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DP shouted at me for smoking

(81 Posts)
namwchange Thu 07-Mar-19 18:24:06

DP and I both used to smoke.

After having DS, I went quite full-on with rules and stuff. I was untrusting of people around him, I was paranoid that others thought I was a bad parent. I was quite extreme in some ways with it (I'm not really sure what other words to put it in).
One way was that I had told DP how furious I'd be if he smoked when we had DS. I didn't want second-hand smoke on him, I didn't want to be a bad role model as a parent, I didn't want to spend unnecessary money. I believe I told him at one point that I'd split with him if he started smoking behind my back (I wouldn't have I don't think, but I did feel really extreme about it).

DS is almost 2 now. I've been going through a bad time with my mental health and just feeling lost and detached and haven't felt able to speak to DP. He found tobacco today and when I admitted that I had actually been smoking the past few weeks (about one a day), he shouted and said I was a hypocrite, called me a disgusting person (infront of DS), said he was extremely disappointed and all of this. I expected him to ask why/what had happened as it was out of character for me but he just shouted. I get his point but I just feel like it was very harsh, especially infront of DS.

Am I being really unreasonable here? Or is he being slightly unreasonable too? It seems like such a petty thing to argue about but it's hit me.

Shoppingwithmother Thu 07-Mar-19 18:26:18

Yes, YABU, but this sounds like a reverse to me

MissionItsPossible Thu 07-Mar-19 18:27:24

That sounds like something a parent would say, not a partner and whilst it might be a bad habit it does not make you a ‘disgusting person’. It may be hypocritical as you imposed a decision in extremity in the first place but I don’t think you are being really unreasonable either

NameChangeNugget Thu 07-Mar-19 18:27:34


Loopytiles Thu 07-Mar-19 18:28:19

Sorry about your MH issues.

You were indeed hypocritical, and smoking is obviously not good for you, but his reaction sounds disproportionate.

Pk37 Thu 07-Mar-19 18:29:07

Think you’re both just as bad .
You went all guns blazing about how bad it is and then did it yourself.
You can’t blame him for being angry.
Did he need to shout ? Not at all but you must see how it looks to him considering how militant you were about smoking .
As for the not asking why you were smoking, I probably wouldnt ask either .

Crunchycrunchycrunchy Thu 07-Mar-19 18:30:17

YABU. I agree that you are being hypocritical, and what's more, you did it behind his back.

ShabbyAbby Thu 07-Mar-19 18:30:32

I know how it is @namwchange
I was really paranoid about smoke from other people (anxiety) but ended up lapsing myself after kids (PTSD and depression related). Sometimes my illnesses are bloody hypocrites. Sorry you are struggling x

Purpleartichoke Thu 07-Mar-19 18:34:18

My partner exposing our child to cigarette smoke would probably garner more screaming from me than if he had cheated. You expected him to hold your hand and ask you what is wrong? Don’t be ridiculous

ElspethFlashman Thu 07-Mar-19 18:35:49

I don't think he's being massively unreasonable. He was a bit blindsided, especially as you had been an anti smoking zealot not too long ago. He just didn't expect it and felt betrayed given how you were with him.

And of course second hand smoke is damaging for a 2 year old too!

summerisgone Thu 07-Mar-19 18:35:58

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to expect him to be OK with it.

Smoking is a foul, stinky, vile habit, but I know it's very addictive and hard to stop. And even when you do, you are never a non-smoker, you are an ex-smoker, and it's easy to slip back into it, if you're not careful (or are going through a rough time.)

I am sorry you are having a rough time, but please try to give it up. I have known several people leave a partner/spouse for starting to smoke/re-starting smoking. It is literally a dealbreaker for some.

namwchange Thu 07-Mar-19 18:37:26

I get that it's no justification for it but it's been about once a day and only while I've been at work (hours before coming home to DS). Still not okay and I recognise that but I don't stand and have a cigarette with DS anywhere near and I don't spend my day chainsmoking. It really just is a pathetic out for how I feel!

Meandmetoo Thu 07-Mar-19 18:40:36

Well, tbf you can't tell someone you'd split with them for smoking behind your back and then get pissy when you get caught doing that very thing.

But that being said, if you've told him it's because you're having a bad time etc and he's just being an arse instead of supportive, then he's being a bit of a dick.

ElspethFlashman Thu 07-Mar-19 18:40:47

Yeah but all of those things he could easily have said after you had the baby and you still wouldn't have accepted any of it.

So why should he?

Besides, smoking always ramps up. Always. And there's always an excuse.

Butterymuffin Thu 07-Mar-19 18:42:46

But when you ranted at him about this you didn't leave room for justification or excuses. So yes, you have been hypocritical and fair enough that he called you on it. You were harsh about all this first, he's only taking the point of view you did. So yes, you are being unreasonable. Get some help for your difficulties right now, but apologise to your DP for this.

Dimsumlosesum Thu 07-Mar-19 18:44:21

Yes, yabu, and hugely hypocritical.

There's a short uk programme on YouTube "spoilt rotten", part of the programme shows the effects passive smoking has on children's hearing. Ie causing glue ear, etc. The parents in the programme refused to believe the doctors and nurses about what their smoking, when they were bringing it in in their hair and clothes etc, the damage it was doing to their children. You should watch it.

TacoLover Thu 07-Mar-19 18:44:23

it's been about once a day and only while I've been at work (hours before coming home to DS). Still not okay and I recognise that but I don't stand and have a cigarette with DS anywhere near and I don't spend my day chainsmoking.

If your DP had done this and given this to you as a reason you would've yelled at him exactly as he did at you so why is he not allowed to be angry?

Houseonahill Thu 07-Mar-19 18:44:45

I think the issue is you not telling him rather than the smoking itself, if my partner told me something was a redline for them in a relationship and then I found them doing it behind my back I would be mightily pissed off too.

KatnissKringle Thu 07-Mar-19 18:44:48

Well you threatened to leave him over it and then you do it secretly! I'd be pissed off too in his shoes. YABU.

Wolfiefan Thu 07-Mar-19 18:46:57

You said you’d be furious if he smoked.
He’s furious you smoked.
Massive hypocrisy. Can see why he’s pissed off.
Smoking won’t cure MH issues so not sure what the link is.

Gatehouse77 Thu 07-Mar-19 18:47:19

Do you know why you didn't tell him you were struggling and had been having the odd smoke?
Maybe he's more upset about that but the smoking is easier to say?

TacoLover Thu 07-Mar-19 18:49:03

I don't think his reaction is disproportionate really. You threatened him that you would leave him if he smoked, then did it behind his back. Him yelling seems like a much less extreme response then leaving you.

TacoLover Thu 07-Mar-19 18:49:14


Intohellbutstayingstrong Thu 07-Mar-19 18:57:41

Smoking won’t cure MH issues so not sure what the link is

I think you do.
People may smoke when under stress

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone Thu 07-Mar-19 19:01:43

I think you need to ask yourself honestly how would you have reacted if you had found out he had been smoking behind your back?

That's without the added hypocrisy of all the horrible comments and threats you made against him. I don't think he was wrong to shout or to be frustrated especially with all your previous comments and the fact you had hidden it probably made the situation 10 x worse.

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