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This is not the best plan to get DSS on-side

(50 Posts)
whatdoyouwantfromme Thu 07-Mar-19 11:00:23

In brief DSS has distanced his self from me and DH. He is starting to see DH, but for short periods on his terms. DH is getting sick of it and wants to break the cycle.
Asked DSS if he wants to go to parkrun on sat, DSS said no (DH thinks it's because I'll be there)
So DH sends me a txt, today - fancy bowling sat with DSS and I. I immediately reply, yes can't wait, thinking maybe DSS is coming around. Get home and turns out that DSS thinks he's going bowling with his Dad - no mention of me, I asked what had caused the 360 etc. DH said, I'm sick of being dictated to. We are spending the day together, he'll need to get on with, it's not like he can cause a scene in public.
AIBU to think this ambush will back fire in spectacular fashion and want no part ......or does DH has the right approach?
(teen DSS)

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 07-Mar-19 11:02:11

I think I agree with you. Presumably there is a back-story here?

BricksInTheWall Thu 07-Mar-19 11:06:20

Why doesn't he want to spend time with you?

If he thinks he is going to spend time with just his Dad and you turn up, it will backfire spectacularly yes. Probably in the form of DSS not trusting his Dad anymore and refusing to see him again incase you turn up too when right now it clearly isn't what he wants.

Hard to advise properly without the backstory though.

Birdie6 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:06:42

DSS said no (DH thinks it's because I'll be there)

DSS is a teenager - surely your DH can speak to him about this, rather than guessing and then deciding to force the issue.

DH doesn't really know what is going on - in your position I'd encourage him to actually speak about it to DSS . Man to man and all that. If they are both frank with each other, perhaps your DH might find that it isn't what he'd been thinking at all.

Teenagers can be difficult at the best of times - I agree with you that your husband's forceful approach could backfire in a really bad way. A 1-1 talk would be much more useful for everyone. Good luck !

whatdoyouwantfromme Thu 07-Mar-19 11:08:06

DH has tried talking he won't engage with him on the topic let alone enter into a man to man discussion.

ElloBrian Thu 07-Mar-19 11:08:21

What’s the back story here?

HK20 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:09:23

How old is DSS?

Katterinaballerina Thu 07-Mar-19 11:14:09

It’s tricky because a lot of teenagers would like to only see their parents ‘for short periods on (their) terms.’ Including those who live with both parents! Your DH is risking making it about you when it (probably) isn’t.

whatdoyouwantfromme Thu 07-Mar-19 11:17:29

Not quite a teen yet.
Not the other woman.
DSS went through phase of anger with DH for leaving him, they are working through this but he still is angry with me.
DSS blames me for his mum and his lifestyle. If it wasn't for me, mum and dad would still be together. In his eyes.
He thinks DH spends us his money on me and that doesn't leave much for them. Reality is I bring a lot to the table in terms of earning.
Ex very bitter. Never married to DH or in a long term relationship.
That's the back story..

Drum2018 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:22:37

I'm guessing Dss just wants to spend the time with his dad. I'd afford him that chance while things are strained. He certainly will never open up if you are there so let them have a few weeks where Dh can build up trust between them and see about you joining them for activities in another few weeks. Maybe dss needs to talk to his dad and feels frustrated if he doesn't get time alone with him.

Weezol Thu 07-Mar-19 11:24:10

Please don't go along with the 'ambush' - your instinct is right. Is your DH usually this clueless?

DoneLikeAKipper Thu 07-Mar-19 11:24:34

Ok, seriously with the greatest of respect - how many times are you going to start these threads about your stepson/your current situation? It seems to be at least once a week (that’s just the ones I click unintentionally), you get advice and yet here’s another thread again. What new information are you looking for?

Not sure why I’m pointing this out, you name-change and start yet another thread moaning about your stepson and his ex hmm.

Katterinaballerina Thu 07-Mar-19 11:26:25

Maybe it’s better for your DH to go along with the way his DS wants things for the time being to keep their relationship going. It must be difficult for the DS if his mother puts him in the middle of this and shares her unhappiness about the split and her current situation. He may feel disloyal seeing his father. I understand that you both must feel frustrated with this but if he’s already under emotional pressure from his mother maybe you could keep things low key and on his terms for now.

whywhywhy6 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:26:36

Don’t ambush him.

fargo123 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:34:01

Ok, seriously with the greatest of respect - how many times are you going to start these threads about your stepson/your current situation? It seems to be at least once a week (that’s just the ones I click unintentionally), you get advice and yet here’s another thread again. What new information are you looking for?

