Gossip that has gone very wrong

(754 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

ChorltonCreamery Thu 07-Mar-19 14:19:51

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

OP’s posts: |
WellThisIsShit Thu 07-Mar-19 14:23:31

I’d start by saying sorry. Properly.
Oh dear.

MuddyMoose Thu 07-Mar-19 14:24:45

Take it as a lesson to act like a group of adults & not a bunch of adolescents. If none of you were prepared to say whatever was said to A's face then it shouldn't of been talked about behind her back. Her relationship or personal life has nothing to do with anyone else & I'd be hurt & upset if I was her. Apologise, learn & move on.

Sarcelle Thu 07-Mar-19 14:24:49

I would forget about it. If you can't and you feel she overreacted, perhaps send her a card to say sorry that she was upset but that it was an observation not a malicious slur. I guess that is one of the drawbacks of listening to gossip, even passively. You are guilty by association or seen as complicit.

Floofboopsnootandbork Thu 07-Mar-19 14:25:28

Uhh how about apologising to your friend and taking some responsibility. Yes you may not have initiated the conversation but you joined in and didn’t make any effort to stop it.

Prinstress Thu 07-Mar-19 14:25:31

Apologise. And put yourself in her shoes for a second.

Sarcelle Thu 07-Mar-19 14:27:09

Re-reading it, I see you joined in rather than just listened. You should definitely apologise.

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Redglitter Thu 07-Mar-19 14:29:03

One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad

Seriously they were excluded because a grown man found it weird to talk to an older man??? Sounds like she's well rid of you all if thats the mentality. Thats so ridiculous

MotherToMany Thu 07-Mar-19 14:29:23

Why was what she said to the teenager 'unforgivable' but you all gossiping about her and her husband isn't?

People are ostracising them because they don't want to speak to a man old enough to be their father?

You all sound nasty, bitchy and jealous. I hope she gives you a wide berth.

FriarTuck Thu 07-Mar-19 14:30:32

If some of your group are being sick and having migraines then how is A going to be feeling about it? I would guess extremely hurt and betrayed for starters. So how would you usually deal with someone who was hurt and betrayed? It doesn't matter that you didn't start it if you joined in. If you'd sat there and said nothing but hadn't objected then I'd say you owed her an apology for not standing up to them but it would be excusable. But if you joined in then the apology has to be a lot bigger and you need to accept that she's not going to trust you or probably want anything to do with you again.
Don't just forget about it as a PP suggested. A won't be able to so why should you? Accept responsibility for making someone else feel like crap.

Cheby Thu 07-Mar-19 14:32:23

Apologise. Definitely. I’m glad A was strong enough to call you all out on your crappy behaviour.

DoneLikeAKipper Thu 07-Mar-19 14:32:49

If you can't and you feel she overreacted, perhaps send her a card to say sorry that she was upset but that it was an observation not a malicious slur

Whatever you do, don’t under any circumstances follow this advice. Who on Earth sends someone a card saying ‘sorry you got upset about being gossiped about and left out, but it was only observational gossiping, so get over it’.

OP, you and your mates got what you deserved in my opinion. Either work on your grovelling apology (with no ifs or buts), or keep away from her.

Dragongirl10 Thu 07-Mar-19 14:32:58

Well op you all got exactly what you deserved, l am VERY impressed with her Chutzpa to call you all out, including asking if a teen had been brought up that way!

Learn to judge less fast and gossip less so.

BlueCornishPixie Thu 07-Mar-19 14:33:05

I mean I would start with a massive apology.

I don't know why everyone else was being so dramatic, someone was sick? Someone has migraine. Ffs! If your gonna gossip about someone behind their back at least own it when your found out.

It's hardly gossip of the century, marrying an older man. And why couldn't the husband talk to an older man? Does he not work with people older than him? Does he not have parents hmm this is all mountain out of a molehill

MargoLovebutter Thu 07-Mar-19 14:33:15

No wonder she was angry, it sounds like really hurtful gossip.

Whether you specifically said anything uncharitable or not about your friend, A, isn't the issue, you were there when it happened and it sounds as though you did nothing to stop it. An apology is definitely in order. If you aren't brave enough to do it to her face, then you should send a card or email.

DwayneDibbly Thu 07-Mar-19 14:33:21

I'm afraid you don't come across well here, OP. Who gives a shiny shit if her partner is older? She's obviously happy and so are her children. Perhaps the issue is jealousy? A charismatic woman with fantastic kids, and you all got together over lunch and salivated over her personal life. Apologise if you'd like, but I reckon she's well shot of you all as friends.

Bluntness100 Thu 07-Mar-19 14:33:23

One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad

WTAF? How does he get through his daily life? What's wrong with him?

And one woman was sick! Another had a migraine? I suggest you a,, grow the fuck up.

I'm cringing for you.

Gazelda Thu 07-Mar-19 14:33:53

* If some of your group are being sick and having migraines then how is A going to be feeling about it?*

This.

How would you expect your DC to handle the situation if they knew they'd joined in with something that hurt one of their friends?

Apologise. But don't expect to be forgiven or ever be friends with the woman again. What you all did was nasty.

JRMisOdious Thu 07-Mar-19 14:34:20

You all need to apologise.
Struggling to understand why an adult male, a father, would feel “weird” having to talk to someone who was, shock, much older than him. He’s the one with the problem, not A’s husband. Is he an imbecile?

Cheby Thu 07-Mar-19 14:34:25

Also, one of your group was sick because they’d been called out on their shitty behaviour? Christ, are you all that dramatic? Way to attempt to pull focus from the person who has ACTUALLY been wronged.

Jupiters Thu 07-Mar-19 14:35:06

Why was what she said to the teenager 'unforgivable' but you all gossiping about her and her husband isn't? This!

Apologise to her. You and the group are in the wrong, don't try and deflect this back on her. How would you feel if you found out a group of friends were gossiping about you behind your back? Even if you did not take an active part in the gossiping you made no move to stop it.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 07-Mar-19 14:35:32

That is just awful and I wouldn't be surprised if A doesn't want anything to do with any of you. I would give a heartfelt apology, that's all you can do.

Wallsbangers Thu 07-Mar-19 14:35:39

Can I be friends with A? She sounds great. The rest of you on the other hand.....

thegreatbeyond Thu 07-Mar-19 14:35:47

Migraines and being sick around corners? This all sounds very dramatic. It is certainly ridiculous not to invite folk around because they are the 'wrong age' but I'm curious as to what was actually said to cause such a huge scene.

KindnessCrusader Thu 07-Mar-19 14:35:48

So a group of women went out and bitched about one of your friends who sounds perfectly nice and now your nice friend is really hurt and angry? And instead of apologising when confronted, one of the group was sick?! Have I read that right?!

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