he react the same?!

I think the only way for him to get it is to stop facilitating him I'm afraid- so regardless of what he has going on, he needs to do the agreed chores at home, after all you have to do this and more.

So when he's calm, you need to show him the rota and spell out that deadline or not he needs to take a share of what needs doing and not prioritise his social life then dump all of his responsibilities on you.

[1wokeuplikethis]

Hmm I strongly suspect your suspicions that this will continue when you’re working again is correct.

If this was my relationship, yep I’d apologise for the bad timing and also tell him his reaction was OTT and frightening. Then I’d leave the whole conversation until Saturday evening, when the little one is in bed and have a sit down chat about your fears going forward that he doesn’t comprehend that your work is just as important as his and you can’t be called upon to take up his slack any more. That he needs to promise he will be more organised because if this carries on your work will suffer if you have to collect your child when he was meant to etc. It doesn’t matter that he is the breadwinner, your money and career is just as important and you have others at work relying on you. Let him have a go organising himself, a few days to think about what he thinks is the best way to spread his time more evenly and ask if you can then help him with that plan when he’s done it to make sure it’s solid.

Otherwise. This will carry on, you’ll be looked down on at work (sorry but true) and you’ll grow to resent him.

In my opinion, if you’re both working parents then it’s all 50/50 for job importance, childcare, household shit it doesn’t matter who brings in more.

[Laterthanyouthink]

I think his reaction is because he knows you are right but that doesn't make it any easier for him to change his ways.

[Brefugee]

I'm a procrastinator too - but I know i do my best work under pressure. However…

We used a family calendar and i made sure that I wrote absolutely everything on it (mine is backed up electronically, nobody else in the family does this) and made sure to remind (nag) everyone what they were doing and when. If plans changed (if I had to stay late at the office for eg) then the person whose plans changed was responsible for alerting the childminder and making alternative arrangements (if possible). It worked pretty well.

In your case, OP, I'd apologise for blindsiding him this morning (easy done when you're stressed yourself but apart from the severity of his explosion, you must have known it would stress him. That's not excusing his outburst though) and schedule a time when you can both discuss how it is going to be when you are back at work.

Working from home doesn't mean that you have time for childcare, unless it really is a dire emergency.

Good luck!

[Hugtheduggee]

Your timing was terrible, but his reaction was awful. I think you need to find some common ground, so you both can do your work, not get too stressed.

I work very much like your husband- a deadline.often has to be imminent before I can motivate myself to do the work. I think its a veey instinctive way of working for a lot of people. Back at uni, I was doing the all nighters, whilst some friends will have been working on the same essay for weeks amd would be done already. Neither is 'better', they are just different methods that people are drawn to.

But, when its just yourself, then that doesnt matter. When you have a family, you have to look at the impact on all of you.

My work is a bit less deadline driven now, but when it was more 'urgent' I guess our approach was that if I needed to really work for a deadline, my husband picks uo the slack, but when a deadline isn't imminent, then I pick up the slack. Because realistically for me (because of the nature of the work) I wouldn't have been able to spead my workload anyway.

So as far as I see, he has 2 choices:

1. he evens his workload out so no cramming for deadlines, you alternate and share child rearing tadks, sick days etc.
   
   
2. if he has a deadline that week/within a few days etc, then you do the cooking, caring for children and sick days, but on ALL other times, he is the default person for those things, rather than it being you, or you alternating. That will only work as long as he doesnt take the piss though, so be aware of that...
   
   He also needs to understand that emergencies arise, and if, for example you are ill, and he needs to step up, then that comes first irrespective of deadlines (though this would be perhaps an appropriate time to utilise his parents.)

[Notadonkey]

@magicstar1 the procrastination articles are fantastic! Yes DH is exactly like this!

[Notadonkey]

Having read all the responses and read back my own posts, I think it's time he experienced not meeting a deadline. That is his biggest fear and yet he has never missed one despite his lack of motivation and organisation!

He may kick off though as he's not used to people not bailing him out and I guess after this morning, it worries me as to how angry he might get. He hates being seen as incapable in the eyes of "outsiders." Most people think he's wonderful.

I need to keep my own guilt in check and let him experience the consequences. I'm just not sure how he will react.

[picklemepopcorn]

Book a time with him to talk about it.

Don't randomly bring it up when he's already in panic mode.

When he's prepared for the conversation and the current deadline is over, have a proper talk about this incident.

Don't apologise for bad timing unless and until he apologises for the explosion. Tell him how scared you were when he reacted like that.

Don't get cross and tell him what he should do. Tell him you are really worried about him, and about how you will both manage your return to work. Ask him if he has any ideas about how to reduce the intermittent stress he is under.