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Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

(192 Posts)
Eliza9917 Wed 06-Mar-19 20:50:58

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

Nnnnnineteen Wed 06-Mar-19 20:56:50

My mum died in a hospice, but it was not a peaceful final few moments. I don't really want to get into detail, but suffice to say after having been totally not with it for days, the end was not what I imagined and was quite horrible to witness.

gobbynorthernbird Wed 06-Mar-19 20:57:30

Is it really beyond you to imagine that some people die frightened and in pain?

Eliza9917 Wed 06-Mar-19 20:58:28

I thought that people become unconscious first.

BarbedBloom Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:00

I don’t want to go into detail but my grandmother’d passing was not pleasant. Thankfully at the very end they gave her so much morphine that she wasn’t really conscious

Whatelsecouldibecalled Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:08

Some people become ‘agitated’ and very scared and extremely distressed. My mum works as a palliative care nurse (read absolute angel in my opinion) and they try their very best to help patients be as ‘peaceful’ as they can in their final moments.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:17

My mum died peacefully. She was in hospital with pneumonia and couldn’t breathe properly.

I don’t know what the staff did, but they managed her peacefully with drugs. At the end she had all her family around her and she just slipped away. It was peaceful and non stressful although absolutely heartbreaking.

When l look back l think she had a good death if there can be such a thing.

Knittinglikemad Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:24

I have unfortunately seen various passings & the ones I assume they refer to when people pass peacefully are the ones that just slowly quietly slip away, that you have to check they have gone. Unfortunately not all are like that. sad

Fairylea Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:39

Having a “death rattle” doesn’t mean a passing isn’t peaceful by the way... most nurses / people who work in a hospice will tell you it’s just the collection of fluid in a persons lungs etc and they aren’t usually bothered by it; although it does sound horrific for everyone else. I wish someone had told me this when I went through it when I nursed my Gran through terminal cancer.

53rdWay Wed 06-Mar-19 21:00:57

Not all deaths are quiet and peaceful. But some things which are distressing to those present, like the rattle you talk about, are not actually distressing to the person dying.

Isadora2007 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:01:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fiveredbricks Wed 06-Mar-19 21:02:20

@eliza9917 My Nan died at 96 kicking and screaming in agony from C-Dif in a quarantine ward... That was a very non peaceful passing.

Eliza9917 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:03:55

Ok so when people talk about this they mean the days beforehand too? That makes sense now then. I know about the repeated getting out of bed and agitation.

I always assumed it meant the actual final minutes.

Eliza9917 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:05:28

I'm sorry for everyone's losses flowers

delilabell Wed 06-Mar-19 21:05:39

My dhs grandad died gasping for breath. We arrived minutes too late. Seeing his face will forever be etched in my memory.
My grandad died alone. That also haunts me that he had nobody with him to calm him if it wasn't peaceful.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 06-Mar-19 21:08:18

It’s not a bad question
We all see and experience death and it’s not unreasonable to ask - and I am sure OP has a reason for asking

My dad dies peacefully and thanks to be the Macmillan nurses came and dosed him up . But before he passed I read up the death and it said it was generally a gentle one flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 06-Mar-19 21:10:47

This topic agitated me as really we have the means that every cab die peacefully . Morphine costs very little as do some
Other drugs

I get very upset about this topic as the fucking dogs and cats have a better ending than us die to fucked up morality and shit medical staff

BuildingBackUp Wed 06-Mar-19 21:11:13

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post.

Banjax Wed 06-Mar-19 21:14:40

OP you lack compassion sensitivity and imagination.

WHY are you even asking this?

Cranky17 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:16:33

Hi are you the poster who posted about a relative who had a developed a death rattle?

If so I’m sorry for your loss, the passing of your relative sounded very distressing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean his passing wasn’t peaceful.

Canshopwillshop Wed 06-Mar-19 21:18:10

YANBU to ask OP. I’ve lost my mum, dad and sister and all 3 died peacefully in hospital. The days leading up to their deaths however were varied. My sister was agitated and frightened until the night before she died when the hospital staff began giving her more and more sedation, my mum had advanced dementia had been sedated for days before she died, my Dad was on a ventilator for 48 hours before he passed so again, heavily sedated.

Cranky17 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:18:25

*OP you lack compassion sensitivity and imagination.

WHY are you even asking this?*

There was a poster on here recently who was experiencing the death of a loved one and they were very distressed by the sounds of their breathing.

I think the op is trying to reassure themselves that their passing was still peaceful.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 06-Mar-19 21:18:45

I think she is asking for a reason

And no one has the monopoly and on grief and death . It’s pretty fucking universal !!

TheoriginalLEM Wed 06-Mar-19 21:19:03

Maybe the OP has a loved one close to death so those accusing a lack of compasdion should maybe look to themselves? The thread title is clear enough

cheaperthebetter Wed 06-Mar-19 21:19:27

My mum didn't pass peacefully 😔She was young too 42 and was unexpected , she was in hospital but her face is forever etched in my mind, As for my gran it was peaceful(er) than my mums, she went into a hospice as she knew she was going to die😔 I always remember the guilty sorry look she gave me as I said goodbye, see you in few hours to then get a phone call 10 mins after leaving her to come back.
When I arrived my uncle was there and aunt , I spoke to my gran who was conscious but eyes closed, it was then she jumped up and started shouting 'I don't want to die, I'm scared' and the nurses sedated her with morphine and she held on for 6 more hours before taking her last breathe, Sorry for to much detail 😕 sometimes it helps you feel a little better to talk about it at times 😔

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