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To never let DC on social media

(18 Posts)
beansontoastfortea Thu 07-Mar-19 10:16:50

Just that really

Reasons include:

- Unreasonable expectations of appearances due to filters, staging etc

- Upsetting &/or inappropriate content

Just the overall fake, narcissist, shallow & ridiculous nature of social media in general... mainly Facebook and Instagram.

This is especially a concern for my DD10 as I can see a major link in confidence issues, self worth and social media... I haven't let her or my DS11 go on any social media platforms as yet and I have no plans to

I would be ok with WhatsApp & messenger so they can stay in touch with friends when they're older but AIBU to just not even get started with social media?

Thisisnotadrill Thu 07-Mar-19 10:23:04

They will though so you need to manage it.

lily2403 Thu 07-Mar-19 10:23:08

Its scary i agree and i'm not looking forward to my ds asking to be part of that world.
Saying that you also don't want them to feel excluded from this technology.
Planning on strict parental control and i need to know the passwords etc (until adulthood)
I will be holding of as long as possible though

JacquesHammer Thu 07-Mar-19 10:23:53

I don’t think an outright ban is the way to go. Our rules are:-

- no access to social media accounts under the age required by the channel

- accounts to be fully locked down to highest privacy

Those two are non-negotiable. In the meantime we discuss social media regularly including its negative aspects and how to manage those.

Kismetjayn Thu 07-Mar-19 10:27:54

You can't control them forever. Why not talk to them about your concerns, and explain why they have to be careful?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Thu 07-Mar-19 10:27:59

I think the more you ban it, the mkre curious they get and are more likely to do it behind your back.

Letting them have it and being involved in it with them will actually help reduce any risk and help them use it safely.

Littleraindrop15 Thu 07-Mar-19 10:30:50

The issue is op that they will not have many friends that will relate to them and feel left out. They will be the ones who would feel left out and not part of the fun.
So it's up to you how far you want to take it. I remember resenting my parents for not allowing me to have a phone when every single person had one and my friend gave me her spare one which I used to hide and use. Being the only kid not in on the trend did more damage to my self esteem then viewing pictures of skinny models and people doing make up.

Parker231 Thu 07-Mar-19 10:33:42

Unrealistic as there are good social media platforms but use should be age appropriate. If you try and ban it you risk making it a bigger issue than it is and they will find ways to access it via friends.

waterrat Thu 07-Mar-19 10:37:27

OP be aware that what children/ teens do now is they nod along with whatever their parent says - then they use a friends phone or computer to set up an account you don't know about.

It's much better you help them learn healthy internet habits as early as possibl.e

I totally get what you are saying - I think instagram in particular is evil enough in the way it makes ADULTS feel shit - the fact we let our kids on it is tragic. Being a teen is so hard - all the FOMO that goes into their brains from instagram is just a disaster for their wellbeing.

I would be realistic, let her go on things that are age appropriate and monitor heavily - while also teaching her about influencers/ how instagram is literally designed to make you want stuff/ hate yourself / go on it all the time because it's an addiction.

I would then heaviliy restrict use at home so she has mental space to keep away from it all.

GucciDay Thu 07-Mar-19 10:41:48

It is part of youth culture nowadays. We don't have to like it but we have to accept it and manage it.

Teach them how to behave, monitor their use until they prove they can handle it. Banning anything is rarely constructive, with the exception of illegal things like alcohol etc.

MarshaBradyo Thu 07-Mar-19 10:43:21

Yep WhatsApp is ok. Ds does various groups and can laugh with his friends there

Thankfully no interest in other SM although he is a boy so maybe IG is more attractive to girls

Onceuponacheesecake Thu 07-Mar-19 10:49:41

Social media is a part of the world we live in. You can ban it but they will access it regardless. I'd put my energy into battling the issues it comes with instead.

lyralalala Thu 07-Mar-19 10:54:59

I think an outright ban on social media is as risky and pointless as a ban on junk food/fizzy drinks - it just proves to make it more desireable.

With social media as well you can't ban it forever so at some point you have a young adult/teen with no experience of how to deal with the things on there, and perhaps an inability to ask for help because they know it's banned.

