Fucking DH and in laws

[grumpypengyquin]

I'm just loosing my patience with him and have lost so much respect for him as a result.

A successful career, very confident but totally wet when It comes to anything to do with his parents.

He will "not hear" when they swear in front of our toddler because it's glaringly obvious he finds it uncomfortable telling them not to. When having a meal at ours they referred to non drinkers as "fucking dull" whilst I took a sip from my OJ, I don't drink and never really have (they know this) but apparently he didn't think it was rude or thoughtless to say in front of me. Told me I was huge and twice the size of SIL when pregnant and talked about my weight openly even 14 days post c section. MIL kept calling herself mummy when dc was 2 and laughed it off when DH said "I don't think so" that was all he'd mustered up after I repeatedly told him how much he upset me, so it fucking carried on for a while.

I've just lost my shit and gone nuclear on MIL for another boundary crossing and sick of my fucking wimpy DH when it comes to his parents. I know they gave him a great childhood and I appreciate that but he makes me feel like shit when he doesn't have my back. I've always had his back but he thinks if you're a grown up and have a problem, raise it yourself.

I probably am bu because I should just correct them myself but fucking hell he's really pissed me off.

[grumpypengyquin]

He didn't tell me I was huge...MIL did but he stood there and said nothing.

[ShrinkWrap]

God I’d be so annoyed. Well at least you are insightful in realising you have a DH problem more than an in law problem. Have you lost your shit and gone nuclear at your husband yet?

[Singlenotsingle]

You had a go at MIL, did you? Told her a few home truths? That might have sorted the problem out for you. She'll probably go NC now! That's not necessarily a bad thing though. She sounds like a nightmare!

[PersonaNonGarter]

TbF, you sound perfectly capable of dealing with them yourself - and I mean that in a good way.

Let it all go, seriously. It will be water under the bridge. Grandparents calling themselves mummy etc in the early days is way more usual than you might think, although I agree that it is uncomfortable.

The drinking stuff WOULD bug me but you can deal with that yourself and sharply. ‘I don’t comment on your drinking but I might have something to say if I did’.

And the weight stuff is not nice but, unfortunately, completely generational. My MiL think is is just wrong to be overweight, it weird, and judges everyone accordingly. She’ll never change. You could snap back and embarrass her, but is it worth it?

[Fairenuff]

Why do you see them? I would not be in the company of people who treated me like that or swore in front of my children. It's not just him, OP, it's you as well. Stop having them in your home. Stop letting your children be in their company.

[FetchezLaVache]

Are you sure they gave him a great childhood or is that just the narrative? Or did they give him a everything money could buy but neglect him emotionally? Because people who had a genuinely great childhood tend to have healthier relationship and better boundaries with their parents as adults than your DH seems to.

[Troels]

You need better comebacks for the snide comments about non drinkers and weight. For swearing, don't hold back. Tell them straight. It just isn't acceptable at all. Maybe your Dh will grow a backbone if he sees you won't sit back and let them be so awful.

[FizzyGreenWater]

So tell him you're done and if he can't support you when his parents are undermining your joint parenting decisions (ie not having swearing round your children) you won't agree to your child seeing them.

[TheFrendo]

I have a sense of deja-vu about the first post in this thread.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Read Toxic Inlaws.

Sorry he’s being so spineless. I posted exactly this on another thread tonight about a useless DP and his overbearing family - have you asked him their feelings are more important to him than yours are?

[PerfumeandOranges]

I wouldn't be letting her see the children at all for a while, then supervised contact, a sort of probationary period. If she behaves herself during this time, good but if not then its no contact all the way.

I agree with PP that it is generational but and I mean this kindly they have to learn, to move forwards with us, not dragging us back to the dark ages.

[grumpypengyquin]

Thanks for the replies, I realise reading back over my op what a ranty sweary mess it is, but it's like a switch has gone and if he won't do it then fuck him and fuck them, I will every single time.

I doubt she'd go nc, I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly. Nothing said to DH funnily enough.

Fair it looks really bad when I write it all down but they aren't that bad, just when they are DH literally says nothing. The swearing isn't very often but when they do it's a random f bomb and no apologies afterwards. They don't see a problem and think it's funny.

I don't want to have a big fall out with them or go nc but just want DH to have my back and correct them as a united front. Not leave it all to me!

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Tell DH that you refuse to visit PIL or have them in your home because they can’t be respectful towards you. He might start to stand up for you if you make his life less comfortable. If not, he can visit on his own with your DC so you won’t have to deal with them, so it’s a win-win situation!

[Singlenotsingle]

Provide care when they are elderly? That's not your job! Tell them forget it!

[PerfumeandOranges]

Tell your husband to move back in with them, he sounds very wet.

[CoolCarrie]

Your dh needs to grow a backbone, and you need to make bloody sure that you don’t end up being a nurse to them, cheeky fuckers!

