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Fell out with FIL (his fault) and now we're not invited to family events

(42 Posts)
shutupyoueejit Wed 06-Mar-19 21:48:22

I posted a thread before Xmas regarding us going NC with my FIL. Basically he has refused to NOT say the N word too and in front of our children so we are no longer welcome in his house.
We haven't seen him since and have to meet MiL in secret at DHs sisters house.
Anyway, DHs sister called him today as it's our nieces birthday soon, said they were having a party for her and that FiL has said if we are going then he is not. She said she doesn't know what to do so DH just said don't worry about it we won't go and said he was giving her an 'out'.
AIBU to be absolutely fuming. I feel like she should have said to him 'ok don't come'
So now, our kids are never going to be invited to any of their cousins parties ever again. It's like we're being punished when we were not in the wrong at all.

Disclaimer; FIL is a racist dick face and him and DH literally will never speak again.

Guineapiglet345 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:51:10

Well technically you’re no not invited, you’re choosing not to go, maybe next you’ll choose to go and he will have to stay home.

Flyingfish2019 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:51:52

Not sure if I understand this. Are your children mixed race and he called them names?

user1473878824 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:53:33

Well good for you for standing up to him but you chose not to go.

Redshoeblueshoe Wed 06-Mar-19 21:54:31

I remember your last thread. Your FIL is a twat.
Can't your DH ring his DSis and say that you would all like to go

PersonaNonGarter Wed 06-Mar-19 21:55:26

Pick your battles. Don’t throw your toys out of the pram because SIL is handling her family as best she can. Just be polite and nice to SIL. Otherwise you’ve gone from Morally Right to Stroppy Grouse.

Your FIL isn’t going to change, is he? And you sound pretty clear on your position too. So, let the family in the middle manage it in the best way they think fit.

Chloemol Wed 06-Mar-19 21:59:26

So you sil is basically saying she is happy to have him in the house sharing his racist comments with her children? I would now be thinking very carefully about interaction with her if she is prepared to accept that behaviour

shutupyoueejit Wed 06-Mar-19 22:01:56

Sorry to clarify, she rang and said she doesn't know what to do- basically knowing that my DH would bow out.

No my children aren't mixed race, but he was asked to not say the word in front of the children by DH, then to make a point (cos he's a twat) said it to my 4yo. So I said something and so did DH and it escalated to being my fault as how dare I speak to him like that in his own home and how no one can tell him what he can and can't say in his own home.
I've had a baby since and he hasn't met him, nor will he ever.

I just feel so sad for my kids, they are now going to have no relationship with their cousins.
I suppose what I wanted was for SIL to tell him that if he chose not to come as we were there then that's his choice.
Don't worry I won't be saying/doing anything. I'm just angry and wanted to vent. I hate the selfish prick.

shutupyoueejit Wed 06-Mar-19 22:02:49

Oh both sisters have carried on with him like nothing has happened and clearly don't care about him using that language.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 06-Mar-19 22:09:22

He’s a twat indeed but it’s unfair to expect SIL to stick her neck out and not invite him. I get why DH did what he did.

Windowsareforcheaters Wed 06-Mar-19 22:12:27

Is it 'sticking your neck out' to deny a racist access to your children?

The vast majority of people would be appalled by that language and find it unacceptable.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 06-Mar-19 22:14:52

Of course the vast majority would be appalled but not SIL it would seem which is evident in her dilly dallying where her father is concerned.

KurriKurri Wed 06-Mar-19 22:15:18

Why won;t your children have a relationship with their cousins ? this is one birthday party, you say you MIl at your sil's house - don;t your children see thier cousins then ? Can you not arrange days out with your SIL and her children that are not on 'occasions' so there would be no need for your FIl to be invited ? Your SIL's children can come to your childrens parties and your FIl will not be invited.

I think you are right not to want to see your FIL again - he sounds a truly horrible man, but I wouldn't let your anger with him make you catastrophise what will happen with your children and their cousins, there are plenty of occasions on which they can still meet.

whiteroseredrose Wed 06-Mar-19 22:16:57

What Kurri said. Why can't your DC see their cousins at other times?

NWQM Wed 06-Mar-19 22:17:28

Why don’t you suggest doing something else for your nieces birthday? Keep lines of communication open.

screamifyouwant Wed 06-Mar-19 22:18:48

I can relate to this that we don't speak to my dad due to his nasty behaviour. So my dB won't come to any of our family occasions as my dad is not welcome. It annoys me that I'm the unreasonable one even though my dad is a nasty miserable twat but people don't like to get involved. What they don't seam to realise by saying and doing nothing they are taking sides .
No advice I'm afraid it's difficult, you can explain to her why annoyed but you may just end up being portrayed as the unreasonable one in all this unfair as it maybe .

Ohnonotuagain Wed 06-Mar-19 22:21:45

It a a massive shame that the rest of the family don't stand up to him for doing this but as they don't I think you should either go anyway or decide to do something separately with the kids.

Butchyrestingface Wed 06-Mar-19 22:24:29

Oh both sisters have carried on with him like nothing has happened and clearly don't care about him using that language.

In that case is there not every chance FiL will use the language in front of their children and they may start to use it? In which event, your children would possibly be exposed to that language anyway if they maintained contact with their cousins. sad

PopGoesTheWeaz Wed 06-Mar-19 22:26:09

Your DC can have a relationship with their cousins, it just won't be at these family events so you'll need to make a bit more of an effort. I hope, seeing as you're living in the same country (and it sounds like remotely) you don't wait for birthdays and special occasions to see family. But if that was the plan, you'll need to make another one now :/

Wellit Wed 06-Mar-19 22:26:48

I don't think your children are going to have no relationship with their cousins, they're simply missing one birthday party. You meet MIL at SIL didn't you say so aren't the children all there then?
He's a knob and won't change, your MIL has to live with him so I'd try to support her where possible as you seem to be doing to keep the relationship going for her sake.
Next birthday party just say well it's a children's birthday party so yes our children would like to come so FIL can sit that one out? Or just resign to inviting them to parties and not expecting invites in return.
Be the bigger 'man' here is my advice.

OddBodsAndGladRags Wed 06-Mar-19 22:28:06

Invite the cousins and their parents for a tea party at yours so you are still involved in each other's lives. And don't mention the FIL. Just make new events that are fun and the children enjoy

Blondebakingmumma Wed 06-Mar-19 22:29:27

I remember your last thread. Your kids won’t miss out on everything. They can still attend your dc’s birthdays and non-occasion catch-ups. If you can’t get over the kids missing out on functions SIL hosts then you can suggest alternating attendance. If you miss out this time, FIL can stay home next time

FierceMother Wed 06-Mar-19 22:31:03

Well tbh I'd have taught my kids that their grandad said naughty / mean words and they shouldn't copy.
This is what we do if a anyone lets a swear word slip out.
It all sounds really ott dramatic. Unless there's more to this than I've read here.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Wed 06-Mar-19 22:32:18


He’s a twat indeed but it’s unfair to expect SIL to stick her neck out and not invite him.

But sil wouldn’t have to not invite him. Fil said he is not going if op goes. Sil can say that’s your decision not to come.

zen1 Wed 06-Mar-19 22:37:18

Not going to one birthday party doesn’t mean your DC will have no relationship with their cousins. You can always meet at other times or invite them to yours. Don’t blame your for going NC with FIL though.

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