Glad I wasn't the only one thinking this.

HomeMadeMadness Thu 07-Mar-19 11:37:26

Ok, seriously with the greatest of respect - how many times are you going to start these threads about your stepson/your current situation? It seems to be at least once a week (that’s just the ones I click unintentionally), you get advice and yet here’s another thread again. What new information are you looking for?

Why shouldn't OP keep posting threads? I hate these sort of unkind responses. Not everyone has a big support network they can talk things through with in person. You don't have to respond to a thread but why moan about it being there?

HK20 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:41:29

I'd suggest your DH takes DSS bowling alone, then suggests coming back to yours for a takeaway. That way he can gently encourage DSS to spend time with you without the ambush?

BettyDuMonde Thu 07-Mar-19 11:44:27

Can you let them bowl alone and join them for drinks/snacks after?

Forcing it will likely backfire in the long run, although I understand DH’s exasperation.

I have a DSD of a similar age and she has told other adults that she feels ok with me because ‘she doesn’t try too hard’ and ‘you can’t trust people who try too hard’.

lavenderbluedilly Thu 07-Mar-19 11:44:52

I agree YANBU, it’s not fair of your DH to surprise DSS like this.

My teen DS loves my DH (his step dad) but I can guarantee he’d prefer to go bowling with just me.

lavenderbluedilly Thu 07-Mar-19 11:45:48

Oh god, I’ve just realised it’s you again 😩

DoneLikeAKipper Thu 07-Mar-19 11:47:04

Why shouldn't OP keep posting threads? I hate these sort of unkind responses.

I’m not being unkind. If the op came back to one of their (many) other threads on this, then the information from them and advice already given is already there. Instead, this poster obviously doesn’t like the answers they get, so post again like it’s a new problem and starts the whole thing over again. I’m not trying to police how many times people post, I just think the op should stop thinking others on here won’t recognise them after they post the same thing several times over.

Cocobean30 Thu 07-Mar-19 11:48:13

My dad used to pull stuff like this because I didn’t like his (now ex) wife (turns out I was right all along) and it just made me resentful and anxious as I never knew what was going to happen and I couldn’t trust him or feel respected. I’m NOT saying you are a bad step mum or anything like mine, but your DH needs to ease DSS in to this. Ambush will just make him angry and pull away.

flamingofridays Thu 07-Mar-19 11:55:15

i’m not trying to police how many times people post

yes you are. The whole point of this website is for people to connect with others who can offer help/advice.

if you don't like a thread, don't comment on it. Its really as simple as that.

BartonHollow Thu 07-Mar-19 11:56:20

Slightly off topic

Interestingly there's a few posters at this malarkey of late and they are all or purport to be stepmums

There's a common MNism where people say

"Oh a stepmum on MN? Prepare to get bashed

"Oh a stepmum on MN prepare to sacrifice everything for your stepchildren or be called a bitch"

"Don't you know you can't do anything right as a stepmum OP?"

But they are usually posts from fellow SMs IME

As neither a Mum or SM what I have noticed overwhelmingly is a trend for SMs who HATE their stepchildren, post dreadful heartbreaking threads about them and then start new threads when those threads don't pan out.

I've yet to encounter the stepmum being bashed just for being a stepmum

Something else though, never trust the assertion they aren't the OW, everyone KNOWS to say that

WatcherintheRye Thu 07-Mar-19 11:58:01

I think you're right op. Point out to your dh that it's quite natural for his ds to want to spend one-to-one, the little time they have together. Unfortunately, but obviously, his ds has a completely different perspective on your relationship, to that if your dh, and isn't ready to play happy families.

He has to be given time to establish a good relationship with his dad before he can be expected to look for the positives in his dad's relationship with you. You sound as though you are tuned in to your dss feelings more than your dh in this respect. Hopefully with time and enough space, dss will be able to appreciate you for the thoughtful person you are, and you can eventually forge a bond with him.

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