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to feel this way about ExH staying in my house?

(18 Posts)
PeanutB Wed 06-Mar-19 22:22:46

Quick overview - I'm currently working on an international project and as part of that required to vist Germany for five days.

I asked ExH to have DCS 6 and 8 for the five days I was away and as I have two dogs and a cat he suggested and then offered to stay at my house for the five days, I was slightly hestitant as we have been divorced for 5 years but he convinced me it would help me so i didn't need to find an alternative arrangements for the animals and DCs would be in their own home which is near the school. He lives 15 mins away (so hardly a long way) I pondered on this however eventually hestitantly agreed. I left on Tuesday afternoon and ever since leaving I have been overcome and overwhlemed by anxiety.

It's a two bedroomed house but I now feel unconfortable knowing he is sleeping in my bed, my safe space, knowing that it will smell of him and he may be rifling through my personal things in my bedroom. To add to this I'm also now paranoid he will be sleeping with other women in my bed as he cheated on me with an 18 year old which was the main reason we broke up and divorced also there was alot of EA.

However since our divorce I have been in a couple of relationships, the most recent one of which ended January of this year which was not what I wanted but we decided to take a break to focus on our careers for awhile, but with the hope of working on things, so I'm now also concerned that my last partner will also get the wrong idea and be hurt that he is in my bed. AIBU? To feel like this? I know I agreed but now that I'm away I keep having very intrusive thoughts about the situation and I'm struggling to concentrate on the work that I'm actually here for.

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:16:04

Bump - anyone?? I'm counting down the hours now until I'm home in my own bed....

M4J4 Thu 07-Mar-19 21:28:33

So not only is ex providing care for his children he is also taking care of your dogs and cat?! He's doing you a favour!

Why would your last partner find out ExH is housesitting for you and taking care of his children? And it's none of his business.

Change your sheets and open the windows when you get home, you're overthinking this!

He's a twat for cheating on you though, well done for getting rid.

MojoMoon Thu 07-Mar-19 21:29:38

It's not really about whether you are unreasonable to feel this way or not.
You do feel this way and you are already on the trip so the focus needs to be getting yourself back under control.

So what techniques can you use to stop these intrusive thoughts?
Can you go for walk? Get off your phone? Have a long hot shower?
Use a meditation app like buddify?

diabeticsanon Thu 07-Mar-19 21:30:11

god i would hate this, the bedding would be binned and everything cleaned from top to bottom, but i'm like that, hopefully someone sensible will be along shortly grin

MojoMoon Thu 07-Mar-19 21:31:40

Also he seems like he did you a favour - the animals and kids are all taken care of with minimal disruption to them
That's great. Good cooperation and co-parenting. Focus on that.
Wash the sheets and open the windows when you get home.

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:32:39

M4J4 - Yes I suppose you are right he is, however I do always feel there is an ulterior motive behind his favours and If I give an inch he is liable to take a mile, he can br very manipulative and persuasive. I do however appreciate the help with the animals but the DCs are his responsibilty also. I'm just doubting his intentions I guess.

CantWaitForSpring1 Thu 07-Mar-19 21:34:38

I second previous posters. It was a great solution that did you a favour with the pets and also caused minimum disruption for the DC. Unless he had form for snooping whilst you were together, I can’t imagine he would start now. Definitely think of him as the DCs dad and not your Ex for the rest of the week.

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:35:52

Diabeticsanon - I feel really uncomfortable, he is manipulative at the best of times and I just have this underlining feeling there is another motive or he is wanting something or going to use this for a gain in some way.

mummmy2017 Thu 07-Mar-19 21:36:07

Think of your children and pets.
They must be far less stressed being in their own home.
Second the use the money you saved on the kennels to treat yourself to brand new bedding , which you can put on the night you get home ...
So distract yourself
Think you should use Pinterest to find a set you like....

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:39:01

He walked into my property regularly when seeing the DCs and I've noticed him looking at my mail and calendars. He even read my birthday cards last year. So its not out of character he is very inquisitive lets just say.

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:39:59

Mummy2017 - pinterest for new bedding is a lovely idea!

MojoMoon Thu 07-Mar-19 21:40:13

Stop obsessing.
get off this thread.
Look for bedsheets on Pinterest
Do 100 star jumps.
Recite the alphabet backwards perfectly five times.
You are not helping yourself by obsessing on it here and asking strangers for their views on whether he is a shitty man. He is. Even if he has some ulterior motive, it is done. He is there and you are at your work.
Get off Mumsnet (in the nicest possible way)

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:41:43

Mojomoon - Yes, he did me a favour but past experience has shown he doesn't just do things for favours. Hr normally ends up the person who gets more out of it. BUT - it has done me a massive favour but given me anxiety that maybe is outweighing the benefits at present

Mmmhmmm Thu 07-Mar-19 21:42:37

I think this is always a bad idea even when the ex wasn't abusive in anyway.

PeanutB Thu 07-Mar-19 21:43:41

Mojomoon - You have made an excellent point i shall refrain from mumsnet and concentrate on my emails and presentation or maybe just a beer since I'm in the place for it.

Tucobenedicto Thu 07-Mar-19 21:44:14

Mojomoon...perfectly said

TBDO Thu 07-Mar-19 21:46:47

It sounds like your home is your safe space. Him being in it is threatening that - hence your anxiety. I would be the same, you know he’s capable of being a real arse. But it’s done - concentrate of how you’re going to freshen up the bedroom when you get home and resolve not to let yourself get in this position again.

Next time he can take care of DC at his place and you can make other arrangements for the pets.

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