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He's watching porn in the next room and searching hot coworkers

(19 Posts)
JennyJ20319 Thu 07-Mar-19 12:11:54

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year. We used to work with each other (although didn’t know each other well) and he asked me out on a date after hearing I was single. We were both single when we met (me very newly so). He’s been divorced for a few years (she left him and no history of cheating as far as I’m aware). The first six months everything was great, but then in the last few months, and since moving in together, I’ve noticed a few things that have been playing on my mind and I need to know if I’m reading into things or if I have good reason to be concerned. I overheard him watching porn on his phone when I was in the room next door. It was so humiliating knowing that my boyfriend, who I haven’t even been with for a year yet, was more interested in watching porn in the bathroom than having sex with me in the room next to him. I’m am very sexually active and seem to want sex a lot more than him so this was a real blow to my self-esteem knowing that he preferred to do that. I confronted him about it and he was really embarrassed and said it was no reflection on how he felt about me, but it's made me question how he feels about me. Then when using his phone to grab a number one day, I noticed that he had left his Facebook screen open (he has an old account with nothing on it that he supposedly never uses) and it showed he had looked up two different women on there that I figured out were people he recently interviewed for his team (now one of them works for him). Both of these women are young, very attractive with blonde hair and blue eyes. Initially I thought he was just checking what these people were like before he hired them, but he didn’t search for any of the men he had interviewed so it was quite clear that he was just having a perve. I consider myself attractive and have no problem getting a guy, but I have black hair and am nothing like the women he is looking at. Also, a few months ago, an attractive blonde who he works with looked at my LinkedIn profile, she also messages him on his WhatsApp although I haven’t seen the messages. Why would a woman he works with be interested in looking at her co-worker’s partner’s LinkedIn profile? Especially when she would know full well that I would get a notification saying she had looked me up? Did she want me to ask him about it? Make me aware of her presence? When I asked him about it he dismissed it like I was some jealous, green-eyed monster. He’s also told me that before we got together he was seeing someone he worked with and that it didn’t work out for whatever reason. So he clearly has no issue dating people he works with (I also know that she is blonde and looks a lot like the other women). There’s a lot I feel insecure about in this relationship as he told me on our first date that he did everything to try and save his previous marriage work and so I already feel like his unwanted plan B. Don't get me wrong, he is really lovely to me, he’s a good looking guy, has a great job and friends and other than this our relationship is great, but I can’t help feel insecure about this and wonder if it’s something I should be concerned about a raise with him. Am I being over the top? I feel like I'm going mad!

LessLivid Thu 07-Mar-19 12:14:26

It shouldn’t be this hard after less than a year.

EstrellaDamn Thu 07-Mar-19 12:14:35

I'm not even going to read that post - but judging by the title alone, I'm going to ask why you've not chucked his stuff out in the street, or walked our yourself?

"He is really lovely to me"

He really, really, really isn't.

U2HasTheEdge Thu 07-Mar-19 12:17:06

If I was you I would cut my losses and leave.

A year in and you are feeling insecure in the relationship? They are meant to be fun, especially early on.

Porn is a deal breaker for me anyway but he sounds like a sleaze.

I don't think you are overreacting thanks

ByeGermsByeWorries Thu 07-Mar-19 12:24:51

I'd leave now. Looking up female applicant's profiles on fb is creepy. Porn is a deal breaker for me also.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 07-Mar-19 12:29:07

I don’t see an issue with the porn. Sometimes I just want some me time and so will watch it even if DH is in the house. It doesn’t change how I feel about him; it’s healthy to explore your own body and spend time just on yourself.

As for the co-worker issue, I think that’s a whole other kettle of fish and depends entirely on how it makes you feel. If you’re insecure and questioning yourself, and you’ve only been together a year, maybe he’s not the man for you.

NCforthis2019 Thu 07-Mar-19 12:37:11

You sound like you don’t trust him - in your situation I would say leave him.

MrsTerryPratcett Thu 07-Mar-19 12:41:33

Looking up female applicant's profiles on fb is creepy.

Aren't there also privacy implications of a potential employer seeking information without consent?

Some of the stuff is irrelevant though. It's good that he worked hard on his marriage. That doesn't diminish you.

JennyJ20319 Thu 07-Mar-19 12:45:42

That's one of my biggest concerns, if he's doing this now, what is he gong to be like in years to come? It's bad enough to look at other women in that way, but so early on in our relationship just makes me feel even more worthless.

HollowTalk Thu 07-Mar-19 12:46:42

Why are you even thinking of carrying on a relationship with this man? Do you think any relationship is better than none?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 07-Mar-19 12:47:49

Aren't there also privacy implications of a potential employer seeking information without consent?

Nope. If your Facebook profile is public, there are no privacy concerns. Lots of companies now genuinely look up applicants social media to get an idea of what type of person they are.

JennyJ20319 Thu 07-Mar-19 12:49:47

Thanks for the responses, I accept that some people watch porn, but to know he chose that over having sex with me is what hurts. If I wasn't there I would probably feel different about it. I just feel like I'm not his type and he's just settled for me, every time we pass a blonde woman now I'm convinced he's checking her out.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Thu 07-Mar-19 12:56:35

but to know he chose that over having sex with me is what hurts

Just because you’re horny it doesn’t mean you want sex. You might want a quick sort out and not want it to go on too long, or you might just want some me time.

It’s not about choosing porn/masturbating over you so no need to try and make it into that.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 07-Mar-19 12:59:40

Please pay attention to what EVERYONE is going to say on this thread.

This is where you have a choice- right here, right now, while you've only been with this dickwad LESS THAN A YEAR!

Get rid. Save yourself potentially YEARS of wasting time and just have the sense to say 'I am so sorry, I really don't think we are compatible' and GET RID!!

You will look back and be so relieved. Be that woman, NOT the woman who looks back in five years and thinks 'why the FUCK did I not get rid when I saw the warning signs? I've wasted years'.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 07-Mar-19 13:01:15

You really don't need to overthink this. It's not about hair colour.

It's just about him being a bit of a twat, and you're now seeing it because you've moved in together.

He's just not very nice, and he will cheat.

He would do the same if you were as blonde as an eight week old Labrador puppy.

Just get rid!

GabriellaMontez Thu 07-Mar-19 13:01:40

It certainly wouldn't work for me. I'd end it for the porn alone.

Maybe all the porn is the reason his desire for sex with you is low?

Is there anything wonderful about him? Is he paying his way?

Sarcelle Thu 07-Mar-19 13:04:28

You get one life. Don't waste time on this loser.

Calzone Thu 07-Mar-19 13:04:59

I can’t be bothered to read your post.

Ditch him.

AwayToday Thu 07-Mar-19 13:24:32

You know what you've got to do.

So just do it.

He's a bit odd, he's into other women, he likes porn and watches it when you're around even though you have plenty of sex.

He's weird!

He wants more than you can offer him. He's the problem, not you.

If you want to feel permanently insecure, stay with him.

If you want to find someone who truly loves you for being you and doesn't have commitment/porn issues, dump him.

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