AIBU to ask ifyour children talk back at nanny/kindergarten teachers?

[Flyingfish2019]

AIBU to ask you how often your kids talk back at nanny/kindergarden teachers/people who give them sports lessons and so on?

Ds is going to enter school this year and typically he is a very polite and lovely boy unless he is in company of others boys who he is trying to impress (for example on the play ground) and/or something goes against his principles.
I have just been informed that he threw a tantrum in kindergarten because they cleaned the eating table with a dirty sponge (or he thought it was dirty) and he had to eat some fruits that were placed on the table.

He went to the playground with nanny and his siblings and played with some older boys. When it was time to leave he tried to hide and run away while laughing at her and when she made him leave he called her names all while looking at the older boys whom he did not know before for approvement.

In kindergarten he often climbs/tassels/jumps at other boys. They tell me he has a very high activity level. He also tries to impress them by doing dangerous things.

It is very odd because he never talks back to me or his Dad. He is also very obedient and sweet with other grown ups when no other boys are around. I get complimented on how well brought up he is... but only so if bother boys are around.

Should I be worried or is this normal for a boy his age? He is my oldest and I have the feeling lots of people dealing with him think he is a complicated child.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Are you in the UK? Since leaving England for Australia, I've realised that in the UK we expect a LOT from small children.

Here in Australia, they don't attend formal school till around 6 ...and when they attend kindergarten, they're not expected to be as well-behaved as they are in England.

Not all kids suit formal education when they're small. Some slot right in but others are just more....challenging and in a way, there's nothing wrong with that.

I would just reinforce that your DS must be polite...and perhaps boost his confidence a little if you can; trying to impress the other boys points to a little insecurity perhaps.

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

Not all kids suit formal education when they're small.

This one was rude to his nanny and called her names at the playground, and he hasn't started school yet. The OP said he is "due to start" this year.

In answer to the question, no, my kids didn't ever talk back to adults. There was one occasion where ds was offhand to his grandmother and I made jolly sure he apologised straightaway. Can't abide rudeness in children.

[Flyingfish2019]

No, I am not in the UK. They typically start formal school at six/seven where we live. Our boy will turn seven soon after starting school.

However in kindergarten they already learn a bit reading and writing and the numbers but they mostly play.
I am a bit worried what it will be like when he starts formal school.

[HerRoyalNotness]

One of mine does. He has some additional needs and he sees black and white, can’t understand the grey. For instance if you explain the rules of a game and some kids don’t play exactly right he will start shouting at the adult supervisor. I’ve explained again and again it’s not on and he apologises for it, but I’m not sure it’s sinking in.

[Excited101]

I would be keeping a close eye, it is VERY unusual for young children to behave better with their parents than with other adults, and to notice a ‘dirty’ sponge and make the link between the fruit then being put on the table is also very unusual. Are there any problems you do have when he’s with you?

[HerRoyalNotness]

I should say he is 8 and has done if for a few years now

[Flyingfish2019]

Of course I talked with him about calling her names and he wanted to apologize then... but my question is: I know that it is not good but is this just how some children are?

[MerryMarigold]

I work in a nursery and you can tell the ones who are well brought up. There are some kids who say 'no' to me, but most wouldn't. Many of then are better behaved at nursery than at home. You can see how they treat their parents! I never blame the children, but parents should bout tolerates a 2yo screaming 'no' in their face.

[HerRoyalNotness]

The dirty sponge thing reminds me of my son. He wouldn’t join in at sports as there were mushrooms on the field, he worries they were poisonous and the ball sould
Touch them, then the ball would touch his hands, then make him sick

[HerRoyalNotness]

... and had a screaming fit about it with both me and the coach in front of the whole team

[LovingLola]

It’s hard to figure out his age? Is he 3 or 6?

[Flyingfish2019]

@Herroyalhighness Mine does not have special needs. We had him tested for ADD, he does not have ADD. It also turned out he has above average IQ.

@Exited101 No. I do not have any problems with him when he is with me... and when people tell me how he behaved it is sometimes hard to believe for me but I guess have to believe it.

[LovingLola]

Sorry - I’ve re-read and I think he’s 6?
Yes I think playing up around other older children is normal behaviour.
That is not to say that poor behaviour should not be corrected though

[Flyingfish2019]

@LovingLola: He is six.

