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To not visit my friend in hospital?

(23 Posts)
Februaryblooms Thu 07-Mar-19 14:23:33

My friend who lives several hours away whim I haven't seen in some years is currently in my city for an operation, without going into specifics she's not sick or in bad health but the operation is a big one.

The op is something she's been waiting to have for a long time, is a big turning point in her life and is a massive deal for her.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant but struggling massively with SPD. The dreaded 'lightening crotch' has started this week and it takes me forever to get anywhere, wincing as I go. My daily 1/2 mile walk to the local shops has become increasingly difficult and I'm constantly exhausted and in pain. I had a thread on here last week moaning about how rubbish I feel and could cry most days as it hurts so much. I feel almost housebound now as my DP has had to start doing the shopping after work because I can't manage the pram / shopping / walking.

I don't drive so getting to the hospital she's at would mean navigating several modes of public transport across the (big) city, with a 14 month old in a pram (and not all the stations along the way are pram friendly either and I don't have anybody to accompany me and help me lift the pram up and down the escalators so I don't even know how I'd manage that).

Prior to her being admitted for the OP I said I'd be going to visit her but I really don't think I'm up to it and feel tremendously guilty about the prospect of telling her this.

WIBU to not go and explain to her why, or will I look like selfish and unsupportive?

Do I just suck it up and push myelf to go? WWYD?

She's not on her own and has her partner here with her, but it's the fact I had told her I'd be going.

gudrunandtheseeress Thu 07-Mar-19 14:25:14

She'll be fine, but why are you so guilty about this?

Februaryblooms Thu 07-Mar-19 14:26:19

I just feel awful about the fact I told her I'd be going to visit, and then backing out now she's here.

I think If I was her I'd feel quite let down. I may be projecting though.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 07-Mar-19 14:27:12

She's not on her own and has her partner here with her, but it's the fact I had told her I'd be going

Tell her the circumstances. If she's any kind of friend she wouldn't want you to put yourself through that on her behalf. Maybe ask if there's anything you can send to her instead?

Corneliusmurphy Thu 07-Mar-19 14:41:49

I don’t think you’d be able to take the 14 month old into the ward anyway? I certainly couldn’t when my step dad was ill, we took it turns sitting in the lift area with her and going into him. You’re not well enough to make the trip and no one should be expecting you to.

Thisisnotadrill Thu 07-Mar-19 14:42:47

Is it a boob job? grin

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon Thu 07-Mar-19 14:45:17

Video call?

outpinked Thu 07-Mar-19 14:47:21

Has she even remembered that you’d promised to visit? Will she even be bothered that you can’t? YANBU not to go at all, it’s too much hassle even without the SPD imo.

Februaryblooms Thu 07-Mar-19 14:53:25

It's not a boob job no grin

To be fair she's messaged me since arriving, and after the operation to say it went well and she hasn't mentioned my promise to visit.

I could be worrying over nothing and it's possible she hasn't given it a seconds thought. It's because I know I told her I'd be going so I'm assuming she's sat waiting for me to go, or bring it up, so I'm feeling like there's an elephant in the room.

It didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be able to take DS in onto the ward actually..

BlueMerchant Thu 07-Mar-19 14:53:34

Does OH drive? Could he take you and wait in car while you popped in for half an hour? Or anyone who could?
I'd maybe find out what ward she is on and send a lovely card and letter.

ineedaholidaynow Thu 07-Mar-19 14:53:39

Will she still be there at the weekend? Could your DP take you then and look after your DC, whilst you visited?

Caterina99 Thu 07-Mar-19 14:59:45

I wouldn’t take a 14m old to visit someone in hospital. If they’d even be allowed in. Far too many germs (and I’m no germophobe) and no one wants a toddler shrieking and destroying the place when they’re recovering from surgery.

Just say sorry I can’t visit as I have the little one. If there’s a way you could go on an evening or weekend that avoids the public transport issue then I’d do that.

Februaryblooms Thu 07-Mar-19 15:00:55

DP doesn't drive either unfortunately, he cycles to and from work usually.

I'd feel a bit cheeky asking anybody else for a lift but that may be an option if I were to offer petrol money or buy lunch.

Not entirely sure how long she's going to be here I should really ask.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 07-Mar-19 15:03:06

Why are you worrying about this so much?

Just tell her what you've told us and say 'Sorry, awful timing but nothing I can do.' Wish her a speedy recovery and get in touch when baby arrives.

ApolloandDaphne Thu 07-Mar-19 15:11:33

Send a card and a basket of fruit. Job done.

FFSFFSFFS Thu 07-Mar-19 15:21:14

Can you send her some flowers?

FFSFFSFFS Thu 07-Mar-19 15:21:43

Or a moon pig card with personalised photos (if appropriate) is a cheap alternative that I think can actually mean much more

Seaweed42 Thu 07-Mar-19 15:28:30

If it were me I would ring her and a have a chat on the phone. If you are only messaging each other then you only have a messaging relationship anyway.
Give the woman a call. Tell you were going to visit but at the minute things have deteriorated and you cannot walk. Simple as. She will be fine with it.

trulybadlydeeply Thu 07-Mar-19 15:31:28

It's not like you can't be bothered, it's that it's extremely difficult for you to get there at present. Just call/text and explain, tell her that you have SPD, and just can't make it in to see her, otherwise you'd have loved to have gone in. I think it's best to be upfront and honest, otherwise she might be wondering why you haven't popped in.

Fraying Thu 07-Mar-19 15:32:49

If she was a very good friend, I'd consider getting DH to watch your DC and then take a taxi or an uber to the hospital on your own. Yy it's extravagant but presumably you don't see each other much because she lives so far away. And it might actually be nice for you to get out and see her. It's so miserable feeling housebound.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 07-Mar-19 17:23:40

Would her partner be able to take you? It's not your fault if you can't manage it. Is there any kind of gesture you could make like sending something to her house when she gets back?

sackrifice Thu 07-Mar-19 17:32:01

Does your friend not know you have a child and are very pregnant?

OMGithurts Thu 07-Mar-19 17:34:50

You really can't bring your toddler. I couldn't see the back of visiting toddlers fast enough after surgeries, and they were my own kids.

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