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Fucking DH and in laws

(49 Posts)
grumpypengyquin Thu 07-Mar-19 22:57:33

I'm just loosing my patience with him and have lost so much respect for him as a result.

A successful career, very confident but totally wet when It comes to anything to do with his parents.

He will "not hear" when they swear in front of our toddler because it's glaringly obvious he finds it uncomfortable telling them not to. When having a meal at ours they referred to non drinkers as "fucking dull" whilst I took a sip from my OJ, I don't drink and never really have (they know this) but apparently he didn't think it was rude or thoughtless to say in front of me. Told me I was huge and twice the size of SIL when pregnant and talked about my weight openly even 14 days post c section. MIL kept calling herself mummy when dc was 2 and laughed it off when DH said "I don't think so" that was all he'd mustered up after I repeatedly told him how much he upset me, so it fucking carried on for a while.

I've just lost my shit and gone nuclear on MIL for another boundary crossing and sick of my fucking wimpy DH when it comes to his parents. I know they gave him a great childhood and I appreciate that but he makes me feel like shit when he doesn't have my back. I've always had his back but he thinks if you're a grown up and have a problem, raise it yourself.

I probably am bu because I should just correct them myself but fucking hell he's really pissed me off.

grumpypengyquin Thu 07-Mar-19 22:59:04

He didn't tell me I was huge...MIL did but he stood there and said nothing.

ShrinkWrap Thu 07-Mar-19 23:01:53

God I’d be so annoyed. Well at least you are insightful in realising you have a DH problem more than an in law problem. Have you lost your shit and gone nuclear at your husband yet?

Singlenotsingle Thu 07-Mar-19 23:03:36

You had a go at MIL, did you? Told her a few home truths? That might have sorted the problem out for you. She'll probably go NC now! That's not necessarily a bad thing though. She sounds like a nightmare!

PersonaNonGarter Thu 07-Mar-19 23:06:04

TbF, you sound perfectly capable of dealing with them yourself smile - and I mean that in a good way.

Let it all go, seriously. It will be water under the bridge. Grandparents calling themselves mummy etc in the early days is way more usual than you might think, although I agree that it is uncomfortable.

The drinking stuff WOULD bug me but you can deal with that yourself and sharply. ‘I don’t comment on your drinking but I might have something to say if I did’.

And the weight stuff is not nice but, unfortunately, completely generational. My MiL think is is just wrong to be overweight, it weird, and judges everyone accordingly. She’ll never change. You could snap back and embarrass her, but is it worth it?

Fairenuff Thu 07-Mar-19 23:06:45

Why do you see them? I would not be in the company of people who treated me like that or swore in front of my children. It's not just him, OP, it's you as well. Stop having them in your home. Stop letting your children be in their company.

FetchezLaVache Thu 07-Mar-19 23:06:45

Are you sure they gave him a great childhood or is that just the narrative? Or did they give him a everything money could buy but neglect him emotionally? Because people who had a genuinely great childhood tend to have healthier relationship and better boundaries with their parents as adults than your DH seems to.

Troels Thu 07-Mar-19 23:16:25

You need better comebacks for the snide comments about non drinkers and weight. For swearing, don't hold back. Tell them straight. It just isn't acceptable at all. Maybe your Dh will grow a backbone if he sees you won't sit back and let them be so awful.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 07-Mar-19 23:21:25

So tell him you're done and if he can't support you when his parents are undermining your joint parenting decisions (ie not having swearing round your children) you won't agree to your child seeing them.

TheFrendo Thu 07-Mar-19 23:22:29

I have a sense of deja-vu about the first post in this thread.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 07-Mar-19 23:24:30

Read Toxic Inlaws.

Sorry he’s being so spineless. I posted exactly this on another thread tonight about a useless DP and his overbearing family - have you asked him their feelings are more important to him than yours are?

PerfumeandOranges Thu 07-Mar-19 23:28:07

I wouldn't be letting her see the children at all for a while, then supervised contact, a sort of probationary period. If she behaves herself during this time, good but if not then its no contact all the way.