Our rules are no SM until 13 (that's the age most platforms have).
Set up with us and until 16 they don't choose the password.
Periodic checks by us (which actually my three teens so far have liked as they have an easy get out for anything they don't want to do using the 'my Mum checks and she'd freak').
No adding anyone without telling us first, and no adding adults - even family/friends etc - without discussion first.
Lots and lots of discussion about the downsides of social media.

I don't want my kids to be naive to the perils of the internet and it's my job to teach them how to use it safely. I believe by just banning it then it leaves them vulnerable when they are at friends houses and the likes.

DolorestheNewt Thu 07-Mar-19 11:02:00

A friend messaged me after half term to say that she was certain social media was making her teen grumpy. Then she said that all the mothers at the school gate for her youngest were back from exotic holidays whereas she hadn't had one, and she felt depressed.

Teens get grumpy, and we compare our lives to other people's. We always did, computers or no computers. But that's not to dismiss what you're saying, I'm just making one point among many relevant points to be made.

In some senses, social media is just communication, and it doesn't do anything that wouldn't also happen in a face to face environment. It's added to the opportunity for competitiveness, and bitchiness, and self-inflicted comparison to happen, but otherwise some of it is just what's always happened in a slightly different format.

I take the point about Instagram and sites where you're being inundated with unrealistic messages from influencers and so on. That is obviously a newer development. But not completely unlike magazines and advertising, perhaps?

Talk through the difference between people's real lives and what they present on social media, discuss the way that people present a fictional view of their lives on the internet, then maybe let her onto SM? I do agree with posters saying that the risk of damage if she feels excluded is not insignificant.

heartshapedknob Thu 07-Mar-19 11:06:36

Banning it outright won’t stop them accessing it. It’s better to talk to them about potential issues, secure passwords and identity theft, not adding unknowns due to the risk of them not being who they say they are etc (I knew someone who as a 40-odd year old man made a FB account posing as a 17yo and befriended his 13yo daughters kids. His wife found the account, fucking grim all round.)

Mine will get phones the half term before the end of Y6, and will not be having apps like Insta, FB etc until they’re the required age for any particular app.
WhatsApp I don’t mind so much as it’s just an easy way to send group texts, but the same rules about behaviour will apply ie don’t type anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

beansontoastfortea Thu 07-Mar-19 11:19:19

Thanks for all your responses.

@waterrat that made me chuckle.. I got a phone behind my parents back as a teenager... it was a Bosch Orange 😂

Yes I guess I can't control them and they will find a way. I guess the way forward is to keep the privacy up, monitor home use and let them on at the right age.

I feel shit looking at some pictures on Instagram even though I understand filters etc. So worrying what this can do to a young girls self esteem.

I don't relate to a selfie culture either & im also concerned about platforms I just don't understand or even know about.. ie snapchat!

waterrat Thu 07-Mar-19 11:40:30

I have to say - I think that the opposite - the defeatist 'oh well that's what kids do now' is also very dangerous.

All the people who invented this shit in Silicon Valley - don't let their kids use it! They know it is designed to make them addicted.

DolorestheNewt yes it is true we have always loved communicating with each other - but Instagram is not an innocent extension of that. It is men - geeks - sitting in rooms discussing and planning how to monetise and build addiction from young people and adults based on our love of communication . IT is designed to hook you in and the more vulnerable you are the better - it feeds on our desire to be like others and to have what others have.

Before the internet we could only compare ourselves with people around us! Now young people tragically have the entire world constantly on display - filtred through the bullshit of social media.

So while yes they should use it as their peers do - we should be very very protective of them as much as we can in that space and arm them properly with understanding about how it works.

MargoLovebutter Thu 07-Mar-19 11:58:13

It can be a force for good too. I have been involved in more charity fund-raising, connected more frequently with far flung family members, kept in more frequent touch with friends, been involved in social action campaigns and petitions, found out about injustices more easily, laughed so much at shared videos and photos, memes etc.

I educated my DC about it, same as I did about alcohol, smoking, drugs, laws of the land, keeping safe out and about, good manners etc.

Yes, there are negatives and things you need to be aware of and your DC need to be aware of - but banning it and forcing it underground is probably the best way to ensure your DC come unstuck - in my personal opinion. I'm glad you've changed your mind beansontoastfortea

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