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Fucking DH and in laws

(49 Posts)
grumpypengyquin Thu 07-Mar-19 22:57:33

I'm just loosing my patience with him and have lost so much respect for him as a result.

A successful career, very confident but totally wet when It comes to anything to do with his parents.

He will "not hear" when they swear in front of our toddler because it's glaringly obvious he finds it uncomfortable telling them not to. When having a meal at ours they referred to non drinkers as "fucking dull" whilst I took a sip from my OJ, I don't drink and never really have (they know this) but apparently he didn't think it was rude or thoughtless to say in front of me. Told me I was huge and twice the size of SIL when pregnant and talked about my weight openly even 14 days post c section. MIL kept calling herself mummy when dc was 2 and laughed it off when DH said "I don't think so" that was all he'd mustered up after I repeatedly told him how much he upset me, so it fucking carried on for a while.

I've just lost my shit and gone nuclear on MIL for another boundary crossing and sick of my fucking wimpy DH when it comes to his parents. I know they gave him a great childhood and I appreciate that but he makes me feel like shit when he doesn't have my back. I've always had his back but he thinks if you're a grown up and have a problem, raise it yourself.

I probably am bu because I should just correct them myself but fucking hell he's really pissed me off.

diabeticsanon Fri 08-Mar-19 07:12:06

op, when you mentioned mil said she was 'mummy' to dc and dh said i don't think so all i could think was that if she sees herself as 'mummy' she's had sex with her son grin - oh, god, WHY ??

eggsandwich Fri 08-Mar-19 07:15:53

I would of laughed out loud when they mentioned about having to look after them when they’re old.

Probably would of said well thats never going to happen your going straight into a care home as I’m not caring for anyone.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 08-Mar-19 07:27:37

By your own words - I have no filter anymore. - you sound EXACTLY like your MIL, and men marry their mothers. You have indeed become the mirror image of his mother.

UnspiritualHome Fri 08-Mar-19 07:57:34

I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly.

Bloody hell, they're early 60s and planning on needing care from their DiL already? Are they wishing themselves into early senility?

mrsmuddlepies Fri 08-Mar-19 08:13:10

I found my in laws difficult when I was first married. They were different to my parents and behaved in a way I was not used to when at home. I remember being told by my FIL to help clear up after a meal because I was female. I would have helped anyway.
Over the years, I mellowed. They adored their grandchildren and our children loved them. I loved my husband and he loved them so I did put up with stuff ( which to be fair was never meant unkindly). As they got older I even found myself becoming protective of them. They both lived until their late 90s and spent a number of years in a care home. I did not like it when carers treated them unfairly or badly and found myself springing their defence. I visited a lot and their pleasure at seeing me was touching.
I was genuinely very sad when they died.
Only you know how much you are irritated by them. If your husband irritates you so much perhaps your relationship with him is never going to work. It doesn't sound as if you have any desire to make things work and your fall back is 'going nuclear'. I can see it is difficult.

Chloemol Fri 08-Mar-19 08:13:57

@plainspeakingstraighttalking. Living up to your name then. What a nasty comment she has been driven to this point by the in laws. Read the post

GottaGoGottaGo Fri 08-Mar-19 08:17:01

I used to have this with my MIL, she would say all sorts of things and DH wouldn't stand up for me or pretend he hadn't really heard. So I basically told him that either he started saying something then he had control over how it was worded or I would... and I'm a bit of a forthright, sarcastic northerner. He tends to get in a bit quicker these days and if he doesn't then I speak up. MIL is a bit better these days! wink

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:34:05

I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly
"Have no fear MIL, we'll get you into the cheapest nursing home we can find".....tongue in cheek, of course!

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:38:42

Very risky of them to swear in front of a toddler. Toddlers then tend to repeat parrot flashing or do little drawings of grandparents with little speech bubbles saying "Fucking dull" to hang on the school wall....ooopsy!

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:39:16

Parrot fashion!

PinaColada1 Fri 08-Mar-19 08:39:46

I hear you!

I think we all understand that it’s tricky to stand up, or even see, bad family dynamics if you are in them. However never ever standing up for us, their partners, is hard. So I don’t blame you. This could be really good, it could mean you have a more genuine relationship with them.

My DP had a word with his mother, who had ignored me in the street. SIL problem basically. Overbearing and very keen in seeing my DS without me.

What did they then do? Specifically not invite me to SILs big birthday. What did DP do? Not only did he go, but he helped out. Ouch big time. I hope I never have to see them again and I have minimised contact with DS.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 08-Mar-19 08:41:52

Thing is, I'm not seeing anything abusive or toxic in what OP describes as PIL behaviour. It looks like more a case of different values and opinions. And I wonder how much the OP has been boring on about the virtues of non-alcoholic drinking, or demanding 'respect' all the time (anyone who actually demands respect tends to merit being laughed at). it might be better to just shrug and not worry about what they say, rather than trying to turn every disagreement into 'It's them or mee, WAAAA!' battleground.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 08-Mar-19 08:45:37

It's often said on MN that you don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem because he isn't your partner, he doesn't have your back.
But you do still have an IL problem as well because he won't stand up for you or your children.

It's also frequently said that he should deal with them because they're his parents - but he's seemingly incapable, for whatever reason (and it is worth considering that it's because he's been under their controlling influence his whole life - that's a hard thing to break free from) - so you know what? YOU do it.

Tell him how things are going to be from now on, and also use the very good point that Gottago offered - tell him that if he won't speak up then you will and you won't hold back.

