To be upset about this?

[BasinHaircut]

I arranged a night out with some friends for next weekend. Plans were made about 5 weeks ago to ‘go for drinks’ in the local town. 7 friends said yes. Great. It’s also the weekend after my birthday so although I wasn’t arranging as something for my birthday (I don’t normally bother because I always feel let down), someone suggested it could be birthday drinks on the group chat. Ok I said, any excuse.

Anyway, fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and one of these friends mentioned to me that her and another of these friends were planning a meal at a new place in town on that night and did I want to join them. I said that was the night I’d planned the drinks. Neither had remembered which did make me feel a bit disappointed as we are talking about really close friends here. I suggested that we could do that instead on that date if everyone was up for it.

Fast forward again to last night and I put out a message to the group chat asking if everyone was ok with the change of plan and to let me know so I could book a table or not. Every single other person responded that they couldn’t make that night as they had other plans.

AIBU that that had made me feel like utter shit?

It’s not about celebrating my birthday, or that they can’t attend this particular night, but it’s about the fact that every single one of my closest friends either didn’t think it was important enough to remember in the first place, or didn’t think twice about blowing me out (and even bother to let me know till I asked).

After all of the blow outs I replied just saying ‘good to know that you all had the date in your diaries then!’ And only 1 friend replied saying she was so sorry. No one else has bothered.

Im feeling a bit low at the moment so just wanted a sense check. I am really quite upset that I am clearly not important enough to any one of them to have a bit more regard for plans they had already made with me. They had a better offer and took it. Every last one of them. AIBU to have taken this so badly?

[HK20]

YANBU - you have shitty friends. Especially if they can't attend because they've made other plans, rather than a family emergency/unable to get a babysitter etc.

[BricksInTheWall]

They're shit friends. Don't waste your sadness on them. They're wasting nothing on you, not even their precious time.

⚘🍫

[whywhywhy6]

YANBU. They are all shit.

[Fiveredbricks]

All shit. Though tbh you did plan it quite far in advance. Are you sure you're as close to them all as you think?

[BasinHaircut]

I was MOH for one and bridesmaid for 2 of the others, all fairly recently. They are my oldest friends and are the people I see the most often. Their kids and mine are all like cousins. Yes we are close.

I’m not sure 5 weeks is too far in advance when you are talking about people with families and finding a date that suits all?

[Drum2018]

It really is a nightmare trying to organise a night out, trying to suit everyone, but you'd given plenty of notice and they seemed to be on board. I'd be annoyed too if they all forgot. Are you going to go ahead for the meal with the 2 girls?

[BasinHaircut]

I don’t know drum I’m not sure I feel like it at all under the circumstances. Even though at the time of it coming up I agreed to do the meal, now it just feels like my plans weren’t good enough for them (or anyone else) and so to sit there with them doing what they had decided to do instead would be like a slap in the face.

[WinkysTeatowel]

That is shit, when a date is agreed I put it in my phone calendar so I doubt double book (not terribly likely but still).

[BasinHaircut]

So do I winky.

If later there was a conflict I appreciate that people may sometimes have something else come up that they need to attend instead and that’s life. I’m really not that precious.

The friend who did say sorry has since messaged me (after I messaged her and just said that it had made me feel shit that everyone had let me down) explaining that they were invited to a wedding evening do that night. Fine. But the fact that they didn’t let me know as soon as they realised they were double booked, and when chased just did the generic ‘sorry can’t make it x’ with no further explanation is the thing that makes me feel so unimportant to them. Multiply that across an entire group of your closest friends and that’s quite a knock to the old self esteem.

[Damntheman]

Your friends are all terrible! I can't believe they haven't apologised or immediately tried to find a new date in the (near) future! I'm sorry OP, how awful :( I would be feeling royally fucked off and let down in this situation.

[HomeMadeMadness]

YANBU. That sucks. I would be upset too.

[BasinHaircut]

Thanks all. Makes me feel a bit better to know that IANBU!

They are not usually bad friends, but I think as the low maintenance one of the group I do probably get a bit overlooked sometimes.

I’m sure they don’t think anything of it so don’t realise that it’s made me feel so bad, but then that’s kind of the issue at the same time!

I don’t expect a random drink I had arranged to be more important than something else such as a wedding for example, but I as a person would like to be a bit more important than I currently feel right now.

[MadameButterface]

yanbu to feel how you feel. I have a couple of perennially flaky friends and I feel like if ever they're double booked (which they often seem to be), then I'm the person that gets bailed on. I'm cutting this shit out of my life now, I never make specific plans with them - if they say 'shall we do such and such' as a group I give a non committal answer, then on the evening in question I see if a) it's actually happening and b) I feel like going, and decide then. I'm so sorry you got let down op. it's shit at any time but when it's a meaningful thing for you then it really hurts.

[MadameButterface]

I'd leave the group chat tbh

[BasinHaircut]

Just put on an episode of friends to lift my mood and can you believe it, it’s the one where Phoebe organises a dinner for her birthday and it all goes wrong because of everyone else’s agenda.

Couldn’t make it up.....

[Chloemol]

Once I had calmed down I would them send a group chat explaining how I felt, ie very let down this had been arranged for xx and it’s bad manners not to at least let you know they had taken up other offers after you all agreed the date. I would also ask them to put themselves in my shoes and how would they feel if it was done to them,? I would then go out for the meal with the 2 girls.

[ExplodingCarrots]

That's awful. Justified to be upset. Something similar happened to me recently. My 30th birthday party ...90% of guests dropped out at last minute. Most that day. Majority with awful excuses. Felt like total shit and still do. But it's made me realise who's most important to me.

[BasinHaircut]

exploding sorry to hear that. People are selfish fuckers.

In general I can count on these friends, I really can. If I really needed one of them right now they would jump straight in their cars.

It’s just that bit extra that I feel I give to people but don’t really get back. I can live with that for the most part because I don’t ask for much, but this incident where everyone has been so mindless all at the same time really drives home how I don’t get the consideration that I give.