[Flyingfish2019]

@HerRoyalNotness You say he has special needs. What’s his diagnosis? May I ask?

[Excited101]

Are you a very easy going parent? Parents who don’t ever particularly say ‘no’ to their children may find that the children play up more with other adults because that’s their reaction to not being allowed to do stuff. Could it just be you take a very laid back approach with him?

[Flyingfish2019]

@Excited101 I am not sure but I think I would not say we are very easygoing parents. I think his Dad is quite strict. He values discipline a lot. Me? I am not so strict, but I also would not describe myself as an easygoing parent. I am somewhere in the middle.
He has chores in the household and fulfills all his duties. Actually I would describe him as quite well behaved (when he is with us) so that I see no need to discipline him but when he acts out in kindergarten of course I did (by taking privileges from him) and of course I talked to him and explained to him why this behaviour is not good.

[DelurkingAJ]

I would be surprised if DS1 (6) was rode to our CM or teacher. But he might lose the plot more generally if very tired...but he’s far more likely to be rude to us (even though that would lead to him being in trouble). I wouldn’t fuss to much but I would want to discuss the reasons with the people involved.

DS2 was in trouble with us today for telling the pre-school supervisor that she wasn’t his friend anymore (she’d told him off for something). But he’s 2 so I’m less worried about that.

[HerRoyalNotness]

@flyingfish2019. He has epilepsy and a partially fused frontal lobe. They can’t tell us how that effects him. The school has recently tested for dyslexia and adhd, which they’ve said he doesn’t meet the criteria for those. He has lack of focus and inability to concentrate on tasks, he’s in a little dream world. He has anxiety over health issues and illness. School assessed him as highly anxious and have given him support in class to manage his work, particularly tests, to see if that helps his behaviour. He is above average in intellect based on the testing they did but his school grades don’t reflect that in general.

[HomeMadeMadness]

There are a million different reasons kids do this. Sometimes it's because their parents model poor manners, sometimes it's just immaturity, sometimes it's personality - some kids, like adults are more stubborn than others.

Sounds like your son was playing up to impress his friends - totally normal. It's something you can chat to him about - You can empathise that it's normal to want to impress other kids, but make it clear that this behaviour isn't acceptable - talk about how he can do things differently and make sure there are consequences for bad behaviour. (Should be related to the behaviour and fairly soon after it).

It's not unusual for kids to play up more in nursery because it's a louder environment. They get over stimulated and more hyped and anxious around other kids. There are more kids competing for resources and attention, there are anxieties that wouldn't be around at home.

By all means speak to the staff about your concerns but nothing you've said sounds overly concerning.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Alpha male behaviour?

[Flyingfish2019]

@HerRoyalNotness Thanks for sharing
@HomemadeMadness Thanks for your opinion. I am happy you are not concerned because I am a bit anxious what it will be like when he starts school.

[Wassock]

OP I think some posters are assuming your son is 3 (as you say he's not in school yet...and here in the U.K. children start school when they are 4).

You say he's 6...not in the U.K.

I'm a Year 1 teacher, so I teach 6 year olds. Very, very few children ever 'backchat' me...and if they ever did, it would be considered very rude behaviour in school. However, I often see a complete metamorphosis when they are with their parents, and see/hear this kind of behaviour. It's far more usual for a very young child to be rude with parents than it is with other adults, as they feel safer/more comfortable to push boundaries, so if, as you say, your son is doing the opposite, I would be very upset indeed.

Chat to his nursery teacher, get a clear and honest picture of his behaviour at nursery and ask for their advice on how to deal with it. If you don't step in now and sort this, you might find it escalates. Far better to nip it in the bud now whilst he's still young.

[QueenOfSneakyNaps]

I agree with some of the other posters here. Speak to nursery and also to your nanny. We have been in some situations with out of school activities where the adults in charge wasn’t in control. When speaking to them, they said they were worried about what the parents would say if they were strict. I ended up reading my DD the riot act, but it was unsustainable long term.

When we had a nanny (we loved her), I used to joke with her that the only thing I worried about was that the children would be rude to her (I have actually seen this quite a bit with some nannies). I said that would be a cause for dismissal. I think it gave her the confidence to be strict if they missbehaved. They loved her.

Now they are only badly behaved with me... but not always ...