And then see what happens for a while - if he remonstrates with you over anything you've said, or takes their side, then he's never going to be any good to you. But if he takes a leaf out of your book and stands up for you more, great! Chances are he won't do anything different, just let you get on with it - which won't improve your level of respect for him, but would certainly make your life easier!

Cokezeroisyummy Fri 08-Mar-19 08:53:23

Ugh, I feel your pain. I have another useless husband who doesn't hear the things they say. Well I've lately had enough after the latest carry on and have told me husband they can fuck off with themselves. He's not happy but it's his inability to say anything to them over the last 5 years that has led to this. They got to a stage where they thought they could get away with all sorts of shit.

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 08:57:47

@ReanimatedSGB probably best to read the thread before commenting. I've never mentioned the virtues of not drinking, or demanded respect from anyone confused I honestly don't care about people drinking alcohol, I just don't like the taste! blush

Just would have liked my husband to have intervened and stopped the "eating for two isn't necessary lecture" when I was unwell, pregnant and puffed up all over because of a medical issue during the pregnancy, not fat (I'm a size 10 ffs).

After 10 years of these childish, thoughtless comments, I refuse to sit back and listen to it. My dc is becoming more aware and I don't think it's acceptable for that behaviour to be demonstrated in front of them.

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 09:06:05

@Littlebluebird123 thank you for your message, it has helped me to see that I probably need to approach this a bit differently with him sometimes and be more understanding of why he finds it so difficult. My family are very blunt with each other and will openly say to each other "you're being a dick, stop it" (not in front of dc of course wink) so I find it odd to not be open with your parents.

After last nights debacle I did sit down with him an explain why I was so frustrated and called MIL myself. He was a bit shocked I had in all honesty.

After explaining why he fully gets it, has apologised and assured me that he will try to be more aware in future.....only time will tell.

I don't want him to go nc with his parents at all, I just want there to be boundaries in place when it comes to things that affect dc. I don't want my dc to think it's nice to tear into someone's appearance and humiliate them. I don't want my dc to think swearing is funny. I don't want them to think that they should put up with behaviour they find acceptable because "it's family".

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 09:09:26

@Cokezeroisyummy I sympathise thanks

* They got to a stage where they thought they could get away with all sorts of shit.*

^ that's exactly it. They know they can say whatever they like and don't have to be polite or tactful because there's no repercussions.

Cokezeroisyummy Fri 08-Mar-19 09:22:31

I'm glad you and your husband have talked, but I wouldn't hold out much hope. I've had that conversation a million times and nothing changes. Well done though for calling Mil, I'm not that brave! And as very shitty comments to pregnant people. I was in agony with pelvic pain (could barely move) and my Mil told my husband that all I needed was to get out and walk, and that she was out hiking at 8 months! Thankfully she said this on the phone to him or I might have actually murdered her!

RatherBeRiding Fri 08-Mar-19 09:30:15

reanimated - really? Have you actually read the OPs post? Where does she say she is demanding respect or lecturing ILs about the merits of not drinking?

Her PILs swear in front of a toddler. They openly criticise her weight (or perhaps you think this is actually acceptable behaviour). They lecture her (not their son) about the care she will have to provide for them.

This isn't about different values - it's about basic good manners and not being entitled arseholes.

QueenEnid Fri 08-Mar-19 10:00:38

@grumpypengyquin hugs. I had a very very similar situation with my ILs, some before, but mainly after my first child was born. Before I had kids, I brushed a lot of it off as tbh I didn't really see them that often so I just left it. My mil is quite sly tbh and makes v passive aggressive and sometimes quite cruel remarks in a very quiet way that it can be quite shocking when you process what had been said.

I won't go into detail about it all but suffice to say, after my first child's christening I had had enough of her behaviour and it all came tumbling out to OH who was quite shocked as he had never "noticed" any of it confused. When I gave him the examples he listed to my point and I said we needed to sort this out.

It turned out that I ended up going to see mil on my own and telling her just how upset I was about her behaviour at the christening and other things. I didn't shout but I was extremely clear and to the point. She didn't deny anything she had said once she realised I was serious. It did escalate a bit as when we met up to move forward it was clear that she hadn't told FIL the whole story, and made out that I had viciously attacked her confused. She soon backtracked on that when I asked her to explain what it was I had viciously attacked her about and rebought up everything that she had said to me directly or about me to someone else. I think she honestly thought I wouldn't say it in front of other people!

Anyway, it was strained for a while. The main reason we wanted to get it out was because I was pregnant with my second child and I wasn't going to tell them whilst I was so angry.

Fast forward 2 years and actually things are pretty good. We don't see them too often but the passive aggressive comments have stopped as I think she has now realised I won't allow them to continue. Mil is much nicer now to me and interestingly, OH is much more aware now about the little things that previously would have made me see red but now I tend to let go.

mrsmuddlepies Fri 08-Mar-19 12:48:10

OP you sound sensible but all the swearing on this thread shows that for some posters it is very mainstream.

Cherrysoup Fri 08-Mar-19 21:43:33

OP you sound sensible but all the swearing on this thread shows that for some posters it is very mainstream.

In front of little children? I would be very cross if someone swore in front of dc. I said ‘fucking’ to my parents the other day, first time ever. I wanted to impress upon them how badly they had upset me. I wouldn’t dream of swearing in front of little ones.

Budsbegginingspringinsight Fri 08-Mar-19 22:13:49

Fetchez great post

FetchezLaVache Sat 09-Mar-19 16:56:29

Thanks, Buds

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