[RomanyQueen1]

Tell him he'll be the one going into school when the dc are in trouble for swearing, it won't be you.
Then tell him they aren't welcome in your home or access to your dc until they behave themself.
Put mil in her place.
Tell her it's too early to be looking at care homes when she starts about future care.
Give her her shit right back but nicely

[grumpypengyquin]

Blue definitely taking your advice. Win win indeed

I think they probably think I'm having some sort of breakdown because I've never been blunt with them but the last few months have really pushed me and I have no filter anymore.

I did say, they'd need to speak to their son and that I won't be anyone's carer. They are 61 & 62 so a bit early yet but it did annoy me. Basically vagina = carer in their eyes. DH will be far too busy

[Fairenuff]

I don't want to have a big fall out with them or go nc but just want DH to have my back and correct them as a united front. Not leave it all to me!

That is clearly not going to happen.

Look, I know you don't want to go nc but you are allowing this to happen. When my dc were young, my dm used to smoke in her house and around them. I stopped it. I stopped seeing her. It really is that simple. You have to put your children first.

It's up to you if you are ok with people swearing around your children but for me, the odd 'f bomb' would be unacceptable. I would not put my children in that position and sod anyone who had a problem with it.

You need to take a stand. You. Not your dh. It's not entirely his fault if you are allowing your children to be subject to this behaviour.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

Erm... I was exactly where you are almost 20 years ago. I ended up loosing all respect for my husband who never ever grew a spine, this led, a few years down the line, to divorce.

Then 3 years afterwards he met megabitch who, unlike me, didn’t have any hesitation to fight for her relationship even if that meant getting wet flannel separated from dear mummy who was used to rule his relationships. Megabitch didn’t entertain the nastyness of the in-laws, put her foot down, made them feel deeply unwelcome everytime they visited and now, years later, Mr wet and magabitch live happily ever after with almost no contact with the in-laws.

The moral of this story is... while your relationship is young and you have a young child, you have the power to influence and change the situation. If you wait (like me) to put your foot down until your marriage is eroded and beyond repair, you will lose this war.

Having said that, I do not regret ending my marriage, I have had not an easy life afterwards but definitively a happier one. The only thing I regret is wasting so many key years of my life waiting for Mr Wet to grow spine.

Interestingly, many years after the split, I finally had the last straw with the in-laws, cut contact completely (this meant no contact with DS as well as megabitch also kicked him out of his dad’s life), I just stopped picking up the phone, replying to emails, etc. We resumed contact after 3 years... my MIL is now very VERY respectful and careful not to irritate me with disconsiderate comments. She is very nice nowadays... but that just happened because she now knows that if she is nasty again, she will be kicked out of our lives again without any further consideration.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

God l want to murder my DH over Mil lately. She's elderly yes but she just has him round her little finger and he won't see it and he's back at work next week and everyone seems to think lm gonna carry on where he left off doing absolutely everything for her (she's perfectly capable of doing herself) Grrrr

[PersonaNonGarter]

You can only control your reaction to your ILs not your DHs.

However, on the swearing, I think you can ask him to drop them an email asking them not to as you both don’t like that as parents.

[cakecakecheese]

Please continue to stand up for yourself but you and your husband should be a team and while he probably doesn't want to get in the middle he really should be supporting you especially when it comes to things like them swearing in front of the kids.

[Littlebluebird123]

I would have been the DH in this situation.
In so many ways my parents were great and I really did have a good childhood. But it turns out that they are both very controlling, and as long as I did as they wanted I was fine. I was, in fact, the golden child as I did follow whatever they wanted. Then I left home, and started to have my own opinions etc. This didn't go down well, bit under their roof, I still was doing it their way.
Fast forward a few years and I met my DH.
He's amazing and we built a life together.

They blamed him for all the 'changes' to my decisions, were awful when I was pregnant, had my baby etc. I found it really, really hard to stand up to them as they were my parents and I wanted to have respect for them and still loved them. Also, I'd never really had any trouble with them so it felt like they'd changed massively.

Then they treated my second child in an absolutely appalling way. It all came to a head and I went LC with them. My brother supported me and the next time we visited I stayed with him instead. (They live 500 miles away.) They knew I was serious and although haven't taken full responsibility for the horrible things they did, they have backed off.

I now have a good relationship again and they are much more respectful of my parenting.

It took my DH pointing out, a lot, that they were abusive and my brother's wife also pointing it out for me and my brother to realise it wasn't us. If my DH hadn't have been so supportive and kind to me (he did sometimes get really angry but was mainly trying to help me stop the insanity) then I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I know it's easy to blame DH, and he does need to step up. But these are his parents, this is his normal, and it's not as easy as saying he needs to grow a backbone and sort it. Please be kind to him too and help him stand up to them.

[diabeticsanon]

op, when you mentioned mil said she was 'mummy' to dc and dh said i don't think so all i could think was that if she sees herself as 'mummy' she's had sex with her son - oh, god, WHY ??