I agree with PP that it is generational but and I mean this kindly they have to learn, to move forwards with us, not dragging us back to the dark ages.

grumpypengyquin Thu 07-Mar-19 23:28:46

Thanks for the replies, I realise reading back over my op what a ranty sweary mess it is, but it's like a switch has gone and if he won't do it then fuck him and fuck them, I will every single time.

I doubt she'd go nc, I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly. Nothing said to DH funnily enough.

Fair it looks really bad when I write it all down but they aren't that bad, just when they are DH literally says nothing. The swearing isn't very often but when they do it's a random f bomb and no apologies afterwards. They don't see a problem and think it's funny.

I don't want to have a big fall out with them or go nc but just want DH to have my back and correct them as a united front. Not leave it all to me!

Bluesmartiesarebest Thu 07-Mar-19 23:29:48

Tell DH that you refuse to visit PIL or have them in your home because they can’t be respectful towards you. He might start to stand up for you if you make his life less comfortable. If not, he can visit on his own with your DC so you won’t have to deal with them, so it’s a win-win situation!

Singlenotsingle Thu 07-Mar-19 23:34:25

Provide care when they are elderly? shock That's not your job! Tell them forget it!

PerfumeandOranges Thu 07-Mar-19 23:35:56

Tell your husband to move back in with them, he sounds very wet.

CoolCarrie Thu 07-Mar-19 23:40:31

Your dh needs to grow a backbone, and you need to make bloody sure that you don’t end up being a nurse to them, cheeky fuckers!

RomanyQueen1 Thu 07-Mar-19 23:41:59

Tell him he'll be the one going into school when the dc are in trouble for swearing, it won't be you.
Then tell him they aren't welcome in your home or access to your dc until they behave themself.
Put mil in her place.
Tell her it's too early to be looking at care homes when she starts about future care.
Give her her shit right back grin but nicely grin

grumpypengyquin Thu 07-Mar-19 23:45:01

Blue definitely taking your advice. Win win indeed grin

I think they probably think I'm having some sort of breakdown because I've never been blunt with them but the last few months have really pushed me and I have no filter anymore.

I did say, they'd need to speak to their son and that I won't be anyone's carer. They are 61 & 62 so a bit early yet but it did annoy me. Basically vagina = carer in their eyes. DH will be far too busy hmm

Fairenuff Thu 07-Mar-19 23:46:35

I don't want to have a big fall out with them or go nc but just want DH to have my back and correct them as a united front. Not leave it all to me!

That is clearly not going to happen.

Look, I know you don't want to go nc but you are allowing this to happen. When my dc were young, my dm used to smoke in her house and around them. I stopped it. I stopped seeing her. It really is that simple. You have to put your children first.

It's up to you if you are ok with people swearing around your children but for me, the odd 'f bomb' would be unacceptable. I would not put my children in that position and sod anyone who had a problem with it.

You need to take a stand. You. Not your dh. It's not entirely his fault if you are allowing your children to be subject to this behaviour.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 07-Mar-19 23:58:53

Erm... I was exactly where you are almost 20 years ago. I ended up loosing all respect for my husband who never ever grew a spine, this led, a few years down the line, to divorce.

Then 3 years afterwards he met megabitch who, unlike me, didn’t have any hesitation to fight for her relationship even if that meant getting wet flannel separated from dear mummy who was used to rule his relationships. Megabitch didn’t entertain the nastyness of the in-laws, put her foot down, made them feel deeply unwelcome everytime they visited and now, years later, Mr wet and magabitch live happily ever after with almost no contact with the in-laws.

The moral of this story is... while your relationship is young and you have a young child, you have the power to influence and change the situation. If you wait (like me) to put your foot down until your marriage is eroded and beyond repair, you will lose this war.

Having said that, I do not regret ending my marriage, I have had not an easy life afterwards but definitively a happier one. The only thing I regret is wasting so many key years of my life waiting for Mr Wet to grow spine.

