AIBU five hours to eat a bit of cake (in laws)(83 Posts)
FIL, his wife and that side of DPs family have form for springing unnecessarily long dragged out, last minute weekend plans on DP and guilting him into attending. For context DP works 7-7 with a two hour commute five days a week. He only briefly gets to see DD in the morning before he goes to work (he gets home after she goes to bed) and wakes up early just so he can spend time with her before work (and let me get ready for work in peace). He wants his weekends free to spend with me and DD. It's his grandparents wedding anniversary on Sunday, not a significant wedding anniversary but they want to celebrate it with the family. They've invited that entire side of the family round to theirs for coffee and cake. They're now saying they want DP round at 12 and they'll be done around 5. DPs family are odd in that if someone leaves early from these last minute weekend plans, they're gossiped and muttered about at other family events. Bearing in mind they see each other most weekends so it's not like they've got a lot to catch up on. Me and DD were invited but DD naps 12-2. I've suggested coming round later with DD, but DP has pointed out it won't be fair on DD (who is 18 months) to have to sit in a cramped living room for three hours with extended family she isn't hugely familiar with. Whilst I agree, I'd rather me and DD be there so at least we get to spend some time together, and that side of the family get to see DD (--and we can use DD as a convenient escape route--). Me and DP are perfectly happy for him to go round for a couple of hours for some cake but five hours? DP constantly feels guilty as we live in the same town, he feels he should see them as often as they ask (which is most weekends, bearing in mind he goes round to FILs one night a week for dinner) and he doesn't want to rock the boat. His FIL has also tried to push for DP to go to a football match on Mother's Day which after much persistence, FIL finally took no for an answer. I've got three options, wait for DD to wake up from her nap, go round and suck it up with a grumpy toddler for DPs sanity. Not go and not see DP most of Sunday and put up with a grumpy DP all evening. Or tell DP to rock the boat and insist that he leave earlier.
Unless the cakes are likely to be stupendous go for an hour after dd's nap and live with their wrath!!
Couldn't be doing with allowing family to guilt trip and dh to be so wet tbh.....
Looks like it's up to you to wear your bgp (big girl pants), why should they get to dictate your day?
Thing is how does an 18 month old get to know extended family if they don’t get taken to these things?
These people are your child’s family, and family is Important well it should be.
I get wanting to spend time together, but everyone has busy lives and sometimes seeing other family is good they won’t be around forever.
Can yous not just lie and say you have plans already? You don't get much family time. It's not even an important anniversary and also sounds rather last minute. Could say you have booked something already and don't want to lose the money?
Just all go after her nap. It's not a big deal so don't let them make you feel it is. Go round at 2 after her nap for an hour or so. Just don't let this become a big thing. Be clear and strong about what you are doing. Your dp needs to just chill about it. Who gives a shit if they gossip about it. How lame would that be on them?!? It's lovely idea to go for a bit of cake and see everyone as a family. Great. Keep it simple.
I would go after she wakes up. Then you can stay til 5. Let them gossip. Who cares.
Do you ever invite them round to yours? You could set a shorter time and take baby upstairs for a nap
unfortunately this also takes you away from the guests and then your DH could try and end the gathering.
Or go round after naptime.
Rock up at three o clock - baby was asleep til then - hug gps, eat cake, show off baby for an hour or so, leave.
At least they live in the same town so you don't have a long journey to really notch up the resentment.
Make sure all phones are turned off to thwart the "where are you "
@Traveler001 bloody must be if it takes five hours to eat it 😂
@PinkHeart5914 DPs extended family havent really taken much of an interest in DD. One of his aunts never had children and is a lot more interested in our cats when she comes round. His cousins are in their late teens so toddlers are not cool. I'm happy to go round if it was just the grandparents as they dote on DD (his grandpa especially), hence my insistence that me and DD go after her nap.
Go after her nap, and spend some time with them. I agree with pp that it would be good for your DD to spend time with her family. If it gets too much for her, you have a perfect excuse to leave early. Never mind any muttering or gossiping - that's a matter for them, if they choose to engage in it. You don't need to buy into any silliness in that regard.
I’d go, but not for 5 hours. As pp have said, if you don’t go, then the extended family will always be unfamiliar!
I'm not sure tying yourself to a rigid nap schedule that means you can't leave the house in the middle of the day is ideal, nevertheless go after, how will your DD ever bond with her family of you don't take her to these things?
You do have a 4th long term option
Far far away
I don't think this weekend matters, it's the general expectation you will see them every weekend. If you see your family the same amount that means you will be doing something every other weekend and won't have a single weekend all to yourselves. When your daughter starts school and has clubs and parties etc you will hardly have any family time.
I'd say you need to get your husband on side to start a loose rota of seeing them every other weekend then every 3. Start booking stuff in 'oh no we can't, sorry, we've bought tickets to x with friends on Saturday and have lizaelna's family on Sunday - let's organise something for the following weekend instead'
Just say you all do 3-5, and stick to it. The situation will never change unless you make it change.
BOTH of you go after her nap.
Big smiles and just brush off the looks and comments.
You stick together, is the main thing - DON'T let them think that they can pile on the pressure and still get DP to come and put them before spending time with his child.
'You're not happy with us coming for only part of it? Oh no I'm sorry. We didn't mean to disrupt things. We wouldn't have come at all if we'd realised. Don't worry, next time we will just let you know if we can't make it for the whole thing and arrange to pop in another time.'
Eyes of steel. If DP won't say this then you do!!
You need to nip this in the bud now, while DD is small. They WILL get the message.
The fact that your DP works long hours and you've chosen to live a 4 hour round trip from his work is not your FIL's problem. That's the first thing that jumps out. Frankly, even without this particular issue I'd be looking to move either house or his job.
Unless you are very young your DP's GPs might not both be around for much longer to celebrate their wedding anniversary. The fact that it's not a significant date to you doesn't make it insignificant to them.
There's no real reason why you can't take your DD to this after her nap. She'll be surrounded by family who will make a fuss of her, it'll be lovely for your DP's GPs to see their GGC.
I think you should go.
If it’s an adult’s grandparents’ anniversary, they’re all pretty significant at that age. It’s three hours out of your life.
@AmIRightOrAMeringue my family live abroad unfortunately so DD doesn't see them that often (last time she saw them was when we went over at Christmas). They're moving back over to the U.K. soon so god knows what we'll do when I've got both sides of the family taking up weekends.
Feel your pain OP. My DH works non stop durinf the week, we are ships in the night and he barely sees our 3 DS during the week. So weekends are sacred for us. My mother just csnt grasp this and continually makes comments about "never" (not true) being able to make plans to go out with me at the weekend because i always want to be with DH and kids.
This is a situation where your DP is still under the thumb of his parents. He's having problems getting them to understand that he has a Family of his own. They are not 'The Family' anymore.
You are constantly having to compete with them for your DPs attention. So much so, that you can barely stand to be in their company, would that be right?
For some reason, he doesn't want you and the baby there.
I figure it's more comfortable for him/easier to be 'the son' alone when he goes to your FILs. He doesn't feel uneasy about imposing his 'new family' on them. It's about attachment bonds really, no one is doing this on purpose.
I suggest you put your foot down. You have to start showing Family Boundaries and Separateness in relation to your own family - you, DP and the baby. It means you have to start to impose these boundaries on the FIL family. So either all go over after the baby's nap or he goes first and then you join them. Leave a little bit earlier than the 5pm - just enough to make a point that you have a Family Schedule as well.
I would do 3 to 5.
But your DH’s working hours and commute are surely unmanageable in the long term.
@RiverTam DP works in London, unfortunately I can't move because of my work and neither can we afford to live there. Plus I don't fancy uprooting DD from her nursery. FIL had DP when he was 19 and I'm in my mid twenties so I suppose having children relatively young runs in the family.
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