Interestingly, many years after the split, I finally had the last straw with the in-laws, cut contact completely (this meant no contact with DS as well as megabitch also kicked him out of his dad’s life), I just stopped picking up the phone, replying to emails, etc. We resumed contact after 3 years... my MIL is now very VERY respectful and careful not to irritate me with disconsiderate comments. She is very nice nowadays... but that just happened because she now knows that if she is nasty again, she will be kicked out of our lives again without any further consideration.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 08-Mar-19 00:16:44

God l want to murder my DH over Mil lately. She's elderly yes but she just has him round her little finger and he won't see it and he's back at work next week and everyone seems to think lm gonna carry on where he left off doing absolutely everything for her (she's perfectly capable of doing herself) Grrrr

PersonaNonGarter Fri 08-Mar-19 05:57:56

You can only control your reaction to your ILs not your DHs.

However, on the swearing, I think you can ask him to drop them an email asking them not to as you both don’t like that as parents.

cakecakecheese Fri 08-Mar-19 06:39:40

Please continue to stand up for yourself but you and your husband should be a team and while he probably doesn't want to get in the middle he really should be supporting you especially when it comes to things like them swearing in front of the kids.

Littlebluebird123 Fri 08-Mar-19 06:56:41

I would have been the DH in this situation.
In so many ways my parents were great and I really did have a good childhood. But it turns out that they are both very controlling, and as long as I did as they wanted I was fine. I was, in fact, the golden child as I did follow whatever they wanted. Then I left home, and started to have my own opinions etc. This didn't go down well, bit under their roof, I still was doing it their way.
Fast forward a few years and I met my DH.
He's amazing and we built a life together.

They blamed him for all the 'changes' to my decisions, were awful when I was pregnant, had my baby etc. I found it really, really hard to stand up to them as they were my parents and I wanted to have respect for them and still loved them. Also, I'd never really had any trouble with them so it felt like they'd changed massively.

Then they treated my second child in an absolutely appalling way. It all came to a head and I went LC with them. My brother supported me and the next time we visited I stayed with him instead. (They live 500 miles away.) They knew I was serious and although haven't taken full responsibility for the horrible things they did, they have backed off.

I now have a good relationship again and they are much more respectful of my parenting.

It took my DH pointing out, a lot, that they were abusive and my brother's wife also pointing it out for me and my brother to realise it wasn't us. If my DH hadn't have been so supportive and kind to me (he did sometimes get really angry but was mainly trying to help me stop the insanity) then I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I know it's easy to blame DH, and he does need to step up. But these are his parents, this is his normal, and it's not as easy as saying he needs to grow a backbone and sort it. Please be kind to him too and help him stand up to them.

diabeticsanon Fri 08-Mar-19 07:12:06

op, when you mentioned mil said she was 'mummy' to dc and dh said i don't think so all i could think was that if she sees herself as 'mummy' she's had sex with her son grin - oh, god, WHY ??

eggsandwich Fri 08-Mar-19 07:15:53

I would of laughed out loud when they mentioned about having to look after them when they’re old.

Probably would of said well thats never going to happen your going straight into a care home as I’m not caring for anyone.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 08-Mar-19 07:27:37

By your own words - I have no filter anymore. - you sound EXACTLY like your MIL, and men marry their mothers. You have indeed become the mirror image of his mother.

UnspiritualHome Fri 08-Mar-19 07:57:34

I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly.

Bloody hell, they're early 60s and planning on needing care from their DiL already? Are they wishing themselves into early senility?

mrsmuddlepies Fri 08-Mar-19 08:13:10

I found my in laws difficult when I was first married. They were different to my parents and behaved in a way I was not used to when at home. I remember being told by my FIL to help clear up after a meal because I was female. I would have helped anyway.
Over the years, I mellowed. They adored their grandchildren and our children loved them. I loved my husband and he loved them so I did put up with stuff ( which to be fair was never meant unkindly). As they got older I even found myself becoming protective of them. They both lived until their late 90s and spent a number of years in a care home. I did not like it when carers treated them unfairly or badly and found myself springing their defence. I visited a lot and their pleasure at seeing me was touching.
I was genuinely very sad when they died.
Only you know how much you are irritated by them. If your husband irritates you so much perhaps your relationship with him is never going to work. It doesn't sound as if you have any desire to make things work and your fall back is 'going nuclear'. I can see it is difficult.

Chloemol Fri 08-Mar-19 08:13:57

@plainspeakingstraighttalking. Living up to your name then. What a nasty comment she has been driven to this point by the in laws. Read the post

GottaGoGottaGo Fri 08-Mar-19 08:17:01

I used to have this with my MIL, she would say all sorts of things and DH wouldn't stand up for me or pretend he hadn't really heard. So I basically told him that either he started saying something then he had control over how it was worded or I would... and I'm a bit of a forthright, sarcastic northerner. He tends to get in a bit quicker these days and if he doesn't then I speak up. MIL is a bit better these days! wink

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:34:05

I was being lectured recently about the care I'm going to need to provide when they are elderly
"Have no fear MIL, we'll get you into the cheapest nursing home we can find".....tongue in cheek, of course!

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:38:42

Very risky of them to swear in front of a toddler. Toddlers then tend to repeat parrot flashing or do little drawings of grandparents with little speech bubbles saying "Fucking dull" to hang on the school wall....ooopsy!

Tinkobell Fri 08-Mar-19 08:39:16

Parrot fashion!

PinaColada1 Fri 08-Mar-19 08:39:46

I hear you!

I think we all understand that it’s tricky to stand up, or even see, bad family dynamics if you are in them. However never ever standing up for us, their partners, is hard. So I don’t blame you. This could be really good, it could mean you have a more genuine relationship with them.

My DP had a word with his mother, who had ignored me in the street. SIL problem basically. Overbearing and very keen in seeing my DS without me.

What did they then do? Specifically not invite me to SILs big birthday. What did DP do? Not only did he go, but he helped out. Ouch big time. I hope I never have to see them again and I have minimised contact with DS.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 08-Mar-19 08:41:52

Thing is, I'm not seeing anything abusive or toxic in what OP describes as PIL behaviour. It looks like more a case of different values and opinions. And I wonder how much the OP has been boring on about the virtues of non-alcoholic drinking, or demanding 'respect' all the time (anyone who actually demands respect tends to merit being laughed at). it might be better to just shrug and not worry about what they say, rather than trying to turn every disagreement into 'It's them or mee, WAAAA!' battleground.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 08-Mar-19 08:45:37

It's often said on MN that you don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem because he isn't your partner, he doesn't have your back.
But you do still have an IL problem as well because he won't stand up for you or your children.

It's also frequently said that he should deal with them because they're his parents - but he's seemingly incapable, for whatever reason (and it is worth considering that it's because he's been under their controlling influence his whole life - that's a hard thing to break free from) - so you know what? YOU do it.

Tell him how things are going to be from now on, and also use the very good point that Gottago offered - tell him that if he won't speak up then you will and you won't hold back.

And then see what happens for a while - if he remonstrates with you over anything you've said, or takes their side, then he's never going to be any good to you. But if he takes a leaf out of your book and stands up for you more, great! Chances are he won't do anything different, just let you get on with it - which won't improve your level of respect for him, but would certainly make your life easier!

Cokezeroisyummy Fri 08-Mar-19 08:53:23

Ugh, I feel your pain. I have another useless husband who doesn't hear the things they say. Well I've lately had enough after the latest carry on and have told me husband they can fuck off with themselves. He's not happy but it's his inability to say anything to them over the last 5 years that has led to this. They got to a stage where they thought they could get away with all sorts of shit.

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 08:57:47

@ReanimatedSGB probably best to read the thread before commenting. I've never mentioned the virtues of not drinking, or demanded respect from anyone confused I honestly don't care about people drinking alcohol, I just don't like the taste! blush

Just would have liked my husband to have intervened and stopped the "eating for two isn't necessary lecture" when I was unwell, pregnant and puffed up all over because of a medical issue during the pregnancy, not fat (I'm a size 10 ffs).

After 10 years of these childish, thoughtless comments, I refuse to sit back and listen to it. My dc is becoming more aware and I don't think it's acceptable for that behaviour to be demonstrated in front of them.

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 09:06:05

@Littlebluebird123 thank you for your message, it has helped me to see that I probably need to approach this a bit differently with him sometimes and be more understanding of why he finds it so difficult. My family are very blunt with each other and will openly say to each other "you're being a dick, stop it" (not in front of dc of course wink) so I find it odd to not be open with your parents.

After last nights debacle I did sit down with him an explain why I was so frustrated and called MIL myself. He was a bit shocked I had in all honesty.

After explaining why he fully gets it, has apologised and assured me that he will try to be more aware in future.....only time will tell.

I don't want him to go nc with his parents at all, I just want there to be boundaries in place when it comes to things that affect dc. I don't want my dc to think it's nice to tear into someone's appearance and humiliate them. I don't want my dc to think swearing is funny. I don't want them to think that they should put up with behaviour they find acceptable because "it's family".

grumpypengyquin Fri 08-Mar-19 09:09:26

@Cokezeroisyummy I sympathise thanks

* They got to a stage where they thought they could get away with all sorts of shit.*

^ that's exactly it. They know they can say whatever they like and don't have to be polite or tactful because there's no repercussions.

Cokezeroisyummy Fri 08-Mar-19 09:22:31

I'm glad you and your husband have talked, but I wouldn't hold out much hope. I've had that conversation a million times and nothing changes. Well done though for calling Mil, I'm not that brave! And as very shitty comments to pregnant people. I was in agony with pelvic pain (could barely move) and my Mil told my husband that all I needed was to get out and walk, and that she was out hiking at 8 months! Thankfully she said this on the phone to him or I might have actually murdered her!

RatherBeRiding Fri 08-Mar-19 09:30:15

reanimated - really? Have you actually read the OPs post? Where does she say she is demanding respect or lecturing ILs about the merits of not drinking?

Her PILs swear in front of a toddler. They openly criticise her weight (or perhaps you think this is actually acceptable behaviour). They lecture her (not their son) about the care she will have to provide for them.

This isn't about different values - it's about basic good manners and not being entitled arseholes.

QueenEnid Fri 08-Mar-19 10:00:38

@grumpypengyquin hugs. I had a very very similar situation with my ILs, some before, but mainly after my first child was born. Before I had kids, I brushed a lot of it off as tbh I didn't really see them that often so I just left it. My mil is quite sly tbh and makes v passive aggressive and sometimes quite cruel remarks in a very quiet way that it can be quite shocking when you process what had been said.

I won't go into detail about it all but suffice to say, after my first child's christening I had had enough of her behaviour and it all came tumbling out to OH who was quite shocked as he had never "noticed" any of it confused. When I gave him the examples he listed to my point and I said we needed to sort this out.

It turned out that I ended up going to see mil on my own and telling her just how upset I was about her behaviour at the christening and other things. I didn't shout but I was extremely clear and to the point. She didn't deny anything she had said once she realised I was serious. It did escalate a bit as when we met up to move forward it was clear that she hadn't told FIL the whole story, and made out that I had viciously attacked her confused. She soon backtracked on that when I asked her to explain what it was I had viciously attacked her about and rebought up everything that she had said to me directly or about me to someone else. I think she honestly thought I wouldn't say it in front of other people!

Anyway, it was strained for a while. The main reason we wanted to get it out was because I was pregnant with my second child and I wasn't going to tell them whilst I was so angry.

Fast forward 2 years and actually things are pretty good. We don't see them too often but the passive aggressive comments have stopped as I think she has now realised I won't allow them to continue. Mil is much nicer now to me and interestingly, OH is much more aware now about the little things that previously would have made me see red but now I tend to let go.

mrsmuddlepies Fri 08-Mar-19 12:48:10

OP you sound sensible but all the swearing on this thread shows that for some posters it is very mainstream.

Cherrysoup Fri 08-Mar-19 21:43:33

OP you sound sensible but all the swearing on this thread shows that for some posters it is very mainstream.

In front of little children? I would be very cross if someone swore in front of dc. I said ‘fucking’ to my parents the other day, first time ever. I wanted to impress upon them how badly they had upset me. I wouldn’t dream of swearing in front of little ones.

Budsbegginingspringinsight Fri 08-Mar-19 22:13:49

Fetchez great post

FetchezLaVache Sat 09-Mar-19 16:56:29

Thanks